Stop Telling Me Happiness Is My Choice
A close friend and I have been talking lately about falling into bad mental health days, weeks, or sometimes months. We were talking about what scared us the most about it and it's the constant fear of becoming someone you aren't, that doppelganger version of yourself that looks like you but is completely foreign.
I'm beginning to fall into something again. I can just see a difference in my attitude with going out with people and getting out of bed. And once I hit this moment of feeling like something is on its way, it's constant fear of not wanting it to come. The hard part is that we can't trust our emotions when we are dealing with inner stuff. I find it hard to know what is legit on how I'm feeling or what are feelings being caused by my mental state.
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, Im not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times youve felt that way. But sometimes thats not enough. What I wouldn't do to have a clear head and happy thoughts.
I recently read this quote that stuck with me,
"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want."
I just feel like at the center of myself is tainted misery, filled with great sorrow and distress and I am running around trying to find a way to distract myself from it all.
I am a living, breathing mess winging it.
Stop telling me happiness is a choice because that is all I aiming for in life.
@Rebekahzombie
I honestly hate when people say happiness is a choice as well, because even if there is at least some truth to it, depression limits your perception so that it may not seem like a choice. It makes it seem like these terrible behaviors are all that you can do. It is not how your mind thinks when it's clear but it can be hard to understand that if they haven't experienced it first hand.
I'm in the same boat. It's easy for me to agree that all these problems seem out of our control. I've been depressed for over half my life, and it has prevented me from experiecing valuable years of my life. It's difficult to forgive myself; I'm still trying to do that. I've met a lot of wonderful people here. I just wish it wasn't so hard to meet people in real life, as opposed to online. I feel alone and empty, but when I'm online, I feel like I can go somewhere to feel like I belong. However, nothing would make me happier than to have a best friend.
@Rebekahzombie
Hey Rebekah, I am sorry to hear you are feeling like you are going into a bad mental state. I know that line can be very hurtful and upsetting even when people mean well. I hope this doesn't last any longer than it has to for you. I am sending positive vibes out for you, be safe <3
@Rebekahzombie You're absolutely right, Rebekah. Happiness isn't always a choice. I'm so glad that you've come here and sought to find that. Always remember that you have tons of people here that you can count on to support you through this difficult journey in the pursuit of happiness. 
@Rebekahzombie Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through all these right now. And yes, I totally agree, wanting to be truly happy isn't as easy as just choosing to be happy. I'm still struggling with it too. And one other line that kinda annoys me is "people have it worse". I know there are people going through a lot worse than I, but like you said, I didn't choose to be sad. As much as I want to appreciate everything I've got and just stay happy, everything else can just overwhelm you.
I'm not sure if what I did to get my head quiet would work the same as you, but what I did was to keep it busy. Like just piling myself with things to do. Watching shows, reading books. Personally, music didn't really help, but you could see if it works for you. I wish you all the best, and I hope you'll find happiness and stay happy because no one deserves to feel this way 💗