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Lavendaire
9,871 M Pacing Forward 2
PathStep 204 Compassion hearts690 Forum posts64 Forum upvotes93 Current upvotes93 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceJuly 25, 2017
Bio
☆ Indie ☆
☆ They/Them ☆
☆ I'm asexual, nonbinary, and bi ☆
☆ I struggle with bipolar and ocd ☆
Recent forum posts
Draining friendship
Relationship Stress / by Lavendaire
Last post
 June 14th, 2020
...See more I've had this one friend who I've known for most of my life and I can't imagine living without him but I've had an issue with him more and more lately. He has mental breakdowns on the daily and I've tried to support him and help in whatever way I can but it's never enough. It never helps and at this point he's very resistant to my (and our entire friend group's) efforts to help. It gets to a point where everyday we have to go through some many hoops just to find out what's wrong today. I know it sounds like I'm being incredibly harsh but I'm dealing with so many issues in my own life too and I can't keep doing this everyday. It's draining so much from me and at some point I'm gonna have nothing else to give. If I don't respond to his vaguely suicidal tweets within minutes I suddenly "have never cared about him". I can't even leave this friendship either (and I don't want to) because he's made it very clear he'll kill himself if I ever do. it's been cutting into my other relationships too. The other day I had to cancel plans with my partner to watch a show together online to comfort my friend. If this happened once or a few times I wouldn't care but it's daily and I just can't handle it anymore. I don't know what to do. Any advice or input at all would be very helpful. Thank you if you've read through all of this.
forever changed
Trauma Support / by Lavendaire
Last post
 October 28th, 2019
...See more it's hard to believe that something that happened so long ago still affects me. maybe by caring so much i'm only giving him what he wanted. i'll never understand why he did what he did. i trusted him and i was only a child. now i say i'm asexual because saying i'm asexual is easier than saying "i have a fractured relationship with sex because of deep-seated trauma stemming from sexual abuse". i say i'm nonbinary because that's easier to say than "i feel disconnected with my gender because of how my body was used and abused". am i only making things worse for myself by labeling myself so? am i just reveling in my own trauma? am i making things worse for myself by clinging onto these labels instead of moving on? i don't know and i don't think i ever will
And If I am to move on
Relationship Stress / by Lavendaire
Last post
 April 7th, 2019
...See more A letter I will never send I: You made me feel like I needed you and now I do. You made it so it was like I wasn't even myself without you. You made me believe you were my other half. Once you had me hooked and relying on you, you left to test my loyalty. Your conditioning stood true II: I was devastated when you left. You shattered me like glass and left me to pick up the broken pieces of myself all alone. Every time I thought just maybe I was over you, you decided to string me along with false hope of seeing you again. III: You told me to wait for you, to never forget about you, to never move on without you because you needed me. I believed you and followed suit, playing into your hands like a marionette. I was so happy someone needed me when it was I who needed you. You wanted complete control over me and you had it. IV: I was over the moon with joy when you came back. I was ready to give up and you must have known your control over me was waning in your absence. Coming back was just another way for you to show control. My life, my happiness, my entire being rested in your hands. V: You never talk to me in front of other people. Do you think they'd notice all your mind games if you did? VI: I'm slowly but surely breaking free of your choke-hold of my life. I want to block you out so badly, to do to you what you did to me but I can't bring myself to do it. In the end, I'm still weaker than you and you'll always prey upon that but I'm learning how to. One day I'll be free of your grasp for good and I can finally spread my wings that you had clipped for so long. One day, I'll learn to be happy without you.
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