Seeking Freedom from Depression. I need help though...
I have had depression for the last year and a half, but has always felt a sense of misery in my life since I can remember. I'm currently 25 and feel like crud most the time cause my down spirits make it hard to enjoy anything I do. There must be a way to stop being depressed, and I need help finding a way out of it.
here's what I've had to go and deal with throughout my life. Threwmiddle school and up, I was constantly bullied, as picking on me was some sort of graduation requirement. Id be tortured mentally and physically by my harrassers, whether it were being shot at by rubber band darts, having hard covered books throw at me, to straight up having my stuff stolen from me in front of teachers only for the teachers to side with the bullies. heck I was beaten in a bathroom stall at one point, But things got better for me in high school at least. I thought they did, but I feel perhaps I'm still clinging onto some of that fearful state I had back in middle school.
fast forward through a few good years as things were looking up, I went into college and was doing my best to keep my grades up. It wasn't too difficult, but the only problem I had with my college was they didn't really care about my programs. some of the course heads of the school even went so far to tell her class that anyone studying visual communications and game design in our school were going to be a dead end field. Not to feel disheartened by those words, I pressed forward doubling my efforts to do my best.
I was able to graduate with honors, but by the time I got out of school I felt like despite all my hard work, my school just pushed me out the door in order to abolish my old program as soon as I left. Their equipment was subpar for our work, as most game engines wouldn't even run on the systems. My coding class literally didn't have the programs installed til 6 weeks into the course, yet for some god reason, they gave us a b+...how in the heck can I get a B+ when I couldn't even program a button despite studying my ass off.
it didn't make things easier as midway into my schooling I lost my grandmother, leaving my grandfather alone two doors down from where we live. I would type out it all, but I will just forward a link of what I've already typed. (http://www.7cups.com/forum/GriefLossCommunity_61/LossDeath_50/Feelinghollowandemptybutisstilltryingabitlongbutitsalotoffeels_20601/ )
So now I'm here, after all of these bad moments, and yet I feel so wrong. I don't know what I have to do to regain my joy for life again. Everyday I seem to find myself wishing for death, but isn't suicidal so I don't do anything. I don't want to hurt the ones I love cause I'm not strong enough.