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Hydrangea03
1 14,538 M Progress Road
PathStep 173 Compassion hearts286 Forum posts640 Forum upvotes900 Current upvotes900 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceApril 4, 2015
Bio

Hi, I’m Hydrangea. My pronouns are they/them.


Recent forum posts
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treatment-resistant depression
Depression Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 August 25th, 2023
...See more My doctor suspected I have treatment-resistant depression. And I guess everything makes so much sense now. I've been trying and changing so many medications for over a decade but nothing seemed to ever work, or I feel better for a while before the medicine ceases to work out. In my 10+ years of finding help, I think this is the first psychiatrist who genuinely believed me when I said the pain is constant and never stops. The rest seemed to have given up on me or I gave up on them, both for the same reason: because I never got better. But I do wonder if there's a way out of TRD. Does anyone else have the same experience? Long time ago, when my depression started getting pretty hideous, kind people would tell me that 'it gets better'. It didn't, never did, not even 10 years later. 10-ish years ago I hadn't even graduated primary school yet. I'm a univerity student now, but I still feel like that little kid from a decade ago, intensely sad and empty and often for no reason.
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Can’t take it anymore
Depression Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 February 6th, 2022
...See more With each passing moment, the only thought I have is that I can’t possibly stand this anymore. I don’t know how to cope. Really, what should I do when I’ve come to the point when I feel like I’m so overwhelmed I can’t take it anymore?
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(TW) overdosing as a method of selfharm
Self-Harm Recovery / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 July 20th, 2021
...See more TW: deliberate overdose of medication ​​​​​​— — Might be an ‘uncommon’ method of self-harm but this is what I do. I won’t go into great details but I often impulsively take an amount of medicine of different kinds - the dose is more than what is recommended for each medicine, but not lethal enough to be immediately dangerous. After that, most of the time I won’t physically feel anything other than perhaps a little sick, dizzy and nauseous. But it’s the awareness that I have ‘punished’ my body that I can’t drop self-harming. I know in the long-term it’s going to be a health hazard for my liver, but that’s my aim because I feel like I don’t have a future anyway. But, just in case I change my mind someday, I’d love tips on how to overcome this method of self-harm. (By the way, I can’t afford therapy + I have trauma related to therapy/counseling so that’s out of the picture. I don’t have anyone in my life that can help me and I 100% mean it, trust me, I’ve been trying for nearly a decade. At this point external help is impossible, so I’d only like to know how *I* can help *myself*)
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Depression made me bitter
Depression Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 March 25th, 2021
...See more It’s been so long since I last experienced genuine happiness...the best I can feel is numbness. I feel like my life is falling apart, I have multitudes of worries every day, and I can’t even remember when the last time something good happened to me was. And I’ve begun to realize that this has made me a bitter, jealous person. I really can no longer stand seeing other people’s happiness...it hurts because I want to be like them, but I can’t and have never been so in seven years. I’m seeing the people I know hanging out and having fun, winning competitions, getting into their dream universities, while I’m crumbling and getting more emotionally wrecked with each passing day. I’m aware that everyone has their share of struggles and I feel terrible for being irrationally upset at other people’s joys. Although I’ve never and would never vent my anger to anyone about this, I still feel it’s so unfair. I’m unattractive, a poor student, unsociable, helpless and hopeless and top of all extremely depressed...it feels so unfair that I suffer so much. It’s not like I wish others would suffer like me, instead I wish *I could not suffer so much like them.* One example of this is when I see someone is happily in therapy and medication. This is a wonderful thing but as much as I try to be happy for them, I only end up get sad for myself, because I’m unable to get my mental illnesses treated and medicated due to various reasons. You can think of me as a terrible person for this or tell me that I’m one and I won’t be angry because you’re right. But I really want to be able to get over this bitterness too. Does anyone know how? It feels impossible to have a positive outlook in a life like this anymore, but I want to know if there’s a way to stop being so bitter, even if for just a little bit.
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trauma is related to therapy
Trauma Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 March 12th, 2021
...See more I just want to vent a litle bit about how my life is like a vicious cycle...my trauma is deep-rooted in several bad therapy experiences in the past; they're not in any way traumatizing to me but they were, simply put, unhelpful enough to tire me from actively seeking help. But the peak event that shaped my trauma into a 'final, whole form' was what happened with a school counselor two years ago...at that time I was having one of my most terrible breakdowns and instead of getting comforted, I was insulted, scoled at and was belittled for an hour. Up until that time I still had a bit of hope in myself that I can get the help I need, and I will try to seek for that help no matter how hard. And it was indeed hard; I had to hold in the embarrassment of crying in the hallway as I walked to and knocked on the counselor room's door. I didn't expect to be treated that way and honestly that was my absolute last straw, the event that destroyed all of my trust for mental health professionals once for all. I know that not all professionals are like that. I know I just came across the bad apple. But while fully aware of this, I'm also so afraid of getting therapy. I can't financially afford it at the moment but even if time comes when I can, I'm not sure if I can handle it. I still get terrifying flashbacks from that day and every time someone talks about therapy I get triggered. Am I a bad person that when I hear someone's healing experience with therapy/counselling, I instantly get reminded of that day, and feel very hateful and jealous? The issue is that I know I probably need some professional help to overcome my trauma, but as I've mentioned, my trauma is related to that so...yeah. I can't seem to escape it. I just can't trust them, in fact I hesitate in asking for emotional help in general these days in fear I will be belittled again. I want to heal from my trauma, but I'm traumatized of seeking healing.
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What kind of symptom is this?
Anxiety Support / by Hydrangea03
Last post
 December 26th, 2020
...See more Sometimes, if not most of the time I get really (and I mean really, REALLY, super) interested in something - for example a TV show, I would get so obsessed with it that it becomes too much to even think of, sometimes to the point of thinking about it makes me nervous. And even something as mundane as writing/typing/saying the title of the show feels...I don’t know how to describe it - just, too much. Too much as in I feel restless, nervous, too excited. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve felt this way for so long. Could it be a symptom of an underlying mental condition?
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