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AwildBidoof
36,283 M Determined Treads 8
PathStep 461 Compassion hearts1,513 Forum posts77 Forum upvotes58 Current upvotes58 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 9, 2015
Recent forum posts
Just trying to get unstuck
Anxiety Support / by AwildBidoof
Last post
 August 30th, 2016
...See more Im feeling like I need some help, as all these good things that are happening to me as of late is stressing me out some. When it comes to work, I am estatic about getting the job, but it's finally setting in that I have it. it's leading me to doubt myself asI don't think they made a good choice in picking me. then the fear of messing up comes into mind, making me feel super nervous When it comes to relationships, I am feeling more and more like i don't want to be in one out of fear of hurting my friendship with my buddy-gal if things go wrong. Doesn't help her father keeps saying things like (congrats you got a job, but it's kinda dead end, you should get a job more tailored to my field.) and her agreeing with her father on some of these points to better take care of myself. this is the first job I've gotten since 2013, mostly cause I kept trying for my field. it just...wasn;t ...working... After calming down some, I talked with my lady friend about the comments herr dad said and cleared the air I had about that. she wasn't trying to discourage me, but my own self doubt kinda blew the situation up 10X. so now is mostly just stressed out about not failing come monday and the orientation
How do I get back my drive for life?
General Support / by AwildBidoof
Last post
 February 10th, 2016
...See more Hi there, been on this site for a year now, using it to help me cope with the loss of my late grandfather as of last January. I've tried a lot of things since then, and I'm not sure if I'm still grieving the loss or just tired from being turned away from my attempts to get into the world and get a job, but I just feel like I've lost that spark for life yah know? Let me be clear though that I'm NOT suicidal, but I just feel like I have stuff I wanna do, but I can't will myself to do them. No matter how much I wanted to before, or dreamed of doing prior to all these hardships I've endured It makes it tough to really wanna give my all when everything seems pointless. Does anyone have any advice to get out of this rut that I'm in? I just really need help cause I can't seem to save myself despite wanting to. Some of my examples of hardships for reference Job hunting: https://www.7cups.com/forum/CLASSIFIEDS_94/MembersClassifieds_360/Ineedhelpfindingworkbeenoutofajobfortwoyears_26286/ Depression & loss: https://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupportCommunity_52/Depression_30/SeekingFreedomfromDepressionIneedhelpthough_22377/
I need help finding work, been out of a job for two years.
General Support / by AwildBidoof
Last post
 October 6th, 2015
...See more Hi all, I'm trying to find a job and a lot of my woes in life currently are from simply not having one. Please listen to my story and see how I have gotten to this point. I graduated college with my bachelors in computer science in 2012, and I was afraid to get into the world, as alot of the things around me were not looking positive. At the time, I was a caretaker for my grandfather, as since 2010 when my grandmother passed I dedicated myself to his aid to make sure he wouldn't be alone. The fear of losing him was feeling more real by 2012 as his body and activeness began to slow to a snail pace, But I kept pushing forward trying to better his life and my own while I searched for a job. It wasn't until 2013 when I finally got a hit, it was contract work and the pay was good. I really enjoyed organizing the company’s data sheets and editing them into a more professional appearance. As the contract ended a month later they had me make templates of my work so one of their current workers could do my job and we parted ways. I was feeling that empty sinking feeling once more while I hunted for another job, which I got in October of 2013, but...complications arose. The job in question was a web manager position, where the company put me in charge of their three websites they owned and expected miracles of me in short timeframes. I had explained to the boss that I wasn't super proficient in word press, but I could figure it out if given enough time. He agreed to hire me for $10 an hour, as I got to work. I actually felt my education mattered for the first time at this job as I put all my training to the test. After two weeks of daily progress reports, I finally began making improvements in the major areas that the owner wanted me to make, then it happened.  A few days before Black Friday, a person higher up than me, but not the boss asked me to make a printable coupon sheet for the event. It didn't take me long to make the first variant and submit it back, but when they said they wished for images to be on the coupons from the inventory they had online, it took me a bit longer to finish, but I completed the task. it only took three hours, but I went back to work on the site for the rest of the 6 hour work day and submitted my daily reports. 5 minutes passed and the boss called me, saying "what the hell do you think you're doing?!" I was confused as the email I received said the boss wanted this done, but the man decided to tear me a new one, yelling at me on how I'm not getting paid for those three hours and if not for that email I would have been fired. The boss wouldn’t even listen to my reasons for doing the job I thought he wanted done at first, completely ignoring any sort of decency I was trying with him, even my apologies for the mistake wouldn’t even be accepted as he threw them back into my face. I was at the mercy of this man so much as I felt expendable that I had to resign my position. I felt utterly abused verbally, and then the man takes it a step further and decides to call me a Pre-Madonna and began to question my own self worth. Saying things like “do you think you even deserve to be paid the full pay rate of $20 as someone in your field.” That felt like a red herring argument at the time as I felt this boss wouldn’t listen to reason, nor care about his employees, so after the discussion I felt worthless and back looking for a job. In 2014, I fell into depression as my sense of self worth felt less than zero. My grandfather’s health conditions were becoming more severe and I was faced with an impossible choice. I could have gone for a job, and left my grandfather to his own devices, or dedicate myself wholly to him, forgoing work for the whole year. I felt in my heart that finding a job was the most important thing for long term, but I just couldn’t leave my grandfather alone. I spent the entirety of 2014 as his caretaker, falling deeper into depression as I feared his passing was coming and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. By the end of 2014, I felt worn out, mentally and physically as it took all I had to keep it together as my grandfather was homebound, unable to simply walk down the hallway by him being able to handle anything he used to be able to do on his own. Eventually my spirit broke and my mother and I couldn’t keep up with his needs any longer as we had to hospitalize him the day after Christmas. He spent the last month of his life in there until January 2015 when he passed on. So here I am now in 2015, no job, no grandfather, still battling with depression, Still on occasion questioning my own self worth, but still able to be proud in all I did to keep that man alive as long as I did. I loved my grandfather, and vise versa. I’m sorry for the long read, but my tale spanned across 6 years of my life as nowadays I’m dedicating all my time and energy to try to get back out into the world and get out of this depression. I would honestly love any help I could get when it comes to finding a job, as at the end of the month I run out of insurance. I live in Alexandria, Virginia so if you know of any place where I could handle a simple desk job as my physical health makes it difficult to stand on my feet for long hours. I would be more than happy to give it my all for that job. Thank you all for reading my tale, and I hope you all have a nice day.
Seeking Freedom from Depression. I need help though...
Depression Support / by AwildBidoof
Last post
 May 19th, 2015
...See more I have had depression for the last year and a half, but has always felt a sense of misery in my life since I can remember. I'm currently 25 and feel like crud most the time cause my down spirits make it hard to enjoy anything I do. There must be a way to stop being depressed, and I need help finding a way out of it. here's what I've had to go and deal with throughout my life. Threw middle school and up, I was constantly bullied, as picking on me was some sort of graduation requirement. Id be tortured mentally and physically by my harrassers, whether it were being shot at by rubber band darts, having hard covered books throw at me, to straight up having my stuff stolen from me in front of teachers only for the teachers to side with the bullies. heck I was beaten in a bathroom stall at one point, But things got better for me in high school at least. I thought they did, but I feel perhaps I'm still clinging onto some of that fearful state I had back in middle school. fast forward through a few good years as things were looking up, I went into college and was doing my best to keep my grades up. It wasn't too difficult, but the only problem I had with my college was they didn't really care about my programs. some of the course heads of the school even went so far to tell her class that anyone studying visual communications and game design in our school were going to be a dead end field. Not to feel disheartened by those words, I pressed forward doubling my efforts to do my best. I was able to graduate with honors, but by the time I got out of school I felt like despite all my hard work, my school just pushed me out the door in order to abolish my old program as soon as I left. Their equipment was subpar for our work, as most game engines wouldn't even run on the systems. My coding class  literally didn't have the programs installed til 6 weeks into the course, yet for some god reason, they gave us a b+...how in the heck can I get a B+ when I couldn't even program a button despite studying my ass off. it didn't make things easier as midway into my schooling I lost my grandmother, leaving my grandfather alone two doors down from where we live. I would type out it all, but I will just forward a link of what I've already typed. (http://www.7cups.com/forum/GriefLossCommunity_61/LossDeath_50/Feelinghollowandemptybutisstilltryingabitlongbutitsalotoffeels_20601/ )  So now I'm here, after all of these bad moments, and yet I feel so wrong. I don't know what I have to do to regain my joy for life again. Everyday I seem to find myself wishing for death, but isn't suicidal so I don't do anything. I don't want to hurt the ones I love cause I'm not strong enough.
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