Poem about depression
Depression is like water.
Hollowing out the stone,
drop by drop.
Quietly.
Slowly.
By the time you realize something’s wrong,
you're neck-deep.
Soon, you become so used to it,
you can’t even tell when it started.
Its presence…lingering.
Every day of every week of every year.
And all this time,
you try to stay afloat.
Just like a swan-graceful,smooth sailing above
yet beneath the surface…
you’re desperately treading water.
But it must forever remain a secret.
So even when the pain is unbearable,
you still get up every day.
Put on perfectly ironed clothes.
Put on your shoes.
Put on that fake smile you’ve been practicing for ages.
And once you’re ready,
You walk out the door to put on your best performance
In the most bewildering of plays that is your life.
It unfolds right in front of you,
yet feels so distant at the same time.
But sometimes, you forget your lines
and the pain trickles through the cracks.
Even strangers in the street know how bad you’re hurting,
just from the look on your face.
They ask whether you’re okay,
but talking to people reminds you of how lonely you are.
So you smile and nod,
while on the inside- you’re screaming.
Life becomes high maintenance,
but you don't want to be
any more burdensome.
Because you already feel
like a waste of space.
Like people can barely tolerate
the fact that you’re using up oxygen.
So you try to prove your worth
by being the best.
Keep everyone happy.
Everyone, but you.
You can have good days, though.
Tiny sparks of light and joy.
Those glorious mornings when brushing your
hair doesn't feel like an insurmountable task.
But depression never really leaves you.
You're forever regretful of the past
and always anxious about the future.
You can't truly enjoy the good days
because you know that soon-
everything will turn black.
You still remember how
beautiful life is but every time depression hits,
It erases pleasant memories, bit by bit.
Scared of losing it all,
you finally summoned the courage to say
“You know what? No. I'm not okay.”
But people just blankly stare through you.
After all, your life has not completely fallen apart yet,
So why would anyone believe you're struggling?
And so … you
just continue your solitary journey down
a long pitch-black tunnel not knowing
whether you'll ever
see the light again.
You will find that light again. You write beautifully. Sending you peace today. @vera08
Thank you for your kind words 🙏.
How are you feeling tonight? @vera08
Thanks for asking, you're literally the only person who's asked that and you don't even know me. I've given so many signs, I have been in one of the worst mental conditions these past weeks, I've been self isolating and now that I've gathered the courage to finally show up no one even asked if I was ok. They're supposed to be my friends, my family it just confirms my belief that everyone hates me. It's not their fault but I've found that none of my friends would call me. I just wished they cared a little more, ya know? See through my lies and see through me. That I'm not okay and I need help. I've reached out once, but never again. They all say that I'm too young, that it's a phase or that it doesn't look like it or others have it worse and honestly at this point sick isn't sick enough apparently. I don't know, I'm just exhausted at this point, everyone has problems I know and I feel like such a burden when I ask for help. It feels impossible to do. Thank you for listening and asking that. It made me feel a bit better, thanks.
First of all, I will ask every day how you are doing if that helps. It doesn't make a difference if we know each other or not. I know that feeling of not wanting to reach out and sometimes once you get started here, the other stuff starts to feel more manageable at least.
So as long as you write something to me, I will be able to find your message and write something to you. I do it once per day.
Second, it might be easiest to think about how you can help yourself at the moment if the people around you feel less than helpful. What kinds of things do you do to care for yourself?@vera08
It's okay you don't have to ask everyday, every once in a while would be nice though. Honestly I think I might have Quiet BPD(Borderline). I've spent the last 16 months trying to figure out what was so wrong with me. I wanted to know because I wanted to fix it. I have almost all the symptoms and I can feel everything very intensely. I can go from feeling like I want to crawl in a hole and die to hours or minutes later feeling like I'm on top of the world and finally feeling like I'm getting better. It's only at that moment when I'm at war with myself. Part of me wants to get worse. So much worse because I loathe myself so deeply, because I'm never ever going to be sick enough. Because maybe then it'll be good damage, maybe then people would take me seriously. And the other part of me wants to get better. The other part of me knows that it's just my mind and it's okay, it doesn't mean I'm weak. That other people have been in the same boat and are doing better so why can't I. I hate how everybody just expects me to bounce back, just like that. But in reality it's hard. I get so mad that they can't see that. I try so hard and i know it's not their fault and I hope they never understand the feeling but it feels really isolating when you look normal but if your pain isn't physical it's not valid. I'm trying to heal and right now I want to get better but I don't know how. Somethings that I do to take care of myself, I guess coming on here to figure out how to get better and letting myself feel my emotions without judgement of thinking that I'm being dramatic and just validating my own feelings I guess. I don't starve myself anymore even when I'm feeling down. And I try not to sh especially when I'm angry, and that alone has been one of the most difficult things to do since I had become so addicted to it. It doesn't look like it but I'm trying.
Of course it looks like your trying. Just because you don't see results doesn't mean that you aren't putting in the effort. Keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best that you can.
I know that it feels now like it isn't ever going to end. But it can and will. Part of it (and this is the ridiculously hard part) is being patient and waiting. You feel like you are being patient for something that you can't see happening, but it is.
Each day you are figuring out how to process things just a little better. You are figuring out your emotions.
But the biggest key is rest. That is what eventually made me start to heal. Rest is actually a very physical action thing rather than a "sorting through your emotions" one. The sorting through stuff drains you to the core.
This is why I asked about how you care for yourself. Rather than staying in the emotional loop, what physical things do you do to distract yourself? Are you eating and drinking water okay? Those are basic starting blocks.@vera08
So for now focus on that eating, drinking water and rest. Every time your mind wants to send you into that loop, ask yourself if you are doing okay in the food and water department. It really does help.
You can do this. I am here to cheer you on.@vera08Helping others helps me to stay in a good spot. Caring for each other is a giant circle. Sometimes we give support and sometimes we need it. Both are equally valid positions to be in. @vera08
How have the last few days been? I have been thinking about you. @vera08
I really love your honesty there. You are allowed not to know and be nervous about how things may go. You are allowed to be utterly exhausted as the emotional waves subside somewhat.
People aren't going to be looking at your arms unless you call attention to them. I have had them too and no one ever mentioned it.
You can do this and survive the summer. Take it all a day at a time.@vera08
How have things been lately? I have been thinking about you. @vera08
I have been in that weird space where emotions feel somewhat dead. It isn't a comfortable place to be because they are all dead, not just the bad ones. I have also self-harmed in such circumstances.
But I very slowly but surely began to heal during that time. Part of it was acceptance of where I was at. Then it was looking around me for little moments where I was using my senses in a positive way by looking at a bird or eating a cookie. I tried to really actively find such moments and then my emotions began to return in a more positive way.@vera08
