No Hope, No Life
I'm 25 and I have no friends. I have had depression and anxiety for 15 years (just celebrated my anniversary) I have a therapist, but that's the only support I have.
Friends are like fish, except I have to look good while fishing and like a fisherman, no fish wants me around. Thats usual for me. I keep friends for a little while, then I get comfortable with them and show what I'm really like and how I feel, and then my 'friends' disappear because I'm too depressed/a downer/uncool/etc...
I only live for my cats right now. And the only way I can cope is by smoking weed and drinking to make my brain stop thinking/ruminating on bad things all the time. Its not like I have anyone to talk to the other hours of the day im not at therapy.
I work freelance, it's stable for me because I work hard and I only have work in my life, but I often don't get along with my coworkers because I'm usually one of the youngest in the office. That is changing very fast and makes me feel worse - soon i'll be older and I still wont fit in. Im very socially anxious, so I'm scared to go out of my apartment and have people see me. I don't like being stared at, it makes me really self conscious. I have no self esteem and no confidence. Going outside makes me see all the things I want and can't have - like friends and love and fun.
Talking in person is hard for me because my words get jumbled. People make me nervous. Thats why I prefer talk online or text. I can't even call a suicide hotline because talking on the phone makes me nervous.
I've stayed away from people for so long that I don't really know the norms, especially for my age group, and that makes me feel even more freakish. I don't have much experience in life and human stuff (relationships, sex, friendships, etc). And dont tell me thats normal, I cant even look at social media as all I see are people from highschool getting married, having kids, and buying houses - yet here is catplum, 25 and still single - because who wants to be around a depressed, ugly loser?
Ive tried internet friends but no one wants to talk to me and most of the time I'm so depressed that I dont have any interests. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. Ive tried a lot but nothing holds my attention for more than 15 minutes to be honest. Same with tv shows
The only people who have ever listened to me and cared about my thoughts or how I'm doing are my therapists. People I pay to care. That is very upsetting to me. I even feel pathetic writing this forum post as I know no one will read it and want to help support me. People don't comfort me anymore because I am so familiar with them letting me down and leaving me alone again. I dont think they ever have, as I suffer from RAD - reactive attachment disorder. I never learned to trust. Being ditched my friends over and over, dealing with racism, and not ever being welcomed into a group, has helped me reinforce this idea. Even here on 7cups Im told I have friends, but when the time comes to step up and comfort me or defend me, no one is around....funny isnt it?
I feel disgusting in my own body. Ive never been regarded as beautiful, so when random people on the internet tell me, I know its a lie just to make me feel better. "Everyone is beautiful" is the worst lie I've ever been told. My skin is too dark, my hair is too nappy, and I have no style or good clothes. Did I mention my hair is disgusting? I straightened it and my boss told me that with my hair done like that (the way society tells me - re:not curly) I have a chance to get married. My current option: plastic surgery to have a more caucasian looking nose, and to straighten my hair/wear straight wigs.
In short, I hate my self and have nothing to live for except useless capitalistic achievements and keeping my cats fed. Once my cats die, I wont have any left. But sure, tell me im beautiful and that my life as a rape-baby given up for adoption has worth and meaning. I'll sit here drinking and wait, and wait and wait and wait and spend all my money on therapy. And still I'll wait....just like I have for the last 15 years. Im going to wait and watch my life go by as I sit and watch everyone else my age from my window....seeing them with friends, loved ones, and people who want them around.
I will also wait for anyone to remember who I am....that is, if you havent forgotten already
(And dont refer me as suicidal, I dont pay $1000/month for therapy, and $250/session for my psychiatrist for nothing)
You are not a lone my dear Cat. I am here and no matter how depressed you feel I will do my best to support you. While I cannot be as good as a professional, I will try my best to uplift you <3
@LovingChibi
Thanks Chibi - youre the only one to have come to my aid since the horrible bacon sandwich based mod muted me
@CatPlum24
Hey :) I saw that you had some issue with a mod. There is a form listed below the chatbox under "Rules for participating". Or you can mail Laura, Heather at community@7cups.com to report this issue.
I feel sad that life no longer interests you. But I am glad that you have cats and you spend quality time taking care of them. We humans have learnt to limit humanity to human race alone. However , an essential part of being a human is that we care about each part of nature. In all honesty, I feel you are completely fine in fact doing better than most of us. Very few people are able to look beyond their needs and introduce a pet in their lives.
Your pets are lucky to have you as their master. Please do not look down upon yourself and do try to cherish everything you have built with your hard work. Having friends is good but you are not incomplete if you don't have any due to social anxiety. Most importantly you have a good heart and that is a much better quality.
I am glad that you have therapists and you are trying to resolve your issues in the right manner ie by taking the appropriate help. As a listener/user of the site and as a fellow human being I am proud of you as you have taken all right steps to look after yourself.
There is a lot more to humanity and not everything that you do should be acknowledged to make you feel worthy.
@Apple74
Thanks for the good laugh. Im still waiting for humanity to show up after all these years. Yet when most come to my door, they just spit in my face :D or invalidate me.
I try to help myself/care for myself/like my self a bit > Someone shows up spits in my face and gives me more reason to distrust humans.
Also - Im not a MASTER of my cats. We're friends. As in, mutual respect and having each others backs.
And yes I frequent the members depression room
But the people there can be so whishy washy with their support - hint hint, they dont like black people #7cupsofwhitetea
@krinkthemellowunicorn @squib @mscoxie @sadspaceman @lovingchibi etc
@CatPlum24 I'm sorry I wasn't around (I'm super busy this week, which is probably a good thing for me!). Just know that I do care and do not dismiss what you've experienced.
@CatPlum24 not sure why I am tagged but I am truly sorry to hear that you feel discriminated against in any room here. That is NOT cool at all and I hope you reported it so it can be handled appropriately. I'm here if you need me hun 
@mscoxie
You have an easy username to remember.
Have a great rest of your week <3
@CatPlum24 oh ok lol You have a great rest of the week as well :)
With that kind of money you can get insurance and it would help. But yeah I'm sorry to hear all of that. My cat is on top of my leg right now lol. I know what it's like to feel lonely. You can talk to me anytime.
@Fear333
I have insurance, but if you want a decent therapy in this town, you pay out of pocket.
My old psychiatrist may have only had a $25 copay, but he read Psychiatry for Dummies once and just liked writing on the little paper pad.
@CatPlum24 I understand. Yeah there's not very much good doctors out there.
Spent my surprise day off work alone in my apartment as if it were a weekend. Bit my nails to bloody nubs. Too embarrassed to go back to the liquor store, as I go there too often. I didnt leave my apartment at all. I should have gone to the hair salon to get my hair straightened - as today I feel very ugly with my hair in its usual bun.
I did do some thinking that lead me to think about what could be the worst thing to happen to me. Embarrassment on a large scale would be my greatest downfall. :(
I wish I could find something to dedicate my time to besides my job. Nothing new I try can hold my attention for more than a few minutes at a time. I get bored too easily.
@CatPlum24 Just for balance, I wonder what would happen if you did some thinking about the best thing that could happen to you? You are intelligent and have some talents - for instance, you posted a link to a bassoon piece and mentioned playing that in school; I've never learned an instrument at even a rudimentary level, so that's impressive to me - what would be the best thing that could happen if you cultivated your own potential?
@squib
Im not sure what the best would be - that would include thinking about:
- having energy to do anything beyond the minimum
- having an interest/hobby I can do alone
- having friends who actually like me for who I am and can deal with me when I get depressed/more depressed
- making more money
- Suddenly becoming beautiful to other people - not just the people who say that everyone is beautiful as a cop-out
These things I cant even consider. I can see the embarrassment coming from something big like this site exposing me and ridiculing me. But I cant imagine being a fully-functioning loveable person who has something and someone to live for. Harry Potter seems more realistic than my dreams at this point.
It has been too long for me to just assume that time is the answer to my difficulties. Its me. I am my problem. I am the issue. Its not my environment anymore - its me.
I am the reason I am unloveable. And until I can find a way to get the energy to become someone else and change me, I will stay alone and miserable. Unfortunately no one tells me how to do this. They say to be myself....Except (scroll back up) myself is the reason I am alone - being me = being alone, being disliked, being uncared for.
Yes, there was a time I had a brilliant fake self that could handle highschool classes, a part time job, music practice for Jazz band and Orchestra and marching band, and looking for colleges, and being a student ambassador, and a exchange student host. But I was driven by the goal of "get out of town, go to college, get far far away"
Now Im far away, by myself with nothing to look forward to except more days, more therapy, more pills, more crying, and eventually a long awaited death
@CatPlum24, don't become someone else! it doesn't work!
my wish for you is that you find the energy to work on loving yourself - i think a lot of good would follow from that
@CatPlum24 Lately I've found self-compassion a concept that helps me move away from a position of self-loathing, from which self-love seems impossible, to a middle ground. It doesn't involve denying painful horrible things and force-feeding oneself positive thoughts. And it also does not mean building your sense of worth from an unstable foundation of self-esteem that may depend on feeling special or above average in some way.
You can begin just by acknowledging the things that are genuinely hard and painful in your life, recognizing that, while each of us experiences this in different ways and to different degrees, this pain is part of the human experience we all share in, and adopting an orientation of kindness toward yourself as you struggle with these things. Be a friend to yourself.
So rather than saying you are unlovable through some fault of yours, or due to your environment, set aside questions of why for a moment. Begin by acknowledging that you feel unlovable for whatever reasons there may be (whether or not they are "your fault" or have any clear cause at all). That thought, whatever its source, has to hurt. It's awful. Anyone who feels unlovable would be in immense emotional pain. You're not some kind of uniquely bad/horrible/unworthy being, you're human, and your experience of this kind of pain is something many others share in to at least some small degree. And anyone feeling this way deserves to be treated with kindness. You deserve to treat yourself with kindness, not because you are entirely blameless in whatever circumstances are causing you pain, or because you are a magically unique, talented or otherwise special, but simply because you are a being in pain. You can ask about how you treat yourself, would a friend treating you that way be someone who is helping you be the best version of yourself possible? Would they be nurturing you, building you up, preparing you to take charge of your circumstances in a genuinely motivating way? Or do you treat yourself in ways that simply tend to tear you down further - if so, what good purpose can that serve?
So when I saw you talk about imagining the worst... imagine a musician about to take the stage before the most important show of their career. That musician certainly ought to be at least somewhat nervous, and does need to take responsibility for the performance they are about to give - there's a little "edginess" they probably ought to be feeling. But it should be energizing rather than demoralizing; their focus should be on their task. Were they to be reminded of the worst thing that could happen, and focused on that, would the likely result be their best performance? If they ruminated on all the disasters that could befall them, surely that would come at a significant cost! They don't have to tell themselves everyone will love them, or that they are super-talented, etc. - they can be realistic about their potential flaws as a performer. But they need to have a sense that they belong on that stage.
And you do belong on the stage of life. There is a middle ground between telling yourself that you do not, and brainless happy talk.
I love you PMMKPP XD
I think I am making progress. My therapist told me last night that my cat drawings were getting a lot better and that I just need to remember that Im a person like everyone else.
Today I had an unfortunately encounter with a moderator who defamed in the chatroom for what he called "hating alllll moderators' This false statement got me very upset but I was able to repeat my human mantra and stay calm. I took screen shots and made a full, respectful report about how I didnt appreciate having lies spread about me so publicly. I realized my feelings, identified them and they didnt consume me!
@Squib - the link you sent me really was helpful - thanks for being awesome.
@CatPlum24
Wow - this is so great to hear! All anyone can do is try to grow, to make progress, and it's wonderful to recognize this may be happening for you. I'm really proud of the way you handled your unpleasant encounter - you addressed it appropriately but most important of all, you held on to your best self and didn't let what some other person said send you on a downward spiral. Not everyone can do that - and this is a great step!
@CatPlum24 - that is really good to hear... almost like when you can feel a cramp or muscle spasm or flinch start to relax, even slightly, instead of just making itself tighter/
Hi Cat!
I feel the same way about a lot of things, and you really do seem like a really cool person. I'm pretty terribly awkward in real life and online, also have a fear of talking on phones, but if you ever want to chat I'd love to.
It could be about anything I don't really care, cats or rainbows or anything.
I feel kind of stupid writing this, usually I go unnoticed everywhere, but if you ever to want to talk online of course, I'm more than happy to.
Hope you're having a day.
I will be spending the holidays alone again. In my room of my tiny apartment.
My old friend from highschool got engaged. Tis the season so stay away from all social media as its the time of the year where everyone is extra happy and in love.
If I sleep thru it all - maybe it wont happen
@CatPlum24 I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and lost right now. Bear in mind that social media posts are a facade - sure, some people posting happy stuff are happy, but others are projecting an image, and only they know what they're painting in rosy terms that is in fact full of pain.
I hope you find ways to feel less alone (maybe on here?).