No Hope, No Life
I'm 25 and I have no friends. I have had depression and anxiety for 15 years (just celebrated my anniversary) I have a therapist, but that's the only support I have.
Friends are like fish, except I have to look good while fishing and like a fisherman, no fish wants me around. Thats usual for me. I keep friends for a little while, then I get comfortable with them and show what I'm really like and how I feel, and then my 'friends' disappear because I'm too depressed/a downer/uncool/etc...
I only live for my cats right now. And the only way I can cope is by smoking weed and drinking to make my brain stop thinking/ruminating on bad things all the time. Its not like I have anyone to talk to the other hours of the day im not at therapy.
I work freelance, it's stable for me because I work hard and I only have work in my life, but I often don't get along with my coworkers because I'm usually one of the youngest in the office. That is changing very fast and makes me feel worse - soon i'll be older and I still wont fit in. Im very socially anxious, so I'm scared to go out of my apartment and have people see me. I don't like being stared at, it makes me really self conscious. I have no self esteem and no confidence. Going outside makes me see all the things I want and can't have - like friends and love and fun.
Talking in person is hard for me because my words get jumbled. People make me nervous. Thats why I prefer talk online or text. I can't even call a suicide hotline because talking on the phone makes me nervous.
I've stayed away from people for so long that I don't really know the norms, especially for my age group, and that makes me feel even more freakish. I don't have much experience in life and human stuff (relationships, sex, friendships, etc). And dont tell me thats normal, I cant even look at social media as all I see are people from highschool getting married, having kids, and buying houses - yet here is catplum, 25 and still single - because who wants to be around a depressed, ugly loser?
Ive tried internet friends but no one wants to talk to me and most of the time I'm so depressed that I dont have any interests. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. Ive tried a lot but nothing holds my attention for more than 15 minutes to be honest. Same with tv shows
The only people who have ever listened to me and cared about my thoughts or how I'm doing are my therapists. People I pay to care. That is very upsetting to me. I even feel pathetic writing this forum post as I know no one will read it and want to help support me. People don't comfort me anymore because I am so familiar with them letting me down and leaving me alone again. I dont think they ever have, as I suffer from RAD - reactive attachment disorder. I never learned to trust. Being ditched my friends over and over, dealing with racism, and not ever being welcomed into a group, has helped me reinforce this idea. Even here on 7cups Im told I have friends, but when the time comes to step up and comfort me or defend me, no one is around....funny isnt it?
I feel disgusting in my own body. Ive never been regarded as beautiful, so when random people on the internet tell me, I know its a lie just to make me feel better. "Everyone is beautiful" is the worst lie I've ever been told. My skin is too dark, my hair is too nappy, and I have no style or good clothes. Did I mention my hair is disgusting? I straightened it and my boss told me that with my hair done like that (the way society tells me - re:not curly) I have a chance to get married. My current option: plastic surgery to have a more caucasian looking nose, and to straighten my hair/wear straight wigs.
In short, I hate my self and have nothing to live for except useless capitalistic achievements and keeping my cats fed. Once my cats die, I wont have any left. But sure, tell me im beautiful and that my life as a rape-baby given up for adoption has worth and meaning. I'll sit here drinking and wait, and wait and wait and wait and spend all my money on therapy. And still I'll wait....just like I have for the last 15 years. Im going to wait and watch my life go by as I sit and watch everyone else my age from my window....seeing them with friends, loved ones, and people who want them around.
I will also wait for anyone to remember who I am....that is, if you havent forgotten already
(And dont refer me as suicidal, I dont pay $1000/month for therapy, and $250/session for my psychiatrist for nothing)