My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I feel so drained. I finally got started on the staffing agency links and was only successful with one- it was a simple upload of my resume and my contact information. I spent far too much time on the second because between registering and filling out two applications I got stuck on the second application because it just wouldn’t let me go forward. The third wasn’t a good fit so I didn’t try. I’d already discovered that my fourth link went nowhere but a screen asking if I wanted to buy the domain name and I couldn’t find the original so I gave up.
I’m so frustrated
I think that it is easy to get overwhelmed by guilt in multiple circumstances. You feel guilty about your mom, not cleaning, not doing enough for the job. All of those feelings are strongly mistaken but convincing your brain is hard, especially with the tough job hunt.
That transfers over to your writing where you panic about whether you are creative enough. All of your writing ideas are going to bloom from things you have already read. That is how writing happens, But they remain your blossoms because you are reinventing them as you go. The more that you read the more ideas you are drawing on and the more creative you are yourself. Trust your writing. You are worthy enough and creative enough.
I am glad that you were able to enjoy ice cream. Today is National Ice Cream Day so we had some too, but at home. I was in a bit of a funk so I didn't taste it as completely as I should have. But I will try to do better tomorrow.
I had the worst dream ever. I mean it, it’s ugly and violent.
It began with me, for some reason, getting the license to use a gun. I guess I was becoming a detective or police officer.
I went to my college math class and took a test, then began to go home. I got in the bus with a lot of people and as we were driving we noticed a man driving erratically because he had three women that he struck with his car wedged beneath it because he’d busted the front end. We only noticed because the closest to the drivers side door was flailing her arm out from beneath to try and get other cars attention.
Then the car crashed and traffic was stopped and that man boarded our bus with a gun and began demanding that the driver get moving- the entire bus was being kidnapped and he began killing anyone who had a weapon or was going to stand against him. My gun was already hidden in my bag but I was wearing a lanyard with a bright green card that said I could shoot or was a detective or something, and the only thing I could do was take the card and wedge it in the middle of the rest of my cards that fit in what looked like my wallet hanging from the lanyard too.
People were being shot and I was very scared. The man gets off the bus briefly and the bus moves and at first we were all excited because we might be free but it wasn’t true. We were just being driven further away from where we knew our locations.
We got off the bus and thought we were safe but we weren’t because the man arrived again and began killing people or torturing people. I’d discovered one of his methods involved taking some of the women from the bus, cutting them in half at the waist so they were nothing but a limbless torso and head, letting them hang on chains against the wall as long as they were quiet. The ones who screamed or complained were killed.
More of his people came and I finally had to pull out my gun and started shooting to get out. I kept messing up because I hadn’t shot real people yet, but I managed to work my way through them and look around our new location: I was in my Mom’s neighborhood!
So I ended up getting stuck in a different house with some of the other hostages. There was a woman there who was keeping everyone inside to kill them later and had all the windows and doors zip tied so they couldn’t be opened. I grabbed the only sharp thing in the room. It was a pair of tweezer with the angled tips and after I stabbed her with them I was able to somehow use them the get out. But the door lead to open air over a lawn filled with mines!
I jumped anyway and managed to roll when landing, but then had to run and avoid gunfire and mines as I made it to the edge of the land they’d left the traps.
I ran to my mothers house begging Siri to call my mom because I only had so many hands for the gun the tweezers and the phone. Siri made the call but my mom wasn’t picking up. I made it to what looked like her apartment except she was on the second floor. I knocked on her door and she finally let me in.
At first I was grateful but soon found out that my mom wasn’t really my mom, just another person who was going to force me back in front of that man, but then I woke up because my alarm went off.
I am sorry for the horrible, scary dream. Know that it isn't real. The tension of the world right now is overwhelming and I think your brain was just reliving some of it. Sending peace for a good night tonight. @integrityblues
Thanks. Looking at some of the images and themes I think it’s about my perceived failures and responsibilities. Yesterday was very rough and it’s making me feel helpless and stupid.
I hope I sleep better tonight.
I hope that you slept better last night. You are neither helpless nor stupid.
Did you have a moment of centering around your senses today? Mine was probably seeing about 30 white ibises at our lake during my quick walk tonight. I am starting to come down with a bit of a head cold though. Hopefully it won't worsen tomorrow. @integrityblues
I slept ok I just kept waking up so when it was time to really do that I was exhausted. I gave up my original plans and stayed in bed with the fan on.
I didn’t have anything purposely centered on my senses. I didn’t even do an exercise off my meditation app.
I have to wake up early and take a shower tomorrow morning so I’m ready to get at least one load of laundry done before my Zoom meeting!
I hope your head cold isn’t too bad.
The fan or the shower can provide that moment of connection. Anything you eat, or touch, or see. Your brain doesn't want you to find it, but it's there. It isn't necessarily a moment of peace. It can be a moment of just observation. It also doesn't have to be connected to meditation or anything like that. Think hard for the simple.
Mine is a bit hard too because of the head cold. We will go and visit my parents tomorrow and I am nervous about getting them sick. But we will make do. That doesn't mean I don't have a moment though. I walked into a flower shop today and enjoyed seeing how busy it was with all the different colors and types of flowers. I was choosing some flowers for a short service that we are having in honor of my mother-in-law's new gravestone on Saturday. So the moment wasn't necessarily a happy one, but I stopped and looked around for a minute. That was the good thing about that moment.
That sounds like a nice moment even if the purpose and reason for being in the flower shop wasn’t particularly happy.
I’ve just been so wrapped up in feeling awful and being still that it’s hard for me to make the effort to find the positive.
That Zoom call wasn’t good yesterday, but I’d also gotten another check from the DOR for travel funds since they missed a month. I was so excited that I ran out to try and cash it at my bank then realized it was closed. If I were thinking logically I would have come back the next day, but I was so over eager that I deposited that check at the ATM thinking I could withdraw the money after a moment. I had been overdrawn too, so my account just ate up that money! I got so mad at myself because I wanted to get some fast food to eat but I had just ruined the plan. The only benefit of this is that I’ll get all of my SSDI check at the beginning of August. I just made a decision that upset me afterwards.
All I could do was slowly walk in the heat to the Vons because I had 200 reward points from my app and if I redeemed them I could get a free 1.5 quart container of ice cream. I did that and got cookies and cream. I also saw so many dogs getting walks because it was getting closer to sunset and even though it was uncomfortably hot there was a breeze.
I got home and ate it all.
I had my lung study done this morning. It wasn’t too bad and since I’d never done it before and it was kind of neat. According to my test, my lungs and lung function are great. My coughing isn’t being caused by anything lung related, so my dr will either treat me for GERD or do another test.
Once I got home my mom told me she’d somehow blocked my number and didn’t know how to fix it, leading to me using my house phone to call her up and try to troubleshoot for her. We chatted as I used my freehand to do the search on my cellphone. She’s stressed out but won’t give any details so I let it be. She got to spend time with the dog for a little while earlier this week and that’s nice. I ended up texting her the screenshot with a big red circle around the easier option.
Now I’m going to try and eat something. All I had today was a cheap burrito at lunch because I had like 2 bucks in my checking account. I’m going to make a tuna melt!
Trust me. I understand exactly how hard it is do find that moment of connection. Your brain literally doesn't want you to do it and doesn't want you to remember. It wants you to focus on the bad. That is what makes depression so rough.
I had an awful day myself, but I am only going to focus on the good - a cup of lemon ginger tea to soothe my aching throat and some family time.
The bank machine took your money because fate was deciding that you should have the ice cream and get out a bit rather than going for the fast food. I try to blame fate for the bad that I don't want to have happen. "Oh well. Something else is supposed to happen instead." I am focused on that myself this evening.
I am glad that the lung study went well and that you ended up with a tuna melt. Your mom sounds like my mom with the cell phone. Tonight I was trying to show her a QR code with her phone. I never quite got it to work. Tech stuff doesn't work well for older people. They just get stressed.
Thanks.
My mom is now talking about moving to my area. I’m thrown but still tried to be supportive sort of. She said she doesn’t feel alive where she is, that she’s feeling the effects of her age (forgetfulness, frustration, and being so very tired), and won’t go into detail about the trouble my younger sister is causing.
I suggested that she go through all the steps carefully, researching what she needed to do, and most importantly not burn any bridges.
I only told her that I was surprised by the news and said I was worried what would happen if my younger sister showed up and caused trouble for me or her should she move here and allow my sister back again like she always does.
Sounds like that was quite the shocking message in terms of things going in a new direction. It could work but it could make things more overwhelming for you. You would have to be quite careful in setting boundaries. Your suggestion to your mom about slow planning was a good one. Be sure to follow it yourself.
How did the rest of your day go?
Sorry if my messages are quite coherent. Still sick. @integrityblues
You’re coherent.
It was a shocking message for sure, especially because she was talking about how she’d been thinking of moving to Las Vegas first but changed her mind to move closer to me instead of my older sister who she said is too old to do it.
I’ll have to set clear boundaries if I’m this overwhelmed now.
The rest of today was a mess.
My aunts didn’t bother to reply to me yet.
I warned my older sister about our mom’s news and basically she said she wasn’t touching the situation and was sad that none of us could help our younger sister or wanted her around.
I couldn’t get my best friend to respond to me so after hours and hours I asked if she was okay since she’s been so sick and I apologized for texting this morning and afternoon. She answered and we texted briefly. At least her summer cold is getting a little better, she broke her fever days ago and the chills are finally better. Now she’s dealing with a bad cough. I’ll say more Mi Sheberachs for her.
I was so thrown yesterday that I didn’t make my dinner after the call like I planned (I hadn’t eaten all day but was drinking plenty of water so I wasn’t dehydrated). I was so sore from yesterday’s trash day chores and weeding that I stayed in bed all day, only got up around lunchtime to force down some food. I made tuna melts again because I didn’t have the energy for more.
Please feel better, bestVase!
I am slowly doing a little better. Thanks.
Hopefully a day or so of adjusting to the news and talking to people will help. Remember that there is a good chance that your mom won't follow through. She has a tendency to change her mind regularly.
But you might eventually need to say to her that caring for her would take a great deal of change on her part. I would insist on doctor visits and getting her lung issues under control. You only have so much energy and she would need to be much more open to your needs than just her own.
But all of these ideas still means you need to care for yourself. The fact that you stopped eating because you were so worried about the possibility of this wasn't a good sign. You have to care for your physical and emotional needs first. Staying in bed all day isn't a good thing to be doing for either one of those things.
So what did you do to care for yourself today? Did you use your senses to focus on anything today? I made myself listen to a clarinet playing rather than worrying about how sick people in my family were today. @integrityblues
She might not follow through but I’m a little disturbed by the fact that she’s thinking of moving so close and refuses to consider moving closer to my older sister; I’ve been stung all these years by her saying she’d only accept my older sister doing anything and that my disability means I can’t, but now that I’ve been abiding by how she doesn’t want anything at all I’m irritated that it sounds like she’s changing the conditions. Now it’s like she’s forcing it.
I also think she’s trying to run from her problems. She’s got a decent place to stay now and has had it for years, but whatever’s been going on that she’s refusing to tell me until things are settled or “it’s much later”.
The things she’s described wanting are social interaction with people her age at like a senior center and cheap food to eat.
I ended up losing 5 lbs this week between the heat, the typical end of the month diet, and not eating for a day and a half.
So I eventually got up today at 10 in the morning and started tidying up slowly, then started cooking some chicken breasts and potatoes. I’d left my cutting board too close to my skillet while cooking and the flame scorched the side of it. I mean, it smelled like delicious woodsmoke but I removed it in time and put it in the sink to start drenching the hot spot with the tap.
The food was very good. I’m defrosting some ground turkey so I could make turkey burgers tomorrow.
I also sorted my laundry so I could go to the laundromat tomorrow, putting up one very small load to wash in my small washing machine here because I’d like wear something clean while I’m there. I’ve been so tired that I just kept pushing off the laundry I had planned.
We are going to go with the "delicious wood smoke smell" as your moment where you connected with your senses! I have so done things like that before myself. In fact this morning, I didn't have the potholder in the right place when I reached into the oven for my breakfast burrito and burned flesh instead of a cutting board. Lots of ice immediately kept it okay though.
You are right to be concerned and suspicious about your mom wanting to move closer. She isn't being very clear about why she wants to move. You have the right to say "no, I am not sure I can handle that because caring for you would be very physical for me". You could also insist that she move into a senior community near you if she really wants to move. Then she would have to agree to the conditions of living there - probably no smoking, etc. But she will eventually need care and should be near people that can best provide it.
You did a solid job in caring for yourself today by starting to eat again and aiming towards laundry. One thing when you have moments like the last few days is to eat something anyway even when you feel like it is too costly and you are too depressed. Without food things just get so much worse. @integrityblues
That’s true. I’ve been so burnt out and empty that eating or getting up hasn’t felt worth it. It took me all weekend to recover from the strained muscles and aches, now I’m ready to do a little more.
My friend finally said today that her recent illness is Covid- she was only calling it a summer cold and I immediately began saying Mi Sheberachs for her because I wanted her to feel better but had I known exactly how sick she was I would have said even more. Maybe she knew I’d get too concerned and fixate, maybe she just didn’t think to say anything because she felt really sick and only wanted to rest. I know I’m pretty codependent in general because of how I grew up but after my other friend passed I began to focus on the health of my remaining friends and focused on ways I could help them get better, even saying those Mi Sheberachs when they first got Covid forever ago, but this all smacks too much of me trying to prevent them from getting sick and dying. I know I can’t prevent that from happening, but I get so wrapped up in it that I also stop helping myself.
I spoke to one of my aunt’s this morning about my mom’s behavior. She’s not sure how to address it either but is urging me to take care of myself still.
I won’t know about where my mom is allowed to go and if she’s going to go until she tells me.
My job development appointment was awful today. In the middle of the meeting as she was talking about the length of time we’ve worked together and the number of jobs I’ve applied for but didn’t get, that she’d have to talk to my counselor about my plan and how to change it since things aren’t working, and my facial expression made it clear how depressed I was. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I was a failure. We talked a bit about how hard it’s been for anyone to get a job, how hard it’s been for job developers to help clients apply and obtain work. We found at least six possible remote jobs and I told her I’d look at them and apply to what wasn’t “remote in area”. Of those four out of six were in states I’d have to move to work remotely. The last two were one that expired after I went to lunch and one that I applied for even though I’m not very qualified for it.
Now I’m trying to relax and prepare for tomorrow.
There are actually a large number of positives in your post if you look closely:
I am glad that you are eating again and able to do a bit more.
Your friend is recovering from the COVID. I am also almost over my head cold (and it was never COVID) in case you were worried about me. It is okay that you worry about people, but it is good when you recognize when that begins to overwhelm you in bad ways.
Your aunt recognizes that your mom moving closer would be a problem. That means that you have a bit of support on that front.
I know that you thought the job call went bad, but it had its good parts. You really are working with someone quite caring. She could see you were upset and brought it up so that you could vent. That is something that you really need during a job hunt. She didn't accuse you of not trying. You are going to find something.
You are worthy of a good job. There are lots of people out there caring for you and cheering you onwards. I am quite confident that it is going to happen.
It was an okay day. Tomorrow will be even better. @integrityblues
I love cats too! Wish more people did too cause there are a lot of strays not enough cat mammas and cat daddies. I carry cat food in my car if I see a stray I feed them. I can't afford to adopt anymore I two at home.
But I understand the way people can be so cold to pets and strays on the street. I don't have the finances to adopt them all. But I can do what I can its tough. I've found sick cat cat before and I took it too the vet it had to be put to sleep. That was sad too. Life is complicated. Hope you are cuddling with your kitty dear Take care
I don’t have any cats, it was just a strange dream. I appreciate your efforts to care for cats though.
I can’t have pets because of my lease, but I spent a year interacting with a friendly community cat. He was hit by a car one day, ran away and was gone for a month then he or a cat who looked very similar showed up.
I’d like to think the cat might have been adopted.
Now I try not to form relationships with the community cats. I just refresh a bowl of water that my neighbor provides along with a dish of food because he likes feeding and watering the local strays that catch mice for us.
I’m so tired. I did almost all my laundry (really just what I could afford at the end of the month) but I now have clean clothes and bedding and towels.
I wrote just over a thousand words yesterday. Since I’d dropped my word count goal days and days ago, I met my goal and won Camp NaNoWriMo July, but since theres a few days left I kept working on it. Today is the last day so I’ll try to write a little more if I have the energy.
I woke up today completely worn out. I’ll lay down and rest because in addition to more writing I’m trying to mentally prepare myself to go socialize at the gamer group tomorrow.
I didn't even know that you were writing this month! I am so glad that you met your goal and got your laundry done! Great job.
I know that you are tired, but you did it anyway. And I bet the gamer group tomorrow will be a solid outing.
My victory for today was getting started on making a bunch of quizzes that I have to hand input into the computer program each year. I had been avoiding them.@integrityblues
I slept so much today. Kind of preparing for tomorrow’s adventure. If MySSA is correct I should get paid the day after tomorrow, so I also wanted to sleep away the day to get closer to that.
The writing that I finally got to yesterday was pretty good and it only reinforces the fact that rewriting does make things better. I rewrote an entire scene and enjoyed how solid it felt. I made different choices (like instead killing off a character I changed it so they could runaway and reinforce a tragic theme I started to like after reading something about a classic horror movie character being a tragic figure instead of a villain) and tried to mesh the characters and setting better using the senses.
You’ll get all those quizzes done, bestVase. Because you’re pretty awesome. I’m glad to hear that you don’t have Covid, it’s nasty stuff.
I’ll post about the gaming group meeting tomorrow.
I went to the gaming group. I wanted to peel my skin off during the first 30 minutes. It got a little easier but I didn’t want to touch everything, so I didn’t play board games or cards with some of the others who weren’t wearing masks or try the Nintendo switch.
I kept sanitizing my hands and played Genshin Impact on my phone, I chatted with them when asked questions and listened politely to one person talking about her Zumba classes being canceled, wanting to go rollerblading next to the beach, how her daughter is going to college, and have I tried a French style cheesecake from Walmart?
By the time it was noon I was so tired. I made sure to stay for the whole meeting so I can report something to my therapist. I told them at the meeting that next week I’d try to play on the Nintendo switch.
When I got home I hauled the trash cans but now I’ve got a big headache.
I am so glad that you got to the gaming group. The first time was really going to be hard work in terms of draining you because you aren't used to being in a space where you don't know people. But you did really well. You engaged with other people. That was the only goal. It will get easier next time. It is a success as long as you keep trying.
Going to the group is a little like rewriting that scene. Each time you rewrite it then it gets better and richer. Sometimes you won't be sure of yourself, but that's okay.
My day today was okay. My moment of focus was on a bird feather that I saw stuck in the sidewalk.
Yesterday my mom called in response to a text I sent (my aunt finally passed her clinical psych nurse 3 certification) to say that she took all this months pay after rent to try and get my younger sister’s other boyfriend out of jail. That she won’t be able to do laundry or pay her cellphone bill so we wouldn’t get to talk again.
She felt very depressed about it and was already trying to get a refund. She was so mad after the fact that she told the police and they said to call if my sister shows up again.
My sister showed up and my mom had to end the call to talk to the police and my sisters ex-boyfriend (the one who went to jail for the stabbing but I guess is trying to do better now that he’s out) who warned my mom not to pay.
My mom called back to say the ex and the police were looking for my sister. The ex to just get my sister to stay away from my mom and stay out of trouble with the police, and the police to tell my sister to stay away and not damage the property because apparently before they got there my sister was using a tree branch or stick to hit my mom’s window hard enough to make the screen partially fall off.
I informed my aunts and my older sister and mom just doesn’t want anyone’s help.
I am so sorry for all of the drama. You have made the correct assessment though. Your mom doesn't want your help or she would actually do some of the things that you suggest.
But I can imagine it is so, so hard not to get pulled in to try and fix things. Your mom really needs to hit the low point on her own. It sounds like she will reach that point soon.
Sending lots of strength and hugs. Remember to stay focused as much as you can on you. @integrityblues
