My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
Dreamed that I had a 10 cm growth in my uterus. Likely just in response to me worrying about my phone appointment coming up this week to talk about my real life biopsy results.
When that kind of stuff ends up in your dreams that is never fun. I am sorry. I hope that you have the results that you need soon. The waiting is often the worse part of it. Sending lots of peace.
How has your weekend been so far otherwise? @integrityblues
my weekend has been very tiring but I’m preparing for that call, another job development meeting, then a resume writing workshop I’ll attend virtually with my job developer.
You are doing great things and moving in a good direction. I know having such things hanging over your head makes it all harder, but you aren't letting any of that stop you right now. I am impressed. @integrityblues
Thank you. I haven’t felt like I’ve done much good lately. I’ve been dragging but I’m also getting better at getting most tasks completed the day before my appointments.
I’m calling to make an appointment with my dentist tomorrow too!
You are getting much better at getting closer to a job by making all of those appointments and keeping on top of things. And now the dentist too! Good job. @integrityblues
I called to make a dentist appointment today and they happened to have something for this afternoon. I agreed to it and then I fretted over it while I did my laundry and prepared.
It took a long time between them running behind on other appointments and my insurance company not clearing me for something till the last minute, I guess.
I got X-rays then got to speak with the dentist about my teeth, my gums, and the fact that I’d not gotten dental care since I was 9 years old.
She looked at my teeth and said that I’d actually taken decent care of them considering my history.
I need a stage 2 cleaning with scaling. I also have 3 cavities.
I made an appointment to come back on Monday and I’ll make another appointment, but now I don’t remember which is happening first. I also have no idea what my copays are going to be since they only said it would be mentioned.
Admittedly I’d been thrown by the idea of the drilling and filling happening right then and mentions of an optional treatment for my gums that wasn’t covered by insurance and would cost 1,000 bucks. I’m fixated on whether or not I had to pay for something but they didn’t give me a bill or send me an email.
So I’m hoping that I don’t screw up.
I know that it feels like it happened all really fast and that you don't know what is happening next, but you aren't going to screw this up. Your teeth are already in better shape than they should be. They never say that to me and I go every six months.
They are going to do the cleaning first most likely. They want the teeth really clean before they can do any fillings. And just a few fillings isn't bad. Take it a step at a time. Figure out the copay for the cleaning and then when you schedule the next appointment then you can figure out the next one.
You are moving in a great direction in tackling something that you put off. Go you!
Thanks. I’ve been getting so wrapped up in the dental stuff that I put off my job development stuff. I feel a little stupid for letting it go that far.
I'm going to try and get something done so I have something small to present to my job developer. I’ll probably just explain that I’d gotten overwhelmed after I said I’d try and find and apply to two jobs on my own when our last meeting was almost over. That in spite of looking for a couple days I kept finding things I didn’t think I should apply for but saved them anyway.
I got a call from my dentist and when I asked they did clarify that my upcoming appointment will be for the cleaning and that my cavities will be treated during another appointment, the copays are something my insurance should provide information for. For now I’m focusing on developing a better brushing and flossing routine.
The whole job hunt thing is tough because there are so many voices in your head saying "not that one" and "not qualified" when you actually are. So any steps forward are good steps especially with the dental stuff on top of it.
You continue to head in a great direction. Focus on what you are doing rather than the things that you miss doing. @integrityblues
Good news. Got the call about my sample result and it’s benign. They said that what was found on the imaging was likely a polyp since another one was found early in the biopsy procedure. Next step is a hysteroscopy in May to get a good look and remove any polyps they find inside.
Unfortunately when I told my aunts they both thought I was getting a hysterectomy. I mean one might have just made a typing error but the other went in depth after I explained the differences and still asked if my ovaries were going to be removed.
Told my older sister and my friend and they were supportive, but I just couldn’t help texting my mom about it and then trying to call. I got to listen to her voice message but she either didn’t remember how to empty her voice mail box on the phone she hates or she’s left it like that so no one can leave messages.
Nothing came of it except me feeling sad.
I am so glad that you got the good results. That is the most important thing here.
Sorry that your aunts misunderstood a bit. They sound a bit like some of my older relatives who don't hear all that well. The conversations can be a little comic.
The hysteroscopy sounds like a good next step. Have they said whether those are painful or not? You might suggest they either sedate you or give you solid pain meds.
And I am sorry again about your mom. She probably has no idea how to begin a relationship again so just avoids it. That pain will continue to be a bit hard I am sure. But keep remembering the rest of your family. They value you and they are important. @integrityblues
Had a much larger note before but the app wouldn’t save it.
Hysteroscopy probably will include a sedative or additional pain medicine so it’s uncomfortable but bearable.
I got a call from my mother. She wanted to say sorry about blocking us (I figured). I spoke carefully so I could learn how she was doing without becoming invested. She could tell I was being careful and I guess after the yelling my older sister did she was surprised that I wasn’t the same.
I wanted to yell, but instead I just explained how hurt I was and all the stuff I went through without her help.
I was just unsure how to continue since I didn’t want to accidentally say something that would give her a reason to abandon us again. I still love her and told her so but I have to be cautious now.
We made small talk and I sent her a recent video of the community cat I usually would talk to her about.
Sorry about the app saving stuff. I try to just do it on my computer and then when it looks like it isn't going to save a message because it has logged me out, I copy and paste it really quickly. I have saved myself a few times that way.
I think that the hysteroscopy will be much like the first procedure that you had done. I would ask for extra sedation or pain meds if they offer it. But then it will be done which will be a huge relief.
I am not surprised that your mom got back in touch. She wasn't sure how. I think carefully explaining to her the damage that she did has a much greater impact than yelling it at her. It will hopefully get her to think more. She abandoned all of you because she was being selfish and wasn't thinking about the hurt that she was causing. Hopefully now she does. But I am sure that was a difficult conversation for you. @integrityblues
Yes. The only one she didn’t abandon was my younger homeless sister, but she was quick to explain how hard it was to handle the situation and behavior. According to my mom it was my younger sister’s reaction to the news of the rest of us being blocked that made mom feel guilty for being so selfish.
The whole situation is like a minefield. I haven’t even tried to speak to her today. Instead I’m sticking to what I suggested. Taking it slowly and maybe texting with her. I don’t want to go back to what we used to do because I’ve spent a painful couple of months working on myself. I’ve made progress and don’t want to backtrack because she suddenly feels sorry.
That sounds great. It has been really painful I know, but I have watched you grow in the last few weeks and months as you no longer let your mom's problems dominate your life. Because she needs so much, it is so easy to become overwhelmed with worry. So a few occasional texts works great. Keep it at that level for a bit.
What kinds of things did you do today for you?@integrityblues
I settled on rescheduling a free orthodontist appointment the same day as my cleaning tomorrow. I’ve been stressing over all the texts and emails I’ve received about the missed appointment because they ran out of time and couldn’t fit in both of my appointments. I’d spoken to them over the phone and made it clear that I didn’t really want braces. That my insurance wasn’t going to cover any of it and that it wasn’t something I found necessary or affordable.
Then I got another set of texts and emails this morning and decided to just do the appointment as long as it was a free consultation and make it clear that I no longer wanted to hear about braces or aligners. I don’t think my smile needs to be made “beautiful” since it’s already pretty awesome.
Admittedly I started panicking when I got an additional confirmation email that said it was a braces appointment, then I had to rationalize it to myself that since I hadn’t received any email confirmation for my first set of appointments that it may have said the same thing regarding the orthodontist appointment.
Yes, remember that those are just a general series of emails that they send to everyone. As long as you are careful not to sign anything you should be fine.
You are right that you don't need braces. Don't let them convince you otherwise. Focus on what needs to get done right now.
I am sending you tons of good vibes for the appointment.@integrityblues
Got my teeth cleaned today. Skipped the braces consultation when they said that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to and after I explained the repeated texts and emails about it they took at least my number off the orthodontist list. It’s all about corporate trying to make money.
The person cleaning my teeth told me that this cleaning (in addition to doing it because it was important) was because I have gingivitis then brought up the 1,000 dollar treatment not covered by my insurance. Since that’s my rent payment plus a few more bills I had to say no.
Now I’m kind of flailing around wondering if I really heard her say I have a broken tooth. Maybe it’s a mistake.
I scheduled my cavity treatment for the 3rd so I have a chance of paying the possible copays.
Sorry, I missed the second report. Take all the dentist stuff one small step at a time. Do what you can afford and celebrate what you get done.
A slightly chipped or broken tooth isn't necessarily an immediate problem.
You got the teeth cleaned and that is awesome! I bet that you are relieved that is done.
@integrityblues
It’s okay. The cleaning hurt, specifically the metal tools prodding the cavities and scraping the possibly broken tooth.
My teeth do look cleaner, but I’m going to have to try harder with the gingivitis.
You do a good job cleaning your teeth to begin with. Remember that. It is just that you went so long without the dentist cleaning. That is what caused the gingivitis.
Hope that you are having a good day today.
Sorry that I ran out of time for posting yesterday.@integrityblues
I’m going to have to remember that. I’ll have to stick with my brushing and flossing routine as well as eat better foods to support good dental health.
My day could have been better. I was startled by a message from someone on Indeed about a paralegal job I’ve been told about because they read about my technical writing experience (limited as it is since I studied without ever finding a job). I immediately became anxious about it. The one good thing is that I’ve got two meetings set up with my job developer this week, one after the other.
Aside from that I’ve just been sore and exhausted from my period. I’m going to try and get enough sleep so I’m ready for my meeting.
its okay that you ran out of time. I did some journaling afterwards, and it was nice. I did a little coloring too.
I had a dream that I was talking to my mom. I said something that upset her and made her start withdrawing. She was finding reasons to stop talking again and I was so anxious over my mistake.
I woke up in a mood.
I just had to take care of my Friday trash day prep and unfortunately someone completely overstuffed certain trash cans. I think that a tenant might be moving since the trash is packed with clothes hangers, brooms and a Swiffer, and garbage bags filled with glassware. It was so heavy that I had to move stuff around from trash can to trash can to make it bearable to drag them up the stairs and to the curb.
I stopped what I was doing to offer the friendly community cat I affectionately call Lil Boy a nice can of tuna, but he seemed more interested in getting inside my house. He’s a sweet cat, but he’s got his places to wait out the rain that’s coming. I’m considering getting a small container of his favorite cat food and maybe a little stainless steel food dish.
I also had my Zoom meeting with my job developer. It was a good meeting and I made sure to apply for two of the three jobs we looked at. The third was just too far away.
And maybe because of that dream I gave into the thought of texting my mom for the first time since she called last week. She said she wasn’t doing well but hanging in there. I’d asked her if she needed to talk and she said no, but thanked me for asking. I told her that Id text her again next week after my dental appointment and she seemed to like that better.
I’m just so tired.
Between your cycle, getting back in touch with your mom, the dental stuff, and the job stuff, you have had a very busy week. Of course you are exhausted.
But I like how you allowed yourself to see and focus on the cat for just a few minutes. Your brain is in the right place. You are just tired.
Focus on the job stuff and the personal health stuff. Things are going to come together even better next week. The job interviews are going to start coming. They will always be disconcerting at first, but you can do this. You just do the best that you can and if they like you they like you. It will probably take a job interview or two before things connect anyway. The key is to avoid putting too much pressure on yourself or worrying about the "what if" part of things. @integrityblues
I’m trying my best. Thanks
I hope that you have had a good weekend. @integrityblues
My weekend has been okay so far, even if my other aunt canceled our Sunday breakfast because of the rain. I was counting on the free meal, so on Friday I looked at everything I had left in my kitchen and decided it was going to be a pancakes, French toast, any kind of egg dish sort of weekend paired with whatever frozen stuff is in my freezer that I’ve been too tired to cook. And peanut butter, of course.
That sounds good! Sometime this week I am going to make French toast waffles which are supposedly a combo of defrosted waffles done as though they are French toast with the eggs and cinnamon and everything. We will see how they turn out.
Today I made a failed lemon pound cake. I am not quite sure what I did but it ended up totally flat with butter leaking out everywhere. Oh well. I will do better next time. @integrityblues
Ooh, I’ll have to try and make those French toast waffles next week. If I get up and make brunch since it’s almost noon here I’ll also try and make some peanut butter cookies for later.
That sounds great! I will let you know how my French toast waffles turn out! @integrityblues
I am now home from a dental appointment where two of my three cavities were treated. I asked the dentist and he said that I’d probably have more trouble with the numb face and tongue from the additional shots for the third drilling. That it was about my comfort, and since I was already shaking with anxiety after sitting in the exam room for ten to fifteen minutes staring down the tray of tools and shots I agreed that it was for the best.
Surprisingly, the worst part for me was the shot, specifically the one with the longest needle that felt like it was going into my tongue when it was just deep in the gums. They’d numbed me with some gel first and that made it easier.
The best part was the drilling- I was sure I’d be screaming in pain but the cavities weren’t close to the nerves. The drill was very cold and that was kind of soothing? Also yeah, they were digging out my cavities which have been bothering me a lot so it was a relief.
It’s almost been two hours and my lips and cheeks are still numb. My tongue is getting better but it still kind of tingly.
Now I’m waiting for my mom to get back to me.
Yes, you have indeed described the usual filing procedure. The original needle is the worst part. The drilling is okay for me as well as long as it doesn't go on for too long. I have trouble with the high pitch sound impacting my ears.
But the pain really isn't bad after the pain meds wear off either. You are correct - you have been dealing with the tooth pain for a long time. This is going to be a massive improvement.
And I made the french toast waffles tonight. They were good and pretty easy. Not the healthiest thing in the world but nice and soft.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you too. @integrityblues
I’m glad you made the French toast waffles. I’m going to try it out this weekend if my aunt cancels on me because of more rain.
I’m currently trying to stop worrying the fillings with my tongue. I’m sure it feels so strange because it’s new and different, but I’m also scared to chew and floss. I had an Ensure for dinner.
I’m just worried about my fillings falling out.
They won't fall out unless they put in just temporary fillings. They would only have done that if they did complete root canals on the teeth.
If they are permanent fillings, then you can eat whatever you want. But start with softer foods to make things easier psychologically. Your mouth will start to feel like your own again soon, I promise. @integrityblues
That’s true. I keep making myself fixate on it by forgetting where the fillings were placed exactly, then realizing where one of the visible ones is by looking into a mirror. They don’t hurt. I very cautiously flossed and brushed last night. I decided against getting an electric toothbrush and instead purchased a badly needed new bra. I should have it by Sunday.
By the way, I’m going to have a phone interview for a job soon. I’m just waiting to see if my suggestion for tomorrow afternoon is agreed on.
That is awesome! You really are moving in lots of great directions. @integrityblues
my Interview didn’t go well. I’m not a right fit for the position but they suggested another one for me that will be posted later on.
I know that it is painful when job interviews don't go well. I am sorry.
What was good is that they recognized there was another position that might fit you better. They weren't entirely rejecting you. They were trying to find a spot for you. That means that it is a caring organization and that they value people.
Each time that you do one of these interviews you learn something about yourself. You are going to get much better at them. It just takes a bit of time. You are doing what you need to do to move forward. That is excellent.
But be sure to care for yourself tonight. It is so easy with bad interviews to decide - hey I won't eat either or maybe I will just stew about it for hours. Avoid those traps.@integrityblues
You’re right. I took it a little personally at first but I’ll try again and might do better because of the practice.
I got to do some nice things today. I bought myself new light bulbs for the light above my door and my ceiling fan. I got a lower wattage bulb to see if that would last longer on my ceiling fan since it eats bulbs.
Then after I rested for a bit I got to go to an early dinner with my other aunt and her daughters. Then ywe went shoe shopping (I got some new sneakers and slippers), got some Krispy Kreme donuts, and Baskin Robin
What beautiful ways to care for yourself. I am glad that you got some new shoes, lightbulbs and donuts. It has been so long since I had a nice donut. When you focus on those little things you begin to heal from the bigger stuff.
Each job interview is pointing you in a better direction. Keep up the good work.@integrityblues
I dreamt that I had to attend a family reunion. While there I realized my dad was attending even though he’s dead.
I purposely started bringing up the past with everyone there, explaining how my parents ruined my life with the neglect and the abuse as well as their abuse of each other.
I was called out for airing out my family’s dirty laundry, why couldn’t I just let it be so everyone could have a nice time?
It exploded into a massive family fight against me. I woke up just as I was found in my hiding place trying to recover from injuries I sustained.
Dreams can be really honest. You told the truth about your past. That was a good thing. I hope that it will eventually bring you some peace. @integrityblues
I was procrastinating for a final project that I’ve dreamed about before. It was a paper examining a cartoon I think? I was in the middle of calculating how much time I had left to quickly put it together when I woke up again.
I don’t know. My favorite is semiotics, a part of post-structural analysis or deconstructionism. While structuralism has a viewer examine just the work itself, post-structural analysis involves the meaning derive from words or images depending on the denotative and connotative meanings.
You really have a good feel for how all of that kind of stuff gets analyzed. Impressive! @integrityblues
Aw, thanks!
I also was able to make a call today to the mental health office to ask after my new therapist since I haven’t heard from her in nearly a month and really need to talk to an actual therapist because I’m worried about how hard I’ve been leaning on my best friend.
The nice receptionist sent an email to my therapist and put me on hold so I could leave my own message in the therapist’s voicemail.
I was so tired after doing that and taking my medication this morning I fell back asleep and didn’t wake up again till the late afternoon.
I think my cycle might be on its way, so I’m going to treat myself nicely and rest more because of the full body fatigue.
I’ll be able to speak with my neurologist tomorrow for our phone appointment mostly to get refills for my medications and make it to my next in person appointment in 6 months.
I hope that you are feeling less fatigued now. It is good that you treated yourself to some rest. It sounds like that was a bunch of appointments to handle.@integrityblues
I got my last cavity drilled and filled this morning. It was a little harder than the other two, I think it was a bit worse off. It even hurt more to have it drilled as the pain would hit in dulled flashes through the shot. It was bearable but still a little scary.
On my way there I’d passed a spot on my corner where someone had dumped a coffee maker and shattered the coffee carafe. When I walked home and passed the same spot it was still there so I went inside and dropped my purse and cane so I could grab my broom and dustpan plus some garbage bags. I went back and was able to sweep all of the glass and dragged the coffee maker back home to dump it in our trash in the back.
I didn’t get to have my job development meeting because she was having trouble with her computer at the office.
And I made the mistake of talking with my mom because I wanted to talk about my dental appointment. She’s apparently decided my younger sister won’t be her caregiver because the last time she showed up there for a shower my sister commented about how bad my mother and my mother’s chair smelled, that both smelled like poop. My mom said that she doesn’t need a caregiver and that I don’t have to say anything about it to anyone. After a few hours I broke and informed my older sister, stressing that I didn’t want mom to use this as the excuse to shut me out again.
It’s just hard because I’m trying to not get too involved.
This sounds like quite the killer of a day. I am sorry about the teeth pain and the run-in with your mom.
I am guessing that you called her because of the teeth pain and having to do the clean up because you just wanted some mom kindness. Unluckily, she isn't the best at offering that right now. What you might want to try to do is wait 24 hours after you have done the traumatic whatever it is before contacting her. Then you don't take the risk of her making things worse.
I know that sounds much harder on you, but maybe you can convince yourself that 24 hours isn't too long to wait. You will be in a better mental state to handle her possible bad news or bad mood if you do.
Sending peace. You deserve more support from her, but that isn't entirely an option. But little contact is an improvement over no contact at all. @integrityblues
It’s okay. Though it hurts that she’s just making more problems for herself and driving away the only one she’d allow to help her, I get why because it was extremely hurtful for my sister to say that to her.
The parts where we spoke only about my teeth or how she was handling a mishap with her recent diaper delivery were just fine. We talked about diets and how I don’t feel comfortable eating my favorite candy bar anymore because of my new fillings. It was pretty lighthearted till she revealed the news about the failure of the caregiver plan.
I guess I was too hopeful that my younger sister helping our mom would work out instead of blowup in our faces or my mom going through the program to qualify for a caregiver and choose someone else like a friend she trusts. She’s just sticking to the idea that she doesn’t want any help from anyone even if she needs it. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her that a caregiver isn’t going to be a nurse. My aunt even told me that it was possible after this latest experience with my younger sister that she’s unwilling to risk anyone bringing up something so embarrassing and rubbing her face in it.
Once again I’m making myself think more about taking care of me because my mom doesn’t want to be taken care of. I exercised today and stayed within my calorie limit. I’ve stuck to flossing at least once a day and brushing/rinsing twice a day. I made dinner! Granted, it was just spaghetti because I made sure to get plenty of softer foods for my teeth, but it’s a step up from boxed macaroni dinners.
Taking care of you is excellent. Glad that you were able to make dinner.
Your mom sounds like she just needs some time. She may feel better about things in another few days. Convincing my parents that my dad needed help (and that my mom was really bad at it - family members usually are) took a month or two. But now they are very happy that he is getting the proper care from someone else. @integrityblues
For some reason it didn't show me either of these two messages until now, just as I was finishing for the night.
It sounds like the dentist appointment and your mom were both hard. I want to get a chance to better think through a response to you.
Can you like this post and I will put you at the top of the pile for tomorrow?
Sorry....
I dreamt that I was attending my high school graduation but it was massive. It was so large that we were sort of living there and storing stuff as we were waiting for the ceremony to be over. Strangely my friends (my current best friend who went to school with me and her fiancé who didn’t) didn’t want to spend any time with me at all. It was implied that I was embarrassing them though I don’t know why.
I also made the most disgusting meal by mixing a can of SpaghettiOs with some kind of meat and potatoes dish? My friends wouldn’t touch it and I can’t blame them.
It is a weird dream, but you are certainly more lovable and supportable than the dream let you believe. Remember that your best friend wants to support you. You aren't burdening your friend at all by talking through your stuff with them. @integrityblues
That’s true. My subconscious can be a jerk.
That's true of everyone's subconscious. @integrityblues
