My 7 Cups Dream Journal

Good news. Got the call about my sample result and it’s benign. They said that what was found on the imaging was likely a polyp since another one was found early in the biopsy procedure. Next step is a hysteroscopy in May to get a good look and remove any polyps they find inside.

Unfortunately when I told my aunts they both thought I was getting a hysterectomy. I mean one might have just made a typing error but the other went in depth after I explained the differences and still asked if my ovaries were going to be removed.

Told my older sister and my friend and they were supportive, but I just couldn’t help texting my mom about it and then trying to call. I got to listen to her voice message but she either didn’t remember how to empty her voice mail box on the phone she hates or she’s left it like that so no one can leave messages.

Nothing came of it except me feeling sad.

I am so glad that you got the good results. That is the most important thing here.

Sorry that your aunts misunderstood a bit. They sound a bit like some of my older relatives who don't hear all that well. The conversations can be a little comic.

The hysteroscopy sounds like a good next step. Have they said whether those are painful or not?  You might suggest they either sedate you or give you solid pain meds.

And I am sorry again about your mom. She probably has no idea how to begin a relationship again so just avoids it. That pain will continue to be a bit hard I am sure. But keep remembering the rest of your family. They value you and they are important. @integrityblues

Had a much larger note before but the app wouldn’t save it.

Hysteroscopy probably will include a sedative or additional pain medicine so it’s uncomfortable but bearable.

I got a call from my mother. She wanted to say sorry about blocking us (I figured). I spoke carefully so I could learn how she was doing without becoming invested. She could tell I was being careful and I guess after the yelling my older sister did she was surprised that I wasn’t the same.

I wanted to yell, but instead I just explained how hurt I was and all the stuff I went through without her help.

I was just unsure how to continue since I didn’t want to accidentally say something that would give her a reason to abandon us again. I still love her and told her so but I have to be cautious now.

We made small talk and I sent her a recent video of the community cat I usually would talk to her about.

Sorry about the app saving stuff. I try to just do it on my computer and then when it looks like it isn't going to save a message because it has logged me out, I copy and paste it really quickly. I have saved myself a few times that way.

I think that the hysteroscopy will be much like the first procedure that you had done. I would ask for extra sedation or pain meds if they offer it. But then it will be done which will be a huge relief.

I am not surprised that your mom got back in touch. She wasn't sure how. I think carefully explaining to her the damage that she did has a much greater impact than yelling it at her. It will hopefully get her to think more. She abandoned all of you because she was being selfish and wasn't thinking about the hurt that she was causing. Hopefully now she does. But I am sure that was a difficult conversation for you. @integrityblues

Yes. The only one she didn’t abandon was my younger homeless sister, but she was quick to explain how hard it was to handle the situation and behavior. According to my mom it was my younger sister’s reaction to the news of the rest of us being blocked that made mom feel guilty for being so selfish.

The whole situation is like a minefield. I haven’t even tried to speak to her today. Instead I’m sticking to what I suggested. Taking it slowly and maybe texting with her. I don’t want to go back to what we used to do because I’ve spent a painful couple of months working on myself. I’ve made progress and don’t want to backtrack because she suddenly feels sorry.

That sounds great. It has been really painful I know, but I have watched you grow in the last few weeks and months as you no longer let your mom's problems dominate your life. Because she needs so much, it is so easy to become overwhelmed with worry. So a few occasional texts works great. Keep it at that level for a bit.

What kinds of things did you do today for you?@integrityblues

I settled on rescheduling a free orthodontist appointment the same day as my cleaning tomorrow. I’ve been stressing over all the texts and emails I’ve received about the missed appointment because they ran out of time and couldn’t fit in both of my appointments. I’d spoken to them over the phone and made it clear that I didn’t really want braces. That my insurance wasn’t going to cover any of it and that it wasn’t something I found necessary or affordable.

Then I got another set of texts and emails this morning and decided to just do the appointment as long as it was a free consultation and make it clear that I no longer wanted to hear about braces or aligners. I don’t think my smile needs to be made “beautiful” since it’s already pretty awesome.

Admittedly I started panicking when I got an additional confirmation email that said it was a braces appointment, then I had to rationalize it to myself that since I hadn’t received any email confirmation for my first set of appointments that it may have said the same thing regarding the orthodontist appointment.

Yes, remember that those are just a general series of emails that they send to everyone. As long as you are careful not to sign anything you should be fine.

You are right that you don't need braces. Don't let them convince you otherwise. Focus on what needs to get done right now.

I am sending you tons of good vibes for the appointment.@integrityblues

Got my teeth cleaned today. Skipped the braces consultation when they said that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to and after I explained the repeated texts and emails about it they took at least my number off the orthodontist list. It’s all about corporate trying to make money.

The person cleaning my teeth told me that this cleaning (in addition to doing it because it was important) was because I have gingivitis then brought up the 1,000 dollar treatment not covered by my insurance. Since that’s my rent payment plus a few more bills I had to say no.

Now I’m kind of flailing around wondering if I really heard her say I have a broken tooth. Maybe it’s a mistake.

I scheduled my cavity treatment for the 3rd so I have a chance of paying the possible copays.

Sorry, I missed the second report. Take all the dentist stuff one small step at a time. Do what you can afford and celebrate what you get done.

A slightly chipped or broken tooth isn't necessarily an immediate problem.

You got the teeth cleaned and that is awesome! I bet that you are relieved that is done.

@integrityblues

It’s okay. The cleaning hurt, specifically the metal tools prodding the cavities and scraping the possibly broken tooth.

My teeth do look cleaner, but I’m going to have to try harder with the gingivitis.

You do a good job cleaning your teeth to begin with. Remember that. It is just that you went so long without the dentist cleaning. That is what caused the gingivitis.

Hope that you are having a good day today.

Sorry that I ran out of time for posting yesterday.@integrityblues

I’m going to have to remember that. I’ll have to stick with my brushing and flossing routine as well as eat better foods to support good dental health.

My day could have been better. I was startled by a message from someone on Indeed about a paralegal job I’ve been told about because they read about my technical writing experience (limited as it is since I studied without ever finding a job). I immediately became anxious about it. The one good thing is that I’ve got two meetings set up with my job developer this week, one after the other.

Aside from that I’ve just been sore and exhausted from my period. I’m going to try and get enough sleep so I’m ready for my meeting.

its okay that you ran out of time. I did some journaling afterwards, and it was nice. I did a little coloring too.

I had a dream that I was talking to my mom. I said something that upset her and made her start withdrawing. She was finding reasons to stop talking again and I was so anxious over my mistake.

I woke up in a mood.

I just had to take care of my Friday trash day prep and unfortunately someone completely overstuffed certain trash cans. I think that a tenant might be moving since the trash is packed with clothes hangers, brooms and a Swiffer, and garbage bags filled with glassware. It was so heavy that I had to move stuff around from trash can to trash can to make it bearable to drag them up the stairs and to the curb.

I stopped what I was doing to offer the friendly community cat I affectionately call Lil Boy a nice can of tuna, but he seemed more interested in getting inside my house. He’s a sweet cat, but he’s got his places to wait out the rain that’s coming. I’m considering getting a small container of his favorite cat food and maybe a little stainless steel food dish.

I also had my Zoom meeting with my job developer. It was a good meeting and I made sure to apply for two of the three jobs we looked at. The third was just too far away.

And maybe because of that dream I gave into the thought of texting my mom for the first time since she called last week. She said she wasn’t doing well but hanging in there. I’d asked her if she needed to talk and she said no, but thanked me for asking. I told her that Id text her again next week after my dental appointment and she seemed to like that better.

I’m just so tired.

Between your cycle, getting back in touch with your mom, the dental stuff, and the job stuff, you have had a very busy week. Of course you are exhausted.

But I like how you allowed yourself to see and focus on the cat for just a few minutes. Your brain is in the right place. You are just tired.

Focus on the job stuff and the personal health stuff. Things are going to come together even better next week. The job interviews are going to start coming. They will always be disconcerting at first, but you can do this. You just do the best that you can and if they like you they like you. It will probably take a job interview or two before things connect anyway. The key is to avoid putting too much pressure on yourself or worrying about the "what if" part of things. @integrityblues

I’m trying my best. Thanks

I hope that you have had a good weekend. @integrityblues

My weekend has been okay so far, even if my other aunt canceled our Sunday breakfast because of the rain. I was counting on the free meal, so on Friday I looked at everything I had left in my kitchen and decided it was going to be a pancakes, French toast, any kind of egg dish sort of weekend paired with whatever frozen stuff is in my freezer that I’ve been too tired to cook. And peanut butter, of course.

That sounds good! Sometime this week I am going to make French toast waffles which are supposedly a combo of defrosted waffles done as though they are French toast with the eggs and cinnamon and everything. We will see how they turn out.

Today I made a failed lemon pound cake. I am not quite sure what I did but it ended up totally flat with butter leaking out everywhere. Oh well. I will do better next time. @integrityblues

Ooh, I’ll have to try and make those French toast waffles next week. If I get up and make brunch since it’s almost noon here I’ll also try and make some peanut butter cookies for later.

That sounds great! I will let you know how my French toast waffles turn out! @integrityblues

I am now home from a dental appointment where two of my three cavities were treated. I asked the dentist and he said that I’d probably have more trouble with the numb face and tongue from the additional shots for the third drilling. That it was about my comfort, and since I was already shaking with anxiety after sitting in the exam room for ten to fifteen minutes staring down the tray of tools and shots I agreed that it was for the best.

Surprisingly, the worst part for me was the shot, specifically the one with the longest needle that felt like it was going into my tongue when it was just deep in the gums. They’d numbed me with some gel first and that made it easier.

The best part was the drilling- I was sure I’d be screaming in pain but the cavities weren’t close to the nerves. The drill was very cold and that was kind of soothing? Also yeah, they were digging out my cavities which have been bothering me a lot so it was a relief.

It’s almost been two hours and my lips and cheeks are still numb. My tongue is getting better but it still kind of tingly.

Now I’m waiting for my mom to get back to me.

Yes, you have indeed described the usual filing procedure. The original needle is the worst part. The drilling is okay for me as well as long as it doesn't go on for too long. I have trouble with the high pitch sound impacting my ears.

But the pain really isn't bad after the pain meds wear off either. You are correct - you have been dealing with the tooth pain for a long time. This is going to be a massive improvement.

And I made the french toast waffles tonight. They were good and pretty easy. Not the healthiest thing in the world but nice and soft.

I hope tomorrow goes well for you too. @integrityblues

I’m glad you made the French toast waffles. I’m going to try it out this weekend if my aunt cancels on me because of more rain.

I’m currently trying to stop worrying the fillings with my tongue. I’m sure it feels so strange because it’s new and different, but I’m also scared to chew and floss. I had an Ensure for dinner.

I’m just worried about my fillings falling out.

They won't fall out unless they put in just temporary fillings. They would only have done that if they did complete root canals on the teeth.

If they are permanent fillings, then you can eat whatever you want. But start with softer foods to make things easier psychologically. Your mouth will start to feel like your own again soon, I promise. @integrityblues

That’s true. I keep making myself fixate on it by forgetting where the fillings were placed exactly, then realizing where one of the visible ones is by looking into a mirror. They don’t hurt. I very cautiously flossed and brushed last night. I decided against getting an electric toothbrush and instead purchased a badly needed new bra. I should have it by Sunday.

By the way, I’m going to have a phone interview for a job soon. I’m just waiting to see if my suggestion for tomorrow afternoon is agreed on.

That is awesome! You really are moving in lots of great directions. @integrityblues

my Interview didn’t go well. I’m not a right fit for the position but they suggested another one for me that will be posted later on.

I know that it is painful when job interviews don't go well. I am sorry.

What was good is that they recognized there was another position that might fit you better. They weren't entirely rejecting you. They were trying to find a spot for you. That means that it is a caring organization and that they value people.

Each time that you do one of these interviews you learn something about yourself. You are going to get much better at them. It just takes a bit of time. You are doing what you need to do to move forward. That is excellent.

But be sure to care for yourself tonight. It is so easy with bad interviews to decide - hey I won't eat either or maybe I will just stew about it for hours. Avoid those traps.@integrityblues

You’re right. I took it a little personally at first but I’ll try again and might do better because of the practice.

I got to do some nice things today. I bought myself new light bulbs for the light above my door and my ceiling fan. I got a lower wattage bulb to see if that would last longer on my ceiling fan since it eats bulbs.

Then after I rested for a bit I got to go to an early dinner with my other aunt and her daughters. Then ywe went shoe shopping (I got some new sneakers and slippers), got some Krispy Kreme donuts, and Baskin Robin

What beautiful ways to care for yourself. I am glad that you got some new shoes, lightbulbs and donuts. It has been so long since I had a nice donut. When you focus on those little things you begin to heal from the bigger stuff.

Each job interview is pointing you in a better direction. Keep up the good work.@integrityblues

I dreamt that I had to attend a family reunion. While there I realized my dad was attending even though he’s dead.

I purposely started bringing up the past with everyone there, explaining how my parents ruined my life with the neglect and the abuse as well as their abuse of each other.

I was called out for airing out my family’s dirty laundry, why couldn’t I just let it be so everyone could have a nice time?

It exploded into a massive family fight against me. I woke up just as I was found in my hiding place trying to recover from injuries I sustained.

Dreams can be really honest. You told the truth about your past. That was a good thing. I hope that it will eventually bring you some peace. @integrityblues

I was procrastinating for a final project that I’ve dreamed about before. It was a paper examining a cartoon I think? I was in the middle of calculating how much time I had left to quickly put it together when I woke up again.

Interesting dream. Do you like to make cartoons?@integrityblues

Hmm, I don’t have the drawing skills for it. I like to watch cartoons and I like analyzing media!

Those are both great hobbies. @integrityblues

Thanks. I really enjoyed my Media Theory class back in community college. Taught me how to do a close reading of images and stuff.

It would be cool to do something like that as a job. @integrityblues