Lost
[+/-] I think I'm done.
[-] Nothing seems to work.
[+] I am living someone else's life.
[-] Never once mine.
[+] Everything is processed by the brain.
[-] None by the heart.
[+] Even this post. The way I write... somehow must rhyme.
[-] Hiaz, Why am I this way.
[+] What did I do wrongly in the first place.
[-] Oh well, forget about it. Who cares.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey twistedsoul. I am going to try another push.
I will disable this listener account for probably another week.
I understand the pros and cons of having these platforms as support, especially when we are down.
Likewise inversely when we help lift others up.
Somehow something feels slightly better, but still partially doesn't feel right.
I know we cant run from hard truths forever and gotta face it one day or another.
I understand it has had been quite a long journey for you and myself, finding souls, meanings, trashing pains, sorrows, sharing tips, aids, support, even motivation or just simple gentle reminders. Though i still fail to remind myself to be gentle at times.
Nevertheless, if it has to end. I don't know what could be of a better solution.
I will try it out and come back and share my thoughts.
If somehow I don't, please do minimumly take care of yourself. - I dont think I am that kind of person.
@mikenai Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry I havent been very good at offering support to you lately. Tbh - most days I don't come in here as often as I used to. Which is a weak excuse on my part.
Do you think the listener training helped you to come to this decision? Idk - I mean did it help you understand things? You're right though. You do what works best for you.
I'm glad I got the chance to know you and I'm glad to call you friend. I hope you'll take care of yourself amd I hope you find a way to make peace with life and find happiness. You deserve it Mike
I wish you the best - go kick some butt :)
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry I havent been very good at offering support to you lately. Tbh - most days I don't come in here as often as I used to. Which is a weak excuse on my part.
Don't mention.
Hey no obligations, no expectations from each other.
Don't shoulder it as a burden or mandatory requirement to support me. - Although honestly, sometimes in my mind heart and soul certainly hoped for the inverse. As in like... a companion to just talk things out irregardless of outcome.
Please don't apologise, nor see it as like you have to. Otherwise it just only strains both parties mentality of supporting each other. - Everyone has their good/bad days.
Do you think the listener training helped you to come to this decision? Idk - I mean did it help you understand things? You're right though. You do what works best for you.
Actually I havent tried. Somehow I cant push myself mentally for it. Maybe I shall give it abit more time and see if i can step up and step in in future.
Things kinda messy in my head. So I thought of laying down the member account. Which... felt awkwardly lighter. Despite missing it. Despite missing on the companionship. But I'm still obssessing over checking of notifications, but the listener account is too fresh and there is nothing there.
I'm glad I got the chance to know you and I'm glad to call you friend. I hope you'll take care of yourself amd I hope you find a way to make peace with life and find happiness. You deserve it Mike
Thank you twistedsoul. Thanks one more time, for recongising me as a friend. In real life, I dont even have any left. (very disrespectful of me) Sometimes I even wonder if I should even call my parents as family, closed ones, parents)
I will try to, even to be first of all mindful, although of late i have been even way worse in treating self. But the usual, no gurantees.
I too wish I find my path. But... nvm... guessing you know what I will write.
You too deserve likewise, not only me. Don't forget about yourself.
I wish you the best - go kick some butt :)
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you again Jordan. Yes. I will try. You too please don't shoulder too much. I know its easy to type not easy to remember nor act. But least start off mindfully aware and slowly act on.
I'm done.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Jordan.
I know it is kind of overdue, that I mentioned to be back. Or may not be back anymore.
Learnt stuffs, Felt stuffs, even anxiety, overcoming the "lack" of something, missing out of notification checking.
Honestly though, there are moments i felt lighter, yet there are moments where i felt like i need to just blast text out, or perhaps just linger, chat, <anything> with a community.
I wonder of which will be a better idea or solution.
Actually, before I should determine a solution or point that as a fault. Rather I think there should be a balance of everything.
It is ok to be around sometimes, and let go of sometimes. Don't have to be over engrossed, over perfect. Otherwise it is either burnout, or complusive, or pointless routines.
Nevertheless I will leave my accounts open. And see how I can progress further, hopefully to strengthen my mind for a better self one day.
That is if I can.
PS : I hope you have been doing well. If so, great! If there have been low/sad days. It is ok too. Don't press yourself too hard. Ok?
@mikenai Hey Mike! It's really good to see you! :)
There was no real set time limit - you needed to do what you needed to do - yeah? I'm glad to hear that there wa some fairly good things that you discovered. I think you're right about finding a balance of things. That it's ok to come here and chat with people - to blast that text out and talk with people - but at the same time taking that step back when you need to - to have quiet time for yourself and to maybe pursue other things. Like you said - it's ok to be around sometimes and to let go other times. The thing to try to remember - and as I'm sure you've noticed - Cups will be here. The people will be here - If you take a day off or a week. There will allways be someone here
It occured to me the other day - that you and I have been talking to each other for over a year - can you believe it? It kind of surprised me tbh - because it doesn't feel that long. And I thought - well - that maybe it's time I'm alittle more open with you - I hope that's ok - if not please disregard this - ok? No harm done and I won't think any less of you
First I thought perhaps my name - I'm sure you noticed that I refer to myself as J - there's only one other person that knows my real name here so let me blast it publically - lol. Not that it really matters I suppose. My given name is Jesse - which I'm not crazy about - so I go by J. Allthough Jordon is a much nicer name in my opinion. I'm sure you've also noticed there are posts with the name Logan at the end of them. Logan is an alter of mine. I have DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder. Years ago I guess they called it multiple personality disorder. We are a system of 12 - different personalities - different people. With different tastes in everything - different ways of talking - different ways of doing things. We have different memories. They actually hold most of the childhood memories there are. It comes from severe child abuse and neglect - they formed as a way to survive the trauma. Now please know - I'm not telling you this to look for sympathy or pity or anything. I just thought it was time to tell you some of my story because it seemed right to do so. I'm kind of secretive about it because - well I've been asked so really stupid questions about it because of the movies they have out there. I'm not violent - not to other people - allthough I do SH at times. I often feel alittle like a freak because of it or I concider myself a monster - because I know it's not normal. Most people have one set person they are - not a bunch of different ones. So - well - since I concider you a friend I wanted to share this with you. I understand though if it makes you take a step back and I alos understand if it's something you need to think about. I hope though that maybe - you'll take a moment to maybe look into it alittle before you make any quick decisions. I'm still basically the same guy you've talked to. But It's entirely up to you - ok? No pressure - no obligations. It's alot to take in and understand - believe me I know lol - so - it's up to you. I'm also open to any questions you might have too - ok?
I hope you're still trying to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. It is really is good to see you again MIke :)
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike! It's really good to see you! :)
Well, Hello there. Nice to hear respond from you again.
There was no real set time limit - you needed to do what you needed to do - yeah? I'm glad to hear that there wa some fairly good things that you discovered. I think you're right about finding a balance of things. That it's ok to come here and chat with people - to blast that text out and talk with people - but at the same time taking that step back when you need to - to have quiet time for yourself and to maybe pursue other things. Like you said - it's ok to be around sometimes and to let go other times. The thing to try to remember - and as I'm sure you've noticed - Cups will be here. The people will be here - If you take a day off or a week. There will allways be someone here
You know something that I have been telling my counsellor only - Not to anyone else. Is that I can somehow only, reflect such thoughts, when I type. I cant really act nor think rationally when I am alone with myself. Its like as if the mind and the words I type out are so different in souls. Whether or not i learnt or discovered useful stuffs or even if no progress or not, I think for now, I can only treat it as a different experience. Sometimes I had this feeling of maybe its for the "best/better" like you mentioned that 7Cups will always be here. I never once thought of that. Well, actually I might even want to go on/off break. Or even more "self-fish" mentality, to take a longer or a on/off break. Of course I think the best is still if i can manage myself to come in if i truly want to. Not because of complusive actions kind of style.
It occured to me the other day - that you and I have been talking to each other for over a year - can you believe it? It kind of surprised me tbh - because it doesn't feel that long. And I thought - well - that maybe it's time I'm alittle more open with you - I hope that's ok - if not please disregard this - ok? No harm done and I won't think any less of you
Well, yea. It had been, or longer? The choice of being more open, relaxed or not, the choice is yours. There aint a need to share everything. Everyone's had their comfort level. Plus the internet's a scary place.
Harm or not done, well, sometimes it just happened (like the mentality accident with wise one - well i cant recover that relationship anymore), sometimes it teaches lessons, somtimes sadly oneself has just to hold back. Just like the way I have been "living". this restrictive or "egoistic/stubborn" mentality which is only causing hurt.
First I thought perhaps my name - I'm sure you noticed that I refer to myself as J - there's only one other person that knows my real name here so let me blast it publically - lol. Not that it really matters I suppose. My given name is Jesse - which I'm not crazy about - so I go by J. Allthough Jordon is a much nicer name in my opinion. I'm sure you've also noticed there are posts with the name Logan at the end of them.
First of all - Opps!!! I sincerely apologise. I must have mistaken it. Or like you mentioned otherwise.
But i have to be honest that i dont feel comfortable at times addressing yourself in that manner. Felt abit disrespectful. Many times I tell myself to use your ID instead to be courteous, but yet sometimes I felt that there is a need to pull in some strength to the message by writing more relative by "closer". So that one feels more comfortable. But its just my thought. Perhaps my original mentality of using ID perhaps still resonate better.
<Portion of post removed>
You know, being able to see that, feel that, type that, explain that in that clarity. I just got this feeling that you are strong in understanding yourself much more better. Nah, dont worry about pity or what not. Everyone, including myself, we have each our traits, strengths, and weakness-es. Whether to tell yourself, tell others, reveal to the world or just to some, or even confine to yourself only. It is ok. I kept having this feeling that minimally is that you are sensibily aware of it, which is more of importance. I know things happens sometimes, be it mindfully, or not, its hard to control at times. Normal? Nah, what is normal? There ain't a guideline for it. You can set it yourself, put yourself to either to extremes, self-judgement, or allow others to set it. Its either your'e living your life, or living other's life. What's the comparision for?
So - well - since I concider you a friend I wanted to share this with you. I understand though if it makes you take a step back and I alos understand if it's something you need to think about. I hope though that maybe - you'll take a moment to maybe look into it alittle before you make any quick decisions. I'm still basically the same guy you've talked to. But It's entirely up to you - ok? No pressure - no obligations. It's alot to take in and understand - believe me I know lol - so - it's up to you. I'm also open to any questions you might have too - ok?
I appreciate that you chose to share with me. I wonder how it felt when you chose to share. Lighter? Much relaxed? or even Tensed?
Decision to? For me, i think is more of understanding much more better. You mean, that because of something I have to stand or judge or act or communicate differently? Nah... Unless we are talking about things that may inflict damage, hurt, or what not. Otherwise I dont feel there is a need to set expectations or rules or even to worse "pity". Perhaps some sort of consolement but not the because "i said this", so "i expect this treatment" from now on. (Well it depends on situation also i guess sometimes. So gotta I tread the waters carefully before i hurt anyone including yourself/myself)
I hope you're still trying to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. It is really is good to see you again MIke :)
Hmm reflecting back now, I havent been "gentle".
Nevertheless, still stuffs happened and sucky still.
But yea, great to still see you around twistedsoul.
@mikenai Hey Mike - I think - Idk maybe this sounds weird. But coming on here and talking with people helps keep me connected - when I'm alone my thoughts tend to scatter and it's allmost as if they look for things I can either obsess on or they go looking for trouble. And it only take just tiny piece for them to get out of control and I start to either get anxious or depressed.in some ways being on here helps keep me plugged in. Just typing this now - I can actually feel myself start to calm down alittle - the edge of anxiety is dulling down some.
No need to apologize - I just thought it was a good idea. You have to do what you're comfortable with as well. But should you change you're mind - you can just call me J - ok? I see nothing disrespectful about it - There's actually a few people here that call me that
Lol - that made me smile - what is normal? And you're right there isn't any guideline for it. It is - I guess what we make of it. You're right - there's nothing for comaprison - we all have our own lives and they are what they are - what ever they are. Noone better or worse - we just - are
Tbh - I was alittle nervous to tell you - but now I must admit - it did leave me with a lighter feeling. Idk - maybe it's not so much the acceptance of others but the acceptance of ourselves - I don't think I'm there yet. Maybe one day
I'm sorry to hear you haven't been gentle but I also know how it is. Getting stuck in things - thoughts and routines
So you're seeing a counselor again? It's really great if you are :)
Take care Mike
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I think - Idk maybe this sounds weird. But coming on here and talking with people helps keep me connected - when I'm alone my thoughts tend to scatter and it's allmost as if they look for things I can either obsess on or they go looking for trouble. And it only take just tiny piece for them to get out of control and I start to either get anxious or depressed.in some ways being on here helps keep me plugged in. Just typing this now - I can actually feel myself start to calm down alittle - the edge of anxiety is dulling down some.
Hello.
Exactly like you described. There are moments, where I felt much more connected to my reality/true self that I am not letting out of. Which I kind of told my counselor. "The Keyboard vs The Mind"
Its like both are of different mentalities and souls.
Somehow I rationalise much better when i type things out.
Hey, Wow. If the moments here do help you. Even if it just a little bit, or sometimes it just doesnt work. Most importantly dont blame yourself for it. But more importantly keep in mind <i.e. mindfully aware>, try to chime in to look for any support whenever you need it. However, if it gets out of control sometimes, it is ok too.
No need to apologize - I just thought it was a good idea. You have to do what you're comfortable with as well. But should you change you're mind - you can just call me J - ok? I see nothing disrespectful about it - There's actually a few people here that call me that
Okays. I appreciate that your thoughtfulness. Just have to be respectful sometimes. Cause not everyone is ok with it.
Lol - that made me smile - what is normal? And you're right there isn't any guideline for it. It is - I guess what we make of it. You're right - there's nothing for comaprison - we all have our own lives and they are what they are - what ever they are. Noone better or worse - we just - are
My counselor questioned me that.
To be honest, I never thought about it before.
I noticed I kept jumping to conclusions everytime. Its like, it must be done this way, oh the internet is right cause the article/media/people said so. Whatever the rest of the people i.e. profressionals, in real, etc. think twice, etc... i don't know how i reached to this kind of conclusion.
Tbh - I was alittle nervous to tell you - but now I must admit - it did leave me with a lighter feeling. Idk - maybe it's not so much the acceptance of others but the acceptance of ourselves - I don't think I'm there yet. Maybe one day
Sometimes, I mean it, Sometimes. Letting it go, helps.
However Sometimes, it backfires. But looked like it paid off. Than holding it. i.e. Grudges.
Well, you recongised that, it is of a acceptance of yourself. I never thought of that. But actually yup. It's more to that, than seeking the inverse or expecting likewise.
Take your time twistedsoul. Even if you dont ever reach there in the end of whatever. It is ok. Sometimes, somethings meant to be in a certain way. Or perhaps who knows, you might even move on, and be a better self in another context.
I'm sorry to hear you haven't been gentle but I also know how it is. Getting stuck in things - thoughts and routines
So you're seeing a counselor again? It's really great if you are :)
Take care Mike
Aye, it kinda sucky though. Doubt i can explain much.
Counselor yes, professsional no.
Yup, you too twistedsoul.
PS : Read about your difficulties in another thread. I don't really know how to react. I understand its not mandatory to reply, but i am of concerned about your wellness. I hope that things even out soon for you.
@mikenai Hey Mike How are you?
It's hard with all the things you see on the internet - sort of like reviews they have for products. 98% of the people think it was great - but that 2% says other wise. But then you look harder and find a place where it's at 100% but then I wonder if they just weeded out the bad reviews. So then you do more research and it just goes on and on. Change the phrasing of the questions - getting different results each time. It took me allmost a year to decide on the laptop I have now
I think alot of people have trouble with - unkind thoughts of themselves. Questioning our intelligence - our motives - even whether we're good people or not. I know sometimes I wonder if maybe I was born under a bad sign or just cursed. Which sound dramatic I suppose but I can't help but wonder
I hope that things are going well with you counselor - I have noticed you seem - IDk - I don't want to say different - just that you've grown in some ways - good ways of course - so I mean no offense
You don't really need to react - and while I appreciate your concern - you're right it isn't mandatory to reply. And I do have a warning on there that there are times I may not reply back. Sometimes I just write out things that are in my head - or I've found posting memes actually helps with the anxiety sometimes - it helps to focus on outside things but they often fit in with how I may be feeling. Sometimes it's just for fun - I have learned to enjoy those fun moments - they're actually needed - theraputic even - to laugh and goof around. I do therapy and see doctors who have understanding of what I'm dealing with - which is helpful - it has been hard though because of the virus situation here because most appointments are done through telemeetings. Hopefully soon things will get back closer to normal and I can start to see all these people in person again. In many ways - things are better then they were at the very beginning - I'm told it takes time. Thank you for your concern
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike How are you?
Hi. Got to be honest. Its tough. Please dont be apologetic or anything. Somehow I chose to be this way or have this mentality thoughts. Perhaps the situation dampens things more.
The usual. Not sure where to move on next. Fatigue. Sore. Cramp. Whatever. Fighting mental war with all the thoughts, decisions, to-dos, troubleshooting, thinking, etc. Work, Money, Computer, Games, Habits, Hobbies, Rules, Timing, Sleep, Stomach, Exercise, Calories, etc.
Its like everything felt pointless.
Oh yea, went back to the gastro specialist. Another doctor this time. However he reviewed my case notes (past years) and commented only one thing without any examination or sorts. - Please see your psychiatrist. It is likely more related than anything else. Although they are willing to offer any sort of scans/endoscopy.
This is just sad. Another money down the drain.
It's hard with all the things you see on the internet - sort of like reviews they have for products. 98% of the people think it was great - but that 2% says other wise. But then you look harder and find a place where it's at 100% but then I wonder if they just weeded out the bad reviews. So then you do more research and it just goes on and on. Change the phrasing of the questions - getting different results each time. It took me allmost a year to decide on the laptop I have now
Indeed. Its like there are always 2 sides of a coin kind of views. My brother and many commented also that usually, good reviews are not "online", because people usually are satisfied after purchase, only those whom "suffered" or had bad encounters who want to "trash/tarnish/revenge/compensation" whatever reason will start trashing review or whatever... (Exception aside for those who are paid/renumerated to review, etc.)
Looked like you had your tough time too. But then I'm glad you ironed it out.
Me.. well... some of them did not even conclude. Sad.
I think alot of people have trouble with - unkind thoughts of themselves. Questioning our intelligence - our motives - even whether we're good people or not. I know sometimes I wonder if maybe I was born under a bad sign or just cursed. Which sound dramatic I suppose but I can't help but wonder
Red - No Comments. But I will share, I am questioning that to myself every single moment.
But something I been thinking, is it ok to have such thoughts. I mean like, everyone is different. Everyone thinks differently, its ok also to have or don't have those thoughts. How one manage or process or dwell further or let it control oneself is more important? Duno... blurping my mind out...
I hope that things are going well with you counselor - I have noticed you seem - IDk - I don't want to say different - just that you've grown in some ways - good ways of course - so I mean no offense
Counsellor - Hiaz the contactability has been poor and poorer. I guess everyone is suffering or having their troubles with current status.
I will only comment that because of the past few chats with some, I started noticing weird trends when I am more "awake", and especially when I am with the keyboard. (Not my mind and physical actions)
However my counsellor did mentioned something though, its not a spilt personality or anything, its still "your" mind end of the day, you are allowing/disallowing yourself to act/think/move/restrict in a certain manner.
You don't really need to react - and while I appreciate your concern - you're right it isn't mandatory to reply. And I do have a warning on there that there are times I may not reply back. Sometimes I just write out things that are in my head - or I've found posting memes actually helps with the anxiety sometimes - it helps to focus on outside things but they often fit in with how I may be feeling. Sometimes it's just for fun - I have learned to enjoy those fun moments - they're actually needed - theraputic even - to laugh and goof around. I do therapy and see doctors who have understanding of what I'm dealing with - which is helpful - it has been hard though because of the virus situation here because most appointments are done through telemeetings. Hopefully soon things will get back closer to normal and I can start to see all these people in person again. In many ways - things are better then they were at the very beginning - I'm told it takes time. Thank you for your concern
I see you found a good way to aid and support yourself whenever trouble or situations weigh you down. I am happy for you. Try your best to lift yourself up, and put a little energy to those that somehow aids you (YOU - I mean, not others. Or at least to say you first, then others) Everyone has their mechanisms, and will need time to find them or may never. Sometimes some things work for one for a certain amount of time, then it dies off, and move on to another. (I hope you do not take it as me cursing or bashing you...) Just sharing that sometimes, the "energy" just wears off and perhaps need to seek another for fresh start of something new. - Then the cycle repeats.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
Yes, Will try. - Although I havent been in utmost honesty.
Take care twistedsoul.
@mytwistedsoul
thought I let you know again that I will be coming on and off on 7cups.
I dont feel mentally secure, since I checked back in.
Hopefully you dont get me wrong, its not I dont like to visit and chat around, help around or even just be around.
Just that my relation with managing media aint well, and somehow its hurting.
Meanwhile, please do take care of yourself, I read alittle on your thread. And I noted on some difficulties that you are facing now. I know it hurts, but in any situation, do stay alert and strong. Both mentally and physically.
@mikenai Ok Mike - thank you for the heads up. It was nice of you to let me know
I'm sorry for what you read on my thread. It's - well it's pointless to even try to explain. I hope that it didn't contribute to what you're feeling now - if it did I am truely and deeply sorry
Please take good care of yourself - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
J
@mytwistedsoul
Ok Mike - thank you for the heads up. It was nice of you to let me know
Just in case if you're wondering if I dont respond for a while or something.
Although I may just linger around to read. - Despite trying not to.
I'm sorry for what you read on my thread. It's - well it's pointless to even try to explain. I hope that it didn't contribute to what you're feeling now - if it did I am truely and deeply sorry
Don't be sorry, it is an open (member) thread to read. Don't hold yourself accountable on other's reaction, they chosen on their actions, unless it is something trigger/damaging or whatever that instructs others in a <inhumane> manner, then i think it might be something worth re-thinking about one's action - I feel at least... but then, the world is too open now, anything under the sun can just happen.
Nah, it was't your thread. Its just like I've explained, wished i can manage myself better in a healthy manner. Or at least think in a healthier manner.
Don't dwell or spoil or ruin your day because of what I have just shared about myself.
Care for yourself first.
Please take good care of yourself - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
J
Will try, I hope at least.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey twistedsoul. I wanted to leave a message behind or kinda like report in.
I know I have been away for awhile. Can't seem to help it.
Its like sometimes it feels better, yet sometimes it does not.
I still cant tell which is of the better which.
Sadly, the past few days have not been pleasant for me. Things never felt better at all or may perhaps downward spiraled or drilled down further.
As usual, don't worry, if i really gona leave the platform, I will still come in to share my regards without leaving you afloat.
More importantly, or regardless, should I forget, be it intentional (I apologise first -.-) or un-intentional, I feel that you could consider placing a much higher priority in self first. i.e. Ensuring necessary care for self, Being gentle with thoughts, etc.
(Wow... I cant believe I managed to write that. Guess what throughout my last post till now, I never even once recalled about it. Kinda failed you.)
Nevertheless, I hope for your better well-being and safety. Take Care.
@mikenai Hey Mike :) Its nice to see you. It's ok to stay away for awhile - I do too lately. It's hard to know which is right and which is wrong. I guess just play it as it comes. It's nice to have people to talk to sometimes but then sometimes you might not feel like talking to anyone.
I'm sorry to hear the past few days have been unpleasant for you. Is it just a general thing or is something going on? No pressure to say of course - just wondering
I'm hoping that one day things will be better for the both of us and we'll find that peace and contentment we're looking for
Thank you for checking in - it was nice to see you :)
Youve been in my thoughts -
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike :) Its nice to see you. It's ok to stay away for awhile - I do too lately. It's hard to know which is right and which is wrong. I guess just play it as it comes. It's nice to have people to talk to sometimes but then sometimes you might not feel like talking to anyone.
I just don't want or dont like to keep the mentality of like trying to misuse of the community as a "tool". But rather instead to treat community as a living social human beings.
Yet sometimes when mind/things are not well, unfortunately I have to keep it that way.
I'm sorry to hear the past few days have been unpleasant for you. Is it just a general thing or is something going on? No pressure to say of course - just wondering
Generally health in physical, especially energy and digestion. Mentally, will be the usual struggles, lifestyle, what to do, money, find or dont find work, questions/troubleshooting, decisions, etc.
I'm hoping that one day things will be better for the both of us and we'll find that peace and contentment we're looking for
I always hoped for it. One day. One day.
Actually, if not maybe, we might actually be already at that stage. Just that the perspective needs abit of re-wiring or overwriting.
Thank you for checking in - it was nice to see you :)
Youve been in my thoughts -
Be gentle with yourself
Don't mention, just in case only. Remember to give yourself a break once a while.
Gonna leave a message here. No intention, No rationale, Just write.
---------
I apologise.
Not only to you, parents, closed ones, friends, colleagues, but everyone whom aided me in physical or virtual.
Earlier in the day, or at least wee hours for me, I realised after all these times of suffering, fighting, struggling, etc. I noticed there was no goal set nor achieved. Worse of all, after all these times, what did I gain out of this life? Nothing.
All I see perhaps was full of losses, possessions, physical, mental, social, money, work, state of health, trust, lifestyle, etc.
You (Anyone) may think I over exaggerated or narrowly blind minded. But it seemed to be clear. I don't really know what to say further.
Its just sad.
PS : I noticed, its about a year soon since the one of the saddest hit moment of my life. - Yet I never learn, nor change.
@mikenai I think alot of the times we focus only on what we lost or spent or where we failed. But I've seen the good things you've done too - the job interveiw - the trip you took - the time spent at doctors trying to make them hear you and understand and while things may not have gone the way you wanted or planned they were still attempts - attempts at living life and moving forward. I hope maybe you can take a moment to feel good about the things you attempted - but I also understand how hard it is too - you've been in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself Mike
@mytwistedsoul
I think alot of the times we focus only on what we lost or spent or where we failed. But I've seen the good things you've done too - the job interveiw - the trip you took - the time spent at doctors trying to make them hear you and understand and while things may not have gone the way you wanted or planned they were still attempts - attempts at living life and moving forward. I hope maybe you can take a moment to feel good about the things you attempted - but I also understand how hard it is too - you've been in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself Mike
Perhaps I could be blinded by too much hurt, guilt and regret.
Sometimes I even feel that I should not have done "those" that you've highlighted. Because it does not resonate with what I want nor desired. - Although in reality might sound logically correct or the right thing to do.
I don't really know. To me its just like a wrong feeling.
I appreciate your understanding of the difficulties. I know it ain't easy to push be it right or wrong, what's good what's bad.
To me all it feels is hurt. - Actually I kinda went back to the "original" psychiatrist appointment. But only on certain conditions of mine. However it did not turn out well. It just purely sucks.
Thanks for looking out twistedsoul. Take care.
@mikenai Hey Mike - Just thought I'd stop in and let you know that you've been in my thought. I know I haven't been around much - just find it easier to keep to myself most days
I do hope things are - hopefully going ok for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - Just thought I'd stop in and let you know that you've been in my thought. I know I haven't been around much - just find it easier to keep to myself most days
Well hello there twistedsoul. Sure has been a while.
Its ok, don't forget to take care of yourself - First, Others later.
Likewise, I havent been feeling great mentally and physically. + Sleep is hiaz.
I have been loging in and out. Refraining from 7cups and stuffs. But then to be honest, I still cant tell which is better.
To strive a balance, total refrain, total mindfulness in 7cups or whatever...
I do hope things are - hopefully going ok for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you for checking on me. Otherwise things would have been. Quiet.
@mikenai Hey Mike :) I'm sorry to hear things aren't going to well. Everything is connected - the mental with the physical and then sleep. It doesn't really help knowing that though. I guess the workouts aren't so good right now. How have things been with your stomach?
I kind of do the same thing here tbh. I sort of come and go here. Most times I just read posts here and there without talking to anyone. Sometimes I want to but just don't have anything to say. Sometimes I just feel better keeping to myself. I just do day by day
You're welcome Mike. I know I may not check in much but you are in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike :) I'm sorry to hear things aren't going to well. Everything is connected - the mental with the physical and then sleep. It doesn't really help knowing that though. I guess the workouts aren't so good right now. How have things been with your stomach?
Dont be sorry twistedsoul. Like I mentioned, many if not all of the stuffs are stirred by myself. As if I "sought" for them.
Not per se not helpful to knowing. Actually you know, some sort of concencious or awareness is great sometimes. Its always the first step towards reconginition.
Duno the workouts are just crazy, good days bad days, but good days can result in a bad aftermath day.
Stomach? Never once improved. It hasn't really been showing any positivity to me once - ever.
My sense of appetite is getting weird, only solid tough/hardened food. Mostly sweet potato for now, microwaved till it hardens. But its very costly and time consuming in preparation here. Plus I kept picking the ones that are rotten.
I kind of do the same thing here tbh. I sort of come and go here. Most times I just read posts here and there without talking to anyone. Sometimes I want to but just don't have anything to say. Sometimes I just feel better keeping to myself. I just do day by day
You do? Okays. I kept having the thought or concensious that like must do something if i'm here. Must reply something, be it favorable, or show some manners like saying "hi", etc.
You're welcome Mike. I know I may not check in much but you are in my thoughts
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Don't worry about it, twistedsoul. I'm just in the endless loop of self-inflicted unnecessary pains. Which can be fixed, yet the mentality doesn't allow or give the opportunity to.
More importantly, my wish and perhaps everyone else's for you I'm sure, is that you do take care of yourself first. - First I mean.
You know, I havent been gentle with myself nor the thoughts. It's just keep sliding off. Sad.
@mikenai Hey Mike :)
It really sucks that there hasn't been anything to help with your stomach. I know you've been fighting with it and the doctors for quite awhile and noone seems to know what the problem is and they don't seem to want to listen to you either.
So your appetite has changed? Weren't you eating mostly soft foods? The breads and stuff? Sweet potatoes are expensive here right now too. They say to avoid ones with bruises and not to refrigerate them because it speeds up the bruises making them rot quicker. You could allways grow your own from the ends of the potatoes you get at the store. They're pretty easy to start. I can send you a how to site link if you'd be interested - no worries if you arent though too. It's allways easier to buy things then grow them. I just like watching things grow though :)
I do it alot actually - sometimes I just either don't have the words to offer someone any comfort or my anxiety tells me my words have no worth and I need to be quiet. A good way for those times it to upvote it - it lets people know that it was read that way. Sometimes people just like to write their thoughts out or vent - they know people read it but they don't really want replies to what they've written. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's the best thing to do tbh - but it's something that - if it stays on your mind or it bothers you that you didn't say something - you can allways go back and reply later
It's really hard to get away from Mike - because sometimes that's just how it is - there are times I second guess myself on my decisions so many times. It's allmost like listening to a recording - and sometimes it's hard to even recognize that we're doing it. Do you think when you get into those patterns - would it help to maybe write it down? Either on paper or evn here somewhere? That way you would have something more tangible to see - That maybe physically seeing it would make it easier to recognize? Idk - maybe that doesn't make sense
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts -
@mytwistedsoul
Hi twistedsoul. I am going to apologise first. My mind can't seem to be at peace. Hence I decided, be it mindful or not, to call it again. But this time I will try or learn to mentally block myself out of 7cups. To get away from this weird addiction and complusive checks and loafing around doing nothing.
I know the chances of it not working out. But I gotta try. I doubt I will check back for responses after this post. So, meanwhile please take care, and try to be as mindfully present as possible. Likewise whether I will return or not. Rest assured. I should/will when I feel better.
I understand that you have your own troubles and have been catching up to you lately too. The struggle will be difficult, and worst is that I can't really offer anything, so I can only hope that you stay safe and sound to the best you can will do. Like you always suggested, to be gentle with oneself. Take Care.
@mikenai Thank you for letting me know Mike. I understand where you're coming from. There are times when this place does seem rather addictive. Maybe it's the lure of hoping to find someone to listen to us. Or maybe we hope that out of all the people here, maybe someone will have an idea we haven't tried yet.
I wish you the best of luck and thank you for reminding me to be gentle as well.
Take care of yourself Mike.
@mytwistedsoul
Hello twistedsoul, I apologise that it took that long for me to come back. Or should I say report back.
Kind of mental block of restricting myself to come in. I don't really know why. Perhaps to stop myself from complusive actions and also repeatively checking for updates.
Though I must say that it certainly helped in terms of complusive actions, but then for myself, I havent been able to voice out my pains and thoughts for a long while.
I dont know how I will move on from here. Anyways, to share abit of updates, things havent been well nor improving. I wont go to details, cause it hurts to share, and worse off damaging both mental and physical health of any kind souls.
Last before I logout, should I return again or not. I hope you do take priority to care of yourself, be it in which ever caring options within abilities. Nevertheless, thank you one again for the times spent in sharing, helping, listening, etc, to me whenever I needed that aid.
@mikenai Hey Mike :) It's really good to see you again! Tbh - the day you wrote - you were in my thoughts and I was wondering how you were doing. There were times I thought about writing here just to say hey but I didn't know if it was a help or a hinderance for you
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't any better or improved in anyway. Maybe it's ok for you to come back when ever you feel like it - and it's ok to share - it's allways ok to share Mike. Sometimes even if it's just to vent out things. I think in some ways it's better to get things off your chest and sometimes writing them down helps to get it out of your head. Or to see them writen gives them a different perspective
You're welcome Mike - thank you too for all the times we talked - I'm allways around somewhere - anytime you need to talk or just want to touch base - just tag me :) Sometimes it might take me alittle to reply but I allways will
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey. It never crossed my mind. I appreciate your thoughtful gesture for me.
I only kept thinking that I held back too much. And I should not keep holding on longer. So I thought I should just break it and just reply something. Anything.
Likewise, I can comprehen the difficulty of judging when is the appropriate moment of writing, without hurting the affected party accidentally. Its ok. Don't hurt yourself mentally becuase of it. Like how you decided to write back, when you're ready and ok to share. Everyone of us have our own good and bad days. Its very difficult to judge.
Although sometimes I wish for a platform that can solve anything/everything immediately, I'll totally want it. But then, this is life. This is real. I guess no such thing exist.
Thank you twistedsoul. I didn't catch up any other posts much, hopefully that you have been well and ok. I know typing is easy and out of courtesy, but things aint as easy as it seems. So regardless of whatever that had/has/will happen, I hope you can stay as strong as you can.
I'll probably be off for a while.
@mikenai I think alot of times there's alot of fear of sharing - what we're going through - what are thoughts are because in some way or another we're worried about what other people may think of us. Maybe someone said something along of the lines of hearing this before or maybe that you're allways saying the same things - which is thoughtless on their part if they did. Not talking or sharing things doesn't make it go away - it just lets it fester and build up. It steals away any hope and makes you feel worthless - at least it does with me. Allthough somestimes the anxiety tells me that noone wants to keep hearing the same thing - but Idk - sometimes it helps you see something different or maybe it shines a better light on it
I agree - I wish there was something to solve and fix things immediatly too - like just give the input and it gives you a three step solution - unfortunately there isn't. People can give suggestions for things to try or give us a different perspective but then we need to do the work and it's usually something that we need to work at for along time. There are people who are in therapy for years and still haven't worked through all their troubles. And while the amount of time and money we have to put into that really sucks - I think maybe we have to do it if we want a better fuller life - we just have to accept that there are no easy solutions
You're welcome Mike and thank you too :) Take your time and take care of yourself Mike
@mytwistedsoul
I somewhat agree that it does not make things go away by hiding or keeping to self. It only bottles up, and eventually overflows. Like the state I am in now.
Nevertheless, I'm just exhausted in explaining. Or maybe in short lazy.
Well I dont really know what much to comment, other than seeing how true it is about what you mentioned. I'm stucked with my usual acceptance and action move. I will stop posting for now.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey twistedsoul. Thought I just write in. Since it has been awhile.
Things never really changed, moved on nor improved.
Perhaps its just due to my poor mentality.
Anyways, I dont intent to write anything much. Just doing a short check in.
I hope things are well or at least ok for you.
Take care.
@mikenai Hey Mike - I'm sorry it's been so long. You've been in my thoughts and there's been so many times I've wanted to write you but then time gets away from me. Idk - I'm not on here much. Just enough to cause trouble I guess. I hope things are maybe alittle better for you but I also understand if they aren't. Sometimes - Idk - I guess it is what it is. We can try to make it better but I'm not sure how tbh
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts - take care ok?