Lost

@mytwistedsoul

I suppose it's now Monday evening where you are and you've had work today. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to get back to you sooner to wish you luck.

It is monday evening now 7pm. Not bad, you can calculate time well.

It is ok. Don't worry about not being able to reply in time.

How was it? I'm sorry that they're making you return to work, especially if you aren't feeling ready and up to it.

It sucks. Please dont be sorry. We/You/Me can only control so much.

The anxiety, worry, fear, is exactly (100%) the same as returning to Army. I don't know why the fear is tremendously strong. I kept telling my mum about locking the house windows, in case I really give in and just exit the window without thoughts. Although I kept fearing the fall.

It's hard to let things go and take a break. If you would decide not to post back for a day or two - don't worry or think you'd be letting anyone down. I know that's sometimes a concern of mine.

Hiaz. I wish I could really put it down. Somehow I can't.

Private doctors are expensive. I can't help but think thought that in light of the current situation, it might be something to at least think about. At least then maybe they would work harder to get to the root of the problem.

Well, each has their pros, yet have their cons to take. - I always hate this

My worst nightmare, is not being able to accept a solution with cons.

I wonder when will i be able to balance and come to peace.

Idk - it's really puzzling with the food. Has that happened alot before? That you want to eat something and then when you take a bite it makes you sick? I've had something similar at times if I cook something. I'll be hungry but then if I cook something the smell makes me feel sick.

Depends on when you are referring to the "before"

All i can say now is that, i dont know when which food makes me sick. I hate the randomness. Just the other day, I dont know what happened. I was craving for a particular food. I made it, and first two bites, I told myself I should stop immediately. Otherwise I am going to seriously vomit. Luckily I had another food which i made. That I managed to tide over. Imagine if this happened at work, i duno how to manage. I doubt I have much options when outside.

Maybe try a compromise and try warm showers. That way they're neither cold or hot. Just to see if it would be any help.

Yea, i have recently tried to "cheat" myself to warm showers. Although I felt very very guilty.

Yet I don't really know who i am answering to of the need to have cold showers.

It does take time to learn things. I've been thinking alot about positive reinforcement. I had someone tell me that being around the right people can help me look at myself in a better light. That it can help my brain rewire it's self to see myself more positive. But I don't know.

It certainly do. This is bit of a "issue" in my perspective. Although if you have very strong discipline, then maybe dont have to "depend" on others. You can self train your mentality to be more sharp and focused on the light.

But then, I believe probably it will be challenging. Myself at least, cause I see how challenging it has been. And yes, that the enviroment does help too, because it really livens up the mood, spirit, mentality of one.

I hope for you too - that one day things will be better. It's ok, I haven't really given that a thought. You just need to focus on you.

<Sorry. I don't know what to comment for this. Though I truly wish one day.>

I hope your day wasn't too bad and your return from work did upset things too much.

Take care Be gentle with yourself.

Its just pure pain, stress and dizziness.

Thank you twistedsoul for being here.

@mytwistedsoul

My job. It's over. Something in my mind is not registering nor accepting it well.

My first career. I never expected it to start and end this way.

You must be feeling pretty trapped at the moment. I'm glad you didn't try to go out any windows.

I am, and thank you.

Today is/was your second day back. How did it go?

No comments. The above is clear enough. Yet I am in a numbing state to really feel and express.

it must be very frustrating not know when that's going to come up and whats going to trigger it. Is it maybe that you're too hungry, that may be that causing the feeling of going to vomit? What happens after it passes? Do you get hunger pangs shortly afterwards? Is there something maybe about the taste or texture? Do you put the food back and then try it later on? Sorry - me and all my questions. I hope it doesn't happen for you at work. Do you think maybe it could be caused by anxiety?

1. Yes, Possibility is there. I read about it of the possible causes of reguritation.

2. It takes time to pass actually. And usually not like 10 or 15 mins, can be as long as hour or two. Sometimes I need to "disturb" myself by using paracetomol or gastric spasm medication just to numb or blunt my way through.

3. Hunger Pangs, it depends and worse off its random situations. There are times where balanced meals can still be hungry later. There are times where it is just a small meal, or just a little cup of oats. And i can be... "numb" or nothing for good few hours.

4. I duno about the taste/texture thing. Parents, Colleagues, Bosses told me to try adding more taste than just using nut butters... which i craved though. I even craved for chewy, bready stuffs. Yet sometimes I want doughy or mushy stuffs. hiaz. i duno what is going on exactly.

5. Anxiety. I duno. Possible. Fear? Stubborness? Stupidility? Impressing myself? I'm pretty lost.

I imagine with trying to live a healthier - green lifestyle. Maybe that helped start the cold shower routine. I take them every now and again - but that's usually after working outside and being too hot. A cold shower is refreshing but I don't think I'd want to take one every time.

Correct. I believe you have a good motive and rationale for the act of doing something.

Problem with mine is I have no reasons. Its just what the internet, people, others, professionals, recommendations and comments. You "Should", You "Must", great CEOs does this too, minimalist does this, So you should. YouTube/Social Media Said so. So you should be.

So here I am not even having any good backing reasons or beliefs, just do for the sake of it. Its almost like a punishing act of good. Although the feeling is "good" after a cold shower, despite the cold weather at times. Then drink some hot boiling coffee.

But this train of mentality is just bad.

I think you and I need to find this stronger discipline because we know the light is there but we just can't seem to focus on it.

Hiaz. twistedsoul. I'm exhausted. Very.

The stress of all this is making you feel worse. It's just affecting everything for you. I wish I knew how to ease it for you. Something beyond the usual music - meditation - mindfulness things.

TAke care Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.

@mytwistedsoul

Oh man - I am so sorry to hear this. I imagine it's very hard to accept - to wrap your mind around the realities of it. It would make you shut down emotionally - it's alot to take in and process.

I am in total zone-less now. still numbing and not knowing what to do.

It must be very tiring and trying to have to deal with all these stomach and eating issues. Confusing not know what is going on and why one time it's one way but the next time it's something totally different. I think at this point anyone would be feeling pretty lost. It's the not knowing. The not recieving any answers.

It is very tiring and exhaustive. Along with above.

Along with me finding out life.

Along with me finding solutions to issues.

I really wish I knew what to say. Something that would help you. But I'm at a loss. Just know that I'm here for you. So feel free to rant and rave. Say anything you like. Get it off your chest and out of your mind.

I truly wish to say something. But I am seriously numb and not sure what to do or say now.

And I have to make a executive decision as well.

I'm sure you are exhausted. It's ok to feel that way. I know it's just as hard and exhausting to keep fighting everyday. But try not to feel alone. I'm here for you - for support for - whatever.

Try to be gentle with yourself Take care.

Thank you.

@mytwistedsoul

I really wish there was something I could say or do to help you through all this crap. I can only imagine your thoughts right now.

I truly wish I could say (It's ok).

But it is not. Though whatever happened has happened. It is sad yes. I cant get over it.

Still, thank you for still being here at least.

Use this space as an outlet- type, rant, vent. What ever you need. Don't keep it bottled up and let it fester. I mean ultimately it's your choice.
Try to be gentle with yourself.

There is not anything more I can do now.

I know it is a choice to to decide between keeping in heart, and whether to move on or what not.

But as of now, I just feel numb.

@mytwistedsoul

No - I know it's not ok. This is a major set back for you. Everything you were trying to do, all the efforts at changing things. Yes - what ever has happened is done all ready. But it doesn't mean that's the end.

Thank you for reminding. No one not even my brother has reminded me of that.

Man I don't want to say the wrong things. I guess - just know I'm here for you. For what ever. A friend - a supporter. A well wisher. Thinking, wishing, hoping - that things get better. To let you know that you're not entirely alone.

Nevermind even you said the wrong things. I misinterpret messages all the time. Thanks for still being around.

Be gentle with yourself Mike. Just - let's try to take this one day at a time.

I can't. Its kind of painful.

@mytwistedsoul

I don't want you to think I'm unsympathetic when I say that though. But it's not the end. It just feels that way. God - I feel like everything I want to say is going to come out all wrong. If it does - I'm truly sorry.

Nope, never. I never thought of you that way. I apologise if I left a wrong impression to you.

Sorry, I cant help it, but just feel that way. - Although I know its not the end. But i kept feeling trapped and stucked.

Nah, its not ethically wrong, actually if you noticed, what you mentioned are good reminders to me. Otherwise I would have forgotten already.

Maybe though this could kind of be a good thing. The opportunity to focus just on yourself and getting well. Without having to worry about work. Although it's scary and you feel like you're at loose ends.

I dont really know to be exact. Yet I dont want to do things "incorrectly".

Yet here I am wasting time.

Wasting everyone's precious time.

Making everyone worried.

I hope you're doing ok - even with all that's going on. But if you're not - that's ok too. It's ok to not be ok. I know it's hard to not dwell on all the wrongs right now. But things can get better. It may take time , but maybe you can think of this as a new beginning. A new start.

Just waiting for time to pass. But I dont really know what I am waiting for.

Maybe i need some form of "direction" and maybe "decided" by others.

No idea... about the new start option though.

I kept feeling insecure.

Try to be gentle with yourself. Take this one day at a time.

Thanks for replying twistedsoul. Keeping me company.

@mytwistedsoul No you didn't give me the wrong impression. I guess I get it from myself. That insecurity that you're going to say something wrong or say it the wrong way and you're going to end up hurting someone.

ok. probably i misread it.

yes, my father was away for a few days. i totally felt at ease. the freedom.

suddenly i had the concenience of wanting to find a knife and poke him. hopefully to get rid of him. to get my life back. peace and ease.

the only stupid problem is law, morales, rights. fuck.

You don't have to apologize. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. I can understand trapped and stuck. Now you're left thinking what now. Everything you knew or thought you knew has just been shaken. You've lost that sense of security.

ok.

but now i am totally at blank.

the only thing i know to do is to check in here, reply.

and worry about my next meal.

Idk - I guess here I'm torn. Because I don't feel like you're wasting everyone's time but yet I feel the same way. That I'm also wasting everyone's time. But I did have someone recently point out that their talking with me wasn't because they felt they had to. They were talking with me - trying to help because they wanted to. Idk if that helps your thoughts any. People are going to worry - because they care. Because they're concerned. Even if you were 100% there would still be things they would worry about.

red - maybe its the way our "minds" had trained or taught us how to think in our own ways, such that we do not see the other reasons of why someone wanting to help us.

blue - well, perhaps i won't be using the word help. but rather reminders. something perhaps i truly need now, because of my mentality on how i perceive/think things are and the forgetfullness

green - often times, i always see it inversely and take it personal. that results in me hurting myself. and also leading to hurting others.

Feeling insecure sucks. You're not alone there. Life is unpredictable. There seems to be no set way of getting through it. With questioning everything we do - the second guessing - the self doubt - it feeds the insecurities. Even knowing that - I'm not sure how to stop it and make changes. I don't think anyone else but you though can make the decision. They may be able to give you guidence - maybe point you in the right direction but ultimately it's you who has to decide where you want to go from here. I'm sorry that's not more helpful.

dont be sorry about the helpful part.

but yourself being able to write the entire thought process of yours while in a clearer state of mind to others, for others.

is great.

especially now, maybe this is what i need. a reminder. a mental reboot. a mental boost. to start over. to pick up the mess that i created. something like that.

Maybe it's not really that they lost faith and trust in you. Maybe it's just that they're at a loss because they are sure how to help you. They're questioning themselves. That they don't know what to do either. Is there anyone you can talk with that - well - won't end up making you feel worse? Someone open minded enough but gentle enough that would at least understand where you're at. Idk - someone who could help you see the good in you with out making you feel bad.

to be honest, i dont really know. because i am unable to put them in my shoes.

i can only assume, guess, comtemplate, dwell about it. thinking of negativity and feeding more oil to the fire.

no i dont have any close ones that can help and or to talk to.

You're welcome - of course. I'm happy to keep you company. To give you support. You deserve support.

Thanks.

Thank you twistedsoul.

Maybe at least if you can still hold out as long as you can for now. Greatly appreciate it.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

No idea. I don't really know how to describe.

I felt so compelled waiting for your reply, wanting to respond.

Yet it felt so wrong, awkward, missing.

Anyways, my chest is hurting when swallowing. Duno what caused it. Heartburn? or whatever.

Plus i noticed something. Any type of food i ate, carb, protein, fat. Be it huge, small, high/low GI, fibre, hot/cold, whole/puree/blend/etc, whatever rubbish style i can think of. Even drinks...

Its the same, I still get that nausea, weak feeling almost immediately.

I'm sorry to hear that with his return you've lost your feeling of ease and your freedom. awith everything that's going on it's a shame you can't feel more comfortable at home. I get the impression that he is very critical of you. He's allowe an opinion but that doesn't mean he's right.

red - no. Rather is my mind registered a very bad habit of hatred for him. Hence i will like automatically dislike him whenever i know, feel that he is coming home soon. he will be returning to his old habits, etc. whenever he is around, i feel like there is some blockage in my freedom, some survallience along my path, etc.

in a way, yes the house is rightfully his. but i cant help it.

There's nothing wrong with that. I think that sometimes shutting down like that is like self preservation. There's so much we should process but you don't know where to start. So we shut it all down and cover the basics.

er. shutdown more like, blackout.

if you get what i meant. like... kinda dizzyiness or low power or something.

although my footing is still kinda ok ok, and i get back almost immediately.

imagine me handling a knife while getting hit by it.

I think some of it too though is what others have taught us to think. Is it that you're kind of thinking maybe they should mind their own business? A worry about yourself and let me worry about me thing? I feel that way at times. Almost like I feel responsible for what the other person is thinking.

in some sense yes. maybe i try to write in my own words to see if it matches your description

- wanting to some how "please" or "force" others to accept me/my thoughts, regardless of personal right/morale/ethics

- wanting an opportunity from others, to give me a chance to "try" something for them

- wanting others to help me, but not "force" me to take on their beliefs, understanding, support

- wanting others to share their thoughts, opinions, suggestions, in hope for a better future for me?

- wanting others to support and work with me, but not interventing my wishes or plans and respecting my hopes, wants, beliefs, peace

in my position

- as a 99.99% negativity minded person, i still have my own train of thoughts, wants, maybe beliefs

- the current selfish, childish, stubborn, "so called" perfectionist to my standards, of my wants

- feeling compelled to do something for others, yet to only a certain level. but the weird responsiblity of not wanting or able to complete everything by myself

- wanting to shoulder all the pain about myself, and try to resolve by myself without being forced by others

- wanting to shoulder other people's concern, problems, and try to help them, while not interventing with my beliefs, problems, life, wants, etc.

something like that.

I wish we could reboot like that. Like a computer reboot in safe mode. That you can just cover and worry about the simplest most basic things.

safe mode... hmm and clean up all the junk, viruses, malware, trojan, botware, spyware, adwares, ransomware, bloatware, improper working software, drivers, whatever there is in the digital world that is.

interesting... a good clean up.

if the option of formatting is there... or factory default...

or the worse, termination/trash/scrap.

It's hard not having anyone close to talk to. No one you can confide in. Although - you can me. I mean if you want. Which I know in a way you have been. Keep doing it. We'll keep kicking around the thoughts and idea's. Hopefully we'll come up with some eventually.

eventually. i can only hope. but i do not know when.

worse if it never happens. my greatest fear.

actually sometimes i even felt that i/you/we/everyone can only support and aid and boost each other.

ultimately the fundamental aid to recover/help self - is only myself or yourself

that's it.

Hey no worries. I'm here. Use me as your sounding board. It's all good.

Take care Mike - Be gentle with yourself.

I apologise. i can only ask/hope selfishly for now, that you stay as strong as you can.

yet i cant return any favours.

Thanks, you too rest well twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

now even pondering if i should exercise, woke up tremendously weak. this entire week, i woke up having this weird feeling and questioning if i should exercise, be it run or yoga. something very strongly in my body is rejecting. yet i cant rest nor stop. the mind is so, enthusastic about going for it. - wished i could make both at peace.

something feels wrong with my chest, slightly painful to swallow water warm, hot and foods, but no issues breathing. the pharmacist recommended i see a doctor instead of trying to get medications off the shelf. - hiaz... why are there so many issues...

if i am breaking down. can i just shut down forever...

Those black outs - they are scary. I kind of have my own versions of black outs. Here one moment - gone the next. It is very frightening. Because it's out of my control. It just happens and no amount of grounding or mindfulness can help at times. I only hope you don't get hurt.

it is. it just happens without you knowing it. i'm guessing it is ok if you are sitting down idling and not doing important stuff. but if things like, critical work, machinery, tools, driving, walking/running on the road, etc. have to be careful...

thanks twistedsoul, i will keep a look out more.

though sometimes i hope, let nature take (erase) me away. since i cant do it myself.

Yeah that pretty much the sum of it. But sometimes there's the bad thoughts of wondering what someone is thinking. That - do they think I'm just being stubborn or difficult. They must think I'm a stupid idiot - that can't get my life together. Because I can't do this they must think that I'm weak. I don't want to waste anyone's time.

its hard to control what oneself think. and the negativity can go so deep. as deep as you can imagine. - though in reality fact it might just be the direct opposite, which i often negalect.

I think maybe we should re -format. Find a way to leave the good stuff - wipe out the bad. Just like a revision. Make the old better. Fresher. Re - learn things in a more positive way. Which - I guess in a way we are. Trying to make ourselves run better with less gliches or system crashes.

selective re-format i guess you are trying to infer.

You're right - the only thing we can do it support each other. Give that little boost of reminding that you're at least trying. It's all good.

thank you.

sorry though, here i am moaning depending on you, and yet i cant help/aid/support you at all.

I am trying. I do have my good and bad days. But I try to be mindful of when I come in - so I don't have any Idk - trouble with my control. That my thoughts are in the right spot. You don't need to return any favors. This is your thread - you made it to get support. So I'm here to support you.

serious...? that you are ok with it?

i feel very obligated.

there are even times where i had random thoughts of like... having to repay you back. (i.e. air-mailing stuffs to return favour, etc...) though i feel like... somethings not right to do so either.

The thing to remember with trying - is that it never hurts to try. A least then it's a box to check off. That you can say I tried. But you have to make sure you give it a little time. I kind of go by a 3 strikes you're out thing. Like in baseball. Then I put it in the back to be tried maybe at a later date. Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't.

Be gentle with yourself - Try to take care.

hmm, i understand about the trying part of its benefits and uncovering the unknown.

its just that

- i'm very beaten up about the constant attempts to try, again, and again. giving up, putting a break, and try again, and rinse/repeat

- the fear of trying, embracing the unknown

- the feeling of defeat, and waste

- the fact that I cant even make ends meet, no matter how much i have tried

thanks twistedsoul. take care too.

@mytwistedsoul

Something wrong with online portal and mobile app.

I was not able to login (online web) nor post anything (mobile app, but can login).

Hiaz... duno why.

Sorry for coming back late.

Hey - Idk that doesn't sounds too good. If it keeps up you might want to get that checked. Which - yeah- I know - doctors suck. But between this and the black outs, Something sounds like it's seriously wrong. I mean - of course it's your choice but if the blackouts continue or get worse and you end up gtting hurt - I'd feel really bad about that.

Anyone of sound mind, would definitely do that. - which I am not I guess. how I should really "take care" of myself if I constantly treat myself this way.... will monitor. I noticed it happens only when I stand at the kitchen, or walking.

I told my parents and brother. but they never even commented anything. I went to see doctor about the werid chest pains (when swallowing) lately. was "redirected" back to eating disorder, acid reflux... hiaz. why.

sorry twistedsoul, not asking you for "why" just... replying as in voicing my thoughts

Hey you don't need to worry about me I have a pretty good support system at the moment. Don't feel obligated about any of this. LIke I said this is your thread - so I'm here to support you. No payback needed or wanted. I just here for you - a sounding board so to speak. We're just talking here. No worries.

Thank you. Really. For your support, being here.

Thank you for the reminder.

You are very strong being able to think and reply with such clarity.

I can understand that - I feel for you man - I really do. I wish I had some answers or better advice for you. But I'm still here to listen.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care

Again, thanks.

(okays, enough with the emotional thanks)

anyways my recent food (favourite bread) don't seem to bode well with me. hiaz. sad.

you too take care