Lost

@mikenai22

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad place right now.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You did the best you could. It's okay to need help, and I'm glad you're looking here.

Depression can be really hard to work with. I'm sorry you're having to live with it.

Please don't give up. Things can get better.

@mikenai22 Hey you want to talk in here instead? This is your room yeah? I have one too but it's under the self harm recovery thread. I just don't want to, as you said hijack someone elses thread. It's up to you.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey you want to talk in here instead? This is your room yeah? I have one too but it's under the self harm recovery thread. I just don't want to, as you said hijack someone elses thread. It's up to you.

Not "officially" mine. (Cant own the thread. not my property)

But well, i did start this thread though.

But anyways i am ok with either or.

Want to continue at the original post is also ok.

@mytwistedsoul

thanks for copying it over.

yup, I was reading another thread at Reddit, about depression and how it affects ones daily lifestyle. (which is kinda true to me right now.) yea . that feeling. giving up, meaningless, no energy. I tried to stay up abitlast evening and was being questioned tons by my mum. had quite a painful headache (thinking if I am hungry or not ..) and just decided to put her off. and went back to bed.

guess, living in the cold sure a challenge...

about the group chat, yea... I kinda had that feeling.. especially the way each of them greeted each other.

about plans, it is good... but fuel/feed the pain of wanting perfectionist, high expectations of everything must go as planned... too much of a restriction to self...

not sure how "serious" about the Yoga you are referring... but I've been following "boho beautiful" couple for quite some time already... actually I have been doing for multiple session already (looking at the number of check-ins I did, and the numerous times of feedback I gave about good/bad results.

what I don't like/unhappy about.. is the feedback that I get, from doctors, internet, etc... I asked for "A" help or problem, I end up being redirected saying that it is something else.. there is nothing wrong with me or rather it is not of concern.

thanks for reminder.. I already forgot.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry you're having so much stress at the moment. Facing so many decisions, it's hard. Unfortunately only you can make these, which only add's to the stress. I'm sorry that's not very helpful.

nvm, i have been beating myself all along...

it is not like something new...

just bearing the pain only.

but the lost of the breakfast. is truely sad.

I didn't think... earlier, I should have. I didn't mean to upset you with talk of anything to trigger your ED. To be honest I don't know a whole lot about it. I either eat or I don't. Usually once a day, although there are times I just forget. I get busy, or side tracked and don't think about it.

ED is just with me all along, so not actually "triggering".

I am like already "numbed" to it.

Yea, i realised too... when i engulffed myself with the computer. i just keep researching about stuffs, recipies, health articles, recoveries youtube, etc..

All the anxiety just kicks in.

When i get a task at work. i just almost forgot about the rest..

but my relation at work now is very bad. my concentration is way way off.

I just kind of figured it's an OCD thing. Things just need to line up and be kept orderly. A little bit of order to my chaotic mind.

yup, everyone has their own self-belief and desires.

Some of the poses still look a little complicated to me. I'm more of a tai chi person and that's rare too for me. I get enough of a work out just from day to day life.

wow.. tai chi. not bad.

not easy also.

It upsets me a little that people aren't listening to you. And to have your company doctor not want to see you. And the other's just seem unwilling to listen and at least point you in a helpful direction. Are there any in your area that are ED trained? I know how hard it is to find a doctor that you get along with. I'm on my second one in a little over a months time. Which was hard, but I do understand now because the first doesn't deal with trama related issues. It's hard to be open when you feel that you're being judged for things you do or don't do.

yes there is.

But the ED doctors, asked me 1 question.

Only to come back and see them, if I truly want and committed to recover.

Accept whatever they are going to say.

Accept inpaitent if required, etc.

Anyways, i never get what I want... I just hate these scarifies.

I'm sorry this isn't very helpful, today is a little off for me. I got a little over whelmed yesterday, emotionally, not in a bad way, just..I don't know.. I have a hard time understanding why I would matter to strangers and why they would care what I do to myself, when the one's who should care... don't. The comprehension just isn't there for that.

Hey. Hey. twistedsoul. dont blame yourself.

you are free to choose and decide the thoughts and actions you desire.

its like me... i rather help others, than help myself.

i rather spend the effort, help my parents cook good food.

yet eat like baby food myself. (hope to have better digestion without bloating/spasm pains)

Take care, be gentle with yourself... maybe meditation would help calm you?

Thanks again. (for the reminder - i just kept forgetting)

But i learnt something... just a few moments ago. (i only think that i will forget soon enough)

meditation. tried a few good times. did not workout as expected...

most of the times, my mind just floats away.

@mytwistedsoul

I hope you dont mind if i start a new post.

So that it is easier to read on mobile. (it does not shrink to some small sized column.)

(i should learn to stop using "..." and type properly.)

(I should also stop writing my internal thoughts, although it seem to train me to think out loud, than not think properly)

It may not be something new but you shouldn't have to bear the pain and definitly shouldn't have to bear it alone. Although we each have our own battles. I'm sorry for your breakfast.

I have this self-blame, self-negativity behaviour way back. probably learnt/trained/believd since young.

previously therapist was "hoping" that i try to wean out of it... (but you guessed it, i couldnt')

It is ok... I just never expected that to happen. (the "breakfast" container contains extras for spare/redundancy incase... i was hungry later..., but well. the entire container was sent to the floor. so yea. all gone)

It's easier at times when we become absorbed in a task and can forget everything else that's going on inside and around us. Without those distractions things become too deep, too painful to deal with. It's an escape, to get so focused on other things like that. At least it is for me.

I dont really have something to get absorbed to.

Other than making food... (but then i started worrying/stressing about serving sizes, too much "bad" stuffs i.e. flour, etc.)

Anyways yea, too painful to really manage and deal.

Yeah.. it's hard to put your trust in people you don't know and let them make what they feel are the right choices for you. To sacrafice your freedom and do as they say, is frightening. I only trust myself, I'm the only one I have ever been able to depend on.

Honestly, i find it difficult to even trust myself.

Now, i dont even know who i should be listening to...

Is like so messed up now.

I seemed to be living "someoneelse's" life. (yet all along i thought it was mine)

oh my friend, sometimes my thoughts and my actions aren't safe for me. I have a self destructive side that works against me. I try to help other's too, I know how I feel at times, so I try to help other's feel better.

often times, we forget. so yea. try to be aware and be safe.

(like yesterday, i was almost so desperate to pick up the food on the floor, and just eat them, no one saw it - 5 second rule???)

(but my concenisnse, suddenly woke up and told me. Hey... this is common pantry area. How many people walked past. You think the floor is clean? This is not your home.)

So what did you learn, a few moments ago? If you don't mind my asking..

The above.

And in addition, something extra i learnt on the way home yesterday (after doing stupid stuffs. making stupid decisions of life)

All the lessons/thoughts/practises shared by social media, etc.

- possessions does not bring you happiness

- status does not bring you any happiness

- wealth does not define you

- do not allow money to control you

- time is one of "most" valuable thing in life, don't waste it

- there are more important things that you can dwell on, than stupid stuffs (i.e. food, exercise, diet, health, possessions, decisions, etc.)

- many more

And i started realising. I am not truly myself anymore.

Almost like a lost wandering lifeless soul - Living someone's elses defined life.

Yeah I'm not supposed to meditate any more, I disconnect all the way. Although I've heard that it's ok for your thoughts to wander. Some say yes , other's no. Not sure which is the right answer.

it is ok to wander, but dont let that take over all of your life.

is more like to be aware of the present moment. and living through it that is more important.

so meditation is more like a platform/vessel/action/situation/time for you to stop "anything" and take some time to focus/come back to present. not dwell to past/future.

(i find myself saying all this. yet i am not doing it.)

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

well... setting up the "regret" of mine.

(yea, i took the plunge and just bought the speakers... - like finally after dwelling so long)

(and yes, i regretted the purchase)

(and yes, this is the lesson that i was talking about)

(all the time lost, money lost, effort, research, etc. what was it for?)

Nope don't mind at all, whatever makes it easier for you. I think it's good to write your internal thoughts. Since they always seem to be the thoughts that get us into trouble.

okie. much appreciated.

(zzz... =.=||)

We learn what we're taught as kid. That's where all my bad behavior has come from. Well most of it anyway. And the therapists are supposed to help overcome the bad stuff, it doesn't go away on it's own.

maybe it is. it could be a starting point. or like earlier said, could be a behaviour learnt mid-way also.

(well in addition, could be learnt from family/close ones, etc. - but not blaming them - unfortuntately my hatred never ends with them)

therapist erm well... depends. some only help to open you up. to let you see things that you perhaps have "intentionally hidden" unknowlingly.

rather than the "overcoming" part. so they kind of stand of the middle/neutral party

No hobbies? I do woodworking myself. But that's a hobby that sort of turned into a job. I go for alot of walks in the woods.

Nope. Totally lost it.

wood working? wow.

well, if you like it.

you will wake up looking forward to it.

ooo woods walking. sounds adventureous. yet spooky at times.

but defintely calming. (just hope... dont meet any wild boars... or dinosaurs.)

I know what you mean about trusting yourself. And about living someone elses life. Because this isn't what I had planned for mine.

thanks. twistedsoul.

The 5 second rule, I would have been tempted too. But it probably is best that you didn't. I would have over thought it afterwards and then it would have made me sick to think of how many people walked past and how clean it may or may not have been.

yea...

luckily somehow I thought through it... and not because of a pinched situation and went for such desperate measures.

Your right, all that stuff doesn't make us who we are. You could have all that stuff and still wouldn't be happy. Time is very valuable as that is the one thing that when it's gone it's gone. I've never been sure who I am, it seems to change all the time. But I'd like to think I'm a good person rather than the bad one I've been told I am my whole life. I try to help others, I try to be patient and a gentle teacher.

but my mind has been clouded with it.

probably because since young, i am "not privileged" to have such advantages. - perhaps its teh way of parent's upbringing and mentality set

now when i have the slight better luxary, but yet clouded with the "control"... hiaz.

well. i read so many times about "time". but yet cant seem to appreciate and accept it. despite seeing it fly away.

and also about yourself, sure... we tend to "overlook" so sometimes perhaps have to really let others "share" their real opinion of you. but then you know.. some over exarates (if i spell it correctly)

I think you're a good person, who trying very hard to do the right thing. You just need to find the right people to help you find you. I hope that makes sense. I know it's not easy. I actually think that trying to find yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. Because there are so many things that factor into it. Outside influence, inner influence. The ever present self doubt and our ever present inner demons.

thank you... i hope so. (but i really changed since the "incident" till now)

i am not sure if i should reach out. (i dont really wanna spend, neither nor... try to accept other's opinion... or whatever... it felt difficult to move over, push over)

about finding self, i actually read somewhere that actually... sometimes people move on. i.e. who knows if things change. the next moment/day/week/month/year/etc...

Yeah my mind doesn't just wander with meditation, it checks out completely and I end up sitting there for hours without any awareness. It's hard not to dwell on the past when it's so present in the here and now.

woa... kudos~ it is not easy. although train-able.

Take care , and as always...be gentle with yourself.

(sorry. kept forgetting no matter the reminders.)

@mytwistedsoul

Why do you regret getting them? I just hate spending money myself. It irritates me that the money I make has to go towards things that are too over-priced.

Cause it is not what i wanted. (but i cannot tolerate the pain anymore)

(reason because i cannot justify for it, and i cannot find the perfect solution)

anyways, i regret any purchases that i made.

it just feels wrong.

Hatred towards family. Yeah I hear you on that. Mine like to play head games. They have since I was little

that kinda sucks.

Sorry (yea, i know... dont have to be.. but i duno what to say...) to hear that twistedsoul.

Do stay cautious sometimes and hold your ground if need to.

The guy I see now is really helpful, he helps guide some of the things but steps in when I start to lose control. I understand a little more about myself and why I do some of the things I do. I know there's a long way to go but like they say, little steps.

Great, Glad to have a good support that is in sync and knows its place (especially when to step in somemore)

Good. Good.

Keep it up for somemore time, and who knows if it will really assist you. One true day, you might be out of it or maybe i should paraphrase. One true day, you know how to manage it well enough to have better life balance.

Yeah it's ok, my grandfather used to do it. I liked him, he was pretty cool.

^.^

Yeah it does get spooky at times, no dinosaurs lol, or boars. There are bears and coyotes though. And I heard there supposed to be coywolves, a wolf-coyote cross but I've never seen them.

My... Does'nt bears and coyotes sounds way way dangerous?

well to be forest always feels... calm.

but in our place here.

forest only mean 1 thing to me. (unpleasant memories. so I'll stop here)

That's why we need to break the cycle so we don't turn out like our parents and our parents - parents.

hiaz... I don't know how to.

I only have a laundry list (of opposites that sounds logically/moralely/humanly right).

When I think of the time I spend hiding away from the world wow, There are things I'd like to do and see but I'm not really good around people. They make me so nervous. I'm working on that, trying to any way. People will always have thier own opinion about you. But if you're a good person, the opinion should be good also. Although there are mean people of course and some it doesn't matter what you do they won't like what they see.

After "typing" with you, i realised, we kinda have some common behaviours. =.=

I kinda know, that people have their own opinion on me. (but i cant help to think about it)

way worse when they voice it out (and makes me frustrates/furyrates...)

in my surroundings, so far i only see mean people. (maybe its my perception.)

You could always try and then if you don't like the person or you don't click, look for someone else. At least you can say you tried.

kinda tired already... felt very exhausted.

its like constant trying and never really addressing it.

i know it is probably some sort of "good experience", but i just dont kinda like the felling

I think you can change your habits and behaviors but well I guess you can change... sorry my thoughts just scattered. You know grow as a person, for the better. I'll have to give that some more thought.

have to move on. (totally aware)

i cant. (sorry. it felt like a totally burnt in behaviour)

Believe me, I don't try to sit there that long. My legs are usually asleep and I usually have to pee like a race horse. Sorry for the analogy. Or I find myself sort of waking up in weird places. Like I got lost in a day dream or sleep walked somewhere.

sounds like you have do practise a good active lifestyle. (i presume its good correct?)

Be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul

@mytwistedsoul

hiaz, at home... resting.

took the plunge from boss's offer of break. (but my fear came true... wasting time... i wonder if i should take haitus from computer or 7cups... or anything.)

Did you have an easier time with work when you were part time? Do you think your performance was better when you worked part time? Sorry...questions. Maybe they would let you go back to part time if that's the case. Sorry just throwing thoughts out.

Not really, its just abit more "flexible" in terms of food management.

But i have to rush home to "prepare" my food.

(if noticed, alot of stuffs are related to "my food" - yet i refused to change the habit of eating out... and spending real cash - despite it costing more)

I do not know if it is the morale of work that is dragging things down or what. Its like the fire (andreline to work is gone) I remember last time (before i become like this) waking up to "rush" to office to get things done, fixed, troubleshoot, resolve, brew "instant" coffee with colleagues, etc...

hey, dont worry about questions. (it helps me to open up too~) guess what it might even help me remember stuffs/habits of the past. (i think i shared with you a doc before of my past/life/habits? - a blog post of mine)

I dont think it is an issue, but rather, i do not know what to do for the next half of the day.

- exercise?

- play? (what?, pc?, anime/cartoon?, music?, etc...)

- konmari?

- read more health arcitles?

- sleep?

- prepare more food?

(Sorry twistedsoul, not trying to bash... but suddenly letting thoughts out)

Your own world...yep That I absolutely understand. It's safe. But sometimes unbearably lonely. Especially late at night, when it's dark. And you think and over think and you either get so anxious you feel like you are going to jump out of your skin or so depressed that you can't move.

It is lonely. (I like)

but sometimes i feel trapped and helpless.

not willing to listen and/or accept other's advice or recommendation.

Yep, either late at night, or when alone in a room/office whatever the situation is. (worse especially when something gone wrong, i.e. no food prepared, remember the breakfast incident?, etc.)

yea... the heart pulsing, trumatising...

The coffee was goood tbh but now I feel bad that I said anything about it. sorry about that.

Shit...

I did not intend the thoughts to be that way. (I apologise too for causing you think about it this way - how irresponsible of me to selfishly think of myself only)

Message I'm trying to send over is, something happy for me... yet ended up being so painful.

Yet i am still pushing through the pains daily. irregardless.

Actually, perhaps. i should listen or try out. quit cold turkey and see how.

(I did once before, almost good 14 days. quite a lot of placebo effects, i.e. brain fog, headaches, dizzyness, etc.)

Oh I wanted to ask...surfing net? For fishing? So you live close to the ocean? That must be nice. I'm sure it has it's downside though, with storms and such. Sorry I'm full of questions. Seems like I always have questions about things. If I ask too much just tell me to shut up.

er no?

Surfing net - www, internet, social media? (youtube, quora, reddit, blog posts, etc.)

Dont worry about questions.

I am not you, you are not me.

I cant tell what you interpret when i explain, you may interpret another way which you thought i wanted to explain.

The world is a complicated place... =.=

Ah...well try to have a pleasant rest. I hope the dizziness goes away for you.

zzz... not resting.. andreline rushing...

not really. panadol-ing again..

@mytwistedsoul

Hey that's great that the boss offered you a break. Sometimes it is good to disconnect from the internet. You have to try to do what is best for you.

I was surprised my boss (another guy) offered. Because I kept telling my previous and current boss

So you had more time to do your food preparations. I did notice and well, I have questions but.. I worry about asking things. That sounds stupid I guess but I always feel I have to watch what I say to everyone. Um..over-stepping boundaries I guess you would call it. I know you had said you don't eat sugar .

Which is bad... cause it fuels my habits to prepare own meals. (hiaz)

its ok just ask. be open.

I am actually.. kinda open. (other than super sensitive stuffs. like... your address please. your personal details, etc...)

Sugar, well yea. No oil, no salt. (But been excessively on fruits. hiaz. what's the diff. still glucose in the end)

It's possible with the morale but if you enjoyed it before...something changed that. Something happened to make it change. I'm sorry that sounds so straight forward. It happened to me. I had a careful built house of cards, I was a little more social and not quite as nut's. It was quiet..er...in my head, And something happened and it set everything into motion again. And once it starts, I can't get it to shut off.

i do not know what.

something did.

maybe was something to do with food.

or work.

or life.

or army.

(funny, why cant i write properly now)

hmm do take care and "raise" good awareness of your thoughts :)

No blog, just a link for the yoga.

Hey throw all the thoughts out you want.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/

(if you see the food pictures, dont worry... there has been some - minor - changes compared to the past)

Yeah I know.. trapped inside yourself. and you can't make people understand how it feels to be you because you can't find the right words. Sometimes there is no way to explain, no words for any of it.

precisely.

(honestly sometimes i am lost on how to "type" it out either.)

(it just it is as how it is. like act of nature. and it just had to happen or this way and nothing can describe it)

You don't need to apologize. It's just everyone is always saying to be careful not to trigger anyone, and I was worried that I upset you with talking about it. The headache's, brain fog and dizziness sound like caffine withdrawl.

Don't worry.

I'll probably just hold back if i see anything.

(guess what, sometimes i am even worse off. I actually make a "cold joke out of it")

(i.e. colleague, relatives, family asked - "what are you eating?"

mike (or wc) : "Shit food ok? Baby food? I know, not suitable for human consumption, not nutritious, not balanced.")

<go away - just leave me alone... =.= kind of feeling>

You could see if taking a break from it would help.

someone need to take a sledge hammer

- break my internet, computer, mobile

- and most importantly wack me on my neck or some "ultra" pill so that i can deep sleep for a good break

Surfing net...man I am an idiot! lol sorry! I was picturing someone with a fishing net on a surfboard.. I thought, wow that would be hard!

=.= its ok. sorry if somehow confused you...

That's some of why I ask questions all the time. It helps me get a better idea but I also understand that people don't want to talk about some things. But that really makes it hard to really talk with someone if you have to watch what you say.

if you noticed, I am not good in socialising... (i hardly ask anything)

like above, just ask :)

I'll reply whenever i can. I hope i dont miss any lines (perfectionist coming in again)

Do you ever try what they call grounding tools for anxiety? I can't find anything that works for me yet. I've been told it helps, but I haven't had any luck. Although the take a deep breath thing helps a little.

So far... i noticed, whenever i am away from the computer.

It seems to help.

<shit man... am i supposed to get out.. of the IT world?>

Take care of yourself, be gentle.

ok... sorry. i cant remember