Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

I feel worthless, question why I'm even here. I broke up with my boyfriend because he was using me. I stayed with him for four yrs optimistic that he would change but it was always the same b.s. and he never seemed to care. I would listen to all his problems & do everything I could to make his day better but when I needed someone it went in one ear out the other& his response was always a different topic he'd want to talk about. Today was the first day we didn't talk, I'm struggling but I guess he doesn't seem to mind. I feel alone & it's taking everything not to continue crying.

I feel pathetic and it's hurting my family relationships. I want to be left alone, I get angry easily & everything they do pisses me off. I dont want to be like this but I can't seem to get over it and be positive.

I want to know why I'm here& what's my purpose. I have no reason to keep going, no friends or family to talk to about I really am feeling. I feel like the outcast,the person who is there but no one really wants then around. It's all just out of pity. I hate being sad & being alone but the people I care about have left or don't seem to see that I'm really not ok.

Alone, worthless, stupid. I'm at the lowest point I've been in a long long time and all I can think is I'm scared I'm going to do something to hurt myself and disappoint those who care about me.

I dunno. I got a new phone, but the only people I text is my best friend and my guy friend. It's not like they even want to talk to me. I tried texting my other best friend, but as usual she opened it and didn't reply. I fainted this morning and sort of had a seizure from low blood pressure. You see, I have a too tight sports bra I've been wearing and when I sat down I felt fat rolls, so I didn't eat until like 3pm and just sat in bed. When I stood up, I ran to my living room but started to feel dizzy. My brother was talking to me, but my whole body was twitching. So much for starving myself. My grandma now knows an embarrassing secret about me, so she dropped a hint about it earlier. When she said it, it kind of triggered my depression and that's when I kinda started hating life for the day.

And.....I'm confused again..

I was talking to my friend last night.. And.. I'm gonna be honest.. I feel like he's gonna end up using me. I dunno.. Last night he told me if isn't fair that people get to see me everyday.. he doesn't even live in the same state and its unfair?? I can't help that. He can't help that.. I was enjoying talking to him for a bit.. but it didn't feel the same as it did the other day.

I had a freaky weird dream last night.. A lot of people from my past showed up and it freaked me out.. I'm still freaked and it's upset me. I just wanna make amends with everyone who would rather see me dead so I don't have to keep all this guilt.. I blame myself for everything..

The guy who gave me the brush off.. he's really acting like a child. It's like he enjoys to make me feel even more terrible about things I can't control. After he messaged me yesterday I asked what he wanted.."don't worry.. I mean nothing" ok...... then why waste time messaging me?? Oh.. right to make me feel bad.. Make me feel it's my fault.

*sighs* I can't let myself get hurt by people who only want explicit things from me. I may be a child.. But age doesn't measure intellect.. Everyone loves calling me a baby.. They know I hate it.. And continue.. Just like when people use my birth name. I've asked nicely multiple times.. I feel bad for saying this but one of my friends said (since I just can't out as genderfluid) she'll use my birth name on "femme" days... And my preferred on my "masculine" days... And I'm like... But... Non binary...???? I told her in a calm tone. "No. My name is Dax." I'm not mean about it because it has been a slow gradual change with me.. Though I can't make any physical changes.. people need to adjust to the changes. I know it's gonna be a while.. But for some the name change was instant.

I have school tomorrow for the first time since Tuesday.. I've been stressing out so much.. But I don't show it. I miss my friends, yes..but.. seeing people everyday who hurt me.. or don't care about me makes me feel like less of a human.. Even more so.. And.. I just hate myself..

I have been depressed since I moved to this country. I hate it here. I am here bcos of my partner. He is working here and seems doesn't want to go anywhere else. I don't know what to do. I will never like this place and the only solution is to move back where I came from without him. Any thoughts?

Well... I have no idea what to do with my life. Every time i feel more lost And lonely, but The worst of that is that i'm not alone and i'm in a room with a lot of people basically the whole time.

I hate this freaking whole that i feel in my heart and The pression in my heart too. i want to cry every time but i'm never capable to do it because i hate feeling more weak and i hate when The people see The real me.

Me one of those teens who use that cool mask tho hide every feeling. All The people think that i'm so happy and possitive but no one ever try to see behind that mask and for some reason i'm glad they don't.

I have good friends... Like the greatest but that's what makes me feel worst because i don't deserve them. I want to be gone for ever and leave this freaking shit behind but it's too hard because i'm not that strong.

I just woke up.. for the third time this morning... And I feel worse.

I just wish I knew what I did to provoke people..

I'm ready to give up.

I feel really conflicted and I need some guidance

I feel like I'm having a breakdown I was doing so well but my anxiety and depression suddenly kick in I feel so bad, I just can't, I want to drown myself, I feel like such a piece of shit, worthless. I don't have anybody in this country to talk to, I feel so lonely.