saying, uncharacteristically
[CW: self-destructive ideation]
I was in one of the chat rooms tonight/last night (it's 0-dark-hundred now)...I shared. Just checking in. Then I stayed & listened for a while, & everyone's words blipped up the screen, & it all gradually blurred together & my eyes drifted shut...then I realized I'd slumped down in my chair & that if I didn't get up I would regret it later. The fog started rolling forward inside my head again. I left the room.
I went to bed & stared at the ceiling again...it all came back. Sooner or later it always does.
My first diagnosis was of "dysthymia" in my mid-teens. Since then the years passed, I did the things I did; I made the decisions I made. Some of them weren't the smartest ones. One of the drawbacks of being alive is that every move is irrevocable: once you f*** up, there is no opportunity to do it differently. There are no second chances. Time has no rewind button.
On top of that, I learned too much. Far too much to ever believe in any kind of heaven. There may be other dimensions I am unaware of but thus far, I haven't seen incontrovertible evidence of any. When my life subscription expires I will start to decompose, then rot. In a few years I will be forgotten by whoever knew me (not many do), & it will be as if I'd never existed...which, if I'm being honest, I would prefer had been the case from the beginning. That way I would never have gone through all this cr@p.
Lately it has occurred to me that the default mental state psychiatric/psychological treatments are intended to bring you to, may not be sanity after all. It's like being happy or "well adjusted" requires a kind of blindness. If sorrow is temporary & you're truly content, your eyes are at least half-closed.
As I stare at the ceiling, the old problem returns... > half my life is gone. I have morbid tendencies (obviously). Am on medicine now but I still have depressive episodes because of my chronic ailments that will never go away. I can look forward to more head pain, vertigo, ringing in the ears, joint pain & intestinal disturbances. And allergies. Suffering is guaranteed; pleasure is not & when it comes, it is fleeting. Staring upward in the dark, I think: is this it? 20 to 25 more years of this s***, & then it's all over? That's all there is to look forward to?
Isn't it strange how death is something you can fear & want at the same time...
I have a few achievements to my name. I've known a few interesting people (some of them interesting in all the wrong ways); I've seen many things & done more things. I've made a lot of art. But all things considered, I would rather not be here. And finding reasons to keep breathing is getting difficult.
@slowdecline48
I really resonate with the last two sentences. I feel like I could experience all the greatest things in life and still view death as the ultimate prize. Life doesn't feel enjoyable to me and even if I feel like life is enjoyable for a day or two (extremely rare but have done recently) the next those thoughts will creep up on me. I don't know if this is all that related to what you said but I felt like replying.
@slowdecline48
Everything else aside, I gotta say first that I like the title to this post.
Most of this is pretty relatable to me, because I know what depression at that level can get like in my own experience. Pretty often, I feel like I'd be better off if everyone was just AI, not real. If it means something, you're one of the ones that make me feel glad that it's not like that. Part of that's just how "real" you are with people. I respect that because I don't always feel so capable of speaking my mind.
As far as all the existential parts, I struggle with it too. My food for thought might appear too optimistic, but I'm feeling more convinced of it as time goes on. Any heaven and *** are probably of our own making. The mind is a powerful thing, and people have had dreamlike experiences even while they were technically not alive briefly. We didn't ask to be thrown into this world, but what if we can actually go back to all those decisions, have pleasure in our control. Truth is often stranger than reality, but I can't imagine someone would belong on a different plane of bliss or torment when they're just as thrown into that world. Maybe it'll be like lucid dreaming, and maybe we're owed that. Maybe how we use that is what truly ends up mattering in the end. It's the best guess I can come up with, because I know that I definitely can't make peace with this world and the supposed answers I was given either.
Just kinda seems bleak if it's really as bad as it seems. No matter how much good we do here, it would be virtually impossible to make a dent in the big picture. Some of us just understand that we need more than that, whether we can get it or not.
@Torean It isn't too optimistic if that is what you truly believe, & if it helps you get through your days. Believe what you want; it's your life & your mind, man. Besides, for all I know I could be totally wrong! (In a nutshell, that is why I'm an agnostic & not an out-&-out atheist. Atheists claim more certainty than is warranted) All I know is what my senses & reasoning tell me. They can't possibly tell me everything...much of what they have told me, however, is cause for pessimism.
@slowdecline48
I gotta agree about atheism having unwarranted certainty, and never really understood it for that reason. What I feel is true alters, but I just wanted to offer something different.
That said, not sure if it was at all helpful for you, but you have an unapologetic and rational way of talking that makes a lot of sense to me. Maybe the best way to follow it up is to say... I think the main red flag of any optimism or pessimism to me is when I feel like I'm making excuses for myself or for what I want to believe... That's also the biggest reason that I dropped religion. It might indeed make it easier to deal with depression too, at least when it's not too overwhelming. But the other edge of that sword is keeping purpose and hope alive without the excuses, despite, well, everything. I dunno, I hope that makes sense on some levels
cut & pasted from my "regular" journal:
Here I am again.
Yeccchh.
More than half my life is gone...I devoted so many years to perfecting my art & learning crafts (mostly woodwork), only for my body to start falling apart in an unanticipated & rather early fashion. Finally learned how to use watercolor brushes as a result, but still...it is a net loss of output.
I grew up reading & drawing, took my studies seriously when I was in college until my senior year... Once the "new atheist" movement took off, I was in it for a few years & explored atheism, skepticism, secularism. Later I got bit by the history bug & went down a few rabbit holes from there. I cannot remember all the titles of what I read or all the history vids I watched & downloaded from You2b. Now I can't have a decent convo with most people--& not with practically everyone under 30.
All of the above made for a lonely life, now. Being mostly solitary & focused is one way to live...but age & time changes everything.
"Trouble in mind, I'm blue
But I won't be blue always
You know the sun gonna shine
in my back door someday"
- old blues standard
@slowdecline48 Hope the sun shines for you soon. Came here to say I can relate to a lot of what you post(ex. dealing with chronic pain, depression, interest in reading, art/drawing, & history).
When you mentioned some stuff about atheism on both this and the other reply, it really got me thinking...Idk if atheist really describes me anymore. I'm just an "apatheist" to where I don't really care at all, I'm apathetic to it. I have studied different religions, beliefs, theology etc. but nothing in particular calls out to me and I can't force myself to believe in it....either that, or I just feel like everything is pointless and it doesn't matter because I'm too stuck in my depressed, anxious mind, so I wouldn't really care if I went to some sort of "h3ll" because my life already feels like h3ll...Also...I noticed that atheism has kind of been more associated with certain political movements, so I don't really feel welcomed there and I rather not call myself an atheist anymore. I don't really like to use certain labels anymore, because it gets...politicized and not anything I associate or believe in. I don't want to get super specific, but because of my skin colour or, say...other traits about me, people assume I'm on their "team" but I'm not lol. I'm just me and don't want to associate with anyone or anything in that sort of way. I just keep my head down and live my life away from the craziness. I don't want to be involved. Some might look at me and assume "oh you have brown skin, so you must be pro-hamas too like us!!" (I'm not omg and I don't want to be involved).
I'm rambling quite a lot uh...idk. I guess I can just say I relate. I've been off my meds(ran out, waiting to talk to doctor), so my depressive episodes have been wild and have made me have some crazy thoughts, but I never act on those thoughts because, well, I'm still here. I can't really act upon those thoughts anyways, since my son will be left alone with NO parents, and I don't want that...He doesn't deserve that to happen...Anyways, I have to talk to my doctor about different methods to help with help or...I might just try some "natural remedies" (lol). Idk, I'm just sick of the medicine not working for my medical issues (mental & physical). It's tiring and can't do sh!t with my life if my medical issues continue to regress/decline.
Even though I was still pretty depressed and drank a lot in the past, I used to be an (amateur) weightlifter and had better health than I do now...and now I can't even walk 10mins without my chest pounding or wanting to pass out due to medical issue. The doctors keep giving me the run around. I don't think it's normal to feel dizzy, lightheaded, nauseous, or shaky every time I stand up nor get chest pain every time I'm walking...Can't exercise no more. No longer have an appetite and lost all of my muscles. I'm becoming skin & bones. I hate it. But oh well...
@ImpudentIncognito "apatheist"...a good word. I'm not in that mode most of the time, but I have days like that.
I can definitely relate to your situation of having people assume things about you purely because of inherent traits. I am "white", but whenever a stranger hears of my ethnicity I know there is a chance I will catch some kind of reaction, depending on that stranger's political stance & possibly, his own racial or ethnic group. (I come from a minority that has been hated by many different people. The animus itself never changes; only the current list of enemies & their excuses do)