Verge of a Breakdown
Long story short, many things happened over the weekend. News of my grandmother in my home country having a sudden heart attack, she's already 95! Getting into a heated argument with my brother.
I left an hour earlier from work yesterday. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I've just parked my car at the Hospital now, and I still feel mentally unstable. But today will be a busy shift. Not sure if I'll be able to leave early again. And I cannot call in sick, as my family won't agree and there's no one else to cover my shifts. Just a couple more days, can I make it?
@Jaeteuk I'm so sorry about your grandmother! 95!? That is amazing! It must be so hard on you being so far away from her that you can't sit with her and visit. I hope she'll be ok. And then to have an argument with your brother on top of all the emotions you must have right now. It's so much
Yes, grandma is 95! I asked my mum this morning if there were any more updates on her condition from her siblings. Turns out she's doing okay at the moment, still able to have a fluid diet, and is currently stable. But still in the hospital and have not returned to her seniors home yet. So, my mum won't need to make an urgent visit.
Being at work, I feel that I'm only physically here. But mentally and emotionally, I'm totally not in my right mind. I wish I could tell people to not have small talks with me, because those kinds of not sincere small talk will just affect me even more.
I passed by a colleague in the hallway a couple of hours ago, we greeted each other with a Hello. She tells me it sounds like I'm dead. I do feel like an empty shell at the moment.
I wish I can have a good cry.
@Jaeteuk I guess maybe they're keeping her there to keep an eye on her? To make certain she's doing better?
Latest update from one of my Aunts last night. The doctors were able to give her some medication, similar to a blood thinner.. now, we're just waiting how she reacts.. If grandma is fine, she'll be discharged from the hospital this weekend and be sent back to her seniors home.
As for my brother, I haven't spoken with him much verbally all week.. I have been getting off work late, and we don't even greet each other when I go upstairs into my bedroom (his bedroom is right beside mine, often laying on his bed looking out into the hallway). Most of the talking was yesterday morning, when he asked me where I parked for my new dentist (I helped him change over last month and made the appointment for him), and also last night, when he came down to the kitchen, I asked how his appointment went. But that's all the "talking" we've had since the argument. We talked very little even by text/chat messages.
I have to get ready for work again soon, I'm still very tired, as I haven't been sleeping well either.. waking up around 4-6am all week.. The worst was the night before, when I couldn't fall asleep until 5am.. and of course, last night was a slightly busy shift too. I still didn't get home until almost 9pm. Then, I was awake by 6am this morning, didn't fall asleep until almost 2am.
A nurse asked me yesterday how I was, you know, the usual "how are you" questions.. I gave her a so-so gesture, and she tried to dig more, and asked if I was sick, I only replied with "not me, but someone else".. as the place where she asked me, it was like in the middle of 2 nursing stations, so others would be able to hear us if I spoke more. So, I just kinda left it, as if I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I can't wait for the end of today's shift, as I'll be off the next two weeks.. although staying at home, it's better than going to work, and be working like crazy, because none of my colleagues help me with anything. I can return to watching my dramas before bed.. and sleeping more normal hours. I already feel like going back to bed, rather than to work. Got a feeling it's going to be another busy night.
@mytwistedsoul
@Jaeteuk I'm glad they found something that could help. I hope she does well with it. Hopefully that helps ease some of the stress you've been under
@Jaeteuk I'm really sorry to hear that you've been feeling stressed and depressed. Remember, it's okay to feel this way, and you're not alone in this. Sometimes, talking about what you're going through can help, so please feel free to share if you want. Take small steps to care for yourself, like resting, eating well, and doing something you enjoy, even if it's just for a little while. And most importantly, reach out to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, or a professional, because you deserve support and understanding.
Thank you. Today seems slightly better, but then again, I couldn't fall asleep until 5am this morning. Ended up working overtime last night, so I'm now physically exhausted too.
Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I can reach out to, except here in 7Cups. So, any response from anybody is already helpful. I don't even know if I have colleagues that I can tell, I feel so lost and stuck in my emotions.
It also bothers me that it looks like even my own mother is not as anxious about her own mum, compared to the feelings I'm getting for grandma upon hearing the news of the heart attack. My heart feels heavy every time I think about it, and yet, I can't stop myself from "not" thinking about it. I guess it doesn't really help when I work at the hospital too, where surgeries take place.
Just two more days, then, I can do some self-care. I'm off the next 2 weeks.
But just like how that passing colleague saw me last night when we greeted each other.. she says I sound like I'm dead.. which I think to a sense, I do feel that way.. emotionless. These days had been the hardest, trying to make myself "look" normal, but failing to do so.
@CatastrophicCat262
Hello Jae! It sounds like a heartbreaking situation and it bites that you're not receiving emotional support IRL while going through this. :( I saw a comment that mentioned that you have two days off after your work shift -- have you been off work this weekend? How have you been coping lately?? How are things at home between you, your brother, and mother? I hope you have been able to watch the K-Dramas & C-Dramas, it sounds like a nice way to unwind after having to work a stressful job and then going up to an overwhelming and more stressful situation... Do you have some more recent updates on your 95y.o. grandma? How is she doing and how are you doing? Sorry for the many questions, just want to make sure you're doing OK. I'll try and be more active on 7cups. I might be able to slip on at some odd hours to talk. Sending good vibes your way. 💖✨