A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
I totally get your reluctance to look for any kind of partner right now. I wasn't asking for any kind of immediate search. You need to get some psychiatric improvement going more solidly before the partner thing would be a good option. All I was suggesting is that the door to future relationships doesn't need to be closed completely. Leave it open just a sliver.
Also, do have a few basic friends. They can help you manage everything else so that you don't get overwhelmed or lonely. You aren't by yourself on this journey. I love you being a lifelong researcher. That is a quality goal. But it doesn't have to entirely be by yourself.
I also like the idea of you considering psychiatry. It is a field that you have a passion for. But you also need to know it better. That is another reason to reach out soon to that college organization. Knowing the field and how it is practiced can make you a better student of it while simultaneously helping you work on some of those rougher conclusions that you keep making about yourself that are damaging your mental health.
You are still figuring out where you fit into medical school. You aren't being careless with your parents' sacrifice. You are figuring out what will work best for you. Psychology is very closely connected to psychiatry. Starting to find out how you might best be able to do that will lead you towards a possible passion. That is what you are looking for.
Yes, that journey is a hard one, but I have no doubt that you can do it.
I am going to just need to say that I see your post and am thinking about you for the next few days if you happen to post. I apologize.
We are due to take a direct hit from the hurricane after a glancing blow from Helene a few weeks ago and I am not in a good mental spot at the moment. We will also probably lose internet and power on Wednesday for several days. But I am trying. @bestVase7265I'm sorry to hear about your situation there. I'm also sorry that i currently don't have the capacity to empathize with you fully. Things haven't been great here either.
The amounting tasks, the lack of sleep, the loneliness, and the stress, it's taking a toll on me. I've been getting late into class these past three days and even missed two classes. The most amount of sleep i got is two hours.
I've just been feeling numb and discouraged with meeting or even engaging with other people. To think that this will be my life for the next 52 years. I also decided to change my trajectory from healthcare service to a more research centered education. I just hate the idea that i have to deal with other people again. I also choose to become celibate because i hate being human, procreation, and the cycle of life itself. God, i can't wait to die. I can't wait to get off of this existence, this routine, this life!
I am okay but we have no internet, no electricity and no clean water. I am hoping to be back on soon and actually read messages but it may be a few days.
Ok, I am back more completely now and slowly getting back into things. How have you been doing?
I saw a post of someone being in a relationship on reddit. It was just an innocent picture, but it tore a hole in me. I felt a stab in the chest, my hope vanished instantly. I was once again reminded how i'll die alone, no one would love me. I was once again reminded how much i want to get off of this planet, off of this life, if it weren't for the busyness of med school. I tried jumping off of the third floor of my dormitory during my faculty's religion orientation program. I was so sure of it, but ended up doubting it. I'm a coward, i concluded that day. Now, if i'm being honest, with the way things are going, i'm waiting for a big failure to justify my death on.
I am going to admit being extremely exhausted right now to the point of nearly breaking myself. After 3 weeks of hurricane horror, my mom broke her kneecap and so now I am trying to deal with that.
Thus I apologize for my bluntness and my late reply. You need some help. NOW. I am always here as a sounding board, but when you get close to doing something horrible then you need outside resources. Medical school is an excellent place to find those resources. There is no excuse anymore not to do so. You are an adult and you aren't living at home. Be brave and take the bold path to health. You deserve it. Find that help immediately.
I did! I did asked them for help and you know what they said? They said, "You lack faith in your life, you need to pray more," and directed me to a local preacher which i immediately denied! So much for a psychiatrist degree. Why don't they just became one of those friday preachers!? 8 years of medical study just so you can direct your patient to a preacher.. i just i don't know anymore
You're not the only one who said i needed help, most of my friends did and none of them wanted to talk to me anymore. It feels so isolating. I'm too broken for people. Too broken to be fixed.
I guess i just needed more work. It always works in the pass. So much work that i barey have time to think of anything.
"Ask not, 'Will i found love again?' Ask, 'what do i want in life? Who am i? What can i do to make myself happy?'".
It was a retrospective quote from a podcast i just listened to. I've been looking into materials that could probably help with my situation. All of them said the same thing, "Focus and work on myself, practice self-love, and resolve any traumas that i have endured".
I was forced to look back at my life, kind of observed what can lead to my depression lately. It was then that i found out, despite of how painfully obvious, that i spend little to no time for myself. A friend asked me once what do i do daily, i plainly answered, "study, do my assignments, eat, and sleep," his response was that of concern, but i was too tired to pay any attention to it.
At that moment, i was "Workaholic Rhys". A Rhys that is the epitome of, "Arbeit über alles," which means work above all. There were plenty of occasions where i really sold myself for my work. I skipped meals, skipped showers, din't sleep at all, and barely gave myself time to breathe.
At the time i din't really mind any of it. My doctor once said, "Sleep is but a temporary pleasantries," and i took it to heart. Struggle and pain is the nature of studying in med school. If you're not experiencing either of those, then you're definetly doing something wrong.
You only have so much time in a day. The workload that is burdened upon you necessitates some form of sacrifice. You either not sleep and finished this assignment or sleep and not finished the assignment, getting a 5% cut on your grade, and earning the ire of your guiding doctor. The latter is a nightmare for any medical student, especially if said doctor is one of the "killer" ones. These are the ones that won't hesitate to call you a *** or *** (heard stories of it from my friends and seniors) [this is even more prevalant on the 5th semester and much worse on clinical phase].
So what am i trying to say? I'm tired, very much so. I'm so afraid that spending time for myself would lead to precious time being wasted. I'm struggling with self-love because the decisions i made doesn't promote it. I'm selling myself short for security.
Then my final question is, how do you find love for yourself in a field that is all about making sacrifices?
How have things been going? I have been thinking about you.
I'm feeling.. a bit lost. I guess i also feel lonely? I am a bit unhappy about my current circumstances.
It's currently the weekend. I'll have my 2nd block's exam on monday. I could study for the medical skill exam, but i have doubts regarding the main exam (computer-based test). From the exam leaks that i've received from my senior's exam, it is clear to me that these are the types of questions that require deep learning. This is the kind of deep learning that requires more than just two days (the time i have left until CBT).
I've said to myself on the previous block exam that i would change for my 2nd block. Unfortunately, that change has not yet materialized. I believe it was because i spent too much time on my assignments or my inability to manage my time. Either way, i put little to no effort to study on the weeks leading up to the exam.
It's disappointing, though. I have all the resources i need to make a proper note (i even have voice recordings of the lectures), but i barely have any time to review any of them.
I know that i'm not the only one struggling with this. Even my seniors have confessed that they can only study on the few days leading up to the exam. But this shouldn't be an excuse to my inability.
On many occasions i've considered that perhaps i've wasted too much time. I wondered what would've happened if i just shortened my sleep hours to just 5 hours, eliminate any useless "me time", and consider the actions that i will do.
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That was a rant i guess. I gues i felt paralyzed. There's 2 days until exam and i know that studying for CBT can be futile. I don't know what to do 😓
I know that you are scared. That is understandable. It will be a challenging test. But it does sound like everyone is feeling the same way and they all cram.
Why should you be any different? Don't beat yourself up for something that almost everyone else handles the same way that you have.
You settle down, keep studying and know that you are trying your best. 5 hours of sleep and no "me" time isn't going to work or help you do any better on the test. In fact, that plan worsens your chances.
You have got this. If it doesn't quite go as well as you want then you just try again. You are nothing but really persistent. I admire that about you. @RhysThe3rd
Three things i need to remember tomorrow. The first question, the question number that alligns with the final three digits of my student ID number, and the final question. At the end of the exam, all of these are to be collected to form an almost exact copy of the exam questions for the redo exam. Yes, the entire medical school is doing this. From pre-clinic to clinic. That's the system that we rely on for survival. The one variable that could mess this entire process is if our block coordinator decides to change all of the questions. Then we're really screwed.
I tried honestly. I tried studying. But there's only so much med school material i can cramp in two days. Cells and its functions, cell cycle, bacteria and virus, metabolism, tissues, enzymes, cellular communication, genetic engineering, genetic mutations.. Ah!
I don't know what to do honestly. I doubt that, even with the copy of the exam, i could pass the exam.
I don't know what to do ( T-T).
You are doing everything you can. Make sure that you eat something (even small) beforehand. Lots of deep breathing before you start. More deep breathing every time you come across a question that you are unsure of.
You are doing this thing slowly but surely. I believe in you. @RhysThe3rd
Will I ever find love again? Living in a religiously conservative country makes me feel hopeless about my queer identity. Finding another queer partner can seem almost impossible. Besides that, jumping into a relationship while I'm still in this broken mess is not optimal. It can feel like I need to be perfect to enter a relationship.
All of this is just too much for me to comprehend. I'd rather throw it all into a life of eternal escapism, the constant need to study. I made it clear before that I intend to become a medical researcher. This fulfills both the need for a clear life goal and escapism.
So what's been happening lately is I've mostly abandoned social interaction, only interacting with people when I need to. I'll opt out of a conversation if it stops talking about relevant medical studies and moves into brain-rot internet content. You'll see me writing my notes with my tablet almost everywhere I go. I rarely took breaks, only doing so when I felt like I couldn't physically or mentally push myself even further or if the caffeine had stopped working.
Do I find all of this enjoyable? If it weren't for the sleep deprivation and stress that follows it, I might do so. It's getting harder to find meaning in life outside of academia. As a medical student, studying is something that I constantly have to do, less I want to fall behind in class; eventually, as doctors, we are mandated to perform lifelong learning.
I often tell people that I don't know what to do other than study. It has become a habit, making all other activities seem irrelevant or incomparable. Everything I do has to be productive or fulfill a certain set goal.
With the slow decaying death of social interaction and the hopeless future prospect of a queer relationship, what is there to life other than studying?
I wouldn't call it "the death of social interaction" but "time for me to heal." It won't take forever to do so and there is still lots of time for love. But needing a little extra space right now is okay.
But you sound lonely and regretful now. So do focus on the studying, but start doing hints of other things as well. You refer to other conversations based around the internet as "brain rot". That is pretty true much of the time and not a direction that you necessarily need to head. In part, people are having conversations you don't find interesting and that's just fine.
But maybe there are other conversations that you would find interesting that are outside of the medical ones with your fellow students. Do you ever consider conversing with someone who isn't a medical student. Like what about a running club or a work out space? Or learning a foreign language in your new location? Doing some outside activity once a week might give you that need to talk about something you enjoy that isn't based around your career. @RhysThe3rd
In response to the previous post:
Not really, well, at least not when i'm still within my semester. During it, i'd rather focus on conversations that would help in my studies and not getting a D on my report card, which i previously did on my second block.
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Pathogenesis suck. I'm currently studying the pathogenesis of pain and there's so many interpretation of it! Its making my head hurt.
I hate feeling incapable, because it raises my insecurity about myself. I don't know if i'll ever be enough.
I never, ever, wanted to think of myself in relation to people, that's just my mamal brain doing its own thing! That's just thousand of years of adaptive survival mechanism doing its thing! I have no consesnt over this want.. this feeling. I hate it! I hate being human!
I just want to dedicate my life to science.. and not think about this relationship stuff. How do i stop wanting love. How do i stop wanting to connect with other. Maybe my neurosurgeon doctor knows which part of my cerebrum acts on wanting social connection. He'd always joke of drilling our skull to mess with our brain and ruin our physiology.
Its a curse. A human curse. I'm doomed.
