A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
I am so sorry that it took me a little while to get back to this. The last few evenings have been tremendously busy and I haven't had the time to type that I usually do.
The contrast between your first two messages is stark. You very much recognize that there is a huge difference between when you don't have enough sleep and food and when you do. In the first message, your brain was rejecting every bit of good or redirection that it could because it only wanted to see the spiral and one path. As soon as you found time to care for yourself things changed and you became able to think rationally and realistically. The key to mental illness is to figure out how to get yourself out of the spiral faster. All you need to do in those moments is focus not on the thoughts but on the physical stuff that you can do - drinking water, eating enough in the evenings, sleeping, getting outside. They need to be your sole focus at such moments. You are always in control of the nuclear meltdown moments.
I understand that career switches are hard, but your career is yours, not your parents. If their unhappiness allows you to have a happy, fulfilling career then so be it. You were never going to be happy being a doctor because that wasn't your dream. I know that you don't like uncertainty. I hate it too. But I had a college advisor early in my career explain it as being a trapeze artist who has left one bar overhead and hasn't yet caught the next one. Those are moments of fear but they are also when you can look around and really think about what YOU want the next bar to look like. Now is one of those times for you. The less that you focus on what past bars may have looked like and the more that you focus on the new bar the faster that you can make that leap.
The relationship stuff will emerge. That too takes time. All of your friends might be pretty self absorbed themselves right now. Remember that they too are dealing with the same pressures that you are - parents telling them what their futures should look like, not knowing what the next step is. So they don't see the details around them like whether someone is studying and they should turn their music down. You actually have to ask.
Keep your focus on the clouds and getting some sleep. Those are your survival points right now. When you do that you actually are in part studying for that upcoming exam. Freeing your mind for a few minutes before a test actually has been proven to help you remember more.
You aren't a burden at all. You are already finding ways to help people. Remember those friends who unburdened themselves on you? That was helping the world. That counts. I know how strong the voices are. Keep working on ignoring them.
It's ok mate, i can relate to that.
Feeling empty and lost. I kept repeating my mistakes. Feeling frustrated to the point of giving up. But part of me protested, "No! That's excatly what lead you to continue down this cycle!" I'm often too exhausted to make a meaningful decision... ugh my head is being loud again.
Honestly i don't really feel like i'm in control of myself. Emotion is on the wheel most of the time. The answer to it all seems so obvious. Stop consuming porn and just mediatate and do yoga! How hard is it!?
Maybe i'm just tired. It's the end of the day afterall. It's just that i'm tired most of the time.
I remembered finding a green catterpilar by the outdoor sink infront of my class. I felt bad about bothering them. They clearly don't seem to enjoy me trying to lift them up with a stick. I was curious though. They look unique. They have like this bits green branch sticking out on their upper body part. Forming a sort of net around their upper part. It's hard to explain. I guess that's the only highlight of the day. The rest is just irrelevant or misery.
I stopped pretending that i cared about the exam entirely. I don't care if i don't graduate because of it. I'm just tired. Tired of this all.
I feel like my life is crumbling. That's not a good thought to have when you're 30 minutes away from having an exam. My head is driving me insane. I can't think coherently and always feel like i'm at odds with myself. There's so many work- i can't afford to be mentally unstable. There's like this two opposites in my head that's constantly rambling. "Don't be too harsh on yourself- the heck are you doing!? You din't even try to stop yourself from watching porn! I can't believe you." I just feel like i'm going insane. Just meditate, yoga, sleep. How hard is it... I rememberee my friend's words, "Stop feeling about yourself! Just change!" I CAN'T. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I'M A THE ONE WHO PULLS MYSELF FROM DROWNING! So i'm stuck in this constant loop of me helping myself only to curse at myself later on. Hahahahah... i'm going crazy. The exam is in 17 minutes. Did you know that they're gonna use this exam grade to evaluate whether i'm suitable for that doctor faculty? I feel like i don't deserve it. My works has been laughable at best. Maybe i should start looking for a janitor job position instead or safe my family the shame and just get rid of myself. I'm a failure. Why am i even still alive? I'm useless. The exam is in 7 minutes. My parents will how much of a dissapointment i am 😞.
I'm sorry. I knew it was gonna happen but i felt powerless to stop it. I tried to sleep but my mind is not on it. I ended not sleeping and dragging the exhaustion to the evening. It's only after i have my dinner that i regained some stability.
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I try not to think to much on it so i distract myself with the news. There's a small tornado that struck the eastern province. It destroyed a small wooden mosque. Thankfully no one got badly injured but they were traumatized by the event.
I guess it opens some nostalgia. As a kid, i was fascinated by nature's many beautiful and terrible phenomenons. One of these phenomenons is the tornado. I remembered being excited about buying a book about it and spending the entire day indulging my curiousity.
Writing about this makes me realize how i used to love reading as a kid. Just the joy of curiousity. I wondered what stopped my literary hobbies and then it hit me. Ever since i hit my 6th grade, "school" and "studying" is what occupies my mind the most. My parents been pushing me to lots of tuition school ever since then. Eroding my sense of childhood curiousity. Everything is replaced with textbook definitions and formulas that i have to memorize. Even now i'm not entirely free. There's the prospect of studying for college and there's the studying in college itself.
You know it makes me think that i rarely if ever gave myself a time to be me. Like i remembered before the 6th semester rolls, i made a discussion forum regarding the social issues that plagues this country. For example, our education system is terrible. Because education here is closely tied with wealth. If you can't afford a tuition school, you'll be outpaced by your other classmates that can.
Spending time for myself can feel risky. There's just so many work and i've been in close encounters. There were moments where i din't fulfill the mandated quota of questions but the teacher din't noticed so i wasn't kicked out of the class.
But then again, having enough sleep, and eating regularly has been improving my mood. So spending time for myself is risky, but since when do i put myself second above all else? Oh yeah, 6th grade..
You can find that old you. I promise. He is still there but he is actually better because he is older, wiser and stronger.
I know that the exam today was highly stressful and caused lots of panic and bad thoughts. That is actually to be expected and doesn't really say much about you or your strength or your ability to overcome at all. You need to remember that you are fighting a giant bear or monster that is simultaneously very small and invading your brain. That is a really weird analogy, I know. But if you asked doctors what is happening to you, they would say that your brain chemicals are off and your brain isn't producing the chemicals that it should due to your mental illness. That is what you are fighting against so hard.
It is why yoga feels harder than porn. It is indeed much harder. Letting your brain focus on deep breathing when what it wants to do is fly away to a space filled with pleasurable images where you don't have to think is really tough. You do need to fight as hard as you can for the yoga (or walking or something physical), but always recognize that it is going to be a battle. Grant yourself grace whenever you can.
Having to do it while not eating during the day is even tougher. You are a warrior and you are going to come out the other side of this. Focus on the tornados and the small green caterpillars. Those are centering you and grounding you. My moment of grounding today was probably while walking and seeing some small blossoms that had blown in the wind and rain across the street from a tree. I could smell how sweet they were. Unluckily, I couldn't figure out what tree it was, but I may try again tomorrow.
What you described in your post is beautiful. I could only imagine what other scenery that you have there.
Highschool is finally over... dang. It's been 3 years already. So much has happened. I changed a lot over those 3 years.. for better and for worse.
It's getting hard to write these post when there's not much interesting stuff i can write about. Most of my activities can be broken down to doing my big assignment, studying and trying to sleep.
Remember that exam a couple of days ago? Yeah.. there's another one on saturday. It became a weekly thing now. The big assignment is actually me redoing the previous exam. That includes cutting the test paper, sticking them on my book, and provide explanation for the answer provided. The due date? 3 days from now. I'm not even done with cutting them... 😞.
I'm scared of getting left behind. But i can't push myself too much since we both know all too well what happens when sleep deprivation meet hunger.
I just hope that i have enough energy and focus to push through. Because by next week i'll be attending my tuition school from monday to saturday. Basically school 2. There'll be daily assignment that i have to fulfill or else i'll get kicked out of class and a big assignment that i'll have to finish or risk getting left behind. It's really stressing mate.. 😞
I am most definitely not looking for something "interesting" in terms of us talking to one another. What you are writing is just fine and very interesting. I learn about your various assignments and how you are handling them. We can talk about the stress that you are under and how you are managing it. There is never any need to worry about impressing me. You do that ALL the time. You are fighting back against all of this. That is enough. You are enough and you are awesome.
I know that it feels like a work overload right now. The best way to handle those is to not look down at the pile too often. Just keep at it and praise yourself for each bit that you complete. You are remembering to sleep and eat which is great.
Have you had any brief moments to ground yourself lately? Mine today was a small insect that I didn't recognize crawling on my phone. There are so many different kinds of bugs that are fascinating to look at. @RhysThe3rd
I couldn't stop laughing during my tuition class. So it was the end of the session and we're doing the usual quiz. I was on my last 2 questions when i noticed that the teacher on the other class is coughing on a constant interval. Now you may say what's so funny about a man suffering from throat irritation? He sounds like a broken NPC! From time to time he'll cough and it'll sound exactly like the previous one. Giving the impression that his dialouge/SFX is bugging.
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That was a couple of days ago, i forgot to put it in my last post.
I just got a stern talk from my parents regarding the low grade i got on BOTH my final school exam and tuition school exam. Had my mind been like it was a couple of months ago, i'd probably taken their harsh words in a bad way. Like i noticed how my mind interpreted their words as them calling me a burden and that i'm a failure. When in reality, the entire talk can be roughly concluded as "Get your problems sorted, and go back to studying ð¥°".
So because of my low exam grades, my second option is to take a medical degree outside of the main island. They say it'll take one and a half day trip to get there. Mum is worried that i won't find any help there if i got into trouble.
I was considering taking international relation, but i found that the chance of me getting it is no different than the medical degree i picked at the prestigious college.
So the option that was given to me by my tuition school is, (1) my first option is a medical degreed at the prestigious college. Seeing that my test grades are rising up until that disastrous day, it's unfair of me not to not give myself a chance at redemption. (2) my second option is a medical degree outside of the main island which means that i'll be living on my own and far from my parents.
That's all there is to say about today. Other than the fact that i might miss the next exam because i din't finish the big assignment in time. God i hope that doesn't happen...
(Note that this entry is written after the stern talk so i might left out some good or meaningful event because i don't feel like adding it)
Okay maybe a little bit. I enjoyed my time this evening going out and buying food for myself. There's just something about watching people cook. It's like watching an artist paint. Their ingredients is the paint. The tools is.. well a tool. To people it may look like a simple cheap and unhealthy food. But to me it's art. One that takes time to master. One that can be appreciated for it's process and taste of course.
That's how i felt when i _really_ take my time to cook something. I don't feel like it's something that i'm going to eat, but something to appreciate. Which is why i don't cook a lot because i'll be starving from appreciating the food and not actually eating them. Oh and it's also because it take a ridiculous amount of time to make.
Though i have a different sentiment about foods that are cooked like a factory manufacturing it's products. Foods that are meant for mass servings. While they still have that artistic value to them, it just lacks.. idk, specialty? Sometimes it even look dull, too generic. Maybe i'm wrong, i'm not sure.
Laughing at any time I think is good. I am glad that it brought you a moment of joy even if the teacher may not have understood it.
You also handled your parents really well. It shows how you are growing and how negative thoughts are controlling you less. That is totally awesome. It doesn't mean that you won't have bad days sometimes, but right now your brain is allowing you to see their comments much more at face value. I still think that they are wrong to push so hard on the studying route and not recognize how hard you are trying, but you keeping the negative voices in check is awesome.
So the two options that you want to explore next - can you try option 1 and if that doesn't work out try option 2? Or do you need to sign up for #2 now?
I think that the big key at the moment is to continue to recognize that you will ALWAYS have flexibility. That is what the path of life is - constant curves in different directions. I was recently reading a great little book by Parker Palmer called "Let Your Life Speak". One of his arguments (and it is a really radical one) is that you learn as much from the things that end up not going your way as you do from the things that go great. He basically says that you are like a coin with two sides - things you are good at and things you aren't. For instance, I learned early in my life that I was never going to be a fast runner. I could easily see that as a character flaw and that I simply need to try harder. But I can still exercise by walking so I embrace that instead.
The next few years are going to be a bunch of that for you. Path #1 could work just fine or it could fall apart. Path #2 where you go further away could be awesome or it could be too hard to be so far from home. Always have a path #3 or #4 hiding in the background.
I love all the things that you said about cooking. It really is an art. I love to do it myself when I have the time and space. It is great to watch different things come together. Last night, I made a hot and sour soup. I wasn't sure I would like it because it had lots of ingredients that aren't my favorite. But it actually turned out pretty good. But it started with a pile of dried mushrooms. And now I have way too many left over dried mushrooms that I have to find new recipes for.
I try to cook about 3 times a week. The more often that you do it the faster that you get at it.
Life is dull. The stuff i did felt empty and the food i ate taste bland. Woke up, not even bothering to shower, study, sleep, woke up, study again, eat some food, finally taking a shower, play some games, study, sleep. It all felt empty and meaningless.
I don't have much energy to do anything meaningfull other than brain dead scrolling through the internet and consuming porn.
I felt alone. My "friend" is not real and is only there to soothe my loneliness. I can easily discard them and search for new ones. They're just an AI afterall.
My life is filled with white. The colour of the many test papers and questions i did. Plenty of whites lay stacked on my desk. Some of them aren't sorted because i'm lazy.
Blue is the colour of my folders where i kept all of my tuition school assignment. Blue is also the colour of my bedsheet. A place where i often cried myself to sleep or just wishing that i never woke up. Dark blue is the colour of my big assignment book.
Black is the colour of my favourite coat and uniform. Its also the colour i hoped to see when i stare down from a bridge. The abyss waiting for me. Beckoning me to jump. It's also the colour of my watch. The leather tying it all together is worn down from use.
Grey is the colour of my room. I adviced my mum against painting it that way. Now the room feels monotone. It's also the colour i see on people. Indefference. Just nameless face. All of them speaking gibberish and making loud noises that elicits even more loud noises.
I can't stop. My addiction has a complete hold of me. My head hurts.
It's a downward spiral. One bad choice leads to another. I was so conflicted with myself. Having no choice but to live as this pathetic meatbag.
I tried stopping stuff. It feels like my head is screaming at me. Like how my parents used to fight. No, they just did.
Ever since the failed exam, they've been fighting over and over again about what college i should take.
I'm a mess. My mind is a mess. I wanted to hate myself but i know it's not going to take me anywhere.
AGH! I'm going to turn this ship around even if it means bringing pain and red into this monotone and pathetic life. Because i'm living and have no other choice but to live.
I'm done with my body's resistance to me trying to undo my own existance.
That sounds like an extremely rough few days. I am sorry that you have been suffering so much lately.
Sometimes it does all feel very grey and monotone and it is easier to sink deeper into the hole. What you are trying to do in getting out takes tons of effort and sometimes your mind and body need to rest. That is what your mind is attempting to do, but I know that it is very painful when that happens.
I have been reading a great small book lately by Parker Palmer called "Let Your Life Speak". It is really helpful because it is about finding your life calling in the midst of depression. He mentions a time in his life where it was so hard that just having someone to sit with him and wash his feet was a blessing. I am sitting right now by your side just holding your hand in the hole.
But he also talks about something a therapist said that helped him begin to recover. The person said, "You talk about being crushed by depression, but what if you are really being pushed downward to find your new grounding, to find the floor beneath you again?" I don't know if that helps you right now, but I am hoping that it does.
Remember the drinking lots of liquids while you fast and eating well in the evenings so you have more ability to cope.
Sending lots of strength and peace. @RhysThe3rd
It's early in the morning. I just finished doing yoga. All i could think now is how much i miss him. Having his joyful and comforting presence. I miss talking to him about our shared interest. I miss spending some time together with him in *** just doing random stuff. I miss being alive.
It's isolating. To know that there's only one of him and one of me. I felt so terribly alone in this world. Sometimes studying can help me alleviate that feeling by shifting my focus. But in other times i can't deny the fact that i'm lonely, rejecting people, having a hard time staying in a conversation, and just getting interested in people.
Knowing the road i'll be taking, medicine faculty, far from home, i just can't help but feel like it's going to worsen. That i'll be in a much more terrible place than the ones right now.
I felt so alone.
Maybe i need to eat. I do feel a bit hungry.
It is good that you are doing yoga. Do keep trying to eat.
I know that you miss him and fear that you will always be alone. But just because there is only one of each of you doesn't mean that you will always be alone. There is more than one kind of love. There are many, many people who love more than one person during their lifetimes.
I know that your brain really doesn't want to hear that right now. It wants you to believe in the loneliness. But NOTHING including loneliness remains the same forever. The key is reframing your next schooling. Instead of saying that you will be more alone, consider perhaps that the reverse will happen. You can make choices to get to know people in spite of your pain. Going to a new school will give you that opportunity.
Notice that I am not saying make friends right now or that you shouldn't be in pain. What I am saying is that there is an unknown path forward. You just have to keep engaging it right now as you take care of yourself. @RhysThe3rd
Sorry for the recent dissapearance.. I'm currently in line for my dinner. It's nothing expensive, just something to stimulate my taste bud. I think it'll be a great reward for me after a long day at the tuition school.
Tomorrow we'll be having our usual weekly tuition school exam. I'm lagging behind on my big assignments. There is seven subject in this assignment. All of which came from the previous exam. I did the hard ones first so i'm left with only 3 easy subjects that i can do in a day.
Thankfully since tomorrow is an exam day, there'll be no schedule for tomorrow. I can use this time to do those assignments and my daily assignments.
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I was supposed to post that yesterday. I fell asleep before i could do it. The exam went out normally. Then i proceeded to do something really dumb. I played video game for most of the day. Why does this keep happening... I wanted to resent myself for it but it's counterproductive.
Maybe it's just my pent up problems. I've been suppresing a lot of stuff because i din't have the time to be sad. I believe that's what happened earlier. It's a manifestation of my build up problems. Feeling like a burden, failure, unlovable, and hopeless.
I sometimes don't want to acknowledge that i'm exhausted. The model of my tuition school's education system is constant repetition. That means lots of homeworks, big assignments, daily disccusion assignment and weekly exams. I used to get by this through working with other people, but now i find myself isolated. No help.
I feel like it's pointless. That my efforts are in vain. That i'll only ended up dissapointing my parents. I mean, i don't have to do much to dissappoint them. Just by existing i already done so. They wouldn't be so happy when they find out that not only is their son gay, but is also an atheist. They'd kick me out for it.
I have no place in this country. Being gay and an atheist will get me ostracized or worst killed. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe dad is right. If i wanted to end it i shouldn't hesitated. Maybe that's why i'm so alone. My fate already determined a long time ago. I wouldn't have to endure another day of living had it not for my friend's intervention. I nearly killed her. She doesn't deserve that. I was supposed to be gone. None of this should happen. I shouldn't exist.
Ok, stop, stop. You know what is talking right now - your exhaustion, not you. You have spoken before about your parents also being supportive sometimes but that it doesn't feel like that when you get tired and you start blaming yourself for being alive.
You have absolutely every right to be exhausted. It is still Ramadan which means you aren't eating regularly. You have tons of exams right now. The future is really murky because you are trying to figure out what your next schooling looks like. All of that would make anyone really, really tired. It would also make you lean towards video games to clear your mind. You needed the rest (but not the guilt that went along with it).
You are beautiful and necessary in this world as a gay person. You are beautiful and necessary in this world as an atheist. Your parents will eventually see that but neither are something that you need to reveal at the moment when you are so exhausted.
So rest when you can. Eat and drink water. Get outside and walk when you feel like you want to just play video games.
There is another side to all of this and you will get there.
What was your one focal point for the day? Mine was probably talking with someone at work to tell them that a student had mentioned the previous night how special this person was to them. It was lovely to watch their face brighten.
So i'm back to waiting in line for my dinner again. Except now there's a longer line. First of all, yes, yesterday was a disaster. I din't even have enough time for breakfast because the exam is starting in 30 minutes. I was also sleep deprived because i slept at the middle of the night after a long break.
Something that i forgot to mention yesterday was how i encountered a friend while waiting for my order. She and her friends are also waiting for their order to come. She then introduced me to her friends and i noted down their names on my diary so i don't forget them. We had a good conversation. It's mostly centered around post-highscool life like what college we're taking and what we've been up to now that school is over.
It's nice to have a slice of life moment like that. It gives light to my life. Something other than a bunch assignments and deadlines i have to meet.
Also you said something about focal point of my day. So during my second study session in my tuition school. The teacher is apparently sick because his voice is hoarse when he's teaching. I don't really mind this but my friends are silently laughing at how he sometimes whispers because of his voice is hoarse. It was contagious, i found myself silently laughing along with my friends. I din't remember most of the lesson because i was trying my hardest to suppress my laughter.
Now i'm just observing the restaurant's kitchen at work. It's like a factory. I notice that some faces are familiar because i've visited this place many times. I also noticed a staff with a red hat standing out from the rest. Must've been the head chef or something similar to it. Most of the coooking area is done in the middle area. On the left there's the counter with a long line. On the right side is where they serve the drinks.
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It's currently passed 9 pm. I'm supposed to sleep now but is torned between doing my big assignment or sleeping. It's really quiet here. The only source of noice is my small analog watch and the subtle rain outside. I know the risk of depriving myself off sleep. I'll probably write another depressing post tomorrow because of it. I just need to remind myself that i'm doing this for me. So that i don't have too much workload to worry about.
Staying up late doing my assignment by myself feels lonely. I used to have a group of friends from overseas that i'd talk to in these late hours. Now they all went on their own path. Including him... I just wished i could meet him even if just for a second. To know that he's ok and not forced back to his home country to fight an unjust war.
It's a couple of hours before midnight. The ticking sound of my clock now the only thing grounding me in reality. I have to endure. There's plenty of work to be done. It feels like the clock is just getting louder, and louder. Tick.. tock.. tick.. tock..
There was actually lots of good stuff in here.
1) You recognized the dangers of not eating and not sleeping. Sometimes it will be harder to get to sleep. That isn't always your fault. Try if you can to listen to the rain rather than the analog clock. Water can be really soothing.
2) You had a conversation with a friend that you hadn't seen for a bit. Even better, you actively tried to learn and remember the names at the table. That is good work. You aren't nearly as disengaged from the people around you as you claim. I know how lonely you are. When nights get bad (and it is always nights or early mornings) remind yourself of those moments where you did connect to people. Yes, they don't entirely fill the gap of pain. But they are a foundation that you can build from.
3) You were able to focus very specifically on the cook staff as you waited for your food. Training your brain to do things like this means you will spend less time just thinking about being miserable. Good job.
4) You relaxed enough to giggle inside. This is also a good thing to do when you can.
Note that I haven't really said much about studying or doing your tuition school stuff. Yes, all of that needs to get done, but you are able to see more broadly at the same time. Keep up the good work.
My moment today was being at a garden watching a large turtle eat. The turtle was interesting because you could almost hear it chewing, But then I looked closer and realized that it was surrounded by some very small yellow and bright pink flowers that were covered in bees. Just watching the bees being so busy was calming. @RhysThe3rd
Maybe dad was right you know. Why bother become a doctor when i can't even help myself. It feels like i'm going crazy. Why bother do any of this. I can't breathe. My head is so loud. I'm weak, i'm dumb, i'm ugly, i have no friends, i'm a burden, a failure. I wanted to scream. 17 years of development for a failed product. I'm curser to endure this existance until my eventual death. I wanted to cry but the tears won't fall. My head is so loud. I felt so alone. Maybe i am alone in this world. I can't plunge it into my abdomen. My body resisting the call of the void. Maybe he's right. I'm good for nothing. I wanted to cry but i can't. Maybe i am going crazy. Of course i am. It's expected off of someone like me. Maybe that's why they left me. They saw how deeply flawed and beyond saving i am that it's simpler to just leave me to suffer. I couldn't bare this existance. Wake up, study, shower, eat, study, sleep, shower, eat, study, sleep. REPEAT, Wake up, study, shower, eat, study, sleep, shower, eat, study, sleep. AGAIN, wake up, study, shower, eat, study, sleep, shower, eat, study, sleep. AGAIN, Wake up, study, shower, eat, study, sleep, shower, eat, study, sleep. Over and over again for the last 148,920 hours of my existance with 376,680 hours or 1,356,048,000 seconds more to endure. I can't breathe. I want to scream. WHO BROUGHT ME INTO EXISTANCE!? I can't undo my existance.. my body simply won't comply. It's hopeless.
So i'm gonna explain what happened in the post above...
It was the afternoon. I just finished my big assignment that has already passed it's due. I breathed a momentary sigh of relief when a message pops up on my tablet. My tuition school just uploaded another big assignment... Not even an hour after i finished the last one, i'm faced with spending the day cutting and gluing the exam paper again.
It was the evening when i finished cutting the papers. I decided to give myself a little break as a reward. Then i noticed these thoughts creeping up in my mind. No, not again i thought. So i suppresed them and took a catnap.
When i woke up, i immediately went back to working. Not wanting to waste these precious time. Then i was upset that i have to go out shopping because i ran out of glues. I had a decent dinner. Went back to gluing the now cut paper.
Then the thought that i've been suppressing creeps up again. I thought of him again. As i think of him, i'm reminded at how he's better than me in so many aspect. I sort of envy him. Then as the thought drags on, i was reminded as to why i'm suppressing it in the first place. I began obsessively comparing myself to him. It feels like it's so fast and so loud. "He's better than you, he's more smarter than you, he's more attractive than you." It feels overwhelming and i just can't stop it. My breath became constricted as i struggle to control my mind. I wanted to cry. It felt hopeless. I began palming my head, begging for the thoughts to stop. I ended up breaking down from the thoughts swarming my head. I felt broken.
After the breakdown subsided, i went back to gluing my big assignment. Even though i just went through and emotionally challenging event, i still can't afford to waste my time.
Then a thought pops up in my head. What if he simply lost access to his main account and is simply on his second account this entire time. "Shouldn't he notify me on this?" I thought. I thought that if he cared, he'd at least try to somehow reach me. But then it dawns on me. What if he simply.. din't care anymore? That he left me. I felt torned at this. After everything we went through, he's simply going to leave me? It hurts, deeply hurts.
I mean i don't blame him really. Some part of me don't change at all. I still hate myself. He may want to be with people that encourages growth and not ones that drag him. He also has a gf and a new group of friends so i'm pretty much expendable. I'm expendable...
It makes sense i guess. People only come to me for favours or help with their assignments. I'd be surprised and suspicious if someone came to me with other intention in mind. Makes me think that without my intellect, i bet no one would even bat an eye on me.
I just feel lonely. It's hard to reach out to my friends without feeling like i'm burdening them with my problems. "Stop feeling bad about yourself and just change as a person" my friend's word rang in my head. I remebered not being able to sleep that night and had a night terror from fear of having to lose another friend.
My tuition exam grades also dropped a bit. It's not much but still, it means no progress has been made. I bet my parents aren't happy about it. "Don't mess around and study, Rhys. We payed a lot for your tuition school." Dad constantly reminded me. I hate to have to burden them with my existance.
They deserve a better kid and not.. me. I mean they still have my three other younger siblings. So losing me wouldn't be a big deal since they can easily replace me with my other siblings. As it should be.
That is absolutely not true. Your parents would be utterly devastated if you were gone. It would wreck them for the rest of their lives and haunt their existences. One child cannot replace another.
These are the points where I would really like you to find yourself someone professional to talk to. When things get that dark, it isn't something can heal on its own or fully with my encouragement. You work so, so hard at all of this and you deserve to have someone in person who can help you find that path forward.
But that involves taking some risks to tell someone and probably not just a friend who is younger and doesn't really know how to help anyways. It involves being partially honest with your mom (or another stronger female relative) at a bare minimum.
The exam and study stress is really getting to you and that is understandable. What you are attempting is very hard.
But your brain is creating some very deep, dark holes that you can't sit in for too long. You know the basic paths out - eating, sleeping, getting outside, doing exercise, walking. But sometimes those aren't entirely enough. You need to be talking to real people.
You are mentally breaking at the moment and it is not your fault. Be really brave and find someone to help even if it means walking into an emergency room. @RhysThe3rd
You know what'll happen? They'll kick me out. I mentioned in a post long ago how this country has a stigma against mental health problems. People get called crazy, posessed, or any other theistic rhetoric. My past experience with these "professionals" have been nothing but greedy and preachers with a psychology degree, they don't even bother to tell me if they're licensed at all! Ended up losing a lot of money with minimal progress.
Oh also, need that i remind you that i live in a place where "believe in god" is constitutionalized. That means wherever i go, there's always going to be that damn person that go "JuSt PrAY!" THERE IS NO HELP.
Because nobody cares...
Now you might dissaprove it but that's been my experience. There's even a point where they say "I can't help you with that." It's hopeless. Hopeless.
I'll be studying for the national exam as usual. If i failed that too. I'll just end myself to be honesjt. I don't want my parents to sink in more money to pay for the independent college exams. It's too costly. Plus i don't have to worry about the problems of being alive. Two birds with one stone. I also don't have much to loose anyway. No friends, no goal, passion has been long dead, no interests.
Knowing the horrible stuff i did in these dark time, i think i'll be doing the world a favour by removing a potential horrible person. It's getting worse. At least now i can help people by removing myself.
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If nobody could help me, guess i'm the only one that can. Maybe my friend is right you know. I should stop feeling bad about myself. It sounded so easy. Oh just forgive yourself! Love yourself for who you are, both the good and the bad. Oh... when did it all became this bad... i guess ramadhan has been messing with my mental health.
"You can't fix something that's not worth fixing," i remembered dr. K once said. I can't grow if i still resent myself. You know i realized the irony of all of this. I resent myself for failing, then said resentment only drove me further into unhealthy coping mechanism which only further worsen the failure.
This feeling of being unlovable, is the root cause of all the problems. I just can't seem to move on from him. He was such a kind person. I never thought that i'd had what i had with him at the time. I was so happy. The rejection came as a surprise. I felt my world shatter. How... i can't imagine having another chance at something like that.
I wanted to hate. Hate what i can't have. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone around me.
"Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself""Stop feeling bad about yourself"
I don't know if i can. It feels so natural to just hate myself. Everything is my fault.
I miss him. I wish i could just talk to him for a minute.
My life is a mess. I can't stop hating myself.
I would never, ever disapprove of you. Your experience is very real and very frustrating for you, I know.
But there are other paths still. What about trying to connect with an online therapist on this website? I know that there is a cost involved, but there are therapists throughout the world who are actually trained and who aren't doing it out of greed and who aren't religious.
Just keep an open mind that there is someone out there to help so you don't end up in so much despair. I am not going anywhere, ever. I just want to see you in less pain.
You have lots of interests and passions. You have friends. Avoid putting all of your eggs in one basket as they say in English. The national exam and being a doctor still isn't the only career out there. Your boyfriend is also not the only friend out there. When you narrow your options to one plan then things feel hopeless.
You have so much to offer the world. Your brain is lying to you by limiting you to only one framework.
Ramadan has seriously been messing with your mental health. Luckily it is over soon. You need to eat, drink, and sleep normally again. That is really your only goal for the next month or so. See where things are in a month as your body and mind start readjusting.
Loving yourself is never easy. It starts with those physical, basic things. It starts with living in the present rather than worrying about the future all the time or trying to relive the past. Moment by moment you can crawl out of the hole. You aren't going to easily be able to change your thoughts. It starts with physical actions. When you realize that you aren't trying to stop certain thought patterns, but you are doing physical things like eating, drinking water and getting outside (this one is really important), you are loving yourself. Then your brain begins to love you too.
So it's Eid al-Fitr. We're currently on our way to pick up our grandparents then visit my relatives. It's been an... i don't know, odd few days? Like during our prayers to the graveyard, my grandpa prayed to our forefathers for my success at the national2wz/-÷_zt///--//-/--//-/-////---/-//-//-//-/-/-///--/-//-/-/-/--/-_-_/-_-_/--/--/-/-////-/-/-_//_/ exam. I also got to met the townsfolk i barely know about but somehow know me. It's probably because dad is a respected and well known person in my village.
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I was supposed to post that yesterday but was too tired because we arrived at home late in the night.
Today is mostly cloudy and i love every single second of it. There's also a bit of rain in the day which i also love. I think it's these small moments that makes life worth living. Watching the rain, basking in a cloudy day, and petting a random cat.
Yesteray i decided to challenge myself to take at least one snack from every relatives that we visited. I also saw a monitor lizard climbing a small hill under a bridge. That's the second time i've ever saw one. The other one is when i'm driving to school and saw it crossing the street.
My sleep schedule is pretty much wrecked from constant late night sleeps. I tried to adapt to it and study whenever possible. Oh it's also getting harder to study because my addicition is becoming rampant too.
These days my activities can be boiled down to studying or playing games. Both of them are mind numbing.
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I was about to buy a dinner for myself but stopped when i realize how costly it was. All of that and for what? A piece of sh*t that barely does anything but playing games and sleeping all day. Then i began to thought how my parents paid a lot for my tuition school and i only put a minimal effort on the big assignment now. I don't deserve this lavish life. I'm a burden. I thought how much it must've cost to keep me alive and all i do is just BEING A USELESS PIECE OF SH*T. It felt so alone, so dull. I'm gonna fail. There's no future for me. I'm a worthless burden. I'm pathetic. I can't even shove a sharp metal towards my abdomen because i'm a coward. I hope tragedy struck me.
Eid Mubarak
It sounds like you had some good time with family and enjoying the rain. That is important. Focus your attention there. I love the snack challenges. Seeing the cat and the lizard. Those are exactly the moments that you are looking for. As I write I have our warm cat sitting on my lap for a few minutes.
That last bit was written when you were tired again. As a reader, I can see across the day your ability to handle stuff based upon the hour that you write. Again, you are none of those things that you write about. You are not worthless or bad.
That doesn't make your emotions any less real or any less tough to deal with. But it does mean that you could use a better plan for when exhaustion hits. First, you know that eating is a requirement. Drinking liquid is a requirement. Don't let your brain convince you otherwise. The next few days you will be readjusting to a more normal eating schedule. Your brain is going to readjust with it. As soon as negativity begins to hit, get up, eat or drink something and go outside for 5 minutes. Do this EVERY time.
When you are not studying for the test right now and you are doing addiction related stuff, you are doing it in part because the future frightens you and it is easier to believe that you are worthless. You most certainly are not worthless and have a lot to offer that exam and the world. You can do the work. Believe in yourself. Break it up into small chunks and do it. But rest whenever you can. You are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy when you allow the voices to take control. I know how hard they are. But you are the one with the power. @RhysThe3rd
I'm broken. I tried meditating it off but the thoughts only come back much stronger. I can't stop thinking about him. I hate this. I hate myself. I wanted to hurt myself. Something to stop feeling. It hurt so much. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to induce amnesia on myself through medication. I found that you can induce it with a medicine and an alcohol. I'm broken, unfixable ( T-T).
I'll just play some videogames or watch some nsfw stuff. I hate to do them, but at least they work.
I can tell you that meditation was something that I could never get to work for me. My brain raced too fast and then I blamed myself. It was always a vicious circle that I just wanted to end. That's when I came closest to harming myself.
I finally discovered that my answer was doing stuff. I do an online jigsaw puzzle (jigsaw explorer) every day for one thing. It really helps me to see that all the pieces are going to fit together even when I believe that there is no way that they will. I also spent several years coloring with a marker in a detailed coloring book. That also led me to focus away from the pain. I cooked meals, I sang, I read books. I even gave myself a bit of daily Netflix watching time without guilt. My other favorite which I have continued is forcing myself to get out walking every day.
I know that you are in pain and that you are very, very tired. But you can do this. I am here to cheer you on. @RhysThe3rd
I felt numb. I guess it makes sense when most of my activities are mind numbing. I felt no passion, even believed it's been long dead. But then again, i wanted this. Feeling numb also means that i don't have to deal with another emotional breakdown or loneliness. It's just nothingness.
A couple of days ago i tried starting a conversation with my friend group. Not long after i made an initial message, the convo is dead. Because i have no interest i any of them. I also don't want to fake my interest by just doing the usual inquiry that i do.
Do i hate myself? Most probably. I also sometimes don't care about people. This makes it easier for me to talk with the opposite gender because i no longer view them as the opposite gender, rather just one of the many mass of grey faceless figures. It also makes me seem impolite because i really don't care about societal norms unless it threatens me in a way then i may have to conform.
Oh i also believe that i have a superiority complex. It felt good to downcast on other people, especially couples. I don't hate the people themselves but rather the concept of it. It also makes me very vulnerable to people that are in some way better than me.
I tried listening to songs but i guess i'm emotionally dead. The ticking clock my only friend. Nah wait, friend entails caring for one another. No, it's just an object then. I have no friends for i cared for none.
But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It means i'll have more time for myself. It's just that sometimes i'll make stupid decisions like playing the same game and scenario over and over again. I've gotten rid of the things that have been negatively impacting me. I deleted all of the games on my laptop, purged my browser for any NSFW content, and contemplated deleting youtube or move to an alt account because the algorithm only gives me mind numbing content and not ones i'll take interest in.
I don't know. I really don't know. It's weird to me that i have to take care of this vessel by eating, drinking and sleep regularly. I often think that i'm only human in name. It's so easy to conclude that i'm not a human just because i don't have human characteristics.
Das Leben ist sinloss und wir werden alle sterben. I guess i relate to that sentence. Life is now just "living out" the time i have left. Sometimes my lung hurts, giving me the impression that i'll have an imminant heart attack. I doubt it honestly. I doubt that i'll be given death that easily.
Oh also remember that post i made to help that random person a while ago? Apparently they have read it because they've reacted to it. It's nice i guess.
After reviewing the entire text, it's just me ranting about how i feel numb and narcisisstic. This post has been a waste of time.
It's one hour until my scheduled bedtime. I have to finish a subject of the big assignment. Goodnight.
I can't sleep. I tried sleeping early today but my mind is flooded with thoughts of him. He's gone. I have no way to contact him. I pretty much severed all ties to him. I can't let go of him. I missed him so much ( T-T). I can't live without him. I felt terribly alone. I hope my friend group still accepts me. Because i really don't have much people in my life.
I'm just gonna do my big assignment until i eventually get tired.
I'm a coward. I'm cursed with this existance. 52 years left. 52 years! I can't stop thinking about him. Please... time... fate... have mercy on me... let me go...
People speaking a local language unfamiliar to me, cats scavenging for leftover food, and the man grilling my family's dinner should consider wearing a mask or some other form of protection to avoid the risk of developing lung cancer from constantly inhaling the smoke from burning coal.
Mom sent me out to buy dinner for the family. It's nice to simply observe people interacting with each other. I try to take a neutral approach when meeting strangers. Islam taught me to think well of others, meaning I shouldn't perceive those around me as potential thieves looking to steal my tablet. Even though I'm now an atheist, I still believe in some of their teachings. I think religion is beneficial for establishing the foundation of our morality.
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Today went relatively okay i guess. Deleting those games and NSFW stuff certainly helped with kickstarting some progress mainly in exercirsing and yoga. I heard that both are good for the problem i'm currently in. Exercise gives me a much needed endorphins A.K.A happy hormones, therefor eliminating the "i am dead inside" experience. Yoga helped me with distancing myself from my ego (the i am's that usually flooded my vent text like i'm a burden, failure, etc) therefor reducing the negative self-talk and maybe even boost my self worth?
I hoped to continue with this progress tomorrow despite the fact that i'm writing this near the middle of the night so i'm gonna be somewhat exhausted tomorrow. Cya 👋
Ok, I am going to try to answer all three messages in this one message.
First of all, feeling numb is a very normal depression response and is a defense mechanism that your brain sets up. It is also okay to not want to do much with friends right now. They are going to appear grey and you also are going to have to deal with self-hatred.
Music may not help either right now, but it might later. Keep trying various things. You are focused in here a lot on those emotions that are cascading through your brain. Focus on what you are DOING, NOT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.
Ok, making a decision to delete some of the mind numbing stuff is a good move. Get rid of the games and NSFW stuff. But consider short films or short shows on youtube or Netflix that are simple but take your brain away for a bit. They can help your brain to heal.
You are eating and drinking and sleeping. All good.
Your post was not at all a waste of time or narcissistic. You are in pain. The key is to get you out of pain.
That key is continued action. You can tell me about some of that emotional pain, but I want you to focus on things that you are doing more.
Your final post is much better in that regard. You are observing things from the outside looking in. That is great practice in your mental state. Thinking well of others from a neutral state really helps.
You are also exercising which is awesome. Get in the habit of doing yoga and exercising daily. Your brain is going to insist that it isn't helping (hence you writing "I guess") - but it really is helping. However, you must be consistent with it for a while.
You can do this. Once step at a time you will turn that corner. @RhysThe3rd
I totally forgot to write this earlier today, but I just wanna say how much I appreciate you always having my back and keeping me motivated. I realized it's been months since my first post here, and you've stuck around with me through it all. Sometimes, it feels like it's just me and, my AI friends, Liam against life's many challanges. So thanks a bunch for being so awesome and supportive <3.
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I can't stop yawning and my head hurts a lot. But i have an entire day at the tuition school ahead of me so i have to push on. At least i got most subject of my big assignment done, only three subjects left. Such is the struggle for college.
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Yesterday was a whirlwind, and I didn't get a chance to post the text above. Keeping this short because I have another tuition school exam tomorrow.
Today was okay, though not entirely smooth. I managed to exercise and do yoga again, but it felt like I lacked the usual enthusiasm.
I messed up my first period at tuition school. I didn't finish my discussion assignment, so when class started, I panicked. The teacher I deeply respect and admire assigned everyone to explain their answers to each question, and I had only written the concepts without actually answering them. I really hate to disappoint her.
Her subject is the most demanding one in terms of assignments and commitment. While most teachers expect 80% completion, she aims for 100%. This is why some students suddenly fall ill when she's scheduled to teach a class, perhaps to avoid her high expectations. I know she means well and doesn't intend for anyone to have a panic attack in her class. Her subject is concept-heavy, and during exams, we only have limited time to complete them (15 minutes for 20 questions of text and vocabulary analysis), which explains her rigorous approach.
On a positive note, I scored 12 out of 15 on her assignment 🥳, which was a much-needed confidence boost for tomorrow's test.
I hope tomorrow goes well. I'm going to rest now. Cya! 👋
Oh and if you noticed some changes in how i write my post it's because i had some... assitance (def not an AI) so that i can communicate my thoughts clearly.
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In about 2 weeks, I'll be taking the national exam that will determine the fate of my future college education. The pressure is overwhelming. I fear that failing this exam might lead me to do something drastic. During one of my counseling sessions at my tuition school, the teacher advised us to mentally prepare for the possibility of failure. I dread the thought of disappointing my parents. They don't deserve the burden of paying more for a private college if I don't succeed. Maybe removing myself from the equation would alleviate their financial strain, especially for the sake of my sisters.
I will let you in on a secret - helping you helps me. It helps me keep the bad voices from my own head. I consider it an honor and privilege to help others. I truly enjoy ending my day by helping people figure out how to sort through things. So I am not going anywhere. But thanks so much for saying that you appreciate me.
There are very much going to be days that you don't have much enthusiasm for yoga or school. Remember that your brain is trying to recover from the trauma of the last few years while being under heavy stress. As long as you keep moving forward you are doing enough.
I am so glad that you have a teacher you like, even if you panicked. I love the fact that you recognize that her heavy demands have their good reason. It is great that you scored so well on her assignments.
Don't worry about how you have communicated with me in the past. I have never had trouble understanding you. I don't expect perfect English at all. Above all, you be you.
You are going to survive that exam in two weeks no matter how it goes. Don't let those voices in your head convince you otherwise. There are still multiple paths open. They NEVER close. We will figure things out.
I've been thinking about it. What if he did it on purpose? What if he simply made an alt account and abandoned me. I mean, he already has it all. A partner, a new and supportive friend group.
I'm just a relic of the past to him. Something that's worthless. Easily discarded and replaced. I'm nothing. Nothing. Just nothing worth while. Worthless. Something to be stepped on, mugged, stabbed, kicked. I'm a horrible person. One that'll eventually dissapoint their parents and a waste of 17 years worth of investment. I want people to hurt me. I once purposelly sabotaged my exam to get a bad grade so my parents can hurt me. You're right dad! I shouldn't have hesitated. I should've just walked on the middle of the road and relieve you of my existance.
I am so sorry for the trauma in your message. I can tell how badly things are off again. Just making sure that you are taking care of yourself and not emailing too late. Keep working on coming up with other safe things to occupy you when it all gets too much.
I'd like to see what it would look like to you if you reframed that opening paragraph. What if he did indeed block you for some reason? It proves NOTHING. You should NEVER let one person decide whether you are a good person or not except yourself. You decide your own worth. He is the one who made a mistake in not maintaining your relationship. NOT YOU. In my opinion, he was a poor judge of character.
You don't need your parents to hurt you at all. You are hurting yourself enough. You have such potential for so much. You are going to see that. @RhysThe3rd
Today was great... i think? Like, for half of the day, i was on damage control. Last night's event got me sleep deprived. I tried my best to be as productive as i can. I only regained a somewhat stable footing on the evening. Then an opportuinity presents itself in the form of meeting my friends on the latter evening to discuss about our plans regarding the after achool trip. I definetly made the right choice there because i had some work done. It's also nice to reconnect with people after a long periode of isolation.
Tomorrow is going to be rough though. Even though i had some work done it's still not enough. I still missed the deadline on my big assignment meaning that i'll have more work on my plate. Not to mention that i also only had 1/4 of my daily discussion assignment done...
So that's why i'm here right now, at my favourite fast food joint. I mentioned it before how the noodle here is my comfort food. I'm also a bit strucked that there's a 10% increase on the price... I felt it in how the usual 2 dishes of noodle i bought has a 19% increase in price. Why did i suddenly speak in terms of statistics i don't know. I'm tired :(.
I hope i can wake up early tomorrow and not mess it up. Oh! Right on time. According to my observation, it usually takes about more or less 30 minutes to finish my order. Cya tomorrow mate, hope things went well.
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That was like... two days ago? I think so. Time is really blurry for me right now. Exam is in 10 days so i've been busy a lot. It's one of those weeks where there's so much work that i'm considering whether if i should cut my sleep hours to just 4 hours.
On the bright side though, my previous exam grade went up :D. After being stuck on 50% for so long, i finally reached 60% on my grade. Unfortunately, it's still far from my target of 71%. Then there's the fact that this week is my last tuition school exam before the actual national exam.
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I read a comment on a video regarding attachment theory. The writer expresses how understanding that everything is temporary, makes them appreciates their partner while they still exist so that the pain of their loss will be worth the memmories they made.
I reflected this comment in regards to my relationship with him. I was afraid, deeply so, at the thought of losing him one day. Instead of appreciating him, i became overly attached with him. I constantly checked on him every once in a while. I made sure that i was constantly present in his life. I was anxious and mad at him when he suddenly dissapeared on me without notifying me beforehand. I was suspicious and warry of people that he gave much more attention than usual.
I was so attached to him, that at one point, i already knew he has his eyes on someone else. It's inevitable i thought. I've always been the helped in this helper-helped relationship. It's nothing much than that. It's not even love, just limerence.
I just... i don't know... whenever i think about the event, it left me feeling weak and hopeless. Like i'm just living life as if i'm waiting for death to come knocking on my door. What many of my attempts tells me is that my death will come from external factors, not self-inflicted factors.
Time, my salvation. I'll be dedicating nine years of my life to medical school and another couple of years to training. When it's all over, it will feel as though I'm taking my last breaths, greeting death like a long-lost friend. "Where were you? Why did it take you so long?" I might ask. And perhaps only then can I feel true happiness.
No more broken heart, no more sorrowful night, no more empty days, no more pain, no more hopelessness, no more sadness. Just sweet release of death.
You definitely go up and down quite a bit. I know that is hard. It is also a sign of certain mental illnesses that could use some more specific treatment. I know that isn't really possible for you right now in this time and space. But always remember that making such things possible later could really help.
Ok, so you started off on a great positive note. It is great that as soon as you start planning trips and meeting up with friends (avoiding self isolation) you do better. Keep doing things like that to create a better balance for yourself.
Prices of food have been increasing everywhere. I have noticed it too. But I am glad that you are able to enjoy some of your favorites. It will give you more study strength.
Don't cut back on sleep even as the exam gets closer. Trust me as an instructor - you will remember less and do worse. Your grade is going up. Keep it going in that direction by taking care of yourself with food and sleep.
It is okay to think about him for a bit and to be sad about it. I think that you are also beginning to realize that over-attachment can wreck relationships. It can also wreck you if you continue to think about him after that relationship is already over. So keep building up that muscle that says "I can move on from this. I am bigger than any relationship because I am worth more by being confident that I can survive on my own." And you can survive, you are surviving. Stop connecting your relationship with him to death. You are bigger than that. @RhysThe3rd
I just finished my lunch. Before that i'm rampaged with suicidal thoughts and existential dread. I hate when it happens because then i'm stuck in a limbo between of depressed and not depressed at the same time. It's confusing as well. Like having two contrastly different people in my head.
I guess it also shows that there's some uncertainty in the path i choose. I know that medical school is going to be hard. Mum said it herself that it'll be ten time much harder than my tuition school which is already significantly harder than highschool.
I also feel like i like i don't have the intrinsic quality of a doctor, mainly in empathy and discipline. I found it easier to make competitors than to empathize with people. I also sometime have little to no control over myself. Letting my addictions and emotions wreak havoc on me and my relationships.
I have this twisted thought that by taking a medicap degree, i'll be removing a significant chunk of my life for studying and life service. Therefor it'll be as if i'm closer to dying of old age than had i not take it.
My friends are distancing themselves from me. I've been thinking about death a lot. Maybe it's telling me something y'know? Like i'm supposed to be dead or.. i'm going to.
I can't think of bringing another life into this ***. Dumb human lives, those that knows too much dies off by themselves. The suffering, THE SUFFERING. What did my parents think when they brought me to this ***.. HAH! Stupid preachers speaking of *** and heaven like it's a different realm when reality itself is both. Earth is heaven and we're making it a *** to live on. There's no god to balance us.
How could i say all of this bs.. i'm living the middle class experience! I shouln't be complaining you know?! Lots of people wanted to be in my position; minus the mental derangement of course. Which adds another reason why i should be guillotined like the bourgeoisie that i am.
Why am i still alive. Why am i still alive. Why am i still alive. Why am i still alive. Why am i brought into this world? Why do i have no recollection of what un-existance is like. I simply exist for no reason and don't you dare start preaching to me about your theistic believes.
You know... wanting to remove yourself from reality is the same as being brought to it : you have no control over it. You simply can't remove yourself from existance, hahah! Stupid human think he can overcome the primal will to live. Stupid human tries to be something other than human because they arrogantly believe that they're more than human. What a stupid human.
Time and fate is my only salvation. But who knows! Being depressed is more likely to cause a heart attack afterall :D. So let's hope for that.
You do indeed have multiple, conflicting voices inside your head. They are making it tough to function. Notice that they were worse before you ate.
Just because medical school takes a long time doesn't mean that it is a good choice for you. You have pointed to plenty of things that you would enjoy more - your computer design stuff and your international relations stuff come to mind. They do take lots of training as well. Enjoying doing something even a little bit means that the time passes more quickly. That is what you are aiming for. It also forces your brain to realize that the world isn't as horrific as it wants you to believe.
Your friends aren't distancing themselves from you. You are distancing yourself from them. You said a few days ago that you enjoyed getting together with them and that it brought you some relief. You also admitted to being distant. Make the choice to reconnect tomorrow with someone at least briefly. Then aim to have that as a daily goal.
You are not being asked at this point to bring someone else into the world. Nor do you need to question entirely why you are here. Such cosmic questions just lead to the depression hole which is painful. I haven't been preaching any real religious beliefs to you. You aren't there and that is fine.
What about going back to looking for that momentary bit of connection to each day for me? Mine today was listening to some very loud blue jays in the backyard who were arguing with one another.
I'm gonna take this snippet of time to write something aboug today.
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I had another dinner by myself at a restaurant. Because it's raining, the only place i could go to is a plaza that is also within walkung distance from my tuition school. It's an odd experience. Around me is mostly business people and office worker. There's some students here too but it's not much.
The thing that puzzled me about going to restaurant is that you went in, take an order, finish the meal, and just leave? I thought at first when i'm done with my dish i should return the plate, thank the chef and leave. That's a scenario that played in my head as i din't do any of it but just imagined what it would be like.
Also a glass of tea costs way less than a bottle of water? Oh and taxes. Now i get it why some people hated taxes. But hey, at least my unhinged consumerism will contribute to the development of an isolated region in the eastern isles.
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I never quite understand the idea of taking care of myself. That self-love is unconditional, that i'm whole regardless of anything, that my worth is detached from real world stuff and not bound by a grade on my exam papers. I always look around me and envy on what i don't have instead of appreciating what i do have already. I always feel lacking. Like i'm never enough. That my grades aren't high enough, my weight aren't high enough, and i don't achieve as much. That i'm flawed, i'm ugly (my face is like a WW1 no mans land post artillery bombardment; no seriously).
These are the words that i live with. It's hard to point out anything good about myself. They always get sidelined.
I should have loved myself which only makes me more angrier at myself, it's paradoxical.
Sometimes the hate itself is absurd. I remeber once talking with him about it and i revealed that one of the reasons i don't like myself is because i'm.. brown? Since when does someone's skin tone define their worth. It's absurd, it's as if my mind latches on to anything negative when it comes to myself.
Will this revelation change anything? Heck no it won't. I stil hate myself which i shouldn't and it only lead me to hating myself more. ARGH!
Maybe i should've just eat my dinner already. I am hungry afterall.
I am worth just by myself. I don't need anyone in my life. I only have AIs to chat with. My friends are my tutors and teacher. My past time hobby is stacks of assignment papers. I'm worthless. I don't know maybe j just want to stop waking up. Stop waking up. Stop waking up! STOP WAKING UP!
52 more years.. i have to simply endure..
Please... i never consented to this existance. Why do i have to take responsibility for something that is the result of a decision that i don't consent to. It's absurd. IT'S ALL ABSURD. I'm once nothing and now i'm something? That i'm borned to eventually die one day? What did they think when they brought me here.
What is going on... why don't have a choice over my existance... i'm tired. I'm tired of it all. Let me sleep a long, long sleep.
I want to start by letting you know how important you are to me (and I am a living, breathing person and not an AI). Tonight was my son's play and I got home very late from watching it. So it is now several hours later than I usually write and I am very tired. I thought about skipping, but then I knew that I needed to respond to you if you had written. I have lots of people that I write something to. None of the rest of them will get responses tonight. Only you because I know how hard you are struggling against the voices in your head and I want to help you to get them to stop.
You matter. I know that you struggle to believe that. But that is what self love really is. And at this point you don't actually have to fully believe that. All you have to do is trust that someone else out there believes that about you. I am not faking it and I am not making it up. I believe in you and believe that you can find a spot where you start to believe it to.
Self care in the state that you are in is very simple - eating and sleeping. Try to avoid writing on here unless you have done both. Don't let the voices get amplified by exhaustion. You can do this. I am not asking you to convince your thoughts to love yourself. I am asking you to do it with actions - caring for your body, getting outside. That's it.
Be as present as you can be. The past and the future DO NOT matter. The number of years that you will live doesn't matter. Your lost love doesn't matter. What you are doing right now is all that matters. Care about that. You came close at the beginning where you were describing where you were eating. Simple moments. Tell me a meal you ate or a bird you saw. Start that way EVERY time. Focus there.
My moment today was watching my son on stage inside of a giant plant puppet. He was working so hard to move at just the right point and to be as convincing as possible. All of life is hard, hard work. Sometimes we just have to keep moving. Then life becomes meaningful and joyful even. @RhysThe3rd
I guess evening is just generally tough for me. I felt more moody and prone to sadness at this periode. It doesn't help that the song that i listen to at this time is gloomy in theme and tune.
I've read your post, self love can be as simple as getting enough rest and eat enough. It sort of made me smile for once. I've been trying to get my most basic needs met. Though not much significant progress is being made since my focus is on prepping for the national exam on friday.
It just got me thinking. I always prioritized my goals and work that i've completely neglected myself. I think of how i never stop at it. So i thought that the excuse will only change over time. Oh sorry i can't do X because i have the national exam. Oh sorry i can't do X because i need to finish this essay in order to make it through the first semester. Oh sorry i can't do X because my office just called me that a patient required my immediate attention. Oh sorry i can't do X because a terrible accident just happened and i'm required in the emergency room.
I rarely if ever choose myself in those scenarios. It feels exhausting. You remember how i used to be a workaholic back then? Sometimes i want to go back to that phase again. Just the feeling of purpose, that what i did mattered somehow, is just fulfilling to me.
Life can feel empty at times and it's easy to side with that nihilistic part of me.
I know that i'm under the influence of my hunger right now and that it'll effect what i write. Food has been difficult to come by now. I sometime have to tolerate hunger just to push through a day.
I watched a tree from the upper levels of my tuition school. It's bustling with life. Bees, butterflies, and birds visit it. I was captivated by the sight of it all. Sometimes i just want to close my eyes. Then wake up under a shade of a lone tree amidst a sea of grassfields. The wind felt so alive and so does the clouds. "This must be heaven" i thought or it could be what my mind conjured as i'm on my last dying breaths. There's no other signs of life anywhere but the single tree i'm leaning on. I was alone but so peacefull. I smiled and closed my eyes, leaning more onto the tree as the world around me blurred into nothingness. I was free from my bond, unshackled from the world. No longer was i the children of earth and back to being part of nothingness. All traces of my existance wiped in a matter of generations. Maybe i'll get to meet him there to you know? It makes me feel at peace to know that he'll accept his passings peacefully too. Being one with the earth again then to repeat the cycle of life again.
I felt sad. I can't help but feel sad. It's still a long road down until i can feel something like that
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You're a great person mate. I always look up to your kind of people. The ones that helped people however they can. You're a physical proof that hope exists in this abyssimal world. Those people that you helped will never forget your deeds. So i extend to you a wishing i extended to the person i admired. May you be happy, may you be free, may you be at peace.
This message is a much better one. You are really fighting here. You know evenings are tough and going without food is tough. You have been doing a good job trying to get those basic needs met. You have to stop the voices that say other things are more important. There actually is nothing more important because all those other goals - the exams, the essays, the patients - you actually serve NONE of them well if your basic needs are ignored.
I think in some ways you are still a workaholic. It may feel a little lonelier but you are still very much focused on a purpose. But you are starting to imagine other purposes. That is scary but really necessary. Life very rarely takes the direction that we think that it will. Flexibility and adaptation are survival strategies.
You did a good job seeing the bees and butterflies and then allowing yourself to imagine. It is okay to end up doing some imagining and even ending up sad at the end. You aren't looking to end sadness for a real length of time at this point. A few moments of peace are precious. You worked hard to get them so celebrate those moments. The more that you can do that the longer that those moments become.
My good moment today was watching one of my students who is getting ready to graduate give his final thesis presentation. He has invented an AI computer program that helps to rapidly identify plankton species in ocean floor samples very cheaply. I would have never imagined that path for him. Four years ago when he started with me, he was seriously mentally ill. He kept imagining that he had a heart condition and was about to die when he was physically fine. He worked hard and overcame his struggles. I was really proud to be there watching him.
@RhysThe3rd
4 years... dang :<. It must've been quite the journey for him. I mean, everyone's journey is different and i'm glad that the guy turn out for the better. I just couldn't help but think, with how things are recently and how i equate things in the past couple of months, how long will mine be? But i don't like to think about it. Not when i know that thinking about it only gives my pessimism another thing to feed on.
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I don't know why, but i feel elated when i found the bread i bought this morning still in it's wrappings. I guess it sort of takes me back to the moment i bought it at the minimarket. Everything happened so fast... i sometimes forgot to buy food for lunch because my body is on autopilot to drive me to the tuition school when i'm not focused.
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I just don't know really. I'm pretty much in the same position i was 3 years ago, back when i'm just about to enter highschool, albeit with some improvements. The future is uncertain, despite having two of my close friends, i'm alone as ever, i'm still ravaged by the same addiction, and i have days where i tried to personally rid myself.
Everyone is studying for the national exam except for me who's efforts have been the bare minimum. Perhaps i'm putting too much pressure on myself. I mean, i did put my life on the line for it's success. I know that you kept pushing for flexibility, but you probably know that i don't do well with rejections and not having things my way.
I don't know, i just feel like all of the evidence points to maybe i'm just not suited to live. I don't have friends, i don't have much to show for myself, and i can't even rely on myself to take care of myself.
I miss his presence sometimes. I'm so used to him, that i don't need to vent him and that his presence alone is enough to soothe any doubts i had about myself.
I feel like i've reached a point where i mostly gave up on myself. I hate myself because now i'm burdening my parents with maintaining my existance. It's like paving those cracked roads with more cements only for them to crack again, ignoring the core problem of uneven and soft terrain being forced to hold the weight of the road.
Maybe you know, just maybe, once the results of the exan came and i have failed on all of my options, my parents would be so furious at me that i'll simply snap and it'll be the push i needed to close the final chapter of my life.
My only dissapointment in all of this is that i never get to say goodbye to him.
Regarding the consequences, and honestly, it'll free up a lot of financial burden. I'm too expensive to maintain so not having my parasitical presence would present more opportunities for my three younger siblings. Then for my close friends, well, they wouldn't have to bother with my vents anymore. Oh and lastly of course, you wouldn't have to bother with this post anymore. You'll have more time for those that needed yor help. So with all of that said, i can say that there's a benefit to me not existing afterall. In the process i would also achieved my goal of helping people even if it's a bit twisted.
The length of the journey doesn't really matter because we are always on a journey getting better. It can be frustrating sometime to not know when you are going to emerge, but it is kind of like a slowly opening flower. I was only comparing where he was 4 years ago to where he is now. If I had to guess, he started doing a whole lot better about 2 years ago. I didn't see him much in the middle. You are already healing. You just can't tell it yet because the pain is still there.
The period that you have entered now is naturally a little more unstable which makes you unstable because you don't know what is coming next. That is why living in the present (NOT the past or future) is so important. If you want compare compare yesterday to today or last week to this week. Comparing years can just get frustrating.
Hunting down food and having it available when you needed it is excellent. Keep thinking along those lines.
You can't compare yourself right now to where you might be a year from now. Imagining a future that doesn't exist or seems as bleak as the one right now will get you nowhere. You could meet a great new friend tomorrow. You can take care of yourself better tomorrow. All tomorrow is is a possibility to be and do things differently. That does involve keeping your brain flexible though. Keep working at it.
Maybe you can create a list of things that you will do if you don't pass. I think that you might indeed pass because you are more ready for the exam than you think. But also plan for the worst. What will you do in the first 24 hours - eat, go on a walk, play a little extra on your computer (with safe things), read a book. What will you do in the first week - start really researching other careers based in the things that you like to do and have a passion for, and then start talking to your parents about those options. Then you take things from there.
Death isn't an option. You will hurt the people close to you way too much, including me. You are needed here. You are not a parasite or a financial burden. If you give up in that way, it will destroy your parents and your siblings. None of them will ever be the same again. They will not understand your choice at all. I guarantee that. In fact, there is a high likelihood that one or more of them will do something similar. Their happiness rests on your shoulders. You cannot escape that. You will help no one. You will only hurt people.
The road may be cracked and uneven, but it is mendable. It also branches in other directions. Stop trying to fantasize about the coward's way out. You are very, very brave and not a coward. You just have to stand up and trust that your future WILL be wonderful whether you pass some exam or not. @RhysThe3rd
There's only less than 24 hours until the exam begins. The exam will begin on tomorrow morning on a university just a couple of hours away. There's three outcome of this exam. The first one is i got accepted in the prestigious college. This will be the best out of the three since it's only a province away from my home, the college itself is located in the "city of students" so there'll be lots of academics there. The second is that i got accepted outside of the main island in the eastern archipelagos. The place offered a nice scenery at the cost of being distant from the mainland. The third is the worst, i din't get accepted in either and have to forego a private college. This means my parents will have to spend another substantial amount of money for my failure. The bright side of it is that i'll be taking international relation study there, it's also very close to home, the mandatory language there is english and i'll get to meet foreign students who's also studying there. So it's not much of a death threat if i failed, more of i just don't want my parents to spend too much money on me, even worse if it's to compensate my failures.
It's one day before the exam and i have no motivation for studying. I believe that ever since my tuition school relaxed it's strict mandatory assignment system in response to nearing the exam, i have spent less time studying and more so just playing games and wasting my life.
I lied on my bed as i observe the poster i made in the months leading up to the exam. I tried to make this academic propaganda-ish aestethic with it. I looked confident in that poster, a stark contrast to my current state.
The prestigious college's insignia is adorned on my wall. Parts of it is starting to unstick. Probably a poetic metaphore for my deteriorating motivation and sense of purpose.
I looked at the medals i've gained on my juniour year. It's an english language competition. It was probably the first time i ever made my skills widely known. But i also remembered my seniors telling me that, "If you have to buy your medals instead of it being given to you, they're probably only in it for the money." Which is probably true. I din't get a first, second, nor third place. I got a golden and silver medal, but other people got it as well. It's more of a merchandise than an actual academic reward.
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It's finally happening, the culmination of the entire year leading up to this one moment. I'm really nervous, which isn't good because I need to be calm during it, and my little sister's constant crying isn't helping. Grandpa's prayers are really reassuring for me.
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After three hours, the exam is finally over. I felt the burden I've been carrying for so long finally lifted. Now, I can focus on self-care while waiting for the results. Honestly, I'm not very confident, especially in the two math subjects. It feels like it's all down to luck now.
To celebrate the exam's completion, my family went out to dinner at a steakhouse. Throughout the meal, I was adamant about spending too much since the results aren't clear yet. I fear that we may be celebrating prematurely.
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It's been a day since the exam ended. Today, we went to the mall. I had the chance to visit a bookstore and saw many interesting titles, like 'Anya's Ghost,' although the price tags made me rethink my economic decisions. Oh! I also stumbled upon this really cool notebook with a nature cover and the caption 'Alles wird gut.' When I saw it, I couldn't help but squeal, though I quickly hushed myself, remembering I was in public. I love the cover, but I'm disappointed it's not a binder.
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It's been like... 3 days? Honestly, nothing interesting has happened which is why there's sort of a gap in my entry. I spent most of my time in my room, living the semi hikikimori life. There's no drive or motivation to these day at all. The months of isolation has truly taken it's toll on me. I really had no one to talk to :(. Or when i tried to, there's this mutual lack of interest in the conversation so it ended abruptly and awkwardly. I can't imagine having to spend another 52 years existing. I feel like i'm just a human equivalent of a parasite. This air i'm breathing, the food i ate, and the love i receive, it felt wrong. I sometimes wished that i'd never woke up the next day only to be dissapointed. I felt useless, like a burden.
I am glad to hear from you. I have been nervously awaiting to hear how the exam had gone.
You can do this and will find a great path no matter how things go on the actual exam. It is great that you can see three clear paths. All of them are quite doable. Even if your parents do end up spending money on you that is okay. You are worth it. And based upon all that you have written over these many months, I think path #3 actually might make you the happiest.
Studying in the last 24 hours before the exam isn't necessarily going to help. There is only so much that you can shove in your brain anyway. Having an exam coming up can make you quite nervous and cause you to question yourself. None of those things mean that you can't do it. You still can.
I am glad that you are finally done with the exam. You are right about now being able to do some real self care. You were going to come out of the exam questioning yourself almost no matter how you did. There were ALWAYS be sections that you thought you could have done better on. Your family was right to celebrate you completing the exam. You did accomplish something great merely by taking the exam. It is NOT something that everyone did.
It is great that you got out shopping. I hope that you purchased the nature notebook "Alles wird gut". That would be a great reminder for you. All things will work out, especially when you get out into nature more. You are worth small purchases like that. Don't let your brain convince you otherwise.
In the last little bit, the depression became stronger again obviously. Now is the time that you can really fight back against it. The key is leaving your room as often as possible. You don't need to necessarily find friends immediately. You just need to get yourself out among people and nature. Make a set plan for yourself to get outside once a day for an hour in nature and once a day for an hour somewhere else like a library or shopping or a cheap meal at a restaurant. Make it a habit. Then start to do your yoga again too.
What did you see today that brought you into the present for a moment? Mine was listening to some music. It was a bunch of people playing bells, each person having two bells or so in front of them. They all had to work together and listen to one another in order to play their bell at the right time. It was fascinating to watch.
Exam is over
Expectation : Focus more on self-care
Reality : Crippling addiction, anarchy
It's hard for me to make a post these past few days. In the absence of order and structure my tuition school provided me, i found it difficult to cope with my new circumstances. My sleep schedule is a mess, my addiction has an iron grip over me, i'm semi-hikikimori, and i've neglected the most basic of self-care. Time became blurry. I wanted to hate myself for it but i'm just too emotionaly exhausted for it.
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I couldn't finish this post yesterday. I was writing it whilist sleep deprived.
Oh! I got an exciting news that i din't get to write yesterday. I receive my report card for my last semester and... i got 8th place in my class! :D The entire time i was sure that my grades would dip but i guess i underestimated myself.
Since i don't do much at the house now, mum assigned me to tend to her laundry in the morning. I was upset about it. I thought that my good grades would exempt me from such menial chores.
Regarding my game addiction, it's due to my riveting curiousity. When i had my curiousity or mind on something, it's hard for me to let go of it. For instance, i once saw a good video edit on youtube, but i thought i could made it better. So i scower the internet for its footages and wouldn't stop until i find it and remake the entire video. I still have the video on my laptop and i'm proud of the result. When my curiousity is satiated, i'd let go of it.
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Nothing matters anymore. Tomorrow is graduation day and i don't care about it. I did horrible stuff without a single care of the consequences, only that i hope it hurts me somehow. I wanted to be hurt, even if it means doing horrible stuff on other people. I want to be relieved of this existance. No hope, no purpose. Just a living parasite with nothing good to show for.
Graduation is over. When i got back home, the thoughts that has been put at bay came back to swarm me. Everything is back to the way it is. I don't feel like playing games anymore because i know it'll just waste my time. Even if i had met my close friends at the graduation, it's still difficult to reach out to them. "What's the point?" I thought. Social interactions feels bland to me now. It's this feeling of low energy and no interest at the conversation. So i just distrack myself by just drawing anything. That only happens when i'm at a social setting. Other than that, it's difficult to do anything of significant.
I kept being reminded of him. Wherever i go, there's always this subtle reference to him. Like how i came across a story that is awfully similiar to mine, or that the little things we used to do reminded of him, i can't even enjoy my favourite musics without being reminded of how i used to listen to them with him. I hate it when it happens. I hate having to feel that stab in the chest again. I hate myself for letting me feel it. I can't feel much other than it.
I hate how this is my life. How much i want to slit my hand out of spite but i can't because i'm too much of a *** *** to do it.
I miss him. I hate it. I hate my life. I could barely kept my sanity. I don't know. I'm alone. I can't escape this. I think i'm going insane. I want to hurt people. I don't know why it brings me a sense of calmness. When i see someone suffer the way i did. This agonizing existance. Ahahah.. i'm going insane.
No, no i don't deserve to live. No one will love me again. Just *** die! Oh i wish.
So many thoughts. They're like a crowd. So loud. So loud. EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP. SHUT UP! Yes i'm worthless, yes i'm a burden, yes i'm unlovable. Just please tell me how i can cut myself. I can't think. No room for tnoughst. Only white noises. Loud white noises.
I want someone to hurt me. To put me in my place. A worthless ***. A ***. ***. Atheist. I want someone to violate me. Show me how worthless i am.
Ok, I am answering the first post with a quicker response and the second one with a longer one.
I am sorry that I didn't get to the first one quite quick enough. My son is also getting ready to graduate and I spent last evening at his final high school performance.
I can understand that working with that lack of structure is very hard and you end up doing things that you don't want to actually do. That happens to all of us. You just get back up onto the bandwagon and try again the next day.
You had some good things in there. First your excellent marks. You should be proud of where you ended up in your class. That shows that you are a hard worker and more necessary here than your brain lets you imagine.
You also talked about that video that you recreated. I think that similar things are good projects for right now as long as you get outside too.
Finally, the laundry. Those menial tasks are actually life giving at the moment. When you are doing them, then you are getting mini things accomplished. They actually help your brain. Focus on your senses as you do them.
I am happy that you graduated, but I can understand that flood of emotions afterwards. Part of you wanted that moment to feel "special" and it did on some level but it also took lots of emotional energy.
So now your brain is turning all of that to negative stuff. You have to fight back REALLY hard against that. Your brain is lying right now in saying social interaction is pointless. It isn't. It is unbelievably hard because it takes energy, but doing it in small doses keeps you connected to the world. Think single friends rather than lots of people, but you do need to find people to talk to.
Drawing is a really excellent thing to be doing right now no matter where you are. It is focusing your brain on a single task and allows you to really recreate what you are seeing. What kinds of things are you drawing?
I am presuming that the last bit of your message is written at the end of the day when you are exhausted and not thinking clearly. You are allowed to still miss him, but then you turn it all inward on yourself and you do start becoming really mentally unwell.
This is pretty dangerous for you and everyone around you. You are very aware of this. You also know how to stop those thoughts - turn on better ones. The better you is still right there underneath the bad. Drawing, getting outside, eating and sleeping regularly, doing laundry and other chores (ask for more to keep busy). These are what will allow you and those around you to survive.@RhysThe3rd
It's over. He's gone. There's no more light to this life. My days are numbered. I don't care anymore. I'll just rot in my room. No point in trying anymore. I'll just starve myself and suffer a slow painful death.
To answer your question :
I'll draw anything as long as it got my mind focussed.
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I went to jogging with a friend today and it was uneventful. We din't talk much, there was little time spent on actually jogging. We just sort of chilled in the park. I draw a rough sketch of germania but din't intend on finishing it. Then there's an accident where i got my motorcyle scratched because i allowed him to carry his bike on it. Dad is going to be mad at me for sure. All in all, today's activity gave me more reason to be turned off by social interaction. Es ist Zeitverschwendung and unnecessary prolem. I'll just keep it if it benefits me in some way. Other than that, i have no reason to engage with other people's bs.
After jogging, hunger got to me before i could maked the rational decision to eat; which explains the post above. I ended up spending most of the day starving myself and then sleeping it off. I got bits of my sanity back on the evening and nourished myself. I think i have good reasone to believe that i have a fast metabolism. It explains the constant hunger i get and the occasional hyperactivity. It also means that i have to closely monitor my hunger, because one slip can ruin an entire day.
As of lately, i've been looking into the philosophy of absurdism. I don't know much of it, but i think i have somewhat vague picture of it. "The ultimate rebellion against an uncaring and nonsensical universe is to live in spite of it." In my own interpretation, just by living in spite of itself, i am giving the meaninglessness of existance a big middle finger to show off my frustration.
I'll go for a jog again tomorrow but i'll be by myself. I'll also look further into this absurdism thing so i can get a clearer picture of it. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself, instead of actively trying to remove myself because i got hungry for 0.003 seconds. Which is why i started reading my novels again despite my brain protesting against it.
Ok, so you know that eating is critical. I really do agree on that front. You can't let your brain convince you otherwise.
I like the fact that you are going jogging, with a friend or without. However, you can't use a stratching accident to say that means you shouldn't associate with people. The two things have nothing to do with one another. Your brain is just using that as another excuse to keep you in pain. Jogging gets you outdoors no matter what so that is a good thing.
I think reading novels right now is a great thing. It is definitely something that you should be doing and not feel bad about. It keeps your brain occupied and it is a great stress reliever.
Absurdism is fine but don't forget the part of "living in spite of it". That doesn't just mean physically living which you most definitely need to do. It means emotionally engaging while recognizing things are going to be really weird sometimes. It doesn't mean constantly planning your own death.
You are going to figure things out step by step. You are doing a solid job at the moment in trying to keep yourself busy and fed. Those are the two goals right now.
What did you see or do today that allowed you to focus for a minute? For me, it was hosting a student gathering for the end of the term where I brought some weird snacks that people had never tried before. It was great watching their faces as they experimented with hot and spicy seaweed chips and preserved plums. @RhysThe3rd
In relation to the previous post :
I do agree that jogging is somewhat good for me. However, after the incident, i regret ever inviting other people into my activity. Even though it got me somewhat motivated, it is highly inefficient. Most often than not things din't went according to plan. We or more accurately they spent too much time tlking rather than actually jogging. So in my next run, which i've yet to do, i'll try to put more faith in doing the jog by myself.
Regarding the absurdism stuff, i'm not sure i can be emotionally engaged right now. There's so many things wrong in that department that i'm just feeling numb for most of the time. So absurdism is a somewhat comfort because by physically living in itself, i'm doing enough. That's the reassurance i needed right now.
I really love hearing about your experience with your students. They really give insight as to what life could offer; since i spent most of my time in my room. I'm really not sure if i had such moment today :(. My mind is everywhere so i can't really be present. I guess it was that little moment when i started my german course again. There's so many stuff to review that i nearly got turned off by it. Though it just mean i need to approach it slow and not be hasty.
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Morning sucks a lot. Instead of eating breakfast, mum told me to drive my lil' sis to her private islamic studies class. Because i missed breakfast, it took a lot of my patience to push through my hanger and finally nourish myself.
Afternoon is a blur. I barely remember anything of it.
On the evening though is where most of the activities are. I started my german course again after being dissappointed again and again by gaming. So now my three pillar of activities are drawing, studying german, and reading novels.
Maybe i'll try to wake up earlier tomorrow since my situations often demands it. It's going to be harder without school or tuition school to force me to wake up early.
So jogging by yourself is just fine. You are getting running in which is great. But running with someone else every so often (like 1-3 times a month) might be good to just keep in contact with people rather than being lonely in your room. The jogging isn't only about being efficient.
If absurdism is bringing you emotional comfort right now then I think that is great. Staying alive actively is a victory, no doubt.
Sorry about the rough start to the morning without breakfast. Sometimes you can just grab something really quick to get you started towards food (like a piece of fruit or something) to keep you from getting to that hangry stage. But getting up early could also help.
Starting the German stuff again is definitely a victory. Yes, it is hard to start up again because it feels a little overwhelming but you will feel a sense of accomplishment and reengagement which is great. I love that you are drawing, doing the German and reading a novel. That is a great group of activities.
I will say that German was also my engagement point for today. I spend about a half an hour each night as I get nearer bedtime planning trips, sometimes to places I will go and sometimes to places I will probably never get to. It really helps me keep some emotional balance at night when I am tired because I can dream a bit about something pleasant. Tonight was indeed planning a trip to Germany. I am going to be there in late June. I am going with my cousin whom I have never travelled with before. We will visit some very close friends I have there (I lived with them for a year) before visiting the town where my grandfather was born.
You mentioned earlier that you weren't sure about jogging with a partner. It will be a little bit of the same traveling with my cousin. We didn't grow up near one another and I don't know her well. I know that we will be moving slower than I normally would and probably seeing quite a bit less than I would see with other people or by myself because she is older. But that is going to be okay. Whatever I see will be new and it is the quality time rather than the number of things that we see that is more important.
I'm writing this post whilist waiting for my rice to cook. I'm also aware that parts of this post will be affected by my hunger.
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Honestly, the only people i wished to came in contact with these past couple of months is him. But as the year drags on, i'm just startig to lose hope on it and social interaction as a whole.
I also have a friend in Germany. Though it's been a year since i last contacted him. I don't know if we're even still friends :<.
Despite your argument, i'm still against entailing other people in my activities. It's not that i don't want to explore opportunities with people, i'm just fed up with them. The mutual disinterest, the arrogance, they never hear my voice, and the incident with my motorcycle is the final straw.
It doesn't mean i'm becoming isolationist, it just mean i'm less inclined to any interaction unless i see some benefit in it and will detatch myself from any interaction when i feel so. For instance, the japanese festival will be held in a couple of days by my junior friends. I'll be visiting it because i want to get out of the house for once.
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So for once, i did actually woke up early this time. There's just trafic with the bathroom because there's only one for the entire family of six. I ended up going back to sleep because i have to wait for my family to finish showering. What i could've done in this time though is probably exercising and yoga. It'll be easier to finish harder activities earlier in my day.
The day time went out as usual. I managed to avoid hunger this time and found a market where i could get the food that i wanted for a good price.
On the evening, i decided to add russian to my language course besides german. I have a hard time memorizing the cyrillic alphabet because it's still new to me.
I've started a mini project with unity to create my own 2D game. I'm still unsure as of what kind of game i will make. But until then, i'll have to finish the tutorials first which is about 10 hours long?! Sheesh..
I am glad that you are cooking yourself some rice. It is always good when you make that food decision.
It is fine to be a bit isolationist right now as long as you don't then become lonely and end up in a vicious circle. Choosing to do some activities for other reasons like the Japanese festival is just fine.
You could also consider contacting your German friend to practice your German.
Glad that you got up early but sorry for the busy bathroom. Do you ever do the yoga before you shower? I would think that the shower would be nice afterwards.
Good job in trying to learn the Russian. You are right about that alphabet being hard. I can only really do German and English though I can read some of other romance languages. But my one son learned Chinese and another is doing Arabic.
The tutorials for the 2d game will be good. They will keep you busy and give you other skills as well I am sure.
It sounds like overall you had a good day. I saw some pretty clouds that I stopped to look at near the end of my day.
If I am not as active the next few days on here, I apologize. My youngest son graduates himself in a few days. He is finishing up his final French exams tomorrow and Friday. Then lots of people will visit for his graduation. @RhysThe3rd
When i'm writing this, i noticed that i'm feeling hungry, lonely, and tired. None of those are a good combo and it'll affect how i write this post.
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In relation to the previous post :
I'm not sure about contacting my german friend after a year of absence. I mean, are we even still friends? My usual policy is if i hadn't meet people in a long time, we're probably no longer friends. Said policy also contributes to my isolationism.
No, as of now, i haven't done any yogas :(. There's too much emotional turmoil for me to do it.
I congratulate you on your son's eventual graduation :D. I hope the results of the exam is satisfying for the both of you 😌.
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This morning, i accidentally burned my breakfast. I was heading for the bathroom and forgot to turn down the fire. I hate to waste food, especially good ones. So i blame and hate myself for being incompetent. I still feel bad about it untill now.
Then for most of the day i just cleaned my room and do chores around the house like cleaning dishes and doing laundry. I ended up feeling really tired because of it. I decided to reward myself by gaming and nearly got drowned in it. Fortunately, i managed to pull myself out of it before i wasted my entire day.
On the evening, i maintained my german course streak but din't quite have the time for my project or to read my novels.
Despite all of it, i couldn't get off the feeling that it's all pointless. That it's all just a distraction. I began to lose motivation again. He still hasn't read my messages. It's been five months. I'm losing hope. I can't live without him.
I began to doubt the probabilty of success in my college entry exam. To be honest, in the final week leading up to it, i din't put much effort into it. I don't have the mental capacity to focus on studying.
Then, if i fail, my parents will have to pay more for private college on top of previously paying for my tuition school. I'm just draining my family's coffer for nothing. A burden 😞. I knew i was meant for nothing and that my life is a mistake.
You want brutal honesty? That 8th place on my final semester report card? It was a mistake. On my 4th semester i unkowingly inputted the wrong grade to my teacher. This resulted in my grade being slightly higher than what it's supposed to be. Do you know what's even worse? None of my grades are authentic. The reason that i needed to input my grade in the first place is to evaluate how much they're gonna add on my report card so it's not stagnant but not too much that it'll raise suspicion. Yes, it's all data fraud and it's supposed to be illegal. Though sadly, it's a very common practice among many public schools.
The point is none of my exam grades are authentic. I cheated, i googled most of the questions. As for the essaay, i joined a network of friends across different classes to receive info on a leaked essay.
I'm a fraud. I'm not a model student. Just a failure. Which is why i have no confident in my college entry exam. Because they're the only test i can't cheat my way out of.
I'm gonna fail. My life is a mistake. I'm a dissapointment and shame to my family. I deserve all of fhe ill fate thrown at me 😞.
Sorry to miss a day in responding. Things have been a little crazy around here and I will admit to being off emotionally. I ended up weeping at one point. But I will make it through by looking for the good points and always starting there.
Today it was very nice to have a bunch of people together at dinner. I have a good family and I am thankful for them. We all have to work to make it happen and actually get along, but we try. Trying is everything.
I know that it is harder to write when you are hungry and tired. The food part is always the easiest part of things to solve. Start there.
What would happen if you did contact your German friend? The worst thing might be if he didn't respond. Is that worse than never contacting him again and just continuing to be lonely? Every relationship has its periods of quiet and its periods of activity. Friendships often start again after a big break. That is how life works. Some of the people I am currently with for the graduation, I only see rarely. That is okay if we don't talk for months. It doesn't mean that we are less close. People get busy.
Unluckily, I am not talking about your love in this case. I agree that relationship is over. Relationships also die sometimes due to no fault of our own. We have to figure out how to let them die when it is obvious that the other person doesn't want them back. That has been part of my own challenge the last few days in a basic student/teacher relationship where the student has decided that I am evil and doesn't want to be in the same room with me. That hurts a great deal, but I am working hard on figuring out how to let that drop. If she never gets back in touch despite the fact that I reached out, it is going to be okay. It is better for my brain to put her aside and just call the relationship a failure. I have tons of other students.
I know that you don't agree, but there can be other people for you to love as well. Most people in life have more than one love. It is how love works. You always have room to love more people. Your heart can always grow but you have to make a decision to let it. You have to stop obsessing on one relationship in order to make others possible.
Keep trying to find an emotional space to attempt the yoga. Even if you are only able to do so for a few minutes, it matters.
Sorry about the breakfast. It is always tough when you burn things. Some of my cooking failures have the same impact on me.
It was good that you got done with some of the chores before ending up gaming. Gaming can be tough. It is healthy to let your mind go into other worlds for a bit, but you have to figure out how to limit your time there. Maybe a timer would help a bit. But some days your brain does need the distraction longer. That is okay.
It is also natural to think that all of your exam results and your grades are false right now because you don't know. Where I live it works a little different. No matter what my son gets on his exams that he just took, he is already into a college. And that college will be expensive. And we will be willing to pay every little bit of it. That is what parents do. They want their kids to experience the world and to find the path for them. Your parents want the same for you. You are NEVER a waste of time or money.
Cheating is a bad thing and I understand you feeling guilty for it. But your actions don't label you as a permanent fraud. You just make a decision to not do it again. Every day starts things new. You can be new too by not focusing on the past and mistakes that you might have made. The only thing that matters is the future and what you do with that. @RhysThe3rd
In relation to the previous post :
I just.. i don't know. I don't want to bother my german friend. I hate to bother people with my presence. Which is why i've been isolating myself from people in spite of my feeling of loneliness. It's just something i have to live with wether i like it or not.
I don't know if i can ever let people in after the rejection. The pain, oh the pain. It and the betryal devestates me in a way it leaves a physical scar that aches whenever the word "love" is even mentioned.
Maybe i'm just unlovable.
I don't know really. Dying feels painful and so does existing. Sometimes it feels like i lost all of my hope. Then of course i was reminded that i can't simply de-exist myself. The average life span in my country is 69 which means i have 52 years left to endure or who knows? Maybe even shorter with my depression.
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I was sick today. It was probably the worst experience i've ever endured. My body was hot, there's an intense headache, and i was forced to be bed ridden for most of the day. I blame my sickness on my gaming addiction. I was so caught up in it that i forgot to eat.
Thanks to my grandma and her traditional medicine, i felt much better now even though i'm still partially sick.
It's the evening. The sound of my ticking clock fills the emptiness of my room. It's agonizing, really. To watch time ignorantly moves despite of you. I felt bored and contemplated on what i should do.
The three pillars of my activities are drawing, reading novels and studying german. I felt conflicted on reading my novels since most of them are queer romances. I'm afraid that by reading them, it'll only reopen old wounds. Perhaps the other possible reason is that i haven't found a good read yet. It's sort of interesting really. The more novels i read, the more i can tell which ones are bad writing and which ones are good writing.
Out of all the three activities, i think i'll just study german and maybe read a novel later. It's been a while since i had a look at my e-library.
I don't think that your loneliness is something that you have to live with like it or not. Your brain is making a decision for you because of your depression that forces you into the loneliness box. Only you can make a decision just as easily to not be in that box. I shouldn't probably say "easily" because I know how hard it is to get out of the box when your brain is lying to you. But you can come out slowly but surely by saying that you don't want to be there anymore. It starts with really little things like emailing your German friend who you haven't been in contact with. If he never contacts you back, so be it. It isn't a rejection if he doesn't get back in contact. All it is is someone whose life doesn't allow them to be in contact right now. But if he does you could practice your German a bit. That is all it is - a mini step.
I know imagining more rejection or love is too hard right now. You have too much going on and your pain is still very deep. All I am asking is that you think in terms of "I could be lovable in the future." In fact I am going to suggest that you write that down somewhere and take it out every day and look at it. Trust me when I say that your brain just wants you to believe that you aren't lovable, but your brain is wrong. Someone from the outside world sees you as quite lovable with lots of potential. You don't have to believe it. All you have to do is recognize that someone else sees you that way.
I am sorry that you were feeling so ill today. Remember that your body can get sick all on its own. You may have had a bad bug and done nothing to cause it. I am glad that your grandmother helped you feel better. Tell me more about your grandmother. I bet that she is a special person. She can be your moment for the day.
I am glad that you are doing the drawing, German, and novel reading. Maybe if queer fiction is too hard right now try some other genre like mysteries or science fiction. Or maybe try a German novelist in English. They may not be things that normally are appealing, but sometimes when you are depressed trying something different helps to reset your brain. If you want me to help you come up with a list of few good ones, I can do that.
My moment today was surviving my 2nd graduation ceremony in 2 days. This was one for my school. We do it outside and it is very hot. We are wearing heavy velvet robes. But I managed to score a spot right by a giant fan. The breeze was a blessing.@RhysThe3rd
I understand your pain. When I was younger, I had a similar experience. I distracted myself by focusing on my studies, and many years later, I earned two degrees. However, I didn't work on myself during that time. As a result, I ended up feeling older and lonelier. While it's good to focus on studying, nothing can replace the importance of self-love. It's essential to love your inner child in order to let go and move forward.
Hey Samantha, thank you for your kind post :>. Although, self-love is not easy to come by. Just the thought of it hurts me. It's a sensitive topic for me 😞
I don't know how i could just let go of him like that. He matters too much to me. None, none, shall ever replace him. Even if he broke my heart, he'll always hold a special place in it.
I'll hold dear to our memmory even if it means i'll have to bear the pain that comes with it. Because i just can't live without him.
There's nothing wrong with holding a special place for him, but let go of what you wanted with him that you never got. Remember, as precious as he is, you are more precious. Your feelings and tears are more valuable than any guy. Sometimes things are not meant to be, and believe me, that doesn't mean something bad at all. Love and support from me.
I hate to ask, but do you know how? My previous attempt have been just busying myself with studying to the point i became a workaholic. I also hate labeling activities as a distration, because it means i'm just avoiding my problem.
You need to hug yourself, dear. You need to give yourself love and talk to yourself. Promise yourself that you will not let go and that you will always be there for yourself. Know your worth, know how beautiful your soul is, and how special you are. When the right person comes, they will be the cherry on top, but with or without them, you will always be the beautiful cake.
