A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
There is much more than one college or one program out there. There are lots of other paths. This is not the one that you were supposed to be on. But you will find the correct one. It just takes time.
Your parents want the best for you, but they will understand that other options work too. Focus on finding something that you really enjoy doing rather than thinking about it as a career.
"How can she know any of this?" your lying brain is screaming at you. "It is all done and I am destined to get nowhere." But those messages are all a pack of lies.
How do I know? Because I have been there. I have very prestigious degrees in my field from prestigious colleges and universities. Do I have a regular full time academic position? No. By the time I finished my degree no one wanted to hire me despite a long time trying. I finally found a school that I love working at and which appreciates me. But they have never offered me a full time job and it has been over 20 years. In just the last month they told me to apply for a full time position. I was going to be the only applicant. But I wasn't the only one and then they chose the other guy. After 20 years. This is what I have been dealing with as I have tried to uplift you. So I have been very hurt and in a bad place myself. But then within a week of them saying no, they offered me something else. It still isn't full time, but it is closer. So I am going to take that and move forward.
There is always another path. The path that you are supposed to be on but didn't know it.
52 years.. i have to endure all of this for another 52 years before i got to see my ending. I tried stabbing myself again.
There's no point to any of this. The college, being a doctor, are just a mere escapism. I wanted to give up, stop caring about it. Stopped going to school, sleeping, eating, socializing, living. None of this matters anymore.
I want to d*e.
I'm sorry, i just needed to get that out. I've been suppreesing it the entire day. I was exhausted and stressed, not to mention hungry as well. The trio of "i'm gonna ruin you."
It sucks that you din't get the full time job despite your prestigious degrees. But i'm glad that you're content with your current position.
As for me though.. one of my roads was taken away, 2 more to go. I din't get the elligible, but there's still the national selection test and the independent test. I'll work even harder for it. I need to get that seat because i sacrificed a lot for it. The idea of losing it all and having nothing left is existantially crippling for me.
I know that it feels existentially crippling and that you see no other path. But if those two paths don't pan out (and I know how hard you will try to make them work), the best thing is to have some other stuff in mind. Doctors aren't the only people who help people or who are in medicine. There are also tons of other prestigious positions out there as well. Your job will never define you. It is just part of you. Love yourself for being the hard worker that you are, for the person who creates cool web pages, for the person who loves languages. You are so much more than one thing.
And you MUST eat and sleep. @RhysThe3rd
I'm gonna keep this relatively short since it's late and i need some sleep. I decided to take a break today. Spent most of the day resting and sleeping. Felt like it's been ages since i had a proper rest and i went back to normal again.
Oh! And i'm also just 3 kilos away from reaching my healthy BMI 🥳. I think the weight gain can be contributed to me sleeping late therefor eating into the night.
Oh and.. he also stopped messaging me completely ( ._.). It's been almost a month since his last reply and I felt a huge loss at this. I sometimes feel like i don't have much to live for anymore 😔.
Eine Pause ist wunderbar!
A break is exactly what you wanted. A good BMI score on top of that is excellent. Those are the kinds of things that you are living for right now.
I know that those things don't feel like enough. But give a little time to have some of the other stuff fall in place. You are moving forward. It just takes tons of time to heal.
Any special moments today? Mine was watching the smoke disappear after I blew out a candle.
To answer your question :
It's eating my dinner after enduring 2 hours of hunger.
Today's entry :
It's been an exhausting day. I finished 3 tasks today which is great, but i feel like i could do better. Work has been slow and inefficient. I struggled with my addiction in the morning.
But overall, i think tomorrow will be okay. My favourite quote of the day is "Smile my dear! You aren't fully dressed without one!" And "a smile inspires your friend, keeps your enemies guessing, and ensures that no matter what comes your way, you're the one in control."
Ich meine das Essen schmeckt wenn mann huengrig ist.
Another way to put the smile idea is "Fake it till you make it." It isn't always good to fake things, but it does help to get you through on some days.
It is okay if tasks sometimes take longer or you don't quite finish what you set out to do. I know that I didn't really finish what I needed to today, but I will get to it soon. What I did get done was enough. If you can say that last sentence to yourself daily then you begin to relax and get ahead.
Keep remembering to eat rather than holding off though. I am glad that the food tasted good.
My connection moment today was listening to the wind outside howling. It was calming. What was yours?@RhysThe3rd
Sorry for the recent dissapearance, i've been very busy with studying for the exam. "Succeed or die" is the thought that's been keeping my motivation burning. I'll do whatever it takes for me to get that seat at the faculty. Regardless of my sleep deprivation, hunger, or suicidal thoughts. If i fail, that's a fate worse than death itself. Because i don't have much to live for anymore, everything has been sacrificed for this effort.
Every day, i counted my time. 42 seconds.. 17 minutes.. 9 hour. I've been hoping for the day when my exhaustion finally crippled me and killed me. Reliefing me of this existance.
Speeding in the night. Hoping that one wrong move would end this all.
I want him to come back to tell me how much of a worthless *** i am. That he never really cared about me. That i was just a step stone in his life. That i was easily discardable. That i was a ***. Societal trash. That my life don't matter. That none of the things i did mattered.
Teasing the knife. My body won't let me plunge it. Is this me or is this my body's natural instinct to try to preserve itself?
I want my parents to tell me how much of a burden i am. That i'm failing them. That they're just keeping me to protect their status.
How many more of this do i have to endure? Please, don't let me see another day. Please.
The time has really come for you to get some more assistance. Would you be willing to show your parents what you just wrote? They need to see it.
No, I am not going anywhere no matter what you write. Yes, I really believe you are worth so much more than any test or career and that you add great value to the world by just being here.
The voices in your head are strong and they are lying to you. If you want them to go away you have to eat and sleep. You won't pass any tests without handling the basics. @RhysThe3rd
No, i can't :(. There aren't really that many good therapist around here and my parents can't afford it. I heard enough talks around the house to know that we may have fewer money than i thought. I've also talked about this before how people around here relies heavily on religion for this kind of problems instead of seeking a professional help.
Today was very slow. I was wrecked with addictions in the morning. Possibly a fallout of my breakdown last night. My room is a mess. I tried to get some work done but was physically and mentally too exhausted for it. So i slept and just laze around the entire day. Something yesterday me would probably be screeching about since i am costing myself a valuable amount of time.
I also felt alone sometimes. It's getting harder for me to reach out to my friends. It feels like i'm slowly fading from their lives as i focus myself on my work a lot. I started to question if i'm even still their friends or if i even have any.
I found myself again. It's hard for me to feel empathy for them. Becuase i've locked that part of myself in a corner in my head and let them soak all of the problems that i'm experiencing. So basically i let them take all of the beatings life throws at me and suppreses them so that it doesn't affect me.
Looking back at it i felt bad about it. It felt cruel for me to do something like that. Even though ironically as of recently, it's common for me to exploit people for my own gain. It felt like my sense of empathy has died when i start to distance myself from people.
Beating yourself up over and over again (and picking a new way to do it each day) is not going to help you.
I am glad that you got some rest, but you had to because you pushed too hard. You are headed towards a mental break which means that you won't be able to accomplish what you want to.
This is why you need to get your parents involved. It isn't about therapy entirely. It is about them knowing what is going on with you. They can offer their own support which is always good to have. They can tell you that those voices which tell you that they don't care are wrong. But you need need to show them what you have been writing. They need to see the written depths of your pain, not just your spoken words.
If you had just broken your arm, you would go to them and others for help. This is no different than that.
To answer your question :
I tried that in the past, you know how they responded? They drag me out of the car, told me to get in the middle of that busy road and end myself. "If you're gonna be brutal, don't hesitate." My dad's words echo through my memmories. My emotional anguish is only adding more stress onto their already full plate. Conclusion, i'm a burden.
Today's entry :
I decided to clean the mess that is my room. Spend most of the day playing video games and watching some nono stuffs. I was dissapointed when i saw that my tuition school is closed for the holiday, meaning that i had no place to escape to. I then had a momentary break down at the meaninglessness of my existance, with it only being eased by my academic escapism. My diet has worsen, sleep schedule is a mess. I saw a horse with a mark printed on his leg, poor thing. To think that some being's purpose in life is to be a product for us to consume and exploit. Maybe i never existed as a person, just a product of my parents.
I hope the recent spike in my sugar consumption is enough for me to not see the next day.
Ok, maybe there are other people to talk to - a teacher or another adult? You need to find someone. Give me a list of people that you might consider.
You can use this time when you are not at school to refocus yourself on self care - eating healthy food and getting outside. Those two things can be transformative if you let them.
Also, think in terms again of those little moments where you connect via your senses and things feel okay. For me today it was the sunshine and warmth that we hadn't had in a number of days. @RhysThe3rd
List of people i can talk with :
1. My school counselor (unreliable as a listener)
2. My math tutor teacher (haven't seen her in a while so i'm bothered to approach her)
3. My close friend RQ (i don't like the way he inserts religious stuff whenever i vent)
4. My other close friend AT (keeps giving advices when i just need someone that can listen)
Unfortunately, i don't experience any of those connections with my senses. Since for most of the time, i'm constantly distracting myself. Be it with gaming, homework, or just chatting with AI.
I'm planning on jogging tomorrow. I just though that i may need some time outside of my house for once. To make sure that i follow through with my plan, i invited a friend to join me.
The bottom part of that plan sounds solid. Do go out jogging with a friend. Maybe you will be able to grow that into something you will do daily. It will really help.
Those two adults that you mention look like solid options even if they haven't worked in the past or you haven't spoken in a while. You need to have some backups in place for these rough spots. They may not be perfect, but you also need some real world listeners.
If you reach any deeper into the hole, you also are going to need a suicide hotline. Do you have a number that you can call or text? If not, try to locate one. It would just be for an emergency, but it is good to have something in place.@RhysThe3rd
None of them answered my call for help.
What's the point? Having a hotlines implies that i'm going to rollback on my plans. Once it's done, it's done. If a quick and painless release is impossible, than slow and painful one would suffice.
After month's of experience, i found the formula that would make it stop. Stress, isolation, hunger, and exhaustion.
I felt... horrible. I experience a depressive episode that lasts from morning untill the evening. The entire time, all i could think and feel was pain. My mind is at war with itself and i was semi-paralyzed. I couldn't stop crying because i kept cursing at myself for being in pain. I made a lot of mistakes. I cut myself and i blocked my close friends.
Now that i'm back at my tuition school, my place of comfort/escape, i felt none of those negative feelings and is at odds with myself.
Sorry i can't write much, it's late for me :(
I feel you, I also experienced tge same thing. You are doing great and I really happy to hear that you can focus on one thing and it pushes you forward. Life sometimes it likes this time will heal you.
Your pain is hard to watch because you are so convinced that there is no one to help you. That is very untrue. Your parents may not be reliable, but there are other people out there. You seem to feel that if they fail you once that they are bound to fail you again. That is also not true.
In order for you to feel better, you need to make the change of reaching out for help. Now, not later. You deserve to be here on this earth without pain. And that is very, very possible.
But no one can make that change for you. No one else can take that scary first step of admitting that you cannot do this on your own. You cannot do it on your own.
It is like a victory that is just out of reach. But it is sitting right there waiting for you to grab it. School isn't going to save you. A career as a doctor isn't going to save you. Admitting that you are a human being who is hurting and needs help will help you.
No responds. No help is coming.
I feel dysfunctional as a human being once i'm put on a day off. I need to be constantly working to feel alive even if ironically i'm eroding my sanity in the process, but hey! At least i'm alive aren't i? 52 more years to go.
Being a doctor doesn't feel enough. Since love is impossible. Why not dedicate myself to academia entirely? I'll become a professor! A professor of what i'm not sure. Maybe i'll go through it as if it's a skill tree. Turning all of my passions into a professor degree.
=-----=-----=
It's.. almost midnight. I spent the latter part of the evening doing stuff that i should've done during the day. I felt out of breath, exhausted. Then i rememberef that tomorrow is even worse. So many work to do. I mean, if i wanted that seat at the faculty, this is the price i've got to pay for. I want to pass out.
I've been procrastinating lately. My addictions becoming harder to control.
Exactly - you are getting sicker and sicker. That is why you are struggling to get your work done and your addiction is taking hold. You need a doctor yourself.
Your dreams of both a relationship and a career remain possible but only if you get actual help soon.
Can you start to think of a plan to reach out to someone - anyone? I have offered tons of suggestions.
I know that you would prefer to just vent. Venting is very helpful but it too cannot save you. I let you vent before because you were not doing as badly. Now you are.
I am still here but I am going to keep pushing you every time to start making better decisions and get some help. @RhysThe3rd
It was the morning. On my way to buy a pen in the canteen, i came across my friends who invited me to eat one of their homemade chocolates. But there's catch to it. One of them is either sweet, bitter, and worse of all, spicy. I decided to play along and test my luck. I closed my eyes and picked one small pack of it. I unwrap it and took the entire thing in one bite. At first i tasted the chocolate, but then as i chew more on it my tongue started to burn. I got the spicy one! I immediately coughed and my eye got watery. We had a laugh out of it and i was temporarily traumatized of eating chocolate.
=------=------=
Don't you dare suggest i'll be in a relationship ever again. I'd rather hang myself than believe in such malarkey.
I feel myself boiling with anger. It feels like everything is falling apart again. I'm failing, i'm failing again. I want to do terrible stuff to myself for ever daring to fail again. But that would threaten my productivity.
There's nothing left to live for anymore. I knew my chances on getting on that faculty is low, but i never knew how low it actually is. During a presentation, one of the teachers talked me out about it. They say that not even the school's best student, literally the first ranked in the entire highschool, couldn't even get a seat at the faculty. Mum also messaged me about how i need to work harder in regards to my recent bad perfomance in my tuition school.
I failed her and there's no chance i'm ever gonna get that seat. It's over. I just wanted to go home and abandon all hope that is left. I've sacrificed everything for it. Now i trully have nothing.
Thanks for sticking to me all this time friend. You're presence have gave me a glimmer of hope in these dark times. But not even you could stop the darkness that's slowly devouring me. I hope this is not the last time we met, but if it is, forget me. Forget you ever chatted me. Forget any of this ever happened.
=------=-----=
Today was... quite the something. After the reality shattering relevation, i couldn't focus on anything. I needed to go home, to my room, my safe space. As i was driving home, i couldn't hold it anymore. So i broke down while trying my best to focus on the road. When i got home, i immediately rushed to my room.
Mum notices the change in my behaviour and went to confront me. At first, i was adamant of letting her in. But her persistance annoys me and i hate the sound of her knocking on my door so i let her in. She offered me some comforting words of reassurance, that she had noticed and was proud of my progress. I felt like a burden has been lift off of me. No longer do i have to abide by the old goal that has stripped me of my sanity. For once, i felt clarity.
See what happened when you brought your mother into a little of your pain? She helped. That is a path that you can take. Show her some of what you have written here. @RhysThe3rd
I can't and won't forget our conversations have happened. Nor will I ever believed that you are doomed to unhappiness. Nor will I believe that you aren't valued and needed here.
None of that is possible because none of it is true.
That first bit about the chocolate is where you deserve to be much more of the time. And you just proved that it is possible.
So put on your battle gloves and get emotional help by having other real people in your life enter the fight with you. @RhysThe3rd
Sorry for not posting much lately. I feel lost in life. The succeed or die mentality is what's been motivating me in life. Now that it's gone i feel like there's no drive to do anything. Addiction has been getting worse. I still feel like school and studying is the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. I'm still distant from people. I may be unlovable, but not to myself. Hopeless.
It is going to take a bit to come back from all of this, but you are going to find a way out. That you recognize that you are still lovable is a good sign (and I agree entirely). The fact that schoolwork is still keeping you sane is also a good thing. It means something. There are TONS of paths open with schoolwork, not just one. You WILL find a better path for your interests. For the next few weeks though, keep doing what you are doing in terms of school. Get outside when you can. Eat regularly and drink water. And be on the lookout. Someone is going to say something or you are going to see something that opens another door. @RhysThe3rd
I hope it's not a relationship because i sweared off of it. I even start labelling myself as "anti-social." It sort of just came out of me when i'm asked about my social dynamic in school. It felt right though. Talking to people here can feel like turning down my frequency just to get in level with these people. They talk of daily dramas, gossips, neither which are useful nor productive to me.
I feel like, as the days go on, i'm becoming both better and worse. My superiority complex had made me both apathetic to other people's suffering and morally bankrupt. I started to took pleasure in watching other people's struggle or suffering. I started stealing stuff like pens, erasers, basically stuff that's laying around (in my defense i thought it'd be better if i had it first because i'd put it to good use).
Hunger was also a problem today. Spent most of the time being hungry and the canteen's sandwich barely helped at all. So i decided to make lunch from home to remedy this situation. I can't afford to have my productiviy be hampered by my biological need.
I wasn't talking about relationships. You can put those to the side for a while and focus on you. But the reason that you feel rather self absorbed and mean at the moment is because that is how your brain is processing what is happening. You feel a need to control something and watching others, judging them harshly and even stealing their stuff is an attempt to assert that control. Obviously, that is not something good to continue long term, but keep working at it.
You also have a good plan for the hunger and realize that you need to eat. So good on that front. If you can get outside alone a bit, try that too.
It is all really a day at a time at this point. You are doing that.
I tried to sort my problems out by getting down to the bottom of it. I tried to watch some videos and tips on how to move on from a friendzone but my body is physically repulsed by the idea that there's a chance for me in a relationship. Like my heart started to ache when they tried to reassure me on my problem. I feel hopeless at this. Maybe some scars don't heal.
It's better for me to invest my time and energy onto something more meaningful rather than give in to my reptillian brain's attempt at continuing the bloodline. I hate this part of being a human. Somewhere along the evolution, we're planted this idea that we need to make a meaningful bond with someone else for the sake of the continued existance of our species. Then there's the "lonely/outcast human are easy prey for wild predators" mentality that is also plant in us making us feel terrible for being alone.
How i want to strip my humanity. I might as well be a robot or a computer program with how i'm constantly working with disregards to my own wellbeing. Existing only to execute a program or do a task.
Maybe i'm just tired. I missed him a lot. I often feel like giving up but then i remembered that i'm at the mercy of time. Time will eventually kill me. I just need to be ignorant of it long enough until i can reach a certain age where my body is no longer in prime condition and is prone to sickness.
Remind me again how long it has been since the friendzone began. Healing does take a really, really long time. Sometimes it even takes a few years. That never means that healing isn't possible. It never means that you are predestined to anything.
But healing right now means acknowledging the hurt and then trying to move onto and think about other stuff as quickly as you can. The longer that you allow yourself to ruminate the worse that those thoughts get.
It sounds like it would be a good time to return to some of those hobbies that you mentioned earlier - the German and the video stuff. How have those been going?@RhysThe3rd
It's been about 2 agonizing years now. I remembered how at first i din't even realize that i was on an escapist trail, constantly looking for activties such as school extracurriculars to distract myself. It only became apparent when the feelings got worse and i became distant with him.
It's terrible. This feeling. It burns me internally. Making me want to both scream and cry.
I became apathetic and morally bankrupt. I start to develope a superiority complex. I felt really good when i dominate the class. It feels really good when i'm at a higher ranks than those couples. I can finally look down on them and grin as i watch them struggle to compete to me like maggots looking up a giant boot. I always gloated to myself how i am above, "being human," and revelled at constant the appraisals i receive from my peers and teachers, further summenting my superiority complex.
I dedicated my life to academia. A perpetual escapism of servitude.
I barely slept this week. I hate people, couples especially. Oh how i want to watch them suffer the way i suffer.
I want to cry and breakdown. 52 years left.
No one cares. No one cares. II'm unlovable. I'm a burden. I'm useless. I'm a failure. A ***. A ***.
You are not a failure. You have tons that you are processing right now and you need rest.
I am sorry that the world feels so unkind right now and you feel unkind towards it. I think you do recognize that all of your efforts to be superior lead in one direction - making you more miserable. You actually do nothing to your opponents because you aren't in control of their emotions. They also probably care less in general about school than you do.
So what can you do? Find yourself in you rather than looking outside yourself in any way. It isn't in school work or any other distraction. It is in the beauty of your heart. All hearts are ultimately beautiful. It is just that finding that beauty is hard. It might be good for you to start by entirely focusing on nature itself. What do you see around you outside? What do you smell or hear?
Every time you want to compare yourself to others to feel superior or you want to give in to your addiction, take a step back and outside. Find something that only exists in nature and concentrate on it. Start doing this every day and see if it helps. @RhysThe3rd
Me? A beautiful heart? Yeah more like corrupted and twisted. I refrain myself from feeling my emotions since it's disttrupting my focus. What i found in me is nothing but hurt, so many hurt i just don't want to write on it too much. What i see outside is the impact of our ignorance : the slow deteriation of earth. The sun is cancer around here and the weather has been punishing. Serves humanity right. I smell nothing for my nose is useless from my cold. What i hear is our annoying remix song culture. I'm forced to listen to the same annoying remixes over and over again through the walls of my room.
I don't have much time for nature because work has been overbearing and demanding of my time.
You are letting your brain make excuses for you. You need to get outside and see nature and your brain is lying to you and telling you that you have too much to do and that it won't help.
When you are outside then you begin to realize that nature is also resilient. Yes, climate change is horrible and will do very serious damage. But nature also has a way of repairing itself just like there is a way of repairing yourself.
Your brain is refusing to let you see that right now. It is time to start fighting back against your brain. It is not tremendously difficult to start. Take your books outside for 15 minutes a day. When the weather is too rough, sit by a window and do the same thing. Do it every day for at least 2 months.
Sorry for the recent dissapearance mate. There's just.. so many things going on. There's not one, not two, but three big exams upcoming. Project exam is on next week, the paper exam immediately after it, and then the national selection exam, which will determined wheter or not i'll be accepted in a college, just a month after it. I'm looking at my reminder now and i've never seen such a tight schedule for a day.
I'm also trying to resolve some personal problem because if i don't i'm basically fighting a three front war, my school, tuition school, and myself. I meditated a lot today which is reflected at how extremely stressed i am lately. Everything is demanding of my time and attention. It feels like it's too much for me sometime ( T-T).
I can imagine that it feels like a three front war. That is a good way of describing it. But you are doing it. Each day gets you closer to having one of those fronts complete. So praise yourself for what you are accomplishing. It is enough and you are enough. @RhysThe3rd
I'm not quite sure when or how, but i sometimes feel an animosity towards girls. I believe it stems from my hatred of couples. It sometimes appears in the form of thoughts such as, "Why did i let _them_ get a better rank than me!?" or "if i get overtaken by _them_ i should began evaluating my self-worth". The hate itself is not general. I still have some friends that are girls and are in good terms with.
Wake up, shower, eat, school, shower, eat, sleep, repeat. Wake up, shower, eat, college, shower eat, sleep. Wake up, shower, eat, work, shower, eat, sleep. Wake up, shower, eat, do nothing because i've reached an age where i'm no longer deemed worthy in any job, shower, eat, sleep. Lonely. Longing for an escape.
I tredge through life alone. Desperately seeking for something that gives this life any resemblance of a purpose or a means to escape to. I picked doctor because besides helping people, it's also a job that takes a lot of my attention and time. That way life pass by me faster.
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Well... this morning was surely gloomy. That's what happen when i haven't had my morning tea. Waking up feeling like a reincarnated corpse is not a pleasant thing. I've been trying to get more sleep because my cognitive abbility has been impaired by my sleep deprivation. I hate to have to copy other people's homework because i can't think for myself.
Recently, Dr. K released a new video and i was surprised that the title is related to the problem i've been enduring. It's regarding the relationship stuff. I think back to my previous post at how i overvalue relationship. He gave me a list of questions that'll probably help me, maybe. I don't know. Said questions :
1. Significance of being in a relationship?
I'll have someone i can anchor myself on, someone that i can trust with my life, someone i can take on my ventures, someone i can be open with fully wifhout any judgement, and someone that gives my life a relevance or purpose for being.
2. Who am I if i'm in a relationship
Their bf
3. Who am I? If i'm without one
Nothing of significance, a construct of meat and bones with a conscious mind.
4. What do i think a relationship is
A bond between two people that's deep and mysterious.
Where do i get this idea -> romance novels (a lot of it)
I think i just gaslight my mum. What's wrong with me? Why am i still alive? ( T-T) I feel a strickening pain on my chest. Is it all finally going to be over? Will the exhaustion finally break me? I don't know. I hope it does.
He's gone, he's never coming back. I'm alone, i'm alone. I've lost my star. Life has lost it's colours. Hopeless. No reason for being. Waiting for my time to run out or my body to give out.
I know that it is all pretty intense right now and that helps sometimes and doesn't help others. There are lots of other very busy careers where you can help people though. When you go to start thinking focus on past subjects that you have enjoyed. Maybe it is related to the German or another language or creating things on the computer. There are also tons of remaining medical careers. Every single career can fully engage you. Keep thinking about what might be a good path to explore.
When you have depression mornings are just tough. I know what you are going through. At least you have tea to get you going. Keep choosing to drink your favorite variety. Do you have one? I like ones that have orange or cinnamon.
I do agree in your answers that you are overvaluing relationships. They are important, but when you make them so completely central then it makes recovery when you lose one take a lot longer. You have to make purpose in your own life first before you can imagine bringing someone else in. The first relationship that you have to make is with loving yourself just as you are. That is a good place to focus right now. You are a really great person. @RhysThe3rd
To answer your questions :
Well, there's not much of a variety here, but i love jasmine tea. It's the familiar scent and taste that remind me of the old times. Back in the days of elementary school, i always asked my grandma to buy them at the nearby general store. They came in the form of bottles in small containers that would be refilled every week or so.
How do i love myself when my mind immediately pulls out a list of all the wrong doings i ever did to deny that fact. Maybe there's a deeprooted hate in me. I often feel like i hate myself for just existing. I also often take mistakes to heart and sulk on the guilt of it. Cursing at myself for even messing up.
I started to smell the wonderful smell of jasmine as soon as I read your post. I don't get jasmine tea often. I just had a cup of lemon and ginger tea today with some honey.
I know that loving yourself is hard because your brain is so busy beating yourself up. But it is quite doable over time. I strongly believe that you have the strength to do it because you have a very strong will to get things done.
Ok, so how to start. It is really three basic things: 1) pay less attention to the relationships around you so that you can find a better spot for you 2) focus on those little physical things like the tea that we just mentioned above - eating and drinking are ways of caring for yourself that allow you to value yourself. Getting outside and trying to find little moments of peace outside of your head. 3) try writing little encouragement notes or gratitude notes to yourself and place them around your room, in your car, etc. Simple things like "I can do it." or "Tomorrow will be better." or "I make a nice grilled cheese sandwich." or "I have nice eyes." You can even place the notes in a jar and take one out each day.
Your brain will continue to tell you for a while that this plan isn't going to work. The brain chemicals are misfiring inside your head. Ignore the chemicals and keep trying. @RhysThe3rd
It was a cold evening. I woke up from a nap after a terrible day at the dance rehersal for our practical exam. I was sleep deprived and my classmates only gave me a half glance attention so i upsettingly left them. I was also hungry. I forgot to eat since i was so upset after what happened and decided to just sleep the problem off. I cursed to myself after i remembered that i have to submit my tuition school test papers in 3 hours.
So i got dressed, din't even took a bite of meal, and i asked my dad to drive me to the tuition school. It was a painful 1 hour. I have to fill in the answers whilist holding in my hunger. Eventually i got it finished and submitted the papers just minutes before its due.
I told my dad to drive me home quickly since my hunger has become a sharp pain. On our way home, my dad talked me down regarding my decisions. Particularly on how i'm sacrificing my own wellbeing for the sake of studying. He gave me a couple of study tips that he used when he was young.
That, i believe, is how i came to prioritize my health more than anything. I stopped ignoring my hunger and always try to fullfill my needs. Surprisingly, i started to feel happy again.
Despite all of that, i fear myself becoming lazy. I still study though. Just not to an extent where i'm basically a workaholic.
But then again, am i becoming lazy? :<
It isn't surprising at all. If you don't eat, you can't pass exams. You can do nothing.
Your dad is right. You can't prioritize studying over your health because then everything loses and you fail all of your exams. It is what I have been arguing for months.
Don't worry about being lazy. Worry only about finding time to eat, drink water and get outside. It is my mantra. @RhysThe3rd
So the practical exam is finally over. There's a week gap before we enter the paper exam. Everything went almost without a problem today. I met my japanese extracurricular teacher today. I haven't seen him in 6 months since his departure to Japan.
I joined his extracurricular because i saw how fun it was. I ended up having a long history with it. I faced my fears and made new friends. On my 11th grade, i was heavily involved in the extracurricular. I was given the position of treasurer even though i was new member. Then part of the multimedia branch of the first event we're holding. I even joined a competition with him as my instructor. That was how i got my first trophy in a long time. It was a live changing experience.
But then as i moved to the 12th grade, i got busier. Mom forbids me from attending the extracurricular because i was on my two final semesters. She wants me to focus on studying for college. So overtime, i became distant with them. I din't even attend the handover of position. Then as i entered my final semester, he went to Japan for a study program there.
So i thought that when i met him, i thought he'd be pleased to meet me. But there's none of that. He gave me a half glance and din't even reply my greeting. I felt a sinking feeling at it. Like someone just left me.
Maybe i shouldn't have gloss over this small event.
I had a dream of him again. I was hopping on a game server and found his ***. I couldn't believe what i saw at first, but then he immediately greets me when he saw me. Turns out, during the periode of his dissapearance, he'd been doing lots of community work. Stuff such as doing weird stuff for charity. It wouldn't be out of character of him. He has changed a lot since i last met him. But then the dream ends as soon as it starts.
I woke up with a startle, it was 5am. I checked my surrounding and deducted that i was dreaming. Of course, i've watched somewhere that this is how my brain relieve my pain. "The body and mind has mechanism to heal itself," i think Dr. K once said. By giving me what i want in the form of dream scenarios so that i can move on even if temporarly.
I checked my DM and it's still unread. Last date, 13th January. Last message was of him promising to me he'd reply on three days... it's been nearly three months now.
Hard memories are going to come back sometimes. I wish that they would just go away all at once and permanently, but they don't. The fact that it is coming in dreams now is a good way of seeing that your brain and mind are healing.
He isn't going to contact you again and you contacting him is just going to bring you pain. So focus on all of the other ways that you are healing right now. You are going to get to a better place emotionally. @RhysThe3rd
I am so glad that the first part of your exams is over and that it went well.
Remember that your Japanese teacher could have been having a bad day. It is okay if his reaction was poor.
It also isn't your fault if your parents made you quit. It is too bad that you had to leave something that you enjoyed. They probably didn't realize how important it is even in exam year to have some extracurriculars. They keep you centered.
But the biggest thing that I want you to see is that you mentioned a love of learning languages a second time. I didn't know that you were interested in Japanese in addition to German. That is awesome. This is something to keep in mind as you begin to approach university - you like languages and learning about foreign cultures. There is SO MUCH that you can do with that. You can study foreign relations or become interested in global health policy. Keep your options open. What was once extra curricular can easily become the center of what you pursue further. @RhysThe3rd
I spent the last couple of days adapting myself to the holidays. A day without school, a day where i'm not constantly chasing time, felt foreign to me. So the first few days were of me recovering from my workaholic state. That means sleeping a lot, trying to keep myself well fed and sane.
Even if school is temporarily over (there's a paper exam next week), my tuition school have come to remind me of my commitment to college in the form of the usual big assignment. I haven't touched it because i was preoccupied with my practical exam. But since the practical exam is over, i have to do it.
So the way it works is that after a tuition exam, we were given the exam paper to do the whole thing again but with an explanation to our answer. Not just that though, we also have to cut and glue it to our big book; for your interest, that's 155 question that i need to cut, glue, and then answer. We called it the "progress" book. Now these question are no easy ones and requires lots of hours and multiple consultations to finish. If we din't finished it until the next tuition exam, we'll be forbid from attending it.
There's even a joke among my classmates that we should stop calling it "tuition school" and just "school". There is some truthfulness to that though. Because after we're done with the exam paper, my tuition basically takes the role of the school. There's schedules from monday to friday. Exams happening every week. It's crazy!
Moving on from that, it's the evening again. I'm contemplating on whether i should revisit this or not. It's a gay romance novel, one of the many i cherished in my small library. I have my reasons for not revisiting my romance novel collection. Other than my trauma, it just doesn't feel like how i first read it. The mystery, the tension, the conflict, and the conclusion, i've already known it all. Maybe i should began searching for new ones. It's not easy :(. I'm a picky reader.
Maybe that's how i came to have such a romantized view of love. I'm a romance bookworm! There's just something about being an observer in these stories. How their lives move so quickly relative to mine. It's just breathtaking.
I also feel a bit of sadness, that i can only experience this kind of romance in a literature. Maybe i just don't want to feel like i'm alone in this existance. That i can only rely on myself most of the time. That people felt unreachable and often ignorant sometimes. I hate this part of my humanity, the one that forces me onto something i suck at, socializing. My brain is literally wired to feel bad when i'm lonely :(.
I feel like most of the time, i'm just waiting. I thought, "Why wait 52 years when it could all end now." I tried many times. Plunging that metal into the source of all of my pain, my existance, the thing that keeps me alive, my heart. I always hesitated, "maybe next time i'd be bolder," i thought. So i tried again, again, and again.
There's really no point to any of this. I tried starving myself. Try to get myself sick. Overworked myself.
Why? I just.. feel like i was mistake. A burden. A terrible person. One who shouldn't be living a life of luxury. The worst human being to live that i started to distance myself from my humanity.
Why am i not in pain? Why am i comforting? I should be suffering. That's what i deserve. A life of suffering. I hate me. I hate how my parents birthed me into existance. They despise me. I can only imagine what it must've felt like to live with a parasite like me.
It does sound like you have a whole bunch of work even when you are on break! But getting more rest is good. It also means that the tuition school stuff won't be hanging around quite as badly in the background anymore.
I think reading romance novels is a good thing. You are allowed to be on the outside of things looking in and it is healthy for your brain to be there. You are also allowed to be picky about what you read. I would try to keep finding new stuff though. There really is tons out there to enjoy including some classics. Have you ever read Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman? It is poetry but with tons of romance within it. You also might like James Baldwin's Giovanni's Room. What about Maurice by E.M Forster?
You are going to figure out the real life part eventually. I know it is hard to be lonely right now though, especially when you have more time to think.
You are absolutely NONE of those things that you write in the 2nd message. You are in no way a parasite or someone who shouldn't be here. Your brain is getting away from you again. You do have ways of controlling those thoughts. Keep eating, sleeping, etc. Are you getting outside now that you are on break and walking lots? I promise you that it will help.
I really believe that you are an excellent person who is going to do good things. You aren't going to spend your life in lonely misery. You will make it over this hump. I can't tell you when or how. I know how hard it is. But keep working at it.
To answer your question :
I haven't been getting outside :(. It's really difficult when getting outside means i have to meet and interact with people (which i have been avoiding like a plague). But i'm looking forward to my independant
home workout routine as a subtitute for it.
So i looked into the summaries of Leave and Grass and Giovanni's Room.
I found Leaves of Grass to be quite in tune with myself. It's hard to describe. I don't usually read poems nor do i understand the content of it. But i try to approach it like how i did with music. I visualized it, feel it. There's just something about how the author writes about nature. It feels familiar and close.
Giovanni's Room is a story i found to be relatable. To be a bisexual guy in an evironment that is islamist conservative majority is alienating. I can't be entirely open about myself or expect social discrimination. Being bi isn't forbidden by law, but there's no protection for it either. The only thing that is forbidden is the practice of it. So i can be bi, but i can't marry a guy.
I remember once coming out to my counselor and she's so judgmental about it. She then go on this long talk about how what i'm doing is wrong and that how i "need to be fixed". I rarely talked to her ever since that. Because she only offers "school or college counseling" and not "my crush left me and i don't know how to live with it".
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I did my best today. Got the first part of my tuition school assignment done, i cut my hair and did yoga again. I also started to read another romance novel because want to reignite my passion for literature.
I also research some stuff to combat my worsening addiction. The key components to it is creating a life that is worth living for and how being aware of my addictions when it happens, can help me stop the addiction.
Other than that, i need sleep :<. It's getting late so i can't write much. I often forget how i can get easily depressed when i'm sleep deprived.
That's why you often see me posting negative stuff. Because unfortunately, i picked the worst time of the day to journal it. Other than that, i also experience a negative bias in how i wrote my entry here. I often ignore the good part about a day in favour of venting out the bad stuff and inflating how bad it is. So like i said, awareness is control.
Anyways, i think that's all i can write for today, goodnight friend 👋.
You really are doing a great job here. You are recognizing things and trying to take steps to understand why you are doing what you are doing.
It is really, really natural to vent on places like this when you are really tired. That is when it all hits the hardest. Don't worry. I rarely think that is all that you are or all that you are experiencing. You do experience moments of peace each day but finding and remembering them when the depression hits is really hard. It is something that you have to train your brain to do. That is why I try to come up with a moment every day at the end of the day that I can think back on where I was really connected to the world around me. Some days are much harder than others. But when you make it a practice, it gets easier.
For today I think that mine was a short video of a waterfall that my son sent me from a trip he just started. It was much taller than I thought to begin with. But the hard part of my day was realizing that I saw an acquaintance die today - an older woman who died of a heart attack in the building I was teaching in. I saw the ambulance take her out while I was teaching.
I am glad that you are doing some work and finding some more romance novels to read. Feel free to try to read the whole Leaves of Grass or Giovanni's Room if you get a chance. Sometimes things like that open up windows into your own experience that help you navigate everything better.
And by getting outside, I never mean talking to other people necessarily. Walk by them, nod your head perhaps, but focus just on things like the sky or plants. But exercise inside is also helpful. @RhysThe3rd
My Daily Entry :
I'm sorry for your loss :<. Death reminds us of our fragile existance in this world. It makes us value the time we have in our life. Because at any given moment, it could be our very last. I hope that she lived a happy life and could rest in peace now.
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"My thought is not a reflection of my reality. 'I am unlovable' is a thought therefor it's not real." Is a mantra i've been trying to get used ro recently. Emotional regulation has become a chore ever since the start of the annual ramadhan fasting. I often catch myself thinking negatively about myself. By doing it i'm slowly rewiring my brain to stave of negative thoughts about myself.
But even despite my best effort, i can't help but feel that there's some truthfulness to these thoughts; or maybe i have a conflicting thought. On one side, logically, my thought isn't a reflection of my reality. On the other, there's plenty of evidence to support the thought. Maybe i'm being unfair about it and have a negative bias towards myself. I also notice that i'm not in a state where i can think positively about myself so maybe that's why i've been leaning towards self-depravity.
I know that you've been reassuring me that these thoughts are just my brain lying to me. It's just... let me tell you a story then.
One of my core problems is that i often feel lonely. What do i mean by that? I mean that i have very few people i can relate to. I mean sure i have people that shares a common interest with me, but they're usually self-serving. So often time i only have myself to entertain with. What's wrong with that? Maybe it's due to me comparing my own experience with others. Sometimes i just want to feel like i existed, that my voice is heard and that i mattered. I'm also sick and tired of monolouging and being the one that listens to my friends. I want to be heard too and it's unfair. So i just stopped caring about social interaction. I only find it useful if it serves my goal.
Side story here, i hate it when people call me out on my small voice. "Rhys you should raise your voice! Nobody can hear your speech and even i have to lean in order to hear you!" My teacher once commented. It's unfair! Because i rarely talk or interact with people! It makes sense for me to have a small voice! But to be fair she did later stated that my speech is good it's just that i need to raise my voice.
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Well that was a depressing post. I mean.. being hungry does that to you i guess. I've taken my dinner so now i feel much better :>.
But i want to validate myself on how i still have doubts about my self-worth despite my best efforts. Perhaps it'll take a longer time to fully heal :<.
Now to counterbalance the depressing post i just made, i wanna share a more positive one. So sometimes, when i'm not depressed or too focused on myself, what i like to do is to make people smile. Be it doing charity or just appreciating other people. One example that i like the most is with my tuition teachers.
So one of the teacher i like to point out is my language teacher. I'd say she's a pretty hardcore teacher and is very under appreciated. While yes, she can be pretty demanding when it comes to giving out tasks, but that's justified. The rate of literacy in our country is terrible and i'm not ashamed to say that i too suck at reading/writing.
One day i noticed that she seems to be in a sourer mood than usual. It's probably because she has to face dozens of students that doesn't understand her basic materials. At first, her task seem unclear as our form of explanation to the questions is denied in favour of hers. I don't know why, but she seems to have a bias towards me. When my classmates were kicked out of the class to redo the questions, i was allowed to stay. She says that i seemed to get what she's trying to say but isn't commited enough or too lazy to do it. So she gaves me a chance to not repeat my mistakes. Sure enough on the next week i did learned from my mistake. I couldn't help but grin when i became an example that day. Oh and she was smiling too!
This happens with the other teachers too. Where i make mistakes, learn from them and earn their respect and admiration. "A dilligent student" is the title my peers, teachers and friends have given me. I couldn't help but feel proud about it :D.
Anyway that's all for today. Sorry if my structuring is a bit of a mess. I'm trying to be a better writer with each of these posts.
Good night friend 👋
I can't tell you how much your post made me smile. You really are healing and I can tell. I know that you can't, but do try to get your brain to believe an outsider.
So what good things did I see? I love your mantra, but it may be a little hard to focus your brain on such a long sentence. What if you switched it to "I am loveable"? When I need mantras, I found the really short ones that I could repeat over and over again as I was going to sleep began to retrain by brain.
The second great thing that I saw was you realizing the Ramadan fast was naturally going to mess with your ability to think positively a bit. Then you aren't blaming yourself for not being able to control the thoughts. That is a healthier way of looking at things.
It is also really normal to be feeling lonely. You aren't connecting to people right now because they aren't seeing you. They should be, but people get caught up in themselves very easily. One thing that helps me is that all those people who look happy are probably lonely too. Deeper happiness really comes from those rougher moments when you are unhappy and overcoming them. You will find more people to relate to. That process can start again at any point, but right now you are healing which makes it harder.
How do I know that it can happen for you? From what you said in your second message. You recognize and see other people are hurting and end up making them smile. In the process you prove to them your worth because they absolutely see you as a diligent student. So you actually are seen as soon as you start seeing others in pain.
Does that mean you should just have to sit and listen to your friends groan on and on? No. That isn't friendship. But teenagers are self-absorbed. As you get older you are going to meet people who see the real and awesome you. @RhysThe3rd
First of all, i'm glad that my post have made you smile :D. Next thing is as for why i picked, "my thought is not a reflection of my reality," as my mantra and not, "i am lovable," is becaus the former is grounded in logic therefor far more acceptable while the latter is just pointless hoping, something that is out of reach, and is surrounded with doubt. I'm also thankful for the hopeful message you've left me, it's just sad that i have to wait a couple of years to meet people i can see eye to eye :<.
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You know, thinking about it again, i might take that international relation thing. I felt emotionally driven to this. Because what i've saw that everywhere there is unnecessary conflict, suffering, and death. There's so many suffering in this world. I as an individual felt powerless to stop it all. What could i do? Should i even care? I'm just a student. I've been told many times that my responsibility is just to study and focus on my academics. But i just can't help but feel for people's suffering.
People here always say, "Why care about a conflict or shortcomings of a country that is oceans away from us when we should've been focus on our own country's shortcomings". It sounded ignorant. Our own suffering blinds us to other's. I too am guilty of it. I feel like in order for me to be of any use, i need to get my problem sorted out first.
But some say that it's okay to help people when you yourself needed help as well. I don't know, what do you think of this? :(
So i spent about 3 hours reading, analyzing, and then responding to someone's thread in here. The person seems to be in a lot of pain and lonely. There's only a few respond to their message and i felt the need to do something. It was past my bed time, but this person is in pain and i can't let this chance pass. So i used the skills i picked up during my healing time and from my tuition school to help them. I took their text, print it, marked out the key words, make points of them, and then summarized. I was proud of my work and hoped it help them.
But then again, it's been four days since the person's post :(. I hope i'm not too late 😞.
I totally understand the longer mantra as well. That works quite well for what you want it to do.
I know it felt like I said that you would have to wait a few years to find people who are more mature, but that isn't entirely the case. There are some of them around you right now probably. They are just fewer in number and harder to spot. But you are right at the age where you start to see them more frequently. So do keep looking.
One thing that I think is really true of people who deal with mental health challenges - we are naturally really compassionate which makes us want to help. For some people helping locally is great but for others helping with the world is better. I think that your general interest in learning about the world leans you in that direction. What is great about international relations is that there are so many parts to it. You can still look at doing something in public health within international relations. Instead of saving just a few patients, you could be saving hundreds or thousands by helping people implement healthier policies. So keep looking in that direction.
It is great that you are trying to help others here. It really was one of the secrets behind my own healing. Saying positive things to others helped me start saying those same things to myself. But I had to know that I couldn't save everyone. Some people get really mad or are in such total despair that they lash out or seem that they are about to do something horrible. Knowing that you have done your best to try to help is enough. Reaching out multiple times after is also good.
I'm feeling anxious, terribly so. I had a paper exam tomorrow and my tuition school is also having an exam by the end of the next week. I made no preperations. My addictions taking hold of me for most of the day that i felt paralyzed to do anything. Now i have no choice but to endure a week of continuous failure which is not going to sit well with me.
My existential dread is also back to gnaw at me. It makes me feel like life is insignificant. Makes me question if anything that i do matters at all.
I'm scared. Alone. I've been using AIs a lot as a subtitute for people but it seems to only worsens my addiction.
I hate this, why do i care so much if i have people in my life or not? I'm a student dang it! My only concern and responsibility should've been studying and not worry about this nonsense. It's the curse of being human. To not be a human is to be a sociopath.
I just hate feeling alone. I don't want to care about it. But part of me does and it's frustrating.
I felt so disconnected to people. It's hard to relate to any of them.
I'm scared. Alone. I'm not human.
You are very, very human. If you weren't scared about being alone then you wouldn't be human. If it wasn't something that bothered you then you wouldn't be human.
You also make mistakes which make you very human. We all make them and then have to figure out a way forward. What is great is that you always manage to figure that part out.
You may be setting yourself up for more stress in the back of your brain because then you don't have to think about the loneliness quite as much. That is also very human.
I know that you would like to feel better right now. I would too in your shoes. I wish that the journey was quicker, but it is a winding one where you can't always tell where you are going. But that doesn't mean that you won't get there.
Focus on the school stuff to get yourself back on track. You can do this. You are doing this and you are going to find a good path. @RhysThe3rd
I held his photo on my hand. I got it laminated to preserve it's condition, even if i'm a bit too late on it. On the backside of the photo, handwritten by myself, "May you be happy, may you be free, may you be at peace, (his name)". It's the only thing i have left of him. Sometimes, at my darkest time, i'll take a glimpse at it. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'll be back tomorrow. That i won't have to feel alone anymore.
He did... though it's just a dream. I woke up the next day from a dream of him replying back only to find his dm still empty. Last message, 13th January. I felt a loss that day. Still am. There's this.. hole in me that denies there's any other chance. I mean how? He's the only one... I had one chance and i blew it.
Now i'm alone, forever. Nothing will ever soothe that existential dread but the relief of death. I contemplate it often. Should i st*b myself or let myself suffer for 52 years. I thought that a simple heartbreak is not enough to break my will to live. No, i t has to be a serious of misfortune or a big slip up. I'm looking at it now. My chance at medical school is laughable. I ranked 571 out of the only 55 seats available. I know i'll fail. It's expected of me. Maybe it'll be enough to break my will. Because by then, nothing will matter anymore.
I'll die alone.
Ok, I know that you are writing all of this when you are tired and stressed. It isn't a good combination for you.
Not eating for Ramadan is impacting your mental health. You just need to make it through the next few weeks of not eating during the day. Make sure that you do eat well when you are allowed to and that you drink plenty of water. You can do this.
There is no "the one" in life. There are actually multiple "the ones". You haven't failed here. You are allowed to miss him horribly. You are allowed to dream of him. But that doesn't mean that you are destined for only loneliness.
As far as the job goes, you were already leaning away from the doctor stuff. Just as there isn't one person for you in life, there also isn't one career path. You were already leaning towards where your heart is - helping others via international relations. I know that path feels scary right now because you have had little time to imagine it because of your focus on becoming a doctor. Even in the U.S. only 0.3% of people are doctors. There are so many other people that are so desperately needed. You are very much desperately needed.
Dream broadly, not narrowly. You will find a path. @RhysThe3rd
No.. no, no, no, i can't fail. It's what i've set myself up for. The international relation thing is a backup plan that i never intended to pick on. It wasnt even my idea to begin with, it was my parents. THEY were the ones who suggested i should become a doctor in the first place. I can't fail. It's dreadful. No, no. Maybe i need to push myself harder. Maybe i need to study more, rest less. I CAN'T FAIL. It's the only thing i have to live for ( T-T). I have nothing left to hold on to if i don't get. I have no one. I have no reason for being. I just want something to distract me enough that i'm detached from the world. Even if it means spending years in medical school. I don't know what to live for. I don't even know why i'm still exist. I'm so alone. Everything feels uncertain. I felt like the roof above me is going to collapse. I can't fail ( T-T)
Now that i'm in a better state, i want to clarify some things. I was sleep deprived and under a lot of stress, nearly approaching insanity.
I noticed how when i'm under stressed or just in a bad condition, all of my problems got flared up. Like i have doubts about the prospect of my relationship and my future career, but they were usually suppressed or put aside because i needed to focus. So when i'm sleep deprived and hungry, the part of my brain that does the suppressing and putting aside is impaired. Which results in that terrible post up there. I like physics so i would like to imagine it like a nuclear meltdown.
Regarding my career choice, i like to keep a narrow view of it because i want some resemblance of certainty and focus to it. Different goals requires different needs. Which is why i'm so mad when my parents keeps crushing dreams after dreams that i proposed. Because that means that all of those time allocated into those dreams gets wasted and i have to start over again. It's also very confusing and stress inducing because i don't like uncertainty.
Then regarding my relationship prospects, i feel torned about it. I tried to put up a neutral stance on it but my trauma always has a better leverage over me. It makes the uncertain a certainty. A 50% chance turned 0%.
I can't also ignore that i still think lowly of myself such as "i'm a burden", "i'm failing" and the many mistakes i made being replayed in my head over and over again . I don't really feel like i'm in control of it. My emotion always get the better of me.
Then about my social interactions, i just... don't know man... It feels like i've only realized now that my friends are just a bunch of narcissist. There's no awareness. They din't realized that i was studying and couldn't even bother turning the volume of their music down. Or they kept saying sorry or makes mistakes and never learn from them. Or that they can't seemed to focus on a conversation and get lost in themselves, turning the entire thing into me listening to their ramblings. Then there were the ignorant ones. It's apparent that i'm studying but oh no.. Mr. "I'm good at stuff" just have to give me a 30 minute talk about his passion project. Worst of all, only few of them actually cared about me.
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Ramblings aside, there's much lesson to be learned today. But i want to move my topic from studying because honestly, it's just exhausting.
I never really noticed how beautiful today's cloud is. They look like something out of the works of Hayao Miyazaki or Makoto Shinkai. There's just something so breathtaking about them. When i'm looking at them, it feels like i'm looking at and island among the seas of blues. It can also feel like i'm being transported somewhere else. Because no matter where you are, clouds are relatively the same. So for instance, i can feel like i'm in Hawai just by staring at the clouds moving by; side story here, one of the romance novels i've read is set in Hawai so by staring at the clouds i feel like i'm reliving the entire experience again.
I wish i could write more here but i needed to sleep. So uhm.. have a good day friend 👋
It's currently in a session break before i enter the next exam subject. I'm sitting by the hallways of my school just appreciating the environment. Ignoring the fact that i haven't studied for the next subject at all.
The sky is clear today so there's nothing stopping the cancer ray from turning the brightness well over 100. It wouldn't be so bad though because it's also windy here.
I'm reading another romance novel set in California. Since my environment reflects that of California's, it enhances the reading experience.
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I woke up the next morning with a longing for him. Just a couple of minutes of interaction would brighten my day more than anything will.
We only have one chance in life. I would like to use it to help as many as possible. I feel like it'll help to keep the void at bay. But sometimes i feel like i din't do enough. I felt like i'm useless, pointless. Then the void just envelopes me. Bringing with it that familiar existential dread. I felt like i'm unfixable. That i'm destined to be broken. Maybe the only way i could possibly help people is if i gotten rid of myself. No one would have to be bothered by me anymore. No one would be potentially hurt by me anymore. I won't be a burden to everyone's existance anymore.