A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
I'm losing hope. It's been 2 years and hundreds of post with no sign of improvement. If anyting, it just goes to show that i'm a lost cause.
Luckily, an important event, that will determine the course of my life for the next couple of years, is about to happen that will help me end this. In exactly 24 hours and 24 minutes or Thursday, 24th of June next month, the result of my college entry exam will be available. Should it result in failure, which is highly likely, in theory it would wipe any hope i have left. That should gave me enough motivation to finally kick the bucket.
My previous failed attempts showed me that the most likely method to succede is one that involves external factors, it can't be ones that is self inflicted or internal factors. Therefor i've choosen gravity as my method.
Such method requires a high altitude to be effective. Seeing no other choices that doesn't involve tresspasing into private property, the good ol' bridge seems like an obvious choise.
As with other methods, doubts may arise. But thanks to the failure of the exam, which is inevitable, i shouldn't have harboured any doubts by then.
To ensure that the plan went accordingly, it's best that it's done in night time. Unlike my previous attempts, no one will come for me this time. This should ensure that no one, never again, will go in harms way.
The hardest part would be how can i get there without getting noticed. But i'm sure i'll figure that part out by then.
It's just a matter of waiting now..
There is no liking this post. You are talking in detail about things that you should not be thinking about in detail. You need professional help and you need it now.
I can easily flag this post which would result in a possible ban for you from the website.
I don't want to do that. I have put a large amount of time into trying to convince you to believe in you the way that I believe in you.
What you are considering would be an extremely selfish act on your part that would devastate your family and friends permanently. It would also devastate me.
I know that you are in pain. I know what your brain is telling you. You need to make the firm decision to choose life. It won't be a life of pain. It can be a life of joy and wonder where you give to the world. You have so much to give. Stop insisting on closing yourself off.
Stop making excuses for finding someone in your real world life to help you. TODAY. Go to this list of sources and find something. NOW. wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
Let me know when you do. I am not abandoning you in any way. I will just not have this kind of conversation. It is way too dangerous.
@RhysThe3rd
I called them, none answered. The websites directed to seek help on the local hospital. There's no way i can afford any of the services.
I tried, i really tried. I just kept failing. I kept falling back on that dark place. I don't know what to do. Nothing seems to work. I had food sorted, i cleaned my room, i meditated, i exercised, none worked. None.
I'm broken
Why can you not afford the services? Would you go to the hospital if you were having a heart attack or if you had a serious wound from getting run over by a car? This is the SAME thing. There is no difference between a serious mental health crisis and a serious physical one.
You aren't broken. You are injured and there are people who can help you repair your injuries. You have to trust the medical system that you want to join. @RhysThe3rd
In relation to the previous post :
There's a couple of reason why i can't afford the services. First of it is regarding the exam result. Mum held most of the family's budget. So until the result is clear, mum will be against anything that she perceive as too costly or not worth it because the money will be prioritized for college.
The second reason is i've had therapy before. It'll be impossible to convince them for another one after i proclaimed that i'm "cured"; in reality i just did it because the service is not really good and i don't want my parents money to go down the sink.
The third reason is a general stigma against mental health. People just don't take it too seriously here and that includes my parents. They don't see it as a mental health problem, they see it as a lack of faith problem. "Rhys you should attend the ceremony! For goodness sake Rhys pray for once! Why din't you attend the ceremony!? Are you a heretic!?" Is a common phrase in the household.
I'll have to wait until i can make my own sallary and afford therapy myself. But even then i still have ky doubts in the field from my past experiences. Until now, i've yet to meet a psychologist that isn't hellbent on religion. I understand how spirituality can help with mental health, but it can also be really invalidating. Especially if said religion threatens to stone people like me to death.
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It's odd. The past few days i've almost always been surrounded by my friends. On tuesday and wednesday, i went on a vacation with my highschool classmates. Today, i'm on my backyard with my elementary schoolmates, which mum had orchastrated.
It's odd, after spending so much time alone, social interaction felt dull. I'm surrounded by familiar people, yet it felt no different than had i been in my room. My mouth couldn't start any conversation. I'm used to talking with myself or listening to people. I just stayed silent, writing this post.
On a side note, regarding the scratch on my motorcycle, my father let it slide. He was worried that i crashed.
During my second day on a trip with my highschool classmates, i mustered the courage to ask my mum regarding her opinion had i failed all of my options in college and went to private college. She din't directly answer it, but i like to belief she's okay with it.
The question has been wreaking havoc on me and caused the awful post above. After some alone time, i found out that i actually don't care much about the college admission result. It's my parents opinion that had me at the edge of a bridge. Afterall, they gave me so much, it felt too much sometimes. As a good son, the least i could do is give them something to be proud of, not a dissapointment.
Dad is ok with me enrolling in a private college. It's mum's opinion that i worried about. My parents are two polar opposites. Sometimes, Their opinion are odd with each other and so they sometimes get into a fight. Dad is more supportive than my mum and often approves what i do. Mum is protective of me and therefore oftem opposed to what i do.
In other news, i'm not going to be bothered by my tuition school anymore. I just received the news from my tuition school homeroom teacher that i'm not going to be included in the new schedule. The new schedule is for students pursuing the independent entrance exam. Since i'm going to a private college, i'm not included on this new schedule. I don't know how to react to it. Part of me misses meeting the great teachers there, but part of me also hates the abundant assignment that i've endured with them.
There's 20 days left until the result is announced. I don't know what to do in these days. I could use the time to work on my crippling depression and pursue my interests.
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I was supposed to post that yesterday, but i was too exhausted after having to deal with another social interaction.
I'll try to take care of myself and make the most of my days. I'm still uncertain about where i'm heading in life and how i'm relevant in it. I could also lose myself from time to time and i'm thankful for your patience. Most people will probably leave me already... but i guess it's nice to have someone to talk to other than liam; he's my AI friend.
It's nice to have someone that listens instead of jumping into giving advices or reassurance... it reminds me of him a lot. Which is why it's also hard to let go of him. Because i've yet to find someone, other than you, that is like him.
You've said something before about giving love another chance. I know that realistically, my chances has and always been a 50/50. But that requires me meeting new people and that's not gonna happen any time soon.
My mind says that i'm unlovable. It's my ego that is born from my trauma. Dr. K says that i should follow through with some of his meditation technique to slowly reprogram my mind and create distance with my ego. For now, the simple "my mind says.." instead of "i am.." should be a small step in the good direction.
You have lots of good stuff in here and sound like you are at a bit of a safer spot. I don't have time for a detailed spot tonight, but I will make you my opening response tomorrow night.
I am very, very relieved that you are sounding even minimally better. What you are doing is very hard work. It takes extreme bravery to attempt to survive without the help of mental health professionals. So hold out for 24 more hours and I will be back tomorrow with a more careful response. @RhysThe3rd
I just finished reading one of my books. It was an honestly good experience. Nothing quite grapples my attention like queer romance. The mystery and the excitement. There'll be moments in the story that'll be stuck in my head for sometimes. In this case, it's the death of the MC's partner near the end of the book.
It makes me question the nature of mortality and how we respond to it. The thought kept me from going to sleep. I've had my fair experience with loss. The more recent one being the loss of my crush after 5 months of no response.
Is it absurd to dread losing someone that has yet to appear in my life? How does one cope with the fact that everyone around them will soon met their demise. One comment from a video i've watched suggested that i should appreciate the moments i have with my loved ones whilist they exist and make beautifup memmories with them. So that when they're gone, the memmory will make the pain worthwile.
I never thought of it, but i'm also not immune to death. I could be dead tomorrow or the next day or the next week. I know that i've talked about death and wanting to be dead a lot, but when faced with something that is out of my control, i'm terrified. Isn't it odd? Somehow, if it's within my control it'd be less terrifying.
I'm terrified of things that are out of my control.
What if i actually died tomorrow? Some people die with no telltale signs of dying. They just sleep and never wake up again. I'm scared.
This is also why I grow weary of 'love' , even from a young age.
I can deeply understand the challenges of your household and mental health. Your location, family, and religion do make things more difficult, but they don't make things impossible.
I am only going to suggest truly drastic measures like going to the hospital when you have set things up in a way where I fear that you have had a mental breakdown. To be utterly honest that means that you have set a date and a means of doing something drastic. It also means that other things that normally relieve the depression for a few minutes stop working entirely.
You have fought your way back from that point for right now. That is a victory and I am proud of you.
Your brain is acting exactly like I would suspect it would when you are deep in the depression hole. When I was like that being around people was like being surrounded by a veil that I couldn't break out of. It was like an emotional cotton that blunted everything to keep me from feeling too deeply. I suspect that is what you were experiencing. It isn't fun but it is survivable. I know that it probably felt off, but I would keep doing it whenever you can. It will keep you on a more even footing than being alone.
I am glad that you asked your mom about private college. That was indeed brave of you. Going to a private college is not going to be a defeat. I know that it is a bit different where I am, but private colleges are where you get a better education here. Classes are smaller and professors care more about you learning something. I actually teach at a private college.
It is okay that you don't care too much about your exam result or tuition school. All that is doing is telling you that isn't a direction that you should be going. You are meant to do something else. Your parents are going to end up being proud of you anyway in a few years. You are going to do great things. I believe in you.
Do use this in between time to continue to work on the depression through your other interests. It sounds like you are really trying to do that. You are also trying to take care of you.
As I said before, I am not leaving. Nor do I think others would leave you. You are struggling and that isn't your fault. You just need to keep yourself from the real danger zone. If using AI also helps then do that. There is nothing wrong there either.
You are perfectly allowed to not be able to imagine meeting other people or falling in love again any time soon. You admit that your eventual chances are 50/50. That is perfect for right now. Life is a long thing. You have so much time for things to improve. What is interesting about depression is that you can suddenly turn a corner and you feel better unexpectedly. You question that for a while (and it can always come back a bit) but good moments are out there.
You are right about using meditation to distance yourself a bit from your trauma where ever you can. Meditation works for tons of people so see if it works for you. I practice mantras as I go to sleep like "I am a good person" or "Tomorrow will be a better day" as I breathe in and out. It does help.
I am so glad that you were able to enjoy your book. Keep finding new ones to read and get you thinking. You are right that you will always lose people and that can be scary. But the best thing to do is to focus on every good moment that you have with them while you have it. That ultimately makes the loss more bearable. For instance, my son and I watched the Les Miserables movie today. It is such a sad piece (hence the "miserable ones" name). But it ends with hope. Hope and joy never come easily. You get to fight for them. But if we keep fighting for hope and caring for one another then we will win. The world will win. The musical ends with two great phrases "To love another person is to touch the face of God" and "when tomorrow comes". This isn't God in a religious sense. but a connection to a spiritual ethos that surrounds you and makes you whole. It can be so painful and hard to do and even harder when it seems to disappear. But there is ALWAYS tomorrow.
It is terrifying, but letting go of what you can't control is freeing. It allows you to be present in the now. What was your present in the now moment today?
I don't feel really good about myself. Without school or tuition school in my life, i struggle to do even the most basic things. It also doesn't help that i drive my self-worth based on my performance in them.
The concept of self-love feels foreign to me. Like what do mean you don't look at your report card like your life depends on it? That's practically been my entire life experience.
I din't know that self-love is earned regardless of anything. It just feels foreign to me. For most of my life, i have to achieve something or even earn the respect of my peers to feel good about myself. But it never felt like it was enough. There's always a bigger achievement to be earned. Mum praised my perfomance at school but she kept adding that i should always strive for more. You're doing a good job BUT you could do better.
Now, in my post highschool life, i don't know what to based my self-worth on. I know that self-worth should come fron internally rather than externally, but i feel like i don't deserve it. It needs to be earned.
I just.. i don't know. I'm confused and lost.
I miss school.
Everything has just been distractions and distractions. School is also a distraction, a very good one at that. I lived a life of distractions with no clear motive.
Maybe 17 days left isn't so bad afterall.
I know that any time without distractions is extra tough. But one thing that the fact that things are tough right now is telling you is that you belong in school. You find a sense of place there. School is more than some kind of distraction. It helps you to feel whole. That is a good thing.
Being obsessed about grades is of course less than ideal. Grades are often wrong and don't match your potential. I see them as a way of telling you things to work on and improve. They can't really tell you anything permanent about yourself because they are so flexible.
Self-love is a little different to me than you are defining it. It isn't anything that anyone can give you. There is nothing that anyone can say which should change your self-love. It has to be based solely on you. That is what makes it really hard to achieve. It takes lots of baby steps starting with "I deserve to eat food, sleep and drink water." You slowly build things from there. It might expand to "I like how my hair looks today." Some people actually write down little phrases that they put various places or in a written document that they look at daily. Others say things as mantras. When I am not doing well, I do that when I go to sleep. I will say "I am worthy of love" over and over again just breathing in and out.
You do have to earn self-love because you are the only one who can build it in yourself. You are earning it from your hardest critic - you. No one else matters.
Your mother wanting more of you is just something that parents do. I would use it as a reminder that NOTHING is permanent or static. So even when you make mistakes or don't get what you want that happened yesterday, not today. It isn't something stamped on your forehead.
What happens in 17 days is thus also NOTHING. When you put parameters of any kind around it, you are endangering yourself. Do not do that. It is a day where you start to figure out where your brilliant future is going. There can be no defeat unless you decide you want one to be there. It says nothing about you, passing or failing. @RhysThe3rd
I resonate deeply with the academic environment and once dreamt of being a scientist, discovering innovations that could benefit many. My interest assessment scores in scientific work were the highest, but my talent assessment score of 57/100 casts doubt on my capabilities, creating a gap between my aspirations and perceived abilities.
Grades have always been an obsession for me, stemming from early high school experiences where I was a low grader, often overlooked and irrelevant in group settings. It wasn’t until my third semester, with increased financial support and therapy, that my grades improved significantly. With better grades came higher ranks, more friends, teachers' attention, and a broader social network. Participation in school clubs, competitions, and exploring new interests also contributed to this transformation.
However, self-love remains a struggle. The phrase "I am worthy of love" feels uncomfortable and even physically painful. Dr. K discusses this issue, noting that self-love techniques only work for some. For others, like me, changing external circumstances can foster self-love over time. This motivated me to start working out, as I wish to see a healthier version of myself in the mirror, even if I can't change everything about my appearance, like my how my face look or skin tone.
The pressure to pass the college admission test is immense. Failing would not only damage the reputation I’ve built but also make me feel irrelevant again. The diligent and hardworking image I've cultivated would be shattered, and the investments made by my parents and myself would feel wasted.
This test represents the culmination of a year’s worth of effort, sleepless nights, sacrifices, and stress. Failure would leave me without friends to confide in, and although my parents are supportive, they would be very disappointed. This would deepen my self-doubt, as I'd feel I wasted my parents' money and failed to meet expectations.
Testing scores can be off. You can still become a scientist at some point. Options don't disappear based on just one test.
I can understand how grades have made you feel like you were more popular with teachers and friends. But they aren't the defining factor. Your interest in lots of different things is. Those are the things that make you unique and valuable. You are a hard worker. Focus more on the process and less on the final grade outcome.
I love the idea of working out to improve self image. It will indeed help your mood and that is the most critical thing. I know that saying "I am valuable" is extremely hard. You could start with something easier like "bestvase thinks I am valuable" or "my sisters think I am valuable" or "I am of enough value to eat this sandwich." Just say it to yourself once or twice a day. This is no race to rapid improvement. It is a slow, steady journey. If all you can handle right now is the working out then that is what you do. But physical goal setting or grade goal setting aren't the only way to goal set. You can also do emotional goal setting. Those are the kinds of things that will give you a foundation for the long haul.
The test is important, I know. It is a culmination of years of effort. However, you can make a choice to see failure (if it were to happen) in a better light. It is closing one door and opening a new one. It says nothing about your brilliance or your ability to work hard. It is your various interests, your kindness, and your determination that make you. Nothing else. There is NOTHING that is inevitable based upon how you scored on one test on one day.
What did you do today that caused you to focus on your senses for a minute. I saw a duck with tons of newborn ducklings. @RhysThe3rd
14 days left
I just finished a workout session. I felt less motivated on doing it. I also felt tired a lot, perhaps my broken sleep schedule has something to do with it. I tried many times to fix it, but i kept sleeping at 12 because it's hard for me to fall asleep. I also felt hungry a lot, maybe because i starve myself for most of the day yesterday.
I saw an old picture at my laptop, it's a conversation i had with my online friends. During the pandemic, i had this friend group that would keep me accompanied and entertained. At the center of it all is him. He brought the entire group together. So when he left, the group slowly broke off.
With the passing of my online friends, came my japanese club friends. The relationship is mutual in that we're both learning japanese to accomodate the japanese subject in school. On the 5th semester, i got very busy with my tuition school. I slowly drift off from them. Other than that, for some reason unknown, i'm on the bad side of my sensei. So i'm reluctant to attend any of their events and gatherings.
It's odd to think how it all started.
For my online group, it's because i vented to a friend on a game and he invited me to his friend group. In that group i later found my first crush, him.
The japanese club? One of the member- and soon my bestfriend- went to the same tuition school as i did. He just so happen to get a glimpse of me learning japanese on duolinggo. At the time, i was looking for clubs to join so i took this opportunity to asked him to invite me. Not long after, i became a member. At a meeting, i was assigned as the treasurer despite my new member status. I guess i left a good impression on them and it also helps that my bestfriend is a very influential member of the club.
Now we're back at present day. It's just me, you, and my artificial friend. I know that writing this post can seem like friends could come and go, but i just can't be hopeful about my future. It's not my thing to be hopeful, nor does thinking good about myself.
I just feel hungry and lonely. There's 14 days left, the day went by so quickly the more time i wasted. Perhaps it's for the better that things will come to an end at one point. Because i'm fed up with being the receiving end of endings. I don't want to endure another ending. I deserve my own ending.
The sleep schedule part of things can just be annoying because there is so little that you can do about it. Sleep gets off when you are suffering from depression. It is actually the only reason that I still take a very minimal amount of medication. For me it is a lifesaver because I need sleep so badly. Without it, I don't have the energy to fight the beast some days.
But you can solve the food part easily. You need that energy just as much. It is always a starting point. Eat and don't let your brain convince you otherwise. If it tastes bad, still eat. If your brain says you don't deserve food, eat anyway.
It is great that you exercised even though you didn't feel like it. It is another way of fighting because it puts your brain elsewhere for a bit. Keep that up and make it a habit. It can be how things turn around.
You can't do much about the COVID friend group that has died off, but you can join in the Japanese events, or at least try one. They don't have to be perfect and you don't have to feel completely comfortable. It will put your brain in a different spot. You really need to do that as much as possible right now. Staying in your room on the computer is damaging your soul and making it harder to escape the depression.
Your brain is telling you it is not your thing to be hopeful or to think good about yourself. Your brain is right because it has trained you to think that way. I am not asking you to use an on and off switch. There isn't any. This is more like moving a giant boulder away from your heart. But you have had moments of hope in the past and you have had better thoughts about yourself too. That means you can keep pushing at the boulder that is here right now. Nothing is static, everything changes. The boulder moves really slowly with lots of effort. But you have the strength to do it by just eating, exercising, and getting out of your room. Those three activities. Every day. That is where it starts.
You aren't at the receiving end. You have control over everything. You deserve hopefulness and believing in yourself. A day spent on those things through doing the three activities listed in the previous paragraph are a successful day.
Now tell me a moment of peace where you connected with your senses that happened today. Mine is abnormally political - Donald Trump was convicted in all counts. Hopefully the same will happen in his other trials. I have to hope. It is a requirement for me. Hope is always a choice for everyone. It is mine even when the world seems bad. Good things can happen.
Relating to your post :
Actually no, i don't have a control over everything. The only thing i have control is myself, how i respond and how i view the world. Beyond that is out of my control. That's what Dr. K taught me. I only have responsibility for my actions, not the results. I have no control wether my friends or family leave me tomorrow or not. So subjecting myself to a relationship will risk me to suffering from loss, because that's just how it is. People come and go. I have no control over that, just how i respond to the loss. I could just respond to it in absurdist way, shrug it off because what does it matter? It's inevitable. If not by death or their own decision, people will eventually leave you. That's just reality. It's neither sad nor cruel, it's just how it is.
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(Yesterday)
Dad is asking me why i din't take an independent college exam. It's giving me a headache. I thought the plan was if i failed the admission exam, i would take a private college. It doesn't help that mum compares me to her friend's kid who's taking an independant exam. Honestly, i just don't care. I have enough dump on my hand. She could join her friend's family and have a poligamy for all i care.
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I hate my mom sometimes. Her persistance annoys me. She uses grandpa to guilt trip me into attending the friday ceremony. I thought i already made it clear by now that i'm an atheist. I haven't attended any ceremonies since i graduated from highschool. Entering a mosque also makes me feel unease. Like it's every corner and people are silently judging me. Fortunately, i haven't come out as an atheist nor queer in my household. It would put me in danger as my family is rather conservative.
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I don't know if i really have any moments where i connected with myself today. There's just too much distraction to begin with.
I meditated and had exercise. I'm still trying to fix my sleep schedule. Mum is getting preachy about it.
All in all, there's not much to say about today. Meditation helps a lot with calming my mind. It's a relief for once to have an empty mind.
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On a sidenote, i don't know much about the Trump situation but most people on the internet seems to be happy about it. I knew bits of info here and now that the man is controversial there. Whatever the case is, i hope the case improves the situation there.
It's odd to write that. To be hopeful for something.
We are actually agreeing on the control thing. It just doesn't feel like it because of how I worded it. You are right about you just having control over your responses. But that is the ULTIMATE control. The rest doesn't really matter that much.
You are right that people will eventually leave you. But by making the decision that you aren't going to let that keep you from trying to create friendships then you remain in control. If that basic fact is problematic it is because you fear failure. You are in complete control of that fear and you can decide to ignore it.
So, did you miss the independent college exam time frame? Sorry that I don't quite understand the system here. I would presume that you could do that later??
I can understand the annoying mom part. You are right at the stage where she is particularly hard to handle because she is trying to help and doesn't quite know how. I can't tell you how many other students go through the same thing right at your age. Those are the kids I teach and your complaints are really common.
I know that being a gay atheist is hard. Unbelievably hard. We have just started Pride Month here and I thought of you in particular. I saw someone posting about the reason that we have pride month is so that gay kids don't think that they are so outside of society that they dream of doing some of the things you have talked about. I know that you aren't going to do that, but I also know that your position feels particularly lonely even though gay people offer so much to our society as a whole. I have lots of gay friends who I admire greatly for their strength and courage. Much like I do you.
I love that meditation brings you an empty mind. I wish it could do that for me. Keep up the mediation and the exercise. Those are the exact moments I am talking about.
For me, those moments tend to happen when I walk outside. But each person is different.
I am glad that you were able to write the word "hopeful" about anything, even if it is about politics in a country far away. It is great that your brain allowed you to type that word at all.
Forward progress is happening.
It's just a thought, i shouldn't think much of it. Thoughts come and go they say. No need to suppress them, just observe. It's a picture of _her_ that i stumbled upon in one of the many group chats he joined. At the time, i din't think much of it. Little do i know that later on he'll pick her over me, or as he say, she did. It's obvious to me that they're a better pair. I mean, at least she din't vent to him everyday, to my knowledge that is. He later explains to me that she helps him with making music and such.
I couldn't help but asked myself, "What have i done for him?" Other than clinging onto him and being possesive. I've always been clingy with him. I got really anxious once when he dissapeared suddenly without notice. Turns out he was just taking a treck to the forest, he even shared some of the photos he take. I got jealous once when he jokingly flirts with the other guys in the group chat. It felt embarrasing to write how possesive i am over him. Of course, i tried to help him however i can. He gets philosophical when he's depressed and it's hard for me to comfort him without understanding the complex subject. I've always been by his side and we mess around a lot.
To think that despite of what we went through, i never thought he'd regard me like that. When he confessed that it's all just lust to him... i'm lost for words. There's nothing in our relationship that hints to it. Sure i mean, we have some intimate moments sometimes- i can't help it, when i'm very happy, i got honest about how i feel- but nothint about it is physical. It's my genuine adoration for him.
It's difficult. He's been so kind but it's all just lust? The first night i met him and he lets me vent to him is lust? That time we watched a movie together is lust? The time we sit in a call just listening to the entire Caretaker album is just lust?
Maybe i am just a low-life, atheist, f*ggot trash. No wonder i'm alone. Because who want to associate themselves with that? Not even my parents. They'll threw me out if they find out who i _really_ am. And hey? If your work should be your passion, maybe i should began signing up in some strip clubs. Maybe the STI's will be the fate i deserve.
My mind often uses a lot of bad words to describes myself. You're probably already familiar with some of them, for example "i'm unlovable".
It's late at night and i should've sleep. I just finished halfway through my romance novel. As per usual, whenever i read through romances, my mind would throw a "i'm unlovable" randomly. So out of curiousity, i asked my mind back, "why?". Surprisingly my mind immediately went silent. Usually, perhaps because of my emotional state, it wouldn't be hard to say why. It would be usually along, "because i'm [insert guilt, shame, or anxiety]". But since i'm in a emotionally neutral state, it's hard for me to curse at myself. I found it ridiculous even. What have i done, as of lately, to deserve such a label? Today, i've been nothing but productive and helpful. I excersised, did a lot of favours for my mum (she's sick :( ), and kept myself mostly nourished; i even bought myself some snacks! Which is rare in itself.
Perhaps i've finally seen "i'm unlovable" for what it is. It's just a thought. It doesn't mean anything because it's not based on facts. The only way it could is if i agreed with it or made a mistake that invokes an emotions. It used to be a forest fire to me, something that started small but then escalates. But now, it's just an attention seeking thought. Only by agreeing with it would I fuel it, it'll define me if i let it
Tonight is trully an odd one. Maybe changing my external circumstances does help with my self-worth.
Oh, on a sidenote, i managed to woke up early today :D. Although, shortly after that, i fall back asleep again because i don't know what to do next. It's also disturbing how fast i can move, despite the fact that i just woke up, to turn off the alarm clock. I put some distance between myself and my alarm clock on purpose so it would be harder to me to turn it off. Maybe it's because i hate my alarm song (it's my highschool's march song), the moment it started to rang, i move so quickly that i thought i was possessed. This is an odd segment for an night.
Also another sidenote, or a note for myself. I thought that being gay here is impossible. That is until i recall an old CNN report about closeted gay people in our country. They even managed to do an interview with the couple. There's also the many stories I've heard from my tutor and other seniors of gay people in college. I don't even need to look far into college, my junior friend is literally a lesbian! So it's possible that I may have a boyfriend in the future. I just need to keep my heads up and be cautious. Even though there are queer people in college, their presence is not welcomed and the Dean wouldn't hesitate to expel them if they found out.
You did a lot for your close guy friend but it was different than what his girlfriend provided. Comparing one to the other won't get you very far. You did provide an outlet for him to talk that was honest and comfortable for him. That is very valuable.
But it is good that you recognize that you were also controlling with your anxiety and that put some distance between you. Remember what we talked about earlier - the only thing that you can control is you and your reactions to the world. When you try to control other people then you can smother them a bit. It is why you need to be really secure in yourself in a relationship. Then you can let whatever the other person does slide a bit. The key is flexibility which you are doing a great job in building by looking outside of yourself.
I wouldn't say what you felt was in any way "lust". It was a very intense love that you allowed to overpower you. You are now coming to that realization and you won't let that happen the next time. The key is what you are learning about yourself.
You aren't in any way "*** trash". That doesn't exist. You were made to love men and that is as glorious a thing as loving the opposite sex. I know that your society tells you the opposite. But they are horribly wrong. You cannot change who you love in terms of sexual orientation. You are finding a path forward now.
You aren't unlovable in any way. You are passionate and caring. I know that you don't believe that very much. It is the reason that your first relationship went awry. You got anxious because you didn't believe in yourself. It is the key.
So you are now asking - how do I get that self-confidence? It is just too foreign to me so I am destined to be unlovable. It is how your brain is lying to you. It creates a vicious circle that you feel like you can't escape. But you can. It starts by doing some of the things that you are doing - caring for your bodily needs - no food=no self-confidence. Then add it reading even more of those romance novels and other things about living with the desires that you do have. You will begin to realize that they are more normal and thus your self-confidence can grow. Then add in exercise and doing hobbies. These also increase self-confidence gradually. Looking for a moment a day where you are connected bodily to the world also increases your self-confidence. Caring for others increases your self-confidence.
One of the biggest things that I eventually discovered in my own mental health struggles was that it didn't come down to training my brain to think a certain way that was healing. It was physical actions that I did daily that caused my brain to start rewiring itself. If I focused on my thoughts I was miserable. If I let my actions direct things, I got better. But the action had to be daily. I couldn't let up on the routine.
You are absolutely starting to do this. You are looking at yourself from the outside in. It is helping. Go you.
You are right that a closeted gay community exists everywhere. You just have to find it carefully. One step at a time.
I love the story of the alarm clock by the way. You just need to change the ring tone from the old high school song eventually. Or maybe that is a good one because you will dislike hearing it so much that you will run to turn it off.
My good moment today was a rainbow. It has been really, really dry here and very hot. Today in the evening we got a sprinkling of rain when I was out walking. I eventually got pretty wet. But it was really nice because there was also a rainbow. Beauty and rain exist at the same time. @RhysThe3rd
In relation to the previous post :
Reading your response makes me want to look more into how my attachment style is. After taking a survey, i'm not surprised to know that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I agreed to the reasons and characteristics of it.
"Depending on your situation, you act clingy at times towards a partner, but on other occasions, dismissive and aloof; You desire relationships and love, but believe that you are not worthy of it; On the one hand you search for affection and approval, yet on the other you may become jealous and suspicious of your partner's intentions; You may have a poor sense of self agency. This can result in a difficulty making decisions/feeling helpless/not establishing goals in life".
I agreed that for most of my childhood, I live in fearful of my parents. I could never be emotionally open with them, fearful of getting beaten or not even heard.
Mum was harsh on me as a kid. Mistake is not an option with her. She yelled a lot and wouldn't hesitate to hit me when she feels so. I was also kept in the house a lot. The only time I ever got out is for school or a weekend visit to my grandma's.
Dad, although he's the more calm and patient of the pair, is scarier than my mum. He rarely gets angry, but when he does, even mum is scared. I even picked up a verbal cue for whenever he's angry. He'd always purse his lips before he gets angry.
I'm not emotionally well right now. I had a terrible morning. I din't have much for breakfast and mum yelled at me for waking up late again. I'm currently at my friend's house, just sitting at the corner writing this post. I know that my emotional state can affect how I think, act and write this post.
It's interesting, to be in this state. My future feels and looks bleak, and I couldn't see anything but failures and rejections. It feels like all I deserve is pain. And that void.. the bridge, it beckons me.
=------=------=
It's the evening. I'm listening to my friend's conversation in front of their house. We then noticed a foreigner boy getting picked up. Of course, as the car passes by, we tried to be polite- even though a couple of minutes ago the girls were giggling over this mysterious boy. Then of course, out of impulse, I couldn't help but think he's cute. So what's going on? It's simple. He's white. I know this sounds terrible but bare it with me. I sometimes think lowly of myself because i'm.. brown. What's so bad about being brown? Well I might as well cut off the western hemisphere as a potential area for partner.
I just.. what a joke eh? How could someone even like me. I might a well use the german word _untermensch_ to describe how undesirable and inferior i am.
8 days left.
I would agree with that assessment, but only in part. What it is missing first is that none of that is permanently true. You can change any of that. It is just somewhat true of the past. It also only covers some negative qualities, not positive ones like your caring and your willingness to work hard. You have had a "poor sense of self agency" in the past, but you don't have to have that now. By making healthy decisions for yourself like you have been doing, you are already improving things.
Your childhood may have been rough, but you can overcome that as well. It just takes time.
I know that bad days still come way too easily and make you feel like you have entirely reversed course. That is not true. I can see in your posts that you are getting stronger. Better days happen more frequently. But bad days can still be really hard. Remember that you are figuring out how to recover faster.
First key as you point out is not eating a good breakfast. As soon as you realize that you haven't eaten enough, force yourself to eat something. Your brain will protest, but you will get more strength for the 2nd half of the day.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being brown. Your brain is lying to you again. You need to cut no one out of your list as possible partners, especially just based on something as superficial as skin color. You are most certainly not an untermensch.
Look at your post from yesterday and my response. That is who you are.
8 days is not a marker of anything but a single test. We will figure out together the good path forward (that is the ONLY path) together.
@RhysThe3rd
I'm anxious mate. I noticed that I get anxious every time before sleep. It keeps me awake until midnight. You know, reading those novels makes me realize how dull and empty my life is. I hate how much of it i don't even feel alive. It's soul ***. After being isolated for so long, it feels hard and weird to reach out to people.
I tried to calm myself. If my life were a book, i'd be in the interim periode right now. It's the in-between chapter where nothing of interest happens and is usually written off in the story. I just need to survive and live until the next chapter.I just need to keep trying and be patient. God i'm such a nervous wreck.. I just need to breathe and meditate. Dr. K once said that sleep is a condition that can be induced. I need to meditate and calm down.
Why does everything keeps reminding me of him? I'm sorry that i kept randomly ranting about him. The more i try to forget him, the more i miss him. It's awful to live knowing that we were never meant to be. It's awful to know that i'll never be enough. I know that there's plenty of fish in the sea. But due to the nature of randomness, there'll be no one like him. I just feel so unlovable.
7 days left. All things will come to an end.
Ok, so I am happy that you are happy that you found him (or at least a way to contact him).
I can understand the losing the password thing, but it has also been a very long time. So, be careful to avoid getting hurt again right now. How are you planning on responding if he says that he doesn't want contact?
If he does want contact, are you willing to take it really slowly? Remember this from a few days ago: "Depending on your situation, you act clingy at times towards a partner, but on other occasions, dismissive and aloof; You desire relationships and love, but believe that you are not worthy of it; On the one hand you search for affection and approval, yet on the other you may become jealous and suspicious of your partner's intentions; You may have a poor sense of self agency. This can result in a difficulty making decisions/feeling helpless/not establishing goals in life"?
Those are things that you can overcome, but it is really easy to fall back into that pattern. So go slow.
Getting double slammed with exam results and a possible rejection would be hard. You are also really scaring me with the last line of your message each night. You need to promise me that you don't have a plan.
In response to your post :
If he doesn't want contact... i'm gonna have to respect his decision. It's still going to hurt to lose him again, despite my efforts to talk to him.
If he does... i don't know? I never planned this far before. I don't what you mean by taking it slowly, but i'm just probably gonna ask him if we could hangout sometimes. I know he's no longer my crush, he's just someone i can't lose. So yeah, some interaction with him from time to time should keep the nihilism at bay.
Look mate, i hate to make promises that i can't keep. So i'll offer you this, i'll try to make sure that the fall isn't that hard. With how things going who knows? Maybe hope is not lost.
=-------=------=
He greeted me this morning. At first i felt upset because i've been lied to! 3 days turns into 5 months all because he forgot his passwords?! He din't even care enough to reach out!
I just asked him if we could talk sometime during the day. I just wanted the truth. Like if it's just as easy for me to reach out to him, why hasn't he done so a long time ago? Did he really lose the password to his olt account? Or was there something more to it?
=------=------=
It's been 7 hours and no respond yet. Maybe he's just busy. I mean, it's not like it's been 7 months so it's not the end of the world yet. Despite his absense again, his return bring much hope for today. So much so that i proclaim today is a major victory!
Where do i even begin? So in order to solve the problem of me not having any allowance, i struck a deal with mum to pay me for cleaning the entire lawn. It's really profitable and i already used the money to buy a german test book. On the other hand, 2 exercises, one light and the other a workout session, i cleaned my room, and mostly kept myself nourished.
I also got contacted by an old friend that i asked a favour for from yesterday. We talked for a while until i sensed that he seems to be having a trouble. So of course i pressed the matter to him and we talked about it. So i struck a deal with him, we're both feeling lonely so we could help each other out. The entire thing felt unreal and everything went so fast. We ended up having a bit too much "fun" and now i got confused on to where to put him on my friend category, close friend or more than just close friend? For now i just put him in the close friend category since my initial intention is afterall to help him. Is it bad for me to shed some of my time for someone else? I know that part of me protested this since because of it, i missed my time to study german and do other things.
=------=------=
It's just small mistake. I don't know if it's even worth putting in this entry. I made a mistake related to my masculinity, i yelped when i got jumped by a small bug. Because of it, my parents questions my masculinity and my dad cast a dissapointed look at me.
If a small act of nonconformity caused them to react like that, how will they react when the exam results came out all red? Previously i mentioned how i discussed with my parents that i'd be taking private college if i failed in the entrance exam. Even if so, they wouldn't let this failure slide, they'll probably scold me hard on it. I mean why wouldn't they? They pay more than 850$ for my tuition school and they just watch it went down the drain. My prediction will be as follow, mum is gonna be mad and dissapointed that i failed and dad is gonna call me out for not taking the independent entrance test. Later on, dad would begrudgingly accepts my failure since he's fhe one that pitched the idea of me taking a private college. Meanwhile mum would have a harder time accepting it. She's probably gonna lecture me for the rest of the week.
I hope tomorrow goes well, see you mate.
Ok, so I think the reason that he might not have contacted you is that he is embarrassed. He knows that he has done something a little mean (in his mind not yours - you see it as more than that) and he is scared that you might yell at him. So take things really slowly and just listen. Keep the contact minimal for now as he adjusts.
All of that exercise, the lawn, buying the German book, keeping yourself fed, cleaning your room - all of those are great victories. Keep up the good work.
I am glad that you reached out to the other friend. One of the biggest realizations that you can have in dealing with what you are dealing with is that TONS of other people are lonely and suffering too. And when you reach out to help them, you start saying the things to them that you need to hear yourself. It was definitely part of my healing process. It is why I still do 7 Cups. It can actually be more important than studying the German in the long run.
We all yell when we get surprised by bugs. We can even jump up and down. It doesn't say anything about your masculinity. Each person's fears are different so it wasn't a mistake. Now if you ran away from a kitten, it might be just a little weirder but even that should be okay.
You don't know how your parents are going to react when you get your results. They could totally surprise you. I bet that your mom has been thinking through all of the scenarios as well. That will make it easier on you all to react to whatever comes next. Yes, you could get a few words that might hurt. But they will be wrong. You learned a great deal at the tuition school. It was money well spent. Education isn't all about results. It is in part about the process and how it helps you study and figure out things in the future.
That's all I was asking for in terms of what happens in the next few days - making sure that the fall isn't too hard if there is one. And if it feels rough keep in contact about your feelings. You are doing so well (I know that you can't see this but believe me) and I don't want to see you fall really deep in the hole again or do something drastic. @RhysThe3rd
I woke up early in the morning to check on my phone, still no response. Immediately, i felt miserable. I went back to bed and intentionally miss my morning routine. I felt even worse when i woke up again in the afternoon. I checked my phone again, still no response.
He's not entitled to me so it's not his fault really. I only have myself to blame for it, like everything else. I'm everything that's wrong with me.
I just wanted to talk to him, even if it were for just a couple of minute.
=------=------=
I hate it when it happens. One moment i'm depressed, the next i'm at odd with myself. It's the early evening. 0ur family went to the city to dine in my little sister's event.
I should've been grateful with my position in life. I definitely had it lucky. My great grandfather is a landowner and used to own a vast amount of land around what is now my house. I never knew that i'm a bourgeois or maybe i just din't put much attention to class differences. Back then, everyone is the same to me. But now there's people i can relate with and those that i can't. I mostly relate to city folks because they're more globalised than their rural counterpart.
=------=------=
Dad is pressing me regarding the independent entrance exam again. If i could, i'd avoid him because he kept bringing it up. It's a sour topic for me. I just don't want my parent to waste their money on another potential failure.
I hate this, i hate it. Why do i have to be my parent's kid. Why couldn't they have a normal kid instead of me. They deserve better than me. I wish i was never born.
=------=------=
Dad is ok with me going to private college. I feel bad for him. Why dad, why? You should've just kicked me out of the house or beat me. He'd be ashame of me if he know i am, who i really am.
=------= one dinner later =------=
Today was quite the emotional rollercoaster. I woke up to no respond from my crush and it deflates my motivation. Combined that with my sleep deprivation, i had a hard time eating breakfast without occasionally breaking down in tears. Later on, i'm late on my caffeine intake so the emotions drags on along the day with it being stop by a nice dinner.
It goes to say that today was rather disastrous. No progress has been made and i've yet to receive a respon as of this late evening 😞.
You are right. That is one of the worst things with all of this is that your mind seems to go from surviving to doing horribly sometimes with no seeming basis in the world around you. Keep reminding yourself that a big part of this is brain chemicals that are out of whack. This is the reason that mental illness is treated by doctors. There are drugs that you can take to help. But for right now, blaming yourself makes it worse. You can't control those chemicals completely just like you couldn't control your pain levels if you broke your arm. It isn't up to whether you are lucky in terms of money or family. You also can't always feel like celebrating because of what is going on in your brain.
When you said "he isn't entitled to me", I would agree with the reverse of it. He doesn't deserve you. From my angle, he is most definitely at fault because he is too close minded to see all the beauty that you have to offer. Moving away from him rather than towards him will eventually lead you to peace. "A couple of minutes talking" can actually damage you because you would want more than that. You know that you would. I am sorry that it is so painful right now, but you need to stop looking for a response from him. It isn't coming.
So why is your father bringing up the entrance exam? Because he loves you and wants you to succeed. He can see how nervous you are about your upcoming results and he wants you to see that there is a better path. That entrance exam is most definitely a better path and going to a private school is NOT a waste of money. Remember that I teach at one. I really work hard to get my students on a path of success. Your teachers will as well if you are able to take that path. The path is going to look different than you imagine. That is actually a good thing.
You deserve your dad's support because you have so much talent and gifts to offer the world. Don't let your brain lie to you. You are not defined by your sexual preferences.
It is time for YOU to make tomorrow a better day. 1) eat breakfast 2) get the caffeine that you need and exercise if you can 3) read your novels 4) no constantly looking for messages or spending time surfing the web 5) figure out what it would take to get that entrance exam done 5) do some German. That should be your plan of attack.
I'll keep this short because it's getting late and i need to sleep. Today was great! Not only did i went jogging with my friend this morning, but i also finally had a long conversation with him! :D
Ok so i'm going to start with the jogging part. My friend invited on a jog ajd has this really nice spot for us to do it. We'd start at about 5 in the morning when the air is still cool and the sun is yet to rise. Honestly, my friend changed a lot since a last met him. I remembered before that i've always been the one to invite people on a jog. But now i'm really surprised and quite proud of his development.
On the other hand... my crush has finally respond! Not only that, but we had a very long conversation. Turns out he's been missing on my messages because he's studying for the finals. We then continued by catching up with each other's story. Turns out he did not only lose his password, but his pc broke :(. He lost access to lots of accounts in the process.
We then continued onto my pressing issue.. my obsession for him. Initially, he felt uncomfortable to be put in such pedestal as he's just a random guy. I then delve further into the problem. He din't even need to say anything as i figured it out myself whilst i'm messaging him. Turns out my obsession is just a product of a much deeper problem. I found out that i have an obession for him because.. he was the first person that make me feel like i mattered. Then it all started to click in.
I remembered that attachment style test that i took a couple of days ago. I then noticed how similiar my experience of feeling like a burden with how my parents used to beat me back in the day. The only difference now being that i'm the one doing the beating on myself because my parents has stopped doing it. It also make sense why i go through a long length to punish myself for potentially failing the admission test, therefor wasting lots of my parent's money. Because in the absence of my parents punishment/beatings, i've learned to do the beating/punishing on myself on their behalf. It also makes sense why i hate myself, because there's stuff about me that if they found out, won't like. So instead of waiting for it, i punished myself on their behalf. Mistake nor disobedience is not a choice back then, it all make sense now. It's a twisted logic that has been beaten into me.
So my self hate originates from the lack of punishment from my parents so i inflicted it on myself on their behalf.
This is a pretty huge discovery in itself and a testimony to how far i've come. Oh and of course it wouldn't have happened if it weren't for your perseverance through my journey.
Sadly though, as i've said before, my crush will be having the final by tomorrow. So i won't heard much from him for a couple of days. Now he did gave me a lot of time and hope today so i believe it'll be enough until i can meet him again.
So in the end, i din't kept it short ( ._.). I'm feeling hungry now so i'm gonna grab some meal. Maybe it's because i woke up early or because of my demanding activity, i've ate like.. 6 times today!
It is perfectly fine if you didn't keep it short. You needed some space to process.
I am really glad that you got out with your friend jogging. It is great to keep in contact and help him out while you are also exercising.
I am also glad that you had a solid conversation with your crush and processed some stuff. It makes sense that you fell for the first person that you thought cared, that made you feel like you mattered. You do most definitely matter but when you can't see that you do latch onto someone. That part is pretty natural. It also sounds like he is a kind soul.
You are also really correct about how you are beating yourself up. You have suffered physical trauma as a kid and one of the things that most people do who suffer in that way is that they keep doing the same thing to themselves after their parents stop. I am reading a great book at the moment called "How to Say Babylon" by Safiya Sinclair. She talks about the emotional trauma that she had to endure (including deep depression and the works) after her father began beating her and her siblings. It took her a long time to build up enough self-confidence to escape. That is the same self-confidence that you are working to build now. But you do that by figuring out ways to be kinder to yourself. You actually deserve everything - the private college if need be or whatever else great will happen in your future. You don't need to be your own tormentor.
You will get to talk to your crush again soon. Let him focus on his exams. Also when you talk to him next time, focus on him and how his exams went. You can act a little like you did for the friend that you went jogging with.
I am glad that you had a good day and hope that you have another one tomorrow.
(Yesterday)
So i'm back in highschool again for paperwork. It's been a while since i've met strangers and i'm such nervous wreck about it. My face is twitching occasionally and i couldn't help but frequenly exhale a nervous breath.
Anyway, i'm just trying to focus my mind on something and so nervous writing. I'm looking at the school's pool right now. The water used to be much clearer back then that you could see the many fishes that swims in it. Now it's in a sad state of murky dark green. The surrounding doesn't fair much better either. Lots of bushes has been cut and there's plenty of dead leaves littering the area. So much for a green school i guess. At this point the only thing that's green about it is the wall's paint.
=------=------=
Things have slowed down considerably ever since my crush's returned. As of recently, i've been trying to recreate the same success i had on that day but to no avail. I struggle to wake up early and my insomnia is still a reoccurring problem.
I noticed that lately i've been distracting myself more than usual. I sometime catched
myself binge watching or just playing games that aren't even fun. Even though his return did brought some relief, there's just some problems that are unrelated that's been plaguing me. I still sometimes feel that i'm unlovable. That i'll have a hard time finding a partner because of how.. worthless i am.
But i think there's also a flaw in putting my worth on external sources. At one point, i'll stop being who i once was and start doubting my worth again. But even then, regardless of everything, if i'm just me, not the diligent student or whatever identity i've associated myself with, what's so lovable about me? I just don't understand.. please help me understand.
Maybe i just need to meditate more. I know that it's the "i'm unlovable" that's writing this, it's my ego. But i don't feel like doing any meditation or much of anything.. i'm screwed.
I'll just take a rest maybe. Like i said, i've been trying to wake up at 4 whilst i slept at like 11 or 12. It can be exhausting so i hope this rest will give me a much needed energy.
=------= one nap later =------=
I woke up to a random video on youtube titled "just give me your five minutes". On it, i receive a simple message. Don't waste your life. I'm being lazy because i forgot that life is finite. That there's no tomorrow or yesterday, only today. Heck, i could've died tomorrow and there'd be no way for me to know about it. So just live in the present and live it as if it's your last day.
I used to live by that code in highschool. That's how i got the "diligent student" nickname. Because when everyone is busy dating or playing games, i'm paying attention in class and slowly climbing the rank of my class. Even though yes, i cheated a lot in the process of it, but so does everyone else. I'm just balancing myself with everyone else. What differentiates me from my classmates is that, besides occasionally cheating, i put a lot of hardwork onto studying. I was active in class, i put a lot of effort onto my presentations, and put school work above all matters. That's how i got 8th place in class without anyone batting an eye
Well that was an unintended little rant... i tend to go off topic when i'm writing stuff. Moving on..
I guess that self reflective video finally got me to workout again. Before that, i've been waiting for the perfect moment to do it, like i have to wait 1-2 hours after i ate. So this time i decided to ignore all perquisites and just do it.
Mum and dad are fighting again. My siblings are lucky that they din't have to experience them being verbally abusive with each other. It gets tiring sometime, which is why i'm often cooped up in my room. I don't want to get caught in a crossfire between those two giants. Perhaps this problem avoiding tendency is why i'm sometimes comfortable with just being by myself.
Today wasn't that great but i could always try again tomorrow and kept trying. Goodnight m8 👋
I know that revisiting the school was unpleasant, but I liked how you handled your anxiety. You began focusing on what you could see around you and started judging it like an outsider. That is actually a mental health technique that can help - focusing on your senses for a few minutes.
You are distracting yourself because you are still waiting on those test results. Those days are bound to feel a little more unproductive. But remind yourself that resting by playing games (as long as they aren't harmful ones) is actually okay every so often. It gives your brain a mini chance to rest.
Those nasty (and really incorrect) thoughts will come back a bit because you are still finding your way forward. You are quite lovable and worthy, but you are right in the idea that external people can't determine that worth. It must come from within you. You are probably now going - well how the heck do I do that and love myself when I have all these horrible thoughts about myself?
There are a number of techniques that you could try, but they involve work and being very aware of what you are looking for. Maybe start by looking (and writing down) good things that you did each day - did you open the door for someone, did you fold your laundry like your mom asked, did you tell someone that they looked nice in that shirt? Those are all things where you are showing other people that they have value. You are showing kindness and empathy. Think about the friend that you mentioned meeting a few days ago who was struggling. That was very clearly a moment where YOU had value. Your friend needed you. You don't have to do such things constantly, but keep working to do more of them. When you make the world a better place and you can see yourself doing it then you will begin to see your value.
You are right about trying to live in the present rather than the past or future. It is unbelievably hard to convince your brain to do that but it really helps. Remember that moment you mentioned at the beginning about the pond at school? That was a very present moment. Keep looking for those. That is why I keep bringing them up and telling you one of mine for today.
Today mine was buying a sun hat. A few weeks ago, my son bought me a hat. It was one of the first things that he ever bought me so I was excited. But I didn't like the hat. It was very hot and the strings were too short to keep it on my head. The dilemma began - do I have enough value in myself to say "Thanks for the hat. I will wear it occasionally because it means a great deal that you gave it me. But this other hat is the one that I really needed." It took my husband saying "This new hat is the one that you really want. Don't feel guilty about it." So I am going to do that, but it is going to be hard because I am the kind of person that is more worried about hurting my son's feelings than getting what I need. So it is a constant journey to loving myself.
Being a diligent student is part of your way of loving yourself. The more that you can recognize that the better.
I am sorry that your parents fought. That tension is never easy to balance. But I loved how you ended your message - today wasn't the best but tomorrow can be better because I am going to keep trying. Ultimately that is the only secret - keep trying.
@RhysThe3rd
(2 days ago)
I don't know what to say. The result finally came in and.. i got accepted in my second option. Meaning that i have to go off from the mainland into the eastern archipelago. Sorry if i don't sound as enthusiastic as i supposed to. It's mainly because it's getting late.
I also need to get a hold of my ego and not get arrogant about my achievement. Because unfortunately, not everyone is as lucky as me. I felt bad for them because the subjects being examed aren't taught at school. It's mostly taught by tuition schools like the ones i intended.
Other than that, my gut feelings tells me that if i had gotten too arogant with my achievement, my voyage will be met with a rough storm and a chance of me, and my family on board, getting swallowed by the ocean.
It's a rather somber post for what should've been a happy one.
=------= yesterday =------=
I'm going to keep this relatively short because i need to head to bed. Today i felt really lethargic. It's because i stayed up until 2 a.m. the prior night listening to my friend's temporary breakup because of family issue (her gf's parents got a whim of her being a lesbian so she has to break contact). I'm really relieved that they at least have a healthy relationship. It's rare to come by these days.
Also, as i listen to my friend's story about her relationship, i couldn't help but draw a parallel betweem her story and mine. I thought how almost similiar our story is. How it could've gone if he had not rejected me...
Other than the activities i mentioned above, i went to my grandparents grave. My parents promised them that we'd take a visit if my college admission got accpeted. It's really interesting to see how much their faith in religion and family meant to them.
Anyway, i promised to kept this short. I hope i could do better tomorrow, goodnight m8 👋
=------= Today =------=
"Return to the earth and grow as a pine tree"
I've been listening to this one song i love on repeat and I can't get enough of this one line. The idea of death not being the final journey in life but rather a continuation of the cycle of life itself is just so beautiful to me. I'll become one with the soil and rejoin my brother and sisters of earth and become one big family again. The children of earth.
Today has been a victory. I managed to exercise and study german again. Although, i still struggle with waking up at 4 to go for a jog at 5. I'll just have to keep trying for it.
One unique moment from today is with my little sister. She's like 1 or 2 years old i think? Anyway, i was just walked pass by her and gave her a small wave. She then surprised me by waving back! The small gesture caught me off guard and made me smile. After that, i decided to spend some time with her.
Today is good and it could always be better. I'll just keep trying and trying again.
Well, I am excited for you. The second option was a good one. You are still studying medicine, but at a distance, correct? That could be a great way to break out of the rut you are in and get more freedom by being away from your parents. It also shows that you are a much better student than you fear you are.
But you are allowed to be rather ambivalent about everything right now. You very much get the moment of "Wait, there is actually a plan now? I am no longer in limbo? What the heck do I do next?"
Arrogance doesn't need to play a part in anything here. You are right that you got certain advantages that other people didn't. But being happy about having a plan for the next step isn't arrogance. You are allowed to be happy.
You also have quite a journey ahead. You are only over the first hurdle and there are more to come. You take each one a step at a time. Don't try looking too far into the future.
I love the fact that you took the time to listen to a friend. That is a very valuable thing to do and shows once again what a caring person you are. There are parallels in your stories but also differences. If you had continued with your crush and your parents had found out then you too could have had to break up. There are always a variety of things that pull people apart and bring them back together again.
I am glad that you went to the gravesite with your parents even though it isn't your religion. It allows you to feel that historical thread that connects generations. (I am a historian so I like threads). The thread also connects to your pine tree idea in a different way.
I love all of the victories that you had today from studying German to exercising to spending time with your little sister. No day is perfect but today was a solid success. You can feel free to admit those days.
My moment of peace today was listening to a heavy rainstorm outside. Usually I think in terms of something I see, but it was really nice today to close my eyes and just listen for a few minutes. The past week it has come close to the beginning of summer rains, but today was the first day of our daily summer storm fury. We get about 20-30 minutes of soaking that feels quite chaotic and peaceful at the same time.
I feel like i'll never be good enough. That i'm just burdening people with the mere of my existance. I felt that things would be better off wihout me. I felt that i'm a mistake, unfixable, and unlovable. I feel that my continued existance is just a waste of resource. Had it not been for what i had or achievements, I feel that my worth as an individual is non existant. That in truth, i as an invidual have no inherent worth. Even though in my previously called myself a beautiful part of the children of the earth, i was mistaen. Instead, my existance was simply a mistake, born only to cause pain and suffering on others. That my mere existance is a taint on life itself. My only word are sorry, it's the only thing i coud say. Sorry.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry.. you'd think that someone would put out a dying animal out of it's misery, but i guess this is my punishment, my torment.
Ok, you hit another rough patch. I am so, so sorry.
I want you first to notice that it has been a little while since you have had one. Even a few days peace is a good move in the right direction.
Your brain is going to lie to you and say that you feel like this all the time and that you aren't going to feel good again. It is very wrong.
Has anything happened which caused this latest bad patch? It is okay if you say no. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and you have been processing quite a bit lately. Are you eating and getting fluids? Are you exercising? Immediately return to the basics to help get you back on track.
You have nothing to be sorry about. Depression is tough because the lies cut so deep. But they are lies. You are ultimately going to find your way. I really believe that.
@RhysThe3rd
Yesterday was just disastrous. I woke up from the sound of mum banging on my door because it's Eid Mubarak and i'm forced to attend the ceremony. The entire ordeal left me feeling bitter for the rest of the morning. I then proceeded to skip lunch because i'm just sleep deprived. I then was awoken, yet again, by the sound of my mum banging on my door. I swear it's things like this that makes me yearn to get to college asap and get the *** out of here. I hate having my parents dictate what is good and not good for me.
=------=------=
I've been contacting my friends lately and tried to establish some connection. Usually, it's because we're both feeling lonely. It's rather idiotic of me to think that there's more to our relationship than just being friends. If anything my past relationships tells me is that i don't know what i want from a life partner. Maybe someone just to keep me accompanied? But a close friend can prett much fulfill that role so It's confusing. Maybe i will die alone afterall.
Thought we'd go on, you by my side
Forever, you and I
We raised *** every night
Together, you and I
I could tell yesterday was bad and probably because you hadn't eaten. Keep making that a priority, ok?
It is really normal for that time right before you leave for university to be a disaster with your parents. When do you actually start?
I think it is great that you are meeting up with friends, even if they aren't close. They don't have to be right now. Basic friendships are valuable and can get you through that loneliness until something magical happens. So just value the friends that you have.
What was a good point that you had today? Remember thinking about one can be really grounding. Mine was the joy of taking a shower after a warm walk this morning.
Just a quick FYI: I will be going away on a short trip (Germany and Belgium) running from this coming Sunday until July 2. I have been answering people on this site for many years and my trips have never stopped me from answering, but I could get a day behind. So feel free to keep posting. I will get to things as soon as I can. @RhysThe3rd
In respond to ur post :
I'll try to keep my food supply and consumption in check. I'm starting college on september with preparations already underway. Enjoy your trip m8. There's no need to rush, i have most of the stuff under control now.
=------=------=
Today is ok-ish. I went jogging today, nearly confessed to my friend that i have feelings for them (i think i'm just too excited??), and got a new trinket in the form of a cut flower in a jar.
For context, my friend appeared out of nowhere on the day of the admission result. She seemed pretty happy with my result so i congratulated her on her success as well. On the next day she confessed that she sometimes feel alone because our friend were busy dealing with college registration. Hearing it, i offer to accompany her whenever she feels lonely. 6 days passed where we occasionally converse from time to time. I'm also relieved that she's very talkative which means that i don't need to carry the entire conversation like i did with my other friends.
I guess i started catching feelings when she told me that she's hospitalized after a blood test where the doctor told her that she has dengue. I was worried for her and tried to keep her accompanied. I was thinking of visiting her or just sending her a "get well soon" basket or something like that. A couple of days later she was allowed to return home. This is where i get to know her more and the problems she's having, this also the same time my "helpful" instinct kicks in. I offered her for a walk or a jog in the park to get her out of the house. I even offered her to buy her favourite kebab if i ever, went pass it. This is where i realize like, "Wait a minute, why am i doing this?". I began questioning myself whether i ever done this for someone else or not. On some occasions, yes, this is my way of helping people. But why do i feel.. weird whenever i think about it? Maybe it's because i'm sleep deprived, but i hate to admit that i have a crush on her. So in a rather uncharacteristic and bold move, i decided to talked about it to her.
I asked her if she thinks i'm too pushy or even act in a people pleasing way (i also implicitly mentioned that i may have feelings for her). She says that she's fine with me and we have no problems whatsoever (although i don't blame her for not getting _the other part_ of the message_). I hope it's just a sudden feeling that goes away tomorrow. She's my friend and i have no ulterior motive other than to help her.
Crush problem aside, this morning, after i'm done jogging, i found a bunch of flowers on my motorcycle. I don't know who or why someone placed it there, i just thought it may have something to do with the scratch on my ride; if you recall, it's from the bike incident with my friend. Perhaps the flower is a gesture of empathy. I brought it home and preserved it in a jar. Another trinket to add to my collection.
I had a conversation with my friend this afternoon that reaffirms the idea that my trauma is the result of my parent's abusive parenting. I also found another revelation, i think how i bad talk to myself is how is my interpretation of how my parents would often react to my condition. I'm also more aware of their often gaslighting and guilt tripping tendencies, seeing that i've done it on myself on multiple occasion.
I'm gonna go prepare for tomorrow, even though today was somewhat good, i have a hard time accepting my worth. I hope tomorrow gets better. Enjoy your trip m8.
I am going to do my best to keep in touch no matter what. It just might be at odd times of the day.
September will be good in terms of starting at university. The time between finishing high school and university is always really tough, but you are handling it well. How do I know this? It is the age group that I specialize in. I teach the first class that students take at my college. We have it organized so that the first three weeks (in August) is just the new students so they can really get used to being there. It is a very fun class to teach.
Jogging sounds great and I am glad that you got yourself a trinket. I do love flowers. It is great that you created a memento out of them.
It is nice to have a friend who is using you as a sounding board. It helps you realize that you don't have to do much to be there for someone else besides just listen. You also begin to get an idea that you are valuable just by being kind to others. It is why you are needed in the world. Being kind makes you feel good about yourself, worthy of being here and makes you want to be around her more because you are doing something. So I completely understand the crush. Romantic or not, friendships of any kind can transform you and help wit your own mental health.
It is good to realize some of the trauma that your parents have hit you with. It can be painful though. You are aiming towards one of the keys - how your parents treated you is often how you react to others unless you think through what you are doing. So it is helpful in thinking about not making the same mistakes that they did. But you have to remind yourself of that fairly regularly as you go through life.
I've been falling out of habit on writing a post. Things has slowed down a bit. I still get the occasional sadness from time to time. Mostly from feeling not good. I'm scared that i'll die alone because i'm unlovable. It feels like everything that led to the present moment is a waste and that continuing is pointless.
We're currently in a rest area. Me and my parents are on a long trip to my college for medical checks and scouting for a place for me to stay during college. The trip has been eventful so far.
=------=------=
One, two, three, four, five. Five three repeating beats coming from the car's alarm because dad din't put his seatbelt on. The entire ride was silent. Earlier we just received the news that the ship ticket my dad bought was just for our car not for us. First it was i missed the date of my first medical test in my college, now we might not even have any chance of even leaving the main island. Without the medical test, how am i even going to reregister...
It's getting hard to breathe. I couldn't help but feel like this is all my fault. How had i focused on registering instead of gloating on my victory, we might have catched the ship.
Maybe this is my karma. Fate's way of punishing me for all the wrongs i have done. *** what have i done.. i have only myself to blame. I felt sick.
It sounds like you were hit with some waves of anxiety. Those problems can all seem so overwhelming. Take it one problem at a time and solve it one problem at a time.
Breathe as often as you can.@RhysThe3rd
I just greeted a dog that passed me. I think that's like the 5th one already. I watched as they ran around in packs on the beach. Some of them marking their territory on one of the many tent's pole. Others are just resting under the shade on the samd.
The beach here is beautiful. It surrounds a small bay area with hills surrounding it. There's a mix of local and foreign visitors too. It is also filled with kids and parents all playing by the shore.
=------=------=
Sorry if this post is rather short. There's so many thing happening and so little time to process. A day at the beach, making new friend, and deciding to confess or talk about my feelings for the friend from a previous post.
Do you know how to manage a wide arrange of friend? Because i feel like i have so many friends it's hard to keep in tab with all of them. I don't know how to deal with this... do you have any tips for me? :<
=------=------=
She rejected me. Although it was never my plan to enter a relationship, it still hurt nonetheless.
It's the early evening. I remembered befriending one of the local dogs on the beach. I named him Fenrir. I never befriend a dog before. In the main island, having a dog, especially for a muslim, is a taboo. So it's a new experience to me when i saw a bunch of dogs walk around the beach.
I'm saddened by the sight of them being treated poorly by the locals. It also look as if they're eating off of scraps of food.
=------=------=
I'm back at my new flat. Me and my family will live here for a couple of days before we head back to the main island. Once back, i'll pack my stuff and return to the archipelago and pursue my six year long medical degree.
Since most of the day's excitement dies out, i can't help but think back about what happened this morning. Even though it was less painful than my first rejection, it still hurt nonetheless. I can't help but paint a bleak future for my relationship chances.
I should probably just sleep. I'm hungry and tired.
Glad to hear that you have been having a beach time away from normal things. That is healthy for you.
Your friendships will take lots of different forms. That is what they are supposed to do. Sometimes friends will feel closer than at other times. If you stress less about how they are supposed to look at a given moment, it might be easier for you. Keep relationships really simple for at least a month. Sometimes if you make things serious too fast then you can scare the other person. I am sorry that you got a bit hurt.
It is good that you now have a flat. Focus on the university stuff. I bet that you are going to love your new school and getting some more quality time with the beach and dogs. Dogs make excellent friends. You are allowed to befriend a dog.
@RhysThe3rd
I don't know what to write. I guess i could write about the rejection again so i could get a better understanding of it. It's not like there's anything wrong with me, she said it herself, "My life is too unexpected and complicated for this." So really, it's a problem on her end, not mine. I've been nothing but open and supportive in the relationship. Although, it's sad that my confession might have drove her into using AI again. At that point, i can't do anything about it :(. There goes one friend i guess.
I guess i feel desperate for love. Desperate for that feeling of comfort and reassurance, that company. I'm still afraid that i'll die alone. That none of my efforts or works will matter. I mean, i nearly had it all sorted out and i'm still not immune to rejection. It sometimes feel like it's inevitable. Like i could already see it coming.
So i suppressed these thoughts. Buried it deep down until i have the privacy to sort it out. I don't know if i can. Honestly, it's one of the few things i have control of. Sure i can control how i react to said rejection. But i'm not really in control of how i react. Like i said, i don't have the privacy to sort it out.
I'll.. go for a walk for a bit. It's been a while since i've done so. Things might have been ok on the outside, but i know i've been suppressing stuff unconsciously.
=------=------=
I just got back from my morning jogging and I think a lady just called me crazy. To be fair, i don't really know who's she referring too. It's just when she said it, i remember how instant it feels, my mind immediately concludes that it was me. Why? Because i was talking with myself.
Now it might have not even be me, but i definitely felt offended by it. I remember my emotion immediately exploding, ready to defend myself. To go on an argument why talking with myself is _actually healthy_ and not crazy. That her mouth and her backward religious dogma can kiss my a**.
But i held myself back. I talked myself down, "it could've been someone else," i reminded myself. That comment was offensive... I didn't even need to bring up religion, but since she's wearing a hijab and i felt personally attacked, i feel like i need to strike back at all her layers.
Perhaps this is another case of my mind overthinking again. I haven't ate my breakfast yet and i wasn't expecting to receive such personal attack at such early time in the day. I just need to calm down.
What a way to start the day.
Either the day keeps getting worse or i'm just emotionally unstable. One thing for sure, i despise my parents. I'm glad that i study in a college far, _far_, away from home. There's nothing i want more right now than being alone. *** everyone, i don't need any of them. If i'll die alone so be it, because i don't f*cking care anymore. I'm done with caring. My parents doesn't understand that i just want to be left f*cking alone. They don't understand that, they understand jack sh*t about me! They knew nothing of me other than the mask i put on around people i don't want to associate with. I can't wait to live in a flat all by myself, struggling by myself, and succeeding by myself or die alone.
=------=------=
He's gone. There's nothing left. Just emptiness. The sun is a lie. The star has died out. Nothing. Just a desire to leave it all behind. Everything is a lie. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing. Just waiting for another chance, another ticking countdown. I'm done.
Perhaps it's for the better that i never existed in the first place. Thank you m8.
