A friendzone turned me into a workaholic
It's been years since it happened and only been weeks since i've fully cut ties with him due to my obsession only worsening over time. The experience has been awful; i kept being reminded of all the good times we used to have, the songs we used to listen became a painful reminder, i can never look at love without feeling a sharp pain in me. This awful feeling, combined with the stress of school, turned me into a workaholic. Since i've given up love, given up on my social life, i guess the only thing i can look forward to is my academics. Things went well at first; i got good grades, most of my hw were done long before their dues; then the problem came at the end of every day where i can no longer distract myself. Suddenly all of my problems came crashing down. I feel overwhelmed by this and often resort to extreme measures to ground myself. It just makes me feel hopeless that this happens every, single, day. I just want to forget him why is it so difficult? (T-T) i don't want to feel this pain.. i don't want to live like this.. i've reached out to all of my friends and none of them could offer much support. It feels like i'm alone in this...
I wish that the whole process of healing was easier. I can tell that you are suffering. Unluckily, healing doesn't have a time line.
One thing that might help is making your evenings more regimented as well, but not with school work but with relaxation. Every night go out on a walk, watch your favorite show, play some music, make some art, whatever you like to do. But do it on a schedule like the school stuff. When you know that you don't have an "empty hour" then you have less time to ruminate.
But also recognize that evenings are just plain hard. Your brain is tired. So don't blame yourself if you end up more depressed at times. Your brain is healing.
Above all, know that you aren't alone. You can come here every night and comment if you want. I will respond every time.@RhysThe3rd
Thank you for the kind and thoughtful mesaage friend. It means a lot to me.
I'll consider your word of advice. It's just very hard to take break sometimes. It feels like a risky move. But then again look where that got me : i was rarely happy, rarely do i feel content, my ambition is as high as my ego, i became distant with my friends as our conversation were mostly just me venting.
It's been so long since i've taken an actual break that it feels foreign to me. I used to love pursuing my hobbies and passion. It just got lost with school and my past traumas wreaking havic on me. So when the times come for break.. i imediately go back to work. Cause that's what i'm used to do.
It doesn't help that i feel like my self-worth as a person is closely tied to how well i perform academically. Cause like i previously mentioned, i give up on a lot of stuff and choose to focus on my studies as the only way forward. To me, it feels like without it, i don't really have a place on this world.
Start all of this really, really small. You are talking to someone who is considered a successful academic so I know all the pressures. What you are aiming towards is saying this "half hour" each night I am going to either walk, or watch videos, or something. That is it. Commit to just the half hour. Your mind won't want to let you at first, but it will become much easier after a week or two.
30 minutes... that's doable. I really need to turn this ship around :(. Cause each day i feel like i'm sinking deeper into my problem. Just last night i had that despicable object i know i'll never use on myself on my wardrobe. I never ended up using it and opted for something that'll cause less harm but still do the job. Now the two scars on my left is just painful reminder for me of how far down i've fallen :(.
I have fallen that far in the past too. Beating yourself up for it happening makes it even worse. Know that you can see the other side of this. Sending strength and peace.
Start with the half hour. Do it every day as part of your schedule. Remind yourself that you are more productive school wise when you take breaks. Your stuff turns out better that way. @RhysThe3rd
Will do, thanks for the support friend :D
Keep us updated in the thread as to how things go. @RhysThe3rd
Well the first day went pretty well. I implemented a 5 min break system after each heavy task i did. The evening was also good, spent most of it with my friebds mainly listening to their problems. But at the background i can feel that the 'work gremlin' as i called it, was reminding me of my task that is due tomorrow. At first it was just a whisper, over time it ended up becoming too loud so i decided that i had enough fun already and ended the day.
The 2nd day din't go so good. I believe that seeing couples at school resurfaced the trauma of being rejected. This caused me to experience a lot of pain that left me feeling numb and emotional. I remembered that i threw a tantrum because my emotional state has caused me to miss a deadline. Stuff were smashed, things were punched, and i screamed out of frustration. It was a horrible experience.
I eventually sort my stuff out by cleaning my room. I don't know how, but it seem to calm me down. I eventually made a plan on how to deal with this mess of day. Then i went to my weekly tutor class and it seem to improve my mood.
I ended the day with some note for myself. Mainly that there's a need for a better coping strategy.
Those voices are just so, so nasty sometimes. I am sorry that it has been a struggle for you. Remind yourself that the voices are lying to you. First and foremost, friends want to help. We keep thinking that we ask too often or that they don't really care. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Second, while there are some family members who might be stupid and not understand your sexual orientation, you know that they are wrong. You are beautiful just the way that you are. Focus on the family members who do accept you.
Healing from relationships does just take time. It is painful but you are slowly but surely getting there. Take it one step at a time.@bestVase7265
I am so, so sorry that I had to miss two days. I rarely miss at all. My job kept me busy from 7 am to 9 pm and I could do nothing else those days.
That does sound like a rough day a few days ago. Your brain kind of trains you to think that those horrible moments are the center of the day, but it was interesting to hear how you recovered later on. Being able to see those better moments as a victory is good. And I think throwing things around on occasion is actually quite healthy and part of the healing process. All of that school work was keeping you away from feeling emotions that you needed to feel in spite of how painful they were. Each time that you come out on the other side of a bad moment, you are stronger.
I hope that it has been a bit smoother since then. @RhysThe3rd
It's alright dude, we all have our own responsibilities that occupy us in the days.
As for the update, things are not so good with my academics. Since there's a lot more time for myself, i often find myself having to catch up with the constant flow of materials every day. It can be stressing, but i trust myself that i can do it despite fewer hours on studying.
As for myself... boy has things went better than ever before :D. While i'm still sleep deprived for most of the weekdays, i feel much more stable and focused. As i come to term with my problems and implementing some changes, i started to feel the happiness that has been lost in my life finally come back to me. I guess those breaks does work.
But despite all that i sometime feel like I'm not good enough, that i'm unlovable. I always tried to comfort myself during those difficult times. I tried to spend some time for myself so that i don't fall under the 'my happiness can only be fulfilled by my soulmate' mentality. But even then i still feel like i'm not good enough for anyone :<.
I totally understand those feelings of unworthiness. They fade so slowly, but they do get better over time, I promise.
It sounds like things are working just a little better at the moment. Focus as much as you can on that. Keep up the routine.
Sometimes doing the routine of resting makes the rest of it easier. It keeps your brain from going off in the wrong direction too often. @RhysThe3rd
I do hope that they fade slowly :(. I'll try not to be too harsh on myself.
As for the usual update :
Last night i had a terrible breakdown again. It started out from a memmory of my rejection. The way he easily brushes off my emotional anguish at his rejection... it hurts me so much. The fact that all this time it had been for nothing. I felt so worthless, i wanted to reach out to my friend but they've been busy lately so i don't want to bother them. I felt so alone. Then the other thought started to swarm me. "You're a shame to your family for being gay!", "Stop wasting your time being sad, you're just being a burden to your parent by not studying", "you're bothering people with your problem", "no one will ever love you if you're like this".
I finally reached out to one of my friend. Thanking them in tears for staying by my side this whole time. It can feel hopeless at times, but i'm glad i still have people i can rely on.
Today's update :
I had another flashback, this time it was from my friend's last name... it was his first name. I just couldn't bare to relive those memmories. I know you said that it'll fade soon enough, but i realize that it's been 2 years now since it happened. Though the pain isn't as sharp as the day it happened, one thought alone is enough to knock me down for the day. I don't know what to do with it, nothing seems to work. I was reconsidering the 'work till you forget it' plan but i know it'll do me more harm than good.
I just feel like i wanna give up on love but it hurts.
It's nor getting better isn't it? Sorry for dissapointing you 😞
Don't expect perfection from yourself. If you were able to escape the work gremlin for a bit then you succeeded.
Tomorrow just work as hard at taking the break as you did today. Once you get the pattern established your brain will begin to release you.
My threads keep appearing in weird places on here so I am going to try to start on the bottom.
You absolutely CANNOT disappoint me. I am not expecting any of this to disappear just because you really want it to or because you are trying to reorganize your brain. You are working very hard and I am proud of you. That is not going to change.
I know that you feel it has been too long. When I was deep in the hole, it felt that way too. I couldn't see a way out and I was trying so hard. But I was healing and I couldn't see it. Then I kind of popped out the other side of it all in 2020.
This WILL happen for you eventually. We just don't know when. What helped me most looking back on it was getting outside, taking work breaks, and doing things like coloring and puzzles each day for brief intervals. Trying to control my thoughts was pretty impossible. The only thoughts that I worked to control were the ones that said "the whole day was bad". Writing down (or thinking about) the few moments of good as victories helped a great deal.
Sorry for the sudden dissapearance, i just had a rough few days 😔.
It's nice to hear about your experience, though i may not be in an emotional state where i can be hopeful right now; i have been sleep deprived for four days now. Things are just going down hill man.
I hate the whole situation with my family. I thought i never had to worry about my sister getting sick, or our family wealth running dry. The conflict between mum and dad irritates me. It's just a rift that keeps getting further and further everyday. Sometimes i believe that the only thing that kept this family together is me and my siblings. Without us, they're probably divorce themselves by the look of it. I also feel like mum is taking care of my youngest sister to cope from her problems.
I don't know m8... i'm just tired, life it seems, only gave me a few minute of break before slinging me back to heck.
You are allowed to be brutally tired with all of that going on. I can understand wanting it all to just calm down or go away.
But the big thing out of all of that is your saying that you aren't sleeping. That can be really rough because without the sleep you have strength for nothing else. What kinds of things are you trying to find a new sleep schedule? I know that it can be really hard to do but it is a great thing to focus your energy on right now. @RhysThe3rd
It'll be hard but i'll try, thanks for staying with me man.
Sometimes the sleep thing is really hard to get under control. You want to sleep but your mind won't let you. You can try things like exercise near bedtime, some kind of sleep aide, or limiting screen time. But it is different for each person. Sometimes I just repeat the same thing over and over until I sleep (something like "things will get better").
Sending strength and peace. No need to thank me. It helps me to encourage others. I make it part of my day every day. @RhysThe3rd
I can feel your pain. I am so, so sorry. It happens when you are re-traumatized unexpectedly. It sounds like a bit of a panic attack. They do feel wretched and they are draining. The best way to get through them is to refocus yourself. Believe it or not, drinking ice water was really helpful to me at such moments. Other people do a sense count - five things you see, four things you touch, three things you hear, two things you smell, one thing you taste.
I hope things are a little better now. Sending peace.
A close friend of mine had cut ties with me. I knew he was struggling with his personal problems; four of his friends ended their lives this year. I could onky imagine what it must've been like for him. If i only i could've helped him had it not been because of my problems. His last message to me was "I'm too much to you".
That left me with just one close friend left. I really don't have anyone else in my life. My parents are anything but supportive. With the storm of the final exam that'll determine the rest of my life brewing, and my problems just getting worse. I just feel hopeless.
Yesterday was probably the closest thing i had to a plan and actually commiting to it. It had always been a twist of my original plan. I originally planned on attending my usual tuition school but that day i have no intention in doing that. Instead i deviated into leaving my house. Then drown myself in my negative thoughts and then the end.
Ok, take a deep breath. The first step is to have a plan if thoughts get bad again. Do you have a crisis line or a crisis texting spot to help at moments like that? You need to have resources to call upon.
Next, you don't know that you have lost that friend that you think you did. You just know that you lost them for the moment. They need at least a little time away. You also don't know about other friends that you think you might have lost. There are ways to re-expand your friend circles.
But sometimes, you have to focus less on friends and more on the task ahead for a bit. Tell me more about how that exam period coming up is organized for you. Maybe I can help you figure out a good plan. I work at a university and do stuff like that with students all the time. @RhysThe3rd
I think i've gotten better. It's clear now that i needed a better coping mechanisms and i should stop relying on my addictions. I also believe that i still hadn't gotten over the rejection. Seeing that my reaction to meeting the person that had done so pushed me into hyperventilating :(.
It's difficult, to wake up in the morning to see that your friend had left you. My friends means a lot to me that the loss of one caused me a lot of distress 😞. When things get tough, i knew i could always count on them to support me. But now? There's only one left ( ._.).
As for the re-expand my friend circles part, i'm just gonna be honest i think i've given up on it just as i've given up on love. It's too much effort for my limited amount of time. So i'm just gonna cherish the ones i had left.
They say that the exam is gonna start at the end of this month, so i'm guessing like on the 27th. There's 15 subjects with which 6 of those being biology, general math, advanced math, chemistry, physics and english are considered the main subjects. It's impossible to keep up with that many subjects so i just focused my effort on those main ones. Oh and also, the exams are done on paper.
I could've focused my effort on prepping myself for the exam had it not been because of the projects that i haven't finished yet. Besides that i have to keep a study-life balance so it's even more challenging.
Also, i din't expect to be talking with an academic! :D
It is a lot, I know. Focus on just a bit at a time.
Remember when we started this thread? One of the first things that I said to you was that you needed to take breaks in order to do good work. I said that as an academic. It really is the best way and I have learned that over the last 30 years.
So it is good to focus on those main subjects and not look down too much. Vary what you are doing often.
None of this is going to completely keep all of that emotional pain at bay, but remind yourself that you are doing your best. Avoid kicking yourself too hard. That is a critical element. You are working hard at all of this and that matters. @RhysThe3rd
It will get better. I just can't promise you when. How did today go?@RhysThe3rd
Currently at an event in my school. I feel like i got no one to be with here. Just myself. And so i thought "Ah... i guess this is what happens when i spent most of my time behind books, i feel completely out of place here :(." It's not like i can just skiddadle out of here and went back into studying. Seeing lots of couple only worsen my growing insecurity. I hate this, i hate this, i hate this!
In the time of writing this post i've managed to found myself a secluded place. Although a bit crowded, the silence is comforting.
Silence can be quite comforting. You will find people again. It just takes time. Remember that those couples that you see aren't necessarily any happier than you are at the moment. Breath into the silence and learning to love yourself. You are special with or without other people. @RhysThe3rd
Had a memmory of my crush. How much he helped me, our memmories together, how i watched his life unfolded. But then he's gone. I had a part of him in me and now it's just a void. I felt his influence over me even after he's gone. From the way i live my life to how i perceived the world.
How do you live with that? To have a part of someone in you but that person is no longer with you. It's hard to describe. The fact that now, they're just that, a memmory.
How do you lie with that?
You live and lie with anything that is rough like that by first acknowledging it is hard and that things take time. Then you do your best to distract yourself and think about other things. That is what helps those scars to heal faster. But they remain scars. You don't get "over" it, you get through it. You will do just that, but the journey is quite different from person to person. Focus even more on the distractions. @RhysThe3rd
You can get the space that you need without becoming a workaholic also. Let us keep working on the balance.
How were things today?@RhysThe3rd
Things are ok i guess.
Yesterday 'lil sister fell and had a head injury because of me. I beat myself up hard for it. Now imagine this, it's the end of week, i'm sleep deprived there for my emotional resilience is signifacantly reduced, i beat myself over something that is the result of said problem, and then imagine me kicking the door to a rotten building and the entire thing collapsed. I tried to- _ahem_ insert a despicable object into a particullary region on my abdomen and fail because i din't have enough willpower left.
It happens a lot y'know...
After beating myself up to the point of attempting to de-exist. I was left with the feeling of "I am alone :,)." Two of my close friends left me, leaving me with only one, sometime available, close friend. The tricky part? He's also having a problem. So early on we establish a boundary between ourselves. He can only help as long as he has the capacity to do so. We also establish a mutual support, he can talk to me about his problems and vice versa.
Right now i'm just trying to finsih my projects so that i don't have to worry too much about next week. Even if it meant sacrificing most of my time.
I miss him. I can't stop thinking about him. How he stayed with me for as long as he did. For believing in me. For instilling hope in me. I can't...
Of course i'm at a far better condition then i was back during the pandemic. But every now and then, i can't help but feel like i wanna sharw these accomplishments with him. To talk about our days, like we used to.
But that's never gonna happen. He had already found someone more alligned with him. A life.
Me? I'm... just floating. Trying to find my place in this world. Surviving the day to day chaos. I feel like something is missing in my life.
I know that you said that i don't need another person to feel "whole". But sometimes i just want someone i can talk to, be honest with, and are willing to listen.
I... tried to listen to other people's problem. Sparing my time from now and then to listen to these people. Behind all of that i may have an ulterior motive to it. I wanted them to listen to me too. But, who wants to listen to me? :(
I'm considering journaling as an alternative method to it. It'll take a lot of time to adjust, and persistance. I hate that things had to be this way. Time have mercy upon me.
Well, I want to listen to you. I enjoy it and I mean that. It is good to learn about other people and really helps me heal.
Writing here is a form of journaling. The key is that you mention the pain, but don't try to dwell in that space for long.
Easier said than done, I know.
But that is why I will ask you to report on your current day rather than thinking about the past that you miss or the unknown future. Work from the present outwards. It makes it much easier to see things in that smaller framework. So what kinds of things did you eat today? Was there any bite that you particularly enjoyed?@RhysThe3rd
I think that despite the fact that it's cheap and requires little to no effort to make, nothing can beat an instant noodle when you're feeling down. But since i love cooking, i added an egg so it creates this almost perfect blend of texture between the softness of the noodle and the crispyness of the egg. That mixed with the regional culinary flavoured noodle, makes this an almost perfect meal. I could've added a boiled vegetable but there's none on the fridge :(. I enjoyed my time cooking even if it sometimes ended up with a bad result.
You are right about that - I love a good instant noodle topped with egg, especially when the egg is cooked just right. What kinds of boiled vegetables do you like to add?
I find that cooking helps to put me in a different spot in terms of all of the mental health stuff. It focuses me in a good way, even if I too have total failures. Yesterday I managed to burn two trays of wontons to a crisp, but the pumpkin hummus that I made to go with the burned chips turned out well. I just found some other chips and veggies to have with the hummus and it was a solid meal. I don't do cooking every day (there are always leftovers), but I know that I need to cook to keep myself centered. I think that it is all of the senses that you use to cook.
Did you have any good videos that you watched today? @RhysThe3rd
Sorry couldn't write much of an entry today. I'm just too exhausted. Spent 2 hours making a new friend when i should've been doing my homework. So i spent the next 3 hours after it doin hw. Now it's very late and i'm glad i still have the time to write this even if it's not much.
No need to apologize for a shorter entry. You deserve the rest. It is great that you were spending time with a friend rather than doing homework. That is actually a solid choice (remember this is coming from a professor). You needed the break and time with a friend. No need to feel guilty about it.@RhysThe3rd
I feel like i'm starting to regret that decision. Because of it, i have to do my homework till midnight. That means that i'll have to take more caffeine in the next day. I can feel myself become easily agitated, constantly yawning, and i found it difficult to stay focused.
I mean now i got someone asking me for a lunch together but I feel like i loss more than i gained. This is probably why i should just stay within my lane. I've picked my path so i should've just stick with it instead of this whole side quest.
I don't think that you are regretting the decision but fearing getting hurt again. That is understandable. It remains a risk well worth taking.
But you can really handle both (with the friendship stuff in slightly smaller doses right now). The homework may not be perfect, but that is okay. You will spend less time feeling lonely and concerned about ever having friends. That ruminating takes time too. @RhysThe3rd
The only way i can get hurt from this is if i'm putting effort into starting another relationship which is something i generally avoid nowadays. It's just not worth the time and effort.
I hate how my denial of social connection pushes me to lean on my addiction to cope with my problems. But such is the burden i'm willing take.
I know that at the root cause of it, it's because of my lack of sleep that most of my problem happens. I'm a hardworker and i value my time, i don't take it kindly when someone wastes my very limited time. Which means that i come first after empathy. I still feel empathy, though only when i have the time to do so.
I don't care if i'm alone or that most of my friends are in a relationship. I have a goal, which is something that differentiate between me and them.
You are going back and forth quite a bit here. Sometimes you complain about being alone and other times you seem to enjoy the work and the aloneness that it brings. That going back and forth would be rough to take. Are you happy with the current state of things?
Friendships don't have to be all in and neither does work. You can create a balance between the two where you don't feel guilty or lonely. What might that balance look like for you?@RhysThe3rd
Ah so you've noticed it. Yes, yes this happens a lot you see. My mind is conflicted sometime. Help this guy or see him suffer. Exploit your friend or listen to them. Become a workaholic or succumb to your suffering. Use other people or be used. Sometimes you've gotta make a tough decision.
Happyness? What happyness? Ah- there's only suffering, hatred, and pain. The sooner i accept those, the sooner i can get back to work.
What good is friendship? They've been nothing but tools of progress for me. Feeling bad? Oh you can just contact them. Need a help with an exam? No worries! Thanks to the works of my genious social approach, now there's a web of people who's unaware that i'm using them for my own gain. But of course no one is gonna believe that. Because I'm as pure as the driven snow.
I am so sorry for the pain that you are in. It sounds like things are really tough to find a way through because of how often you have been hurt.
We put up all sorts of walls when that happens. Sending lots of strength and peace as you navigate the next few weeks.
How were things for you today? Any slightly better moments?@RhysThe3rd
I woke up feeling like a zombie, the morning feels soulles. Then as the day go on i found my motivation again and got most of the stuff i had to do done. But now? I guess i'm just exhausted. I can no longer run from that fact.
People sometimes asked me why do i study a lot, to which i answered, "What's my life out of studying?" I never really consider it. Studying has been a central part of my life ever since my entrance into a tuition school; which puts our family's economy on edge. My peers often associate me as being dilligence and hardworking. It's nice to get that validation, but i've also felt the cost of it. So many lonely nights, waking up feeling like you're both dead and alive, many instances of me trying to take my own life because i could no longer deal with the stress i've put on myself.
I also find the act of doing nothing and the simplest of leisure activities a waste of time. Because why bother with all of that? I've been granted a very favourable position in my life which many people here don't have. Why not use it productively? For good? Like help other people's life or solve a community crisis, the possibility are endless.
I've been also coming to term with the fact that perhaps being alone wasn't all that bad. Is this my escapsim from the fact that i'll never found love again? Perhaps. But i do know that it's far better to invest my time into something more productive rather than something as destructive and uncertain as love. I'll still make friends since my orginal intention is still to help other people. But i won't let myself get too attached to them or risk another 2 years of heart torning suffering.
May time have mercy upon me.
Saturday was... sort of terrible. For half of the day i din't even realized that i was exhausted and running on backup energy. I had probably one of the worst tutoring session ever, i couldn't focus, i don't understand the material and ended up getting a bad grade. So for the rest of the day i decided to take a much needed brake.
I got better on the evening after a much needed rest, i even found myself and finally did yoga again after a long time :D. I got to listen to my friends again which saddens me to know that most of them never feel listened before ( T-T). Then as the evening start to roll i can't help but feel this ache in my heart. It's a familiar feeling, a heartache, one that feels the loss of a friend. I miss my friends so much. I often blame myself for what happened. Thinking that had i just gotten better, i might've save our relationship.
All i wanted was someone on my back that i knew i could rely on when things get tough. So i've set myself to become other people's place to go to when they're in a dark place. I even set up my own 7cup listener account; though i never got to use it fearing that i'll fail people :(.
I got to see him again, but this time i din't look away. I finally mustered the courage to actually see him; though only an avatar in social media. It just brings up so much emotion, hurt and longing. I sometime long for someone to share my happiness with. But i fear the rejection that'll come with the risk, so i build walls around my heart, no one is getting close to me. To further solidify it, i started to go back into my workaholic tendencies. But then it started to negatively impact my academics so i rollback on the decision.
At the time of writing this i felt a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I hope that tomorrow, i can be better. But that's hoping for too much. I feel like my recent worsening addiciton is related to me shoving all of my negative baggage into endless work.
Oh will i ever find someone again? A place of shelter when the storm gets too harsh, a sun that shines at the darkest of days, an oasis in a desert of sand. Time, i want you to swallow me whole. For a while i've been a slave to you. Lost in the endless suffering you've pulled me through. Oh time... how much do i have left? Cause life often feels like a rope on my neck. A slow and painful release. Is this what i deserve? But time does not answer. It marches forward, ignorant to your suffering.
I will reply to the first message first and then the second. Last night I couldn't get on to write because of my son's play.
Mornings can be especially hard where you have to push through until things begin to come into a better focus for the day. What kinds of things do you do for yourself in the morning to help?
Focusing less on what you are thinking and more on what you are doing may help some. Are you getting outside at all? Are you eating okay? These are the healing starting points.
For today, remind yourself that evenings are equally rough danger zones. Focus more on those moments where you felt better. That yoga is awesome. Keep doing things like that. That will keep you from doing the workaholic stuff. @RhysThe3rd
Wait, your son had a play? That's so cool! :o
Usually i'll just sleep untill i feel like i had enough of it. Din't really have much energy to do anything.
I rarely go outside besides going to my tuition class or project related stuff. But if i feel like it, on sundays i usually went to a park for recreation with my friends. I've also been kinda skipping lunch in favour of more work time.
Also i've been taking small step to handle my addiction. It needed to stop, it comes to a point where i hate it but is p0owerless to stop it.
He's in my dreams, my dreams! Not even in my unconscious state could i truly escape from him. We had a conversation, it's as if nothing ever happened between us. But i know it's not real, we haven't interacted in months now.
It's awful. I want to do terrible stuff to myself so i can repress back that memmory.
Yes, my son is a high schooler and was in rather bizarre version of The Stinky Cheese Man. He was pretty sick but stuck it out. However, the week has been stressful.
So, how do you stop replaying those memories? How do you stop the addiction? I know that the thoughts are horrible. For me, starting from those basics was critical.
Eat lunch. Your depression brain is purposely lying to you saying that skipping food is okay. It isn't. Without calories those memories come back harder and faster and they are much more challenging to deal with.
Get outside every day for at least a little bit. It can be a quick 10 minute walk or sitting outside or near a window to do homework. It really retrains your brain over a few weeks if you can develop a routine.@RhysThe3rd
I don't know. I'm starting to lose hope again. My heart is killing me. I'm unlovable, worthless, and a burden. Why bother with any of this? I'll just die a pittiful death one day. No one will remember me. I want people to hate me ( T-T). To be inflicted with pain. I'll die alone, no one will remember me.
Halt right there. I will remember you. There are plenty of other people who care how you are doing right now.
Your brain isn't letting you see them. It is also telling you not to eat and do other things that you need to do to get stronger. It is lying to you ALL the time.
The way to not fall in the hole is to work as much as you can on the eating and the outside stuff. Try it with me as an experiment for at least two weeks. Every day you eat every meal and every day you get outside or sit by a window. Both of those are easy to do.
You are not looking for a beautiful new world to suddenly appear. What you are looking for is some improvement. You deserve it.@RhysThe3rd
Sorry for the terrible post yesterday. I opened up to my friends about my problem and it left me in a very vulnerable spot. Thankfully they were supportive even if they din't really listen to me.
I think i'm starting to lose my apetite day by day. There's really no other drive to eat other than to remove the feeling of hunger. So i took small bites that soon left me feeling hungry again. What's happening to me? :(
In my mind i can't think of anything but study, do homework and finish my projects.
This evening i had a girl visiting me during my recess in my tuition class. We used to go to the same tuition class before we moved into a bigger one cause our parents demands it and college is just right around the corner. I don't talk with her very much other than the usual greetings we had when we passed by each other. To be honest i don't have that much people come to me other than to ask for a copy of my homework or just passing by so her visit was a surprise to me. The fact that someone i rarely met suddenly visits me raises a lot of alarm bells in me. Judging from my observation of the conversation, she was trying to get to know me. Although question she asks is a bit shallow like, "where do you live?", "where did you attend your juniour high at?", i don't know what to expect to be honest. I mean it wouldn't make sense if were to suddenly talk about "the relationship between human architecture and nature", got the idea while i was observing my environment. During the duration of our conversation, i couldn't help but blush at every moment because, "What the heck is going on?!". After the conversation ended, i spent the rest of the day suppressing any ridiculous idea about what just happened and continue to focus back on my studies.
You were vulnerable with friends - great job! Yes, it can put you in a bad spot but they were trying to be empathetic which proves the opposite of what you said. You do have people in your life who care. They aren't perfect at it, but that doesn't make it less valuable.
It is typical during depression to not feel any real enjoyment in eating. You do have to just force yourself to keep eating so you don't get weaker and have the bad thoughts worsen. Just keep at it and worry less about your feelings and more about just doing it.
Are you getting outside just for a little? Keep working on that too.
As far as the girl suddenly becoming more friendly than expected, I would probably try to reverse the message that you thought it might be saying. What if you just saw it as a kind, momentary gesture and didn't try to read anything into it. Sometimes people don't really have motives that you need to analyze. Just be grateful for the kindness. Don't turn it into evil too quickly. Let the moment merely exist as a necessary study break. @RhysThe3rd
I mean could you blame though? My brain is sleep deprived so i'm constantly on full alert. The fact that there's a lot of projects with tight deadlines doesn't help with it.
I mean, does getting outside of class counts as going outside? If so i've been doing it a lot. Because my class is suffocating me and i feel a lot of comfort by myself outside; although it could get me in trouble.
Today was very exhausting, pretty much spent the entire day for a presentation that never happened. There was a lot of instances where i'm hungry but i forced myself to focus on my work.
I'm also starting to lean more on noodles for my carbon intake. I know it's bad for my health, but my usual foods has just been bland and noodles offers a variety of experiences for my taste buds.
I'm reminded of how poetic i can be when i'm feeling love-struck. I called him "My Sunshine" because he always somehow make my day more brighter. I wrote a heartfelt commentary on his musics, reminiscing on how he seems to brighten up upon my comment. My last romantic words to him was my confession "You're the love of my life." We both know how that ended... and i feel like it still eang true till this day.
I've modeled how i engage with other people based on how he engaged with me; although with less (!), for some reason he likes to use exclamation a lot and it can feel like sarcasm when i'm in a bad mood. But the bad thing is that i compare myself to him a lot. It got to the point where i have to sever our connection because i couldn't stop comparing myself to him.
Yes, you do need to sever that connection with your past and move forward. You can tell that it is endangering you which means that you are already moving in that direction. I know it is tough but you are doing it.
By getting outside, I mean physically into a spot where you are seeing trees, birds, plants, sky. For me it is walking for about 20 minutes a day no matter how busy the day it is.
The only way that your studies are going to go well is if you are eating. Taking a break to eat a meal is NOT wasting time that you could be studying. It is making the studying possible. Without nutrition you will fail exams and turn in bad papers. You will be less able to meet deadlines because your brain will require more breaks. Not eating is part of the reason that you are sleep deprived and your brain will not stop moving.
Yes eating something nutritious is better, but eating anything at this point is the most critical. If noodles bring you comfort then eat them.
Things are going to get better if you can do those two things. I know it feels like I am harping on them, but if you won't do medication or therapy, then these are the best options for turning things around. @RhysThe3rd
Sorry i couldn't write much for today, it's just been a lot. Had a terrible presentation today because my group and me was unprepared for it. Proceeded to spend the entire day redeeming myself by working twice as hard as before, i can definetly feel the fatigue starting to set in. During my recess, a friend of mine told me that a lot of people are actually interested in me and that i should've been more open so they can approach me. I immediately went into denial and went back to work so that i can suppress any resemblance of hope i had for a relationship. I often wonder sometimes, for someone so sleep deprived, stressed, and probably a bit deranged, i come off as a good spirited, fun and lively.
Also, taking your advice, i'm planning for a picnic on Sunday. But i'll still do some work while at it because my mind wouldn't just let it rest.
Notice that I am not asking for massive breaks from your schedule. Think in terms of just eating all your meals and getting outside 20 minutes a day. A picnic is awesome, even if you bring some work to it for just a bit.
You aren't looking for perfection from yourself. You aren't looking for perfect presentations. You aren't looking for perfect relationships. If you can click in the "ok" category at the moment you are good.
I hope that tomorrow is a solid improvement for you. Sending strength and peace.@RhysThe3rd
Today was... crazy.
In the morning our school held an event in which we'll jogg around town. It was wonderful! My friend gave me a flower which i wore on my head, i enjoyed the compliment from most of the teacher but sadly one of them corrects me because it's "not good" for a guy like me to be wearing it. I mean come on what is this hypocrisy?! There's literally a feminine guy, someone wearint a pink rabbit suit, and they doesn't get a bad rap for it but when i wore something that's out of my gender norm i get corrected. Whenever i think back to it i feel this fuzy feeling in me. It feels good to be open and not be judged.
When we got back to the school i had one of the worst headaches i've ever had. It's the result of piled up sleep deprivation and hunger i've been holding since the start of the event. When i was about to go home, a girl i knew asked me for a ride home (she's also under my suspicion). Because of the headache, my decision making ability is impaired so i relented on taking her.
For backstory, a while ago this girl asked for my number. I knew nothing of her since she never texted me after that conversation nor started a new one. But one day i passed by her i decided to talk with this mysterious girl. Turns out she has known me since junior high and proceeds to talk about my interests (which only serve to raise my suspicion for her). After that i believe she became boldened to interact with me. She kept asking for these urgent favours that stresses me out. I don't know what her plan is and i was well on my way to barrate her for it. But i never did it.
Cut back to present time, now i'm taking her home, this is weird. She kept trying to engage me into a conversation, even when i told her that it's dangerous to held a conversation while driving. Now i know her house, i don't know what to do with this information, perhaps put it in the "forget me" bin?
I can't afford to have my attention to be diverted by some side quest. I'm also stll reeling from the horrible friendzone so the rejection is inevitable if she decides on it.
Focus yourself very clearly on that first paragraph. That is where the victory is. You ran and did exercise outside. It greatly improved your mood even when others said stupid things that could have otherwise brought you down. This is exactly what I meant by getting outside and eating meals. You are looking for those awesome little moments when things feel better.
For right now, just put the girl encounter to the side and ignore it. You don't want to be involved right now anyway. If she asks further then you say that you are really busy with your studies right now and are working through the remnants of an older relationship. That way you won't let her imagine that she has done something wrong. @RhysThe3rd
Sorry i couldn't write much for the past few days because i was exhausted. I din't get to submit my tuition test papers because I don't have the strength to make the journey. I don't have the energy to be mad at myseld so i just sulk in the failure. Then I spend most of the day at home, mostly resting while still doing my homework even if it's not much.
Oh and that picnic i talk about? Yeah... that had to be cancelled. The rain wouldn't stop pouring and i have a lot of group projects that i have to attend to.
There's really not much to say other than it's been a dissappointing few days 😔
Sometimes days can be a series of disappointments. I am sorry that the last few have been difficult for you.
Getting mad at yourself just makes things worse, whether you have energy or not. Thus, I am glad that you aren't beating yourself up too much. Even a little bit of homework on those bad days is still a victory. You are plugging away at things. That matters.
How are you doing on the eating regularly front? @RhysThe3rd
It finally came again, the desire to simply not exist. To have my own record dissapear as if i was never born. To feel the last air coming out of my mouth as i choke on my painful existance. To feel all of the pain in my life at once, concentrated at a swing of a sharp object towards my most vulnerable region. To feel liberated and horrified at the same time. "This is it?", i tried to speak but only came out in a pathetic mumble. I feel the energy slowly draining out of me, my very own essence of life pouring out of me. Memmories starts to flood me, all the happy times, all of the bad times. Was that... regret? No... there's no going back now. I blinked for a second, i was afraid. At any moment my life is going to be over. There's no help coming, i'm all alone. I can't breathe, i started to feel sleepy. At least it's over now.
You are NOT alone. Those moments are very, very scary. They have happened to me too.
The moment is over now. So give yourself a bit of space to recover, but focus on those basics. Did you have anything to eat or drink any water?@RhysThe3rd
It's getting difficult to have those needs met :(. I've just been working non-stop and it's wearing me down. But what's worse? Getting tired and hungry or be reminded of the worst moment in your life? I choose the former.
Many times i feel like i want my consiousness to be pluck out of me. Because without my basic human needs, i'm basically a machine. Constantly working, constantly learning. What a terrible reality to live in yeah? Yeah... been thinking of off-ing myself a lot.
But as long as i drink my caffeine, stay focused on my goal, i'll eventually die of old age. I'll finally get the long, long rest i've yearned.
I am sorry for missing a night. Yesterday was a hard one for me as it was my birthday but my aunt also died. When you add in a tremendous amount of work stress and drama, it has been a rough few weeks.
Yet I cope by caring for myself. I will find my way out of the hole but only through caring for me. When you make the choice not to eat, drink water, get outside and sleep properly, all of the emotions don't hide somewhere. It means that you can't cope and that you think more frequently about offing yourself which is extremely dangerous.
You can find a better path too. What you think is ignoring the pain by working so hard that you don't eat or sleep is heavily increasing your distress. It is not a choice that you need to be making. @RhysThe3rd
I'm sorry about your loss. It's terrible such unfortunate event happen at the same time of your birthday. I hope she finds a good resting place :(
I'm sorry, i'm sorry i haven't improved even a bit. It's hard that the person i'm deeply affectionate with rejects me, it's also hard that my close friends are leaving me because of my condition. I've also been dissapointing lately, more and more bad presentation, my tuition home teacher is mad that i din't give in my test papers. It's hard to feel sorry for myself because it means acknowledging the pain that's driving my motivation. It's terrible and i just can't live with that, so i dug myself deeper into my studies.
I'm afraid that i won't be accepted by my college destination, that i'll became a dissapointment to my family, a burden. I feel so worthless.
I'm sorry, i should've taken the chance to off myself when i had it. Perhaps you or anyone won't have to be bothered with me anymore ( T-T)
Listen closely here - I don't feel the least bit disappointed in our conversations nor do I think that you haven't improved since we started communicating. I actually think the opposite. You keep trying to find a path. You are actually much more than you can imagine. You are a rich, full person who is going to find their way to success and a better path. I am proud of you because you keep trying. That is what it comes down to - trying.
This is coming from someone who had an even worse day today myself and am dealing with self harm and suicidal ideation stronger than I have felt in several years, I think. The pit of despair sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I know that I am going to find my way out eventually.
Why? I keep eating, drinking, walking, and trying desperately to hold onto those brief moments of okay. Then I pull myself along bruised and bleeding into the next day. Then the next day I look for better moments and very slowly they start coming.
You can do this. It one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Tell me one okay thing about today. @RhysThe3rd
Well I had a good meal today. Much better than the ones I usually get.
I've also taken some time to a much needed rest. Felt better afterwards. No more annoying migraines :D.
Yeah... that's pretty much it ( ._.).
I'm gonna have an exam next week so I don't take it kindly to my time being wasted :<. Dunnow why i'm so relaxed considering that this semester's grade will determine my future.
But I also know the importance of balancing so I'll try not to work myself to another depressive episode :,).
I'm also being reminded of him again. I believe it's my mind's coping mechanism from my lack of general happyness. So it uses my nostalgia of him to sort of fulfill that need.
It also pains me to say that i need to work on my self-worth. The friendzone dealt a lot of damage to it. So unless i started working on the thoughts of "He's my first and last", and "I'll never find love again," I'll never see a real change and peace for myself 😔.
Perhaps I'm not alone but i do still feel lonely :(. Most of my times are spent studying or doing stuff with the purpose of continuing studying. I saw my friends enjoying their times playing games, talking, dating, and I just felt so much jealousy that it fueled my motivation to study even harder. To show that "I AM BETTER" than these people. When in fact it's a manifestation of my ego getting out of hand because I've been neglecting myself and being a sponge to negative stimuli.
I appreciate it that you've stayed with me for this long and continued to support me. If I'm not a pessimist about my problems, I'd say there's a way out of my problem. I just need to remember myself and not get lost in the stresses and pain of life.
You did exactly what you needed to do - food and rest. That is allowed to be all that you accomplish and that is allowed to be a victory. You don't need to put yourself down for not doing more.
The only way to pass the exam is actually to do what you just did. You have to rest for your brain to function on the exam. You weren't "just relaxing". You were prepping.
Yes, you can work on your self-worth but you are doing that. It isn't comfortable but you are allowed to feel lonely sometimes. Focus on what you say in that last sentence.@RhysThe3rd
So the first day of the exam is over. Spent much of the day studying... god i'm so tired. During my study times at my tuition school, I can't help but feel jealous of my friend who's constantly in a company and talking with people while I'm alone just focusing on my materials. I thought that this place would be as peaceful as a library. I tried getting out but it's raining so i have no spot where i can isolate myself.
When i got home i tried my best to sleep because i was exhausted but found it to be quiet difficult. I kept falling back into my addictions instead of actually sleeping. So i ended up with just 20 minutes of sleep instead of the 1½ hour i planned.
And now i have a headache, i'm feeling hungry, and the negative thoughts are being a nuisance too.. can it get any worse? 😔
I'm also scared of losing this post. It'll be like losing another close friend again. I don't really know what to do most of the time other than just give in to the negative thoughts and let it slowly corrupt me.
You aren't going to lose the post or me. I can guarantee you that.
Surviving the first day of exams is wonderful. I know how exhausting it was, but you did it. Some people are always going to seem more relaxed, but comparing yourself to them doesn't get you anywhere.
Notice when I suggested focusing on eating, drinking and getting outside that I didn't mention sleeping. That one can be really hard to come by. You plan for it but if your body refuses you get stuck. It isn't your fault. I know that I am currently losing about 2 hours a night because of the extremely high stress that I am under and it is really annoying. I am trying to add in a bedtime candle to see if that helps me relax a bit and stay asleep. We will see.
What kinds of addictions do you feel like you are falling into when you aren't resting?
Do get your stomach full. That is one that you can always control. You ask if "it can get any worse". Of course it could have been worse. You could have not been able to take the exam for some reason. You took it and you can now check it off your list. That means something. You can do this. @RhysThe3rd
To answer your questions :
I hate to say this in a public forum, but i have a porn addiction. And i believe my traumas are only feeding it. It became worse over time as i started to get desperate for some stimuli. It often robs my valuable time and i've tried many times to stop only to fail.
Diary entry :
Today was a lot. Compared to yesterday, today i did twice the amount of work. At the end i just feel tired. I can't... i have another math exam tomorrow. I just need to push a bit harder... but i can't push no more. I've succumbed to my own pressures. I feel like every moment, the things i do is to forget. Forget the painful memmories, ignore the aching on my heart, suppress my internal desires for connection.
I came to hate the people around me. For being so loud during a study session, not focussing on the material, and just being a nuisance. At any opportunity i get, i'd try to find a nice secluded spot for myself. Far away from everyone.
I have to experience all of this right? Because i'm a living being and that's what living beings experience right? I wished my times were shorter. That one day my body and mind will give up one me due to the extensive pressure and stress i put on myself. Like inflating a balloon to the point where the materials could no longer withstand the air inside and it explodes.
Every night i get a chance to test my will. Since i'm the one driving myself home, whenever i get emotional i tend to speed up just to get a feel of that adrenaline, but also hoping that something horrible happened. 50km/hour... 55... 60... 70... 80. Every time i tried to push it's boundaries. I hope it'll be a quick and silent end if it did happened.
You are going to get through that math exam. Take a step back and try to rest a bit. By resting, I mean eating and getting outside.
The things that you are experiencing and doing are part of many people's mental illnesses. Your addiction feels a lot like self harm which I have struggled with. When I get really down (like I was last week) I can't even drive on the highway because of the danger. That to me was an extreme warning sign and I was in touch with my therapist myself today.
Sorry, I will admit that my advice is probably pretty *** tonight. I am not in the best mental state from all of my own stress. But I will try to sleep and take things a little slower. We are both going to make it to the end of the semester. @RhysThe3rd
It's ok if your advice may suck a bit. You're going through some horrible stuff and it can impair with your abbility to help people. I'm trying my best at taking your advice. It's just difficult sometimes. I don't really know how this is gonna help me with getting over my core problems.
Today's diary :
I'm scared :(
That if I fell in love with another person i'll get rejected again. I don't want to experience that again. It's horrible. I cared deeply for the person i loved. I always wanted what's best for them even if it meant hurting myself in the process. Because they're my shelter for when things went bad. To repay their kindness, I gave them a part of myself. My attention and care.
So when he rejected me, I felt a part of myself died that day. It left an empty hole in me and i was dying to fill it with anything. So i became a workaholic and I din't even realize it back then.
Sorry if it feels annoying that i kept bringing back that topic from time to time 😞.
You are absolutely allowed to bring it up. I know how hard that rejection has hit you and how much you still mourn the loss. You are also allowed to wonder (and be scared about) what love might look like for you in the future.
But as you go through all of those emotions, work on the ending of the journal. Think of just one thing that went semi-ok today. It will help ground you a little better in the present so you don't just see a sad past and an uncertain future. It is how your brain heals. One little thing written down that went okay each day. @RhysThe3rd
Today was horrible. There's a lot of free time today but instead of using it to rest or heal, my reptillian brain had the great idea of spending it playing a game. I wasn't even enjoying it, it's just captivating.
Oh and it seems that i've also forgotten that i'm in the middle of an exam! Why waste those valuable times?! I guess i just really don't care about it anymore.
I guess one of the good thing about today was my dinner. For a country with an abundance of spices and culinaries, my dinner is always the same thing (not that i'm complaining). It's not like i have much choice either; I'm a picky eater.
Oh! I almost forgot, My favourite animated show just released the third season today! 🥳 The show has been a major influence that shaped how i view life in general. It teaches me the value of friendship, empathy, and nature. I'm also distraught at how the second season's end kicked me into a panic attack because i've set my life goal to just watch the second season 😞.
I don't know how it went the way it did. This day was supposed to be a good day. I did everything, i exercised, i meditated, i got enough sleep, and got my hunger problem sorted out. But when my parents informed me that they were dissapointed with my decreasing academic perfomance, i broke down.I felt a huge dissapointment for myself for letting them down.
My home teacher told them that i lack focus. It's apparent from my grades dropping with each new test coming out. How do i tell them that i've been struggling with depression and loneliness from trying to "focus" on my studies.
It feels horrible. They don't know the struggles i went to everyday just trying to stay afloat. It's harder now that i don't have my friends besides me 😞.
Your academic tasks are functioning as a distraction from the turmoil & gloom inside you. That's what workaholism is: a distraction from something the afflicted person does not want to face. (Drugs can function in the same way, depending on the user) Distractions aren't necessarily bad in themselves but when it comes to depression--or any undesirable mental state spawned due to a loss of some kind--distractions only work for so long. Sooner or later, you have to face what's bothering you & work through it, if that's possible.
No point in my posting anything else here as others have covered the important info & good suggestions already.
It took me a while to realize that :(. Ever since then i've been implementing changes to help me get through my problems. But even then i guess i'm still hesitant about confronting my actual problems. But then again the bitter truth is that yes, i have to face it if i were to live a normal life.
Anyways, thanks for visiting 👋
@RhysThe3rd Hopefully my initial response helped... If it did then my "visit" to your thread had a point to it.
Mum told me that she had a coma yesterday and i din't even knew it. It awaken a fear in me, one that has been long forgotten and has now resurfaced. The fear of losing the people that's close to me.
You may have not know this, but i've been trying to keep this thread alive by actively posting in it. I was afraid of what i will lose if i hadn't done so.
I remember the times when this fear used to rule me : my first ever relationship that ended in a rejection. I believe that no matter how much comforting word or things he does for me. There's that lingering dread that one day he'll find someone better than me, that one day even if we did get together death is indifferent to everyone. So i keep my diatance from him as a way to shield myself from the fear of losing him which only worried him.
Then on the happiest day i've ever known i confessed my undying feelings for him. Only to be met with rejection. I was broken. I found out that i had a heart-attack-like symptom from the heartbreak. I couldn't believe that this could ever happen. The way he handles it... "yeah you're friendzoned dude but like-" only serve to deepen that pain.
Couple of weeks later he finally met his life partner. I've known this long before he finally told me. I was one of his closest friend so it's obvious that i've been also monitoring the people that had interacted with him. I remembered the scene vividly, how they really enjoy their times together. At that moment i concluded that... i'm done for :(. He was happy with her and i don't want to ruin that. I always wanted what's best for him right? Even if it meant hurting myself in the process...
Ever since then our interactions was strained, mainly on my part. I can't help but feel like whenever we have a conversation it's like hugging a cactus. It hurts but i believe it to be comforting. It's also apparent that i couldn't accept their relationship seeing that whenever i saw her, i experienced that same amount of pain in the day of rejection.
I remembered how intorable the pain eventually became that; Because he's the only person i've been open to; i was forced to open up to someone else i trust.
I don't know how it transpirred into this. I was talking about my mum and how she nearly died yesterday :(.
I am so sorry that I missed a post there. It never showed up in my feed. I am sure that you were wondering where I was.
Ok, I really liked those positive things that you posted. I know that they were hard to write, but you did it.
For the more recent post, what would happen if you told your parents that depression is keeping you from focusing? How might they react? Is there a chance that they might find a way to get you some help? Because you deserve help. You don't deserve to be struggling like you are.
To answer your question :
Well... they'll react like any conservative asian parents would. They'll never listen, would probably just reiterate, "JuSt FoCUs", again and again whenever i bring it up. They're not really reliable when it comes to communication. Heck ever since i was born, i barely knew nothing about them other than their names.
When it comes to getting help, we've tried that before. Unfortunately, as a country that values religion, mental illness is stigmatized here. "Oh you're depressed? Bro just pray to god", or some other religious rhetoric that i grew to hate. But we tried on getting a therapist and do you know what she says to me when i'm feeling hopeless? That's right she started quoting the bible. Like what the heck? My parents payed a lot just for a service you can get FOR FREE just by vistting the nearest church/mosque. The last moment i had with my therapist was her locking me out because my parents haven't payed for the session. It just makes me believe that the therapist here are just a bunch of greedy scums that fortunes on people's suffering.
The only thing that resembles "getting help" was from my close friend and watching Dr. K's video. The former is becoming more unreliable but at least i can still count on the latter.
Today's Entry
Exam is finally over. The last battle was tense, it was a chemistry exam. To be honest i don't feel confident about the essay i've wrote. I also had a moment of schadenfreude when my competitor got caught cheating. I'm like bro if you're gonna cheat at least be smart about it. I don't know how i should feel that there's a part of me that feels joy over other people's misfortune. I feel like it's a moment of, "Now you know how i feel."
Spend most of the day playing video game instead of sleeping... again. My addictions has been getting worse these past few days. I found that i often rely on them whenever i experience a negative emotion. It's a lot to handle and i often feel powerless to stop it. I felt like i'll be stuck with this curse for the rest of my life. It makes me feel hopeless.
So i gotta crank up the work effort. Work, work, work! If i don't have the time to think, i'll never have the time to be depressed! So i gotta keep suppressing, keep piling up the pain because you know what? Pain is my driving motivator all this time.
Who cares if i constantly have a breakdown because of it anyway? I'll just scream my pain and anguish away like always do.
I am happy that your exams are over. That is something that you can be relieved about. Look for those little moments of being okay. You deserve that sense of relief.
I know that Asian parents can be particularly hard and that the culture itself is not very open to understanding mental illness. I am sorry for that for you. But that doesn't make your problems unsolvable. You will find a way out.
Are you still eating and drinking water okay? Those help. The way to escape the addictions is to force yourself outside for 15-30 minutes a day every day. Sit outside with a book. Take a short walk. Do it every single day for two weeks to a month.
You can do this. @RhysThe3rd
To answer your question :
It's been hard to keep myself malnourished. I often have to force myself to eat or else i won't eat at all.
About the "getting outside" thing, i just couldn't bring myself to do it. My mind is constantly buzzing so i have to keep suppressing it with rigorous studying session.
About yesterday :
I was suposed to make a post yesterday, but it contains too many sensitive topics that i got directed to a crisis hotline. I had a terrible breakdown yesterday. Like i couldn't stop myself from crying over and over again. It started out as just this uncomfortable feeling on my chest that slowly gets bigger over time.
Today's entry :
I wanna make this post today because the gap left yesterday just makes me uncomfortable. I have another exam coming up on Sunday (good lord it never ends) so i've been studying a lot for it.
Not much progress has been done since most of the effort is allocated towards prepping for the exam :(. I still feel that i'm unlovable, burdening and that much of the things i do, i did so that i never have to be reminded of them.
It's just frustrating. Take a 30 minute walk, eat, drink, and sleep enough, what's so hard about that?!
Nothing that I have suggested is easy. I totally recognize that.
As you begin to spiral it gets even harder. So forcing yourself to eat is actually a victory that you NEED to count as such. Be sure to have a water bottle nearby and put ice into it if you can. The ice water can make your brain slow down a bit (I know that one sounds weird). And if you didn't get outside yesterday, then just try it today. Make it 10 minutes. Then call it a victory too.
Each day you are starting with a clean slate. What happened the previous day doesn't matter. Take a deep breath and try again. When you think that you can't make it, remind yourself of all of the bad days that you have already made it through. They are a sign that another day that has bad moments in it is something that you have survived and can survive again.
Can you tell me one okay thing that happened today? Keep it small. You are very lovable and needed here. We are going to figure out a way for you to see that. @RhysThe3rd
To answer your questions :
Well.. i ate like 5 times today. Hunger is a real sucker and i don't want anything that could tamper with my studying time.
Daily entry :
I feel like my life has become soulles. I rarely felt anything positive. I mean why wouldn't i be? I've been on an escapist route for so long. I hate to be reminded of that. That my dreams aren't mine. That the "diligent and hardworking student" persona my teachers have known me for is just a mask hiding a broken person.
I'm sorry me, it feels like running is the only way out of it. I tried, i really did. But the heartbroke is just too much for me to handle. Our friends had left us because of our broken state. It's difficult not to blame ourselves for it.
Everyday we are reminded of what we cannot have. We closed our heart so may it never be hurt again. But in doing so we only feed the idea that we're "unlovable" even more.
Things has come to either tired of living or tired of studying. I'm powerless to stop the corruption that's been slowly eating my insides like a cancer.
You are not powerless. You are stopping the depression slowly but surely by communicating with others here and hopefully eventually elsewhere with some real therapy help (even if logistically that isn't possible right now). You just can't see it yet.
You ate and it helped you study. Those are both major accomplishments.
Do it again tomorrow. New assignment for tomorrow: find a bird, an insect, or a tree. Observe it for two minutes. Tell me what you see. @RhysThe3rd
So yesterday i decided i'm gonna take a much needed break. Spent some time with my friends, mainly watching a movie together.
I found a bird while exploring my school. I can only look at it from afar or it'll fly off. It's really small, probably can fit in my hands. It's mostly brown with a white mark around it's neck. It also has this black spot around it's eye. It's a pretty common bird.
I observed the trees in my school. What make them special is that their most outer layers of leaves is coloured red. It's usually at the top side of the tree. The red leaves is less softer than the green ones. I think it's sort of sticky? I don't know how to describe it.
Din't manage to find any insects :(.
That is a great post. You were able to find a great deal.
I especially liked how you were able to relax with friends and watch a movie. Watching a movie or a video is something that we often think of as "wasting time" or "letting our brains rot". That is absolutely not the case. When you do those kinds of things for little bits, you are allowing your brain to heal. It is part of the reason that you felt a bit better.
I can't promise you that tomorrow will be the same. But being out of the hole even for a few hours is a massive victory. What you are looking for are more periods just like that one.
You are going to find them. Those brief moments of hunting birds or looking at trees help to. So maybe tomorrow try to watch a favorite music video. I just watched a really cool one tonight by Samara Joy, a very talented new jazz singer. But yours can be anything.
To answer your question :
I think my favourite music video as of lately is "Bismarck" by Sabaton. It has a lot of energy to it. That combined with the animation of the ship in action is truly spectacular.
Today's entry :
I'm on a vacation today. But because tomorrow i have tuition exam, i'm forced to bring my studying material with me. I just don't have the motivation to study. Like they took me on a vacation! Of course i'm gonna be on "vacation mood" instead of "study mood." Mum's been pushing me to study and it annoys me. No one gets to tell me what to do.
It's also evening now. Even when i'm on a vacation, i can't truly escape from my memmory of him. "I choose her? More like she chooses me!" He said. I'm still not over it mate. There's not much things i can do right now so i can't really escape my thoughts anymore. I don't know if i'm ever gonna be over it 😞.
My parents had spread the news that i'm becoming a doctor to their friends and relatives and puts me on a lot of unnecessary pressure 😔. I'm also afraid of what will happen if i don't get accepted in the university. I'll be a failure, a failed investment. It just fills me with a sense of hopelessness. I've sacrificed everything, if i failed i'll be left with nothing.
"You need to understand that you aren't just harmful to yourself but also to others," I was confronted by my friends about my problem. They din't take it lightly that i've been constantly venting with no signs of improvement. Even threatening to leave me if i continue down that path.
Then what even is the point of having friends anymore? Feels like I can only rely on myself most of the time. I've also been rejecting people's favour more often than usual. I hate wasting my time, and that includes indulging with people i thought as a mere background character in my life. They bring no value to the table.
I hate that i'm becoming someone i never wanted to be. I hope that i treat my childrens differently than that of my parents. But now i feel like i'll project my own insecurities and ambitions to my kids.
Ok, give me a little more context here. How did your friends confront you? What sparked that moment? Sometimes the spark is something that will pass, or it is something that you can work to correct.
You aren't necessarily going one direction. There is no predetermined path. You can always make different choices and not be like your parents.
But it is also best not to judge your friends based upon whether you think that they are worthy of your attention or not. They too aren't going one direction. They can also change at any moment and become better or different than they were.
There are ways out here and you can find them. The fact that you can't locate them entirely right now is okay. You have lost someone important to you and you are stressed about testing. That isn't always the best time for massive shifts.
But my advice remains the same. Keep thinking small - food, water, getting outside, looking for small moments of joy. Those little things are how the bigger things start falling into place better for you. @RhysThe3rd
I will reply separately. First, I listened to Bismarck and I liked it. The animation was especially nice. It is a good choice. I hope that you listened to it today too.
Just do the best you can on the exam. You need the down vacation time too. Sometimes parents just send hints in your direction but it is hard to study if everyone else is relaxing.
So since you are on vacation tomorrow, name me just one thing that you see that is different than what you normally see at home.
As far as the pressure about what you are going to study, tell me more. What are you most interested in studying if you could study anything?
@RhysThe3rd
So i'm gonna answer both of the questions in this post
To answer your questions :
He was faithful of me, but of course i'm having none of that. At that moment just needed someone to talk to not an advice :(. Then i said something that upsets him, "that's easier said than done," he then went on about how he went through the same thing i did and eventually got out of it. It feels unvalidating but i also hit a spot in him. He then threatens to ghost me if i kept venting to him. "You need to understand that you're not just hurting yourself, but other people as well," that word got stuck in my head that night.
The next day i woke up with a scream. I had a night terror. It's been a while since i had one and i don't have much recollection of this one. I remembered it from writing this post. I feel like the confrontation last night really shook me. So i decided to finally take some real actions, went up to him and apologize. He's still a bit mad about it, but made me promise not to do it again. I feel conflicted about it, since it means his empathy is conditional.
The thing i see differently from home is the mountains. Lots and lots of beautiful mountains lush with forest of a variety of floras. I tried to explore the town i was in but got no much further than a couple of meters from my home stay. What i found out from this experience is that i have a free spirited nature that longs for an adventure. It really sucks that i'll have a tuition exam on the next day. Since i can't fully immerse myself on the vacation.
What i'm most interested in studying usually depends on my ego. If i have a low ego i'd probably look into stuff that can help people like reflective listening, yoga and meditation. If i'm more self centered, i'd probably study a lot of stuff like programming, engineering, video editing, cooking, German language, and art.
Right now i'm just trying to figure out how to use the tools in wordpress so i can set up my own website just for funsies. I call it, "The Bread Side of the Internet," a nod off to reddit's "front page of the internet." I'm gonna put a part of myself in this website, that includes my self-centered interest as listed above, and just anything else that i can experiment with.
The difficulties that i'm having with and all of the content locked behind a paywall, is a huge turn off for me right now. So i'm looking for guides on the internet about it.
First of all, there was actually lots of good stuff in here. I can feel that you are more relaxed, even with the night terror and the exam. It is good for your brain to be in a different spot.
As far as the friend goes, I too would be a little put off by the conditional nature that he put with the apology that you made. No one deserves to have an apology dictated to you in that way. It can be hard to begin with when you are explaining how you are feeling to have someone else put their story into yours. They are never exactly the same even if he was trying to cheer you up. But I would focus on intention. This is a person who wanted to help you. They may have failed in some way, but they tried and that means something.
You did a nice job in getting outside even if it was only briefly. Hopefully after the exam you will have more time to explore. I am currently grading exams while other members of my family relax. It is hard not to feel jealous but I try to find a few extra minutes for relaxing and know that I will get some time at the end.
The subjects that you want to study sound fascinating. You could easily build a career out of any of them. Keep exploring whenever you can. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Ich habe in Deutschland vor einen Jahr gewohnt (aber es war vor viele Jahre her). @RhysThe3rd
To answer your questions :
Oh, mein, Gott! Sprichst Du auch Deutsch?! Ich verstehe ein bisschen das. Und ja Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. Mostly just increasing my vocabulary but haven't touched the structures of it.
Today's entry :
Today is good. I spent most of the time talking or being with my friends while keeping a balance with my studies. Then as the evening arrives i did yoga to lighten the effect of my evening depression.
There's not much else to say, except for this thing i've been thinking about lately. Should I try to get back to him? I mean the reason I cut all ties with him is that i couldn't stop obessing or comparing myself to him. I still think of him as a valuable friend. But then i sometime still obsess over him, still compare myself to him and think of hin as my only one. I realized how much my coping mechanism is centered around him that when i experience a negative emotion my mind immediately clings onto him.
I my main problem is that i lacked self-love. Yeah i feel unlovable but that's the product of a lack of self-love. When i traced back where this feeling might come from, i found out that i used to get bullied a lot as a kid, my parents were often abusive towards me, and i got ostracized by my classmates during middleschool. So it's sort of understanable that i felt a deep affection towards the first person that helps me. Because for a long time, it's been nothing but thunder storm sp it's nice to have a shelter for once.
Ja, wir koennen jeden Tag mit ein bisschen Deutsch anfangen, wenn Sie wollen.
I am glad that your day today was a little better. Friends and yoga are just the kinds of things that you need to be doing.
But I would hold off a bit on contacting the person who hurt you so badly. They are still too often in your thoughts and you need to take some time to build up you.
I go through periods with a lot of that bullying and self-hatred. That is the center of depression. What is sad is that bullying by others leads you to do it to yourself. So getting through this and finding yourself really involves turning that narrative on its head and realizing that you are in control of how you feel about you - no one else. No one else's actions control your inner thoughts. That can be hard to get to that place.
But you are already starting to work towards that. Focus on those things that you like to do that are good for you. That helps to build up your self esteem. What was your favorite moment of today?
To answer your questions :
Das klingt gud! Ich möchte das :>
My favourite moment for today was when i spent time with my friends while studying. Even if it hampers my focus, it keeps me motivated.
Today's entry :
Not much can be said about today. I think it's a regress. Mum's been pushy of me studying. I was supposed to spent much of today studying but i failed to commit to it.
My addictions are back after my previous attempts of cutting it off. It can feel downing. Then i remembered what my friend told me, "you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself", "you're not only hurting yourself, but other people as well." Now i felt guilty for feeling it.
I've.. been thinking about it a lot. Is he okay? Is he... still alive? The thought of him being gone is worst than the rejection. Because at least with the rejection i can live with the comfort that he's still alive but distant now. The stuff i did, dreaming of becomung a psychologist, helping people, i did so that people experienced what i did. In a way by doing it, i'm also keeping the memmory of him alive.
He means a lot to me ( T-T). He stayed with me during my darkest times. Showed me what it means to be alive. It's hard to let go of that and i know that i need to let it go. Because i need a life of my own as well.
For so long i've been living under his shadow. Just being his loyal best friend. I never thought what my life would be outside of it. I know that i have stuff that makes me "me" and i just need to explore it. But i guess he still holds a strong influence over me.
Heute ist nur heute. Morgen ist anders.
Ok, so you had a day that was just okay rather than great. That is still a victory. You did do some studying with friends. It wasn't perfect, but forgiving yourself for those imperfections is what you need to do. Tomorrow is a new day and you can study harder then.
Guilt over the other addiction stuff is okay but it can also overwhelm you. To me it is a whole lot like a form of self harm. The only way to stop it is slowly but surely recognizing that you will fall down the hole occasionally. Finding other things to fill the time or trying to recognize "hey I am about to do this, what else could I do instead?" might help. Come up with a list of activities that you will try next time so that you are prepared.
Yes, you have been obsessed with that relationship, but you are slowly coming up with ways of letting it go. That is good.
What kinds of activities do you like to do that your friend would never have done? Those might be good things to focus on now. Give me a list of at least three. @RhysThe3rd
Today's entry :
I can't write much today. Ever since school ended i've been struggling with addictions far worse than usual. This exact scenario happened in the last semester and the semesters before it. I've been trying to go out more but found that once i got back home, i feel the energy sucked out of me and immediately succumbs to the addiction. It's really awful, like the moment i woke up in the morning my mind immediately latches on to it.
To be honest i don't really have much of a plan for "what if school is over?" I just go out everyday as if it never did. I tried to study; although the addiction is making it difficult; because other than that i feel like i don't have much to do. I went back to school even though i'm not scheduled to. The teachers seems suprised that i was even there.
Awhile ago i made a schedule for the weekends. This seemed to work until the list of activities ended at mid afternoon. I think one of the reasons as to why i'm so keen on studying and been drowning in my addictions is that i think of activities other than studying as a waste of time. I.e reading books, drawing stuff, cooking, learning german. I also lack the motivation to do those activities since i've been accustomed to studying so much.
I hate this because it does feel like i'm wasting precious time 😞.
I feel so worthless. Everyday i feels like i have to justify my existance. Who will want to have me? Just a stench of a human being. Pathetic. I feel so pathetic ( T-T). Why am i still alive?! I've been starving myself. No one seem to really cared. I wanted to hang myself so bad. Just anything to stop this pain ( T-T).
Stop. Take a deep breath. Go and get food. Eat even if you aren't hungry. Spiraling makes everything harder. You can do this. @RhysThe3rd
Deutsch zu lernen ist niemals etwas langweiliges oder etwas dass kein Zinn bringt.
I understand totally when there isn't school that other thoughts and feelings and addictions that you are trying to avoid start re-emerging. They are doing the same for me right now because I am not as busy due to the holiday. The day seems to stretch out in front of me with nothing specific to do (or at least not enough).
So what I am doing to manage? I am doing some baking, playing games with family, and reading more fiction again which I never do. I also get minimal amounts of course prep done.
You are already starting to come up with a schedule so you are heading in the right direction. The problem is that your brain keeps telling that such activity won't help and you won't enjoy it. Your brain is lying to you. Even doing something like playing chess online or looking up how to garden flowers, you are doing something much more worthy than the addiction.
Start laying it out so you set aside a very limited window late in the day for the stuff that you don't want to be doing.
Give me a list of the other stuff that you will do. @RhysThe3rd
To answer your question :
Here's the list of stuff that i've been wanting to do but never got the time for it :
- Review a popular restaurant in the city with my friends
- Make a functional personal website
- Make lots of video edits from my favourite music/movie scenes
- Spend time with my friend
- Find a soulmate
- Work on my traumas
That's pretty much all i could think of as of now.
My schedule (still in draft) :
7:00 am - eat breakfast
7:30 am - clean my room
8:00 am - water my plants
9:00 am - exercise
9:30 am - rest, study german
10:00 am - shower
10:20 am - wear clothes
10:35 am - do yoga
10:35 am - 9:00 pm - unknown/anarchy
- note* : might consider starting the day at 4:30 am. The reason i went for 7 is because it's hard to wake up that early on non-school days.
Special entry :
I just got this semester's report card. The result.. is fantastic! "You're passion for studying and to improve yourself is a source of inspiration for us all" -my homeroom teacher. That's the biggest respect i've ever received from a teacher nonetheless 😭. I also finally got into the top #10 in my class. My goal is achieved, i got my rightful place under the sun. God it felt so good! All of those lonely nights, sleep deprivation and breakdowns finally meant something.
But of course, it was never enough for my parents. I nearly laughed at how comical this all is. I got into the top #10, which will significantly increase my chance of getting an invitation letter from a university, and she said it wasn't enough!! I know what she meant by it, that i should continue to improve instead of bath in this momentary victory. But for once, couldn't they at least be proud at me? One of the reasons i did all of this is to make them proud :(.
Daily entry :
Today was.. hectic. I'm still struggling with my addiction and my yearnig for a meaningful connection becoming more and more apparent as i observe my behaviours. I'm still drafting my off-school schedule, hoping that during the moments of clarity i had enough time to finish it so i can finally work on improving myself.
Tomorrow is sunday, meaning that i can attend the weekly exercise in the city's park. I hope tomorrow went well, as i'm starting to crack down on stuff that's been bothering me.
Also just had a random idea. Do you notice how our mind-body relates a lot to a real life parliamentry monarchy system? Like the mind is the parliament, i'm the monarch and each individual part of the body is akin to the people. I used to think that when i'm depressed, i'm basically being a ruthless monarch towards my subjects. Like banning the "hopeful party", spreading self-hate propaganda, suppressing my feelings, enacting an isolationist foreign policy and attempting to make myself an autarky. But now, "the progressive, ambitious and hard working party" has been in rule for a long time. I wholeheartedly support it since it's the only one where i can suppress my negative thoughts and still progress in other aspects in my life.