Depression Daily check in Feb 2-3rd, 2021
Hello my wonderful people. I hope you are all doing well. I just want to say that I'm proud of you for everything. You have come so far and have so much farther to go! You deserve nothing but the best!
This week I want to do something a bit different. I want you to write whatever you are feeling. The good, the bad, the terrible, just anything.
I hope you have an amazing week full for blessings!
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I'm not feeling so great today. Not feeling horribly bad, but just not feeling all that good either. Ever since my partner and I decided to call it quits I've been feeling really off. We agreed to regroup and talk more about it later; the ball in in my court so I'll decide when I'm ready. Now feels too soon. I'm still feeling awful hurt and confused even thought I ultimately think it was the right decision to make right now.
I guess I have a hard time processing grief. I'm doing a decent enough job not blaming myself. I sometimes have straying thoughts but I try to dismiss them right away. This isn't a bad split. No one did anything wrong. I think the timing is off and due to the pandemic and not being able to see each other greatly puts us in weird spaces as we aren't really getting anything we need from each other due to the distance and our schedules not lining up so well. She's returned to therapy, and wasn't ready or comfortable to share her currently worries. I was only offered vague statements and that was okay. I know from knowing her that this pandemic has really made her foundation feel shaky and thus makes all aspects of her life more difficult to navigate. She's a super in control person and this is honestly my first time seeing her so uncertain. It must be really tough for her and I wish I could provide her comfortable, but I guess she wants to figure this out on her own, I can respect that!
With all that still and knowing she still cares about me, and I for her, none of this is consoling whatsoever. I sleep poorly because I keep having stress dreams, about either rude exchanges between the two of us in dreamscape or just random other things like getting lost while camping with my boss's son LOL.
I'm finding things to do alone, like redecorate my Animal Crossing island or hanging out with friends if time permits, but I just feel so Alone and heartbroken and no amount of leisure activity is helping. I'm trying to be kind and patient with myself, it's just frustrating. I don't want to be so sad, but I can't help it.
@doeji I'm sorry that you're struggling. Your feelings are valid. It's not easy coping with all the stress you've been facing these past few days.
@StarlitSky4762
Thank you. I'm doing my best to hang in there. I know these are just feelings that I need to feel and will get better with time, just at the moment they feel so much. Too much.
I fought the sort of anxious feeling I had yesterday when I ran into the tenant I'd assumed wasn't living here anymore and had been replaced by another person, and spent most of the day telling myself I didn't have to email the apartment manager about it just because the tenant had questioned me a lot when I said that the manager said she wasn't living there anymore.
To be fair what the manager had said before was "she's gone" so I guess its not horrible that I took that as what was implied. But damn it, I just sent the manager an email anyway to apologize for my assumption since the tenant is back from her gallbladder surgery and the other guy I thought was the new tenant is actually there to take care of her (and also keep up the apartment while she was gone, I guess).
I've just had too many experiences where old tenants either come back or refuse to leave the property after evictions and stuff, that I've become cautious because I'm the one expected to assist management since there isn't an actual manager on the property.
I actually tried to ignore the feeling and stall the email by doing other things. I did dishes and cleaned up a little before I checked my email for something else, then finally opened up a new email to compose and send an apology email to the manager for my error. I just feel a little bit silly.
@integrityblues I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. <3
@StarlitSky4762
Thank you.
@Goldcherry2113
I am almost crying as I type this . Absolutely fedup and exhausted with my life . See no hope of any improvement .
May be this is how my life is supposed to be . Full of pain , misery and struggle . I need to accept it . 😢😢😢😭😭
@calmsoulmeet I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad and hopeless. We are here for you as a community. Would you like to share more about what is making you feel that way?
@StarlitSky4762
Thank you so much .
As far as my case is concerned it's a really long and painful story . The past 5 years of my life have been painful and chaotic . I don't think I would be able to articulate myself .
Still thanks for your wishes and replying to my post . I genuinely appreciate it 🧡🧡🧡.
@calmsoulmeet Thank you for sharing your emotions with the community. Even if you're not able to fully explain, or even comprehend fully what happened in the last 5 years of your life, we are here for you, to support you as best as we can.
There are others here who are by your side, holding your had and rooting you on. I hope that the rest of your week has gone more smoothly. Don't keep it bottled up. Even if you don't think you can pour it out again, try. Keeping those thoughts running through your head just does more damage. @calmsoulmeet
@bestVase7265
Thanks. I have unfortunately bottled a lot of stuff . There is so much of anger and frustration inside me . It's like there is a constant tape of all these feelings running inside my head .
Exactly - spit it out here. We can take it. It doesn't have to make sense and you are right to be angry and frustrated. @calmsoulmeet
@bestVase7265
I do journal regularly . And vent here too at times . It seems like the bottled stuff is just way too much . There is a lot of unwanted baggage that I am carrying . Meds are there and therapy is there too . At this point nothing seems to be of much help .
That is because you are trying to unpack it all at once. Worry about the smaller pieces not the whole pie. You are doing lots of good work right now, even if you can't see it. Give yourself some credit for everything you try. @calmsoulmeet
@bestVase7265
I shall try to do so . :)
Trying is everything. @calmsoulmeet
I'm new here today but I've been feeling sad and lonely today. I don't feel much hope anymore and I'm praying that being here will help me. I feel misunderstood and isolated.
Sending peace. So many of us have been in your shoes. Feel free to share any time. @demersus
I don't even know where to start.
I'm turning 18 in about a month and I'm nervous about being an adult and having to choose what college to go to and what to study. I'm tired from the daily homework and applications...
I broke up with my boyfriend after 3 years about two months ago and I think he has a girlfriend now. I honestly wish him the best and don't want to be bitter, but I'm kind of hurt and feeling replaceable. I don't know how to accept that I am not the most important person in his life anymore.
I feel messed up, like nobody really cares about me. It's not like I don't reach out. I'm quite open about my depression and everyone just kind of says, "oh that sucks, I hope you find help soon". I want to believe I have friends but honestly, everything feels fake... I just don't enjoy things.
I'm stuck in a place where nothing is worth doing or enjoyable. I hate all my dreams... I know everyone says, "believe in your dreams and be happy" or whatnot but I literally built my whole dreams and future with my ex-boyfriend... and now that's all broken and confusing. I feel stupid, and I don't know if the rest of my life is going to be doing work and feeling alone. because if so, what even is the point?
I'm on social media and the internet a lot to distract myself despite the fact that the feeling is so temporary and fixes nothing. I just don't know how to enjoy life anymore, it all feels fake and pointless.
@lupea867 I am really sorry to hear that. You must have been through a lot.I've been through a break up before. It's something that takes time to move on from it. I wish you find someone who is understanding and support you. I feel you there, life and emotion are really complicated things to break down. Take care of yourself, ok? It seems like you could use to take a break. *hug*
@kdsyahirah
Aw, thanks! *hugs* I do need a break, and I need to start taking it easier on myself! It is difficult to start but I guess I should start somewhere
@lupea867 I'm rooting for ya 
Depression is really tough, especially now. Only those of us who go through it really understand that. It is also really challenging being 18 and imagining doing the whole college thing. But you can do this and being real and open is a great start. What do you do to fight the depression on a daily basis?@lupea867
@bestVase7265
Thank you Vase <3 I really appreciate it. There are definitely a lot of hard decisions I've been having to make lately and I get so scared I'm doing the wrong thing each time.
Fighting depression really depends on how much I am mentally able to do. Some days I can just get up, eat, and do whatever homework I can do to the bare minimum of an 80% in class. I meditate each day to try and shake off negative feelings, I listen to a lot of podcasts to keep myself distracted. I also like to draw, and I want to get back into reading but so many books are just so sad... I am currently reading a limited amount of children's books. What really helps is going outside and playing with my siblings or my dog. I also stress bake :). I am practicing dealing with triggers in a less emotional and angry way, but it is very difficult... on good days I can manage triggers well and float through the bad thoughts and push them away, and on bad days I really feel like punching someone and screaming.... Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting and wait for another day to pass by.
It is all extremely exhausting, especially with a pandemic. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job and trying a variety of different things. That is what works well for lots of people. Some of the things that you used to do stop working and you have to rotate.
As far as the college stuff goes, I actually work with college students and what I tell them constantly is that you cannot screw up. You can simply learn more about yourself and the direction that you are supposed to go. You can always switch things around if you don't feel comfortable with where you end up going or what you end up majoring in. It is a journey, not a permanent life choice. @lupea867
@bestVase7265
Yeah, ty :) <3 I feel like a lot of adults tell me that this is a choice that will dictate my life and I'm like.... eek.
Those adults could not be more wrong. @lupea867
I’m so tired. I’m tired of worrying, I’m tired of stressing, I’m tired of myself. I don’t want to be anybody else but at the same time I don’t wanna be me. I’ve been so worried about a speech that I have no control over when I’ll perform it even though it’s all done and edited and I know I’ll do fine because I’m good at public speaking but I keep finding myself opening it back over and asking my friend if it looks ok for the 100th time in the past hour. I keep stressing over the tiniest little things and I’m so sick of doing it. And I try so hard not to but nothing ever works. This week has just been so stressful overall I can’t wait for the weekend. Thanks for the check in and have a great day!! :)
@Rainbowphrog
Thank you for sharing Rainbow <3 It sounds like a really anxious and stressful time for you. I'm glad you believe in yourself and am confident everything will go well with your speech! Hope you have a relaxing weekend soon. I am rooting for you!
So how did the speech go?@Rainbowphrog
The speech went good I think. I ended up being the last one to go which was nerve wracking but I didn’t do so bad and my legs didn’t give out like last time so that’s good. I’ve been told I’m good at public speaking (although it doesn’t feel that way) and I guess it just comes natural but I over stress about public speaking and stuff like that too much.
Going last is always tough. I don't know if this helps, but everyone gets nervous speaking. I typically do public speaking for an hour or two every day. I still get nervous. Every time. After 20 years. @Rainbowphrog
Today is my first official week on meds for my depressions. Man I feel different. I have always been skeptical about antidepressants. I don't know why. Ignorance I guess. It has made a difference for me. Things that would aggravate me and bother me all day just doesn't. Alot of the self talk in my head has gone away. They haven't helped with the distance between me and my wife though. That is not their job so there is that. What the meds have done make me not care. Not numbe but I am not really bothered if she wants to give me attention or not. It has been different. I have started to make changes to make my life better though. Getting more sleep. Getting up early and starting my day. I am smiling alot more. But can see the distance between me and my wife. Who knows how this will all play out.
@politeSail5130 It's good to hear that you're taking small healthy habits. Keep that up. I hope that your distance between your wife and you will be shortened. I wish you all the the best wishes.
Glad to hear that you are doing a bit better. @politeSail5130
Hi, new here so I hope I am replying in the correct spot lol. I have been feeling very down and lonely lately. I just finished school (finally after dropping out and taking time off), so that’s a huge accomplishment that I am very proud of because I was at the top of my class in both of my degrees, English and Elementary Education. Despite this though, I came to the realization that I really do not want to be a teacher, at least at the elementary level. I did not enjoy getting my degree in education, but loved working towards my English degree. So now I feel like I’m supposed to be super happy right, but all I feel is stuck and alone because everyone is telling me that I should try out teaching and give it a few years. I hate that so much; I know that I don’t want to teach, and I constantly am told that I do. I haven’t talked to most of my friends or family in weeks and I just feel really alone where I’m at. I want to find a career with my English field and I aspire to earn my doctorate but I feel like I can’t move forward anymore, like I am cemented into the ground. On the brighter side, I have been spending more time with the people I have been in touch with, whether it’s through gaming or virtual movie nights. That’s brought me a ton of relief. I’ve also been outlining a few writing projects that I want to begin after going through a year long bout of writers block. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great week!
@iwishiwereanoak That must be hard for you to do something you're not passionate in. It's good to know you've been taking days off. I'm glad that you look up to the bright side despite everything that happened to you. I really admire that attitude. Keep that up. I wish people around you don't pressure you into taking teaching too. I could relate to that. I wish your days will be better too.
What would be the first step in going toward an English degree or finding something that is more focused on English and less on teaching? Think in little mini steps.@iwishiwereanoak
Honestly, I don't think I'm doing too well. I'll be 18 in a few months, and I know I'm not graduating high school on time. I have to get my I.D so I can get a job, but at the same time, I'm scared as hell, because I'm such an introverted person. I don't do very well talking to anyone outside of my friend circle, what am I gonna do when I get a job and I have to talk to strangers? I may as well be jobless for the rest of my life... I feel like me and my boyfriend aren't doing well, and I feel like my best friend doesn't need me anymore.. That story goes like this though: a few weeks ago, me n my brother had just gotten home from our dad's house. My best friend calls, says she's right down the road from us, she shows up, and ends up staying for a few days. Turns out, her grandma was being a b****, and my best friend just wanted out... She'd been dealing with that s*** for 7 years now, but anyways.She finally left and she's currently staying with her bf, her bf's aunt, and his cousin... But I just.... I've been looking for cheap places to rent, so once I get a job and stuff, I can move out after my birthday....
@understandingMelon5013 I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time to be in your new surrounding. I wish your days will turn out to be better. I wish all of your relationships could be mended soon. *hug* Thanks for sharing this with us.
(p/s: please use less of inappropriate words. I'm afraid that If it even was censored, we wouldn't want to create discomfort atmosphere around us. I hope my words aren't too harsh on you and I hope you take note.)
I am sorry that you are struggling. It is really hard when you focus on the big picture. Instead, just focus on the little daily steps. @understandingMelon5013