If I could write a letter to someone in the past, it would be to a 16 year old me. He has grown up in a toxic and abusive home and has already lost both parents to suicide, and is now officially alone. If I could I would write to that kid and would give him a few key points of advice.
First, I would tell that kid, that what he believes is false. That is, that he believes that he needs to appear strong and unaffected by all of the chaos and pain. He will spend many years trying to portray a tough exterior, and convince everyone that he is an unmovable rock. What I would tell him is that hiding the truth about the pain, the brokenness and the chaos inside of him, will eventually come back to hurt him.
Then I would tell him that the walls he is working so hard to build, to protect himself, will also become the walls that block out the very thing he is seeking; love. The walls that were built to shield himself from being hurt and affected by the world outside, would keep him from experiencing the love and the people who were just on the other side trying to reach him. Those walls will keep him alone and isolated.
Last, I would tell him that he needs to immediately rip off those labels he wears as his identity (though no one else can see them). After years in that abusive home, having the people who were supposed to love and care for him, told him day after day he was unlovable, unwanted, a failure, a mistake, etc, he has come to believe it. After years of being forced to apologize for being born, and being forced to stand in front of a mirror by his mother and naming off everything that was wrong with him, it is all he could identify himself with. Then after the suicide of not one, but both of his parents, he truly believed he was unlovable and unwanted by anyone. I would tell him that all of those labels are lies. I would tell him that there is no excuse for the abuse and the pain his parents caused him. Yet, I would reassure him, that they were wrong. I would ensure he knew that he was loved and his life is not a mistake.
Now with all of this being said, though this would be a letter to me at 16, I still need to be reminded of these things. I still need to be reminded that I am not a mistake, and that I am more than just the sum of the wrongs committed against me, as well as the wrongs I have made.