High Functioning: "You Look Way Too Put Together to be Crazy"
Hello Readers,
Today marks my fifth appointment in my newly acquainted journey to seek psychological wellness. In preparing for my day, which took each and every one of my spoons, I emerged showered, dressed, haired, and make-up-ed. A huge feat these days, I admit. My husband took one look at me and said,
"You look way too put together to be crazy. You should go in pajamas and slept on makeup."
This set off a light bulb in my mind in the way mental health presents itself visually in society. It's true, more often than not it is messy, however, what about the high-functioning mentally ill? What about those of us who advocate for ourselves and fight tooth and nail everyday to get out of bed and fight back through this hell? What about those who are somehow able to stand on two legs and hold a conversation for their children? What if a manic or mixed phase isn't necessarily euphoric and all-beautiful? What if depression gets dressed in the morning?
Discuss: What does manic depression look like? What have people assumed about you based on your appearance?
Additional Reading:
Psycheducation.org, Treating the Mood Spectrum, "Normal Is a Place I Visit" by Dr. Suzanne Fiala
"So yes. Im capable. Im talented. I work hard. I produce stuff. Yay me. But the price I pay for that is not being able to be anything else."
I don't have a bipolar disorder but unipolar depression, but being "high functioning" is definitely a mixed blessing. It can make it too easy not to get help when you need it.
It also leads to a lot of assumptions. I teach and was once at a faculty meeting where a few others mentioned seeing more students than usual who were struggling with mental illness. Afterwards I was talking to a colleague in my department who said he hadn't seen it, then said it's probably because "the flakes" don't take physics classes. The fact that I knew deep down he'd consider me a "flake" if he knew the truth about me helped me decide to take a job elsewhere.
@JBlue
spot on.....the appearance it's what it's all about. I deal with Depression, anxiety and panic attacks. But I could hold it together(most of the time) at work and I was in the medical field. Also, in that field, you dare not let anyone know what you struggle with, it's a sure way to be terminated(for some reason) At least it was where I worked and personally saw it happen to a few people. Also, if you have a back problem, they'll "ease you out" I found it to be a very tough profession when it comes to treating their own. I'm sure that's not the case everywhere, but I can only speak of what I personally observed.
Brian
@JBlue
So right, a blessing in that you think that you can hide it from people, a curse because you can hide it when you really need help, and that can be dangerous
I was once in a bipolar support group with a woman who kept telling me that I didn't seem sick. It was clear that she meant it as a compliment, that I was doing so well and was able to *seem* so together, but it still felt hurtful and invalidating. Just because I have a job and make ends meet doesn't mean I'm not sick. I don't have a *choice*, I have nobody to fall back on, no partner, no family - if I don't manage to pretend on the outside that I can keep it together, then I will end up homeless. It's bad enough to face that kind of stigma from outsiders or doctors, but from someone else with the same disease? That was a special kind of hurt.
@Wolfkin
Beautifully noted. Also, most people don't realize that periods of normalcy do exist in between episodes which can sometimes appear to others as a non-issue. This is why it is so important to give everyone we meet some grace. Pain is relative, and no one can know for sure the experience of someone else. 
Interestingly enough, I work in the field of mental health as a behavioral therapist and still feel that reluctance to share this with my co-workers because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. I study psychology in order to help others like me. While I don't think this would impact my professional life given the area of specialty, I still opt not to risk it and have only confided in one co-worker when he noticed changes in me having started my medication less than two weeks ago. People tend to pick up on neutrality very quickly. Especially when your personality is otherwise out-going. It has been a tough road in terms of determining what to share, and what to keep to myself. This is why I am so grateful we have these forums to seek sanctuary in.
Have a great day.
@blitheSun94
I don't dare disclose at work. I drive a school bus, and bipolar disorder is almost universally portrayed as violent and dangerous in the media. I can't stand the thought of one of my supervisors - or even one of the parents - getting wind of it and deciding that I can't do my job anymore. Stigma is so damaging.
That's interesting that you feel stigma at work too, even in the mental health field. I can understand it, though - you are "supposed" to be the ones who "have it together". One of my therapists deals with depression and anxiety, and personally I am glad that she told me about it (in a clinically appropriate way) because it lets me know that she actually does understand some of the things that are harder to articulate, and makes me more willing to try things she suggests because I know she has probably tried them herself and found them to be useful. But plenty of people could instead be like "I can't trust HER, she's just as weird as I am!", and that's a pretty big risk to take.
It is hard being the strong one when you hear music playing in your head or you have only slept four hours a night for the last 7 days. Or when all you want to do is leave the garage closed and the car running (no worries I am not suicidal). High performers hide reality from strangers so well that we seem normal (gee I hate that word). It is so tiring
I have struggled with severe depression and suicidal thoughts/behaviors for as long as I can remember. Two years ago a lot of acquaintances were shocked after I had made a near-fatal suicide attempt. They didn't "see it coming" because they said I had "looked Ok" the last time they saw me.
I think others, who do not personally battle the beast of depression, or have periods of deep, debilitating depression, fail to understand, and/or appreciate the tremendous amount of physical, mental, and emotional energy, effort, and exertion it takes a profoundly depressed person to just "put themselves together" enough to bravely face the general public.
Neighbors, individuals I worked with, people I attended church with, or others I ran into at the grocery store ONLY saw me when I was functioning at a high-enough level to wear a clean change of clothes (that somewhat matched), to run a comb or brush through my hair, and to dab on a little bit of make-up to disguise the dark circles under my eyes & at least make my cheeks appear rosy.
Because I live alone, have no family, or any close friends, no one saw me "marginally exist" in the same outfit a week or more at a time, go a week+ without a shower, or stagger through days without eating much of anything.
I don't fault others for "not getting" how much I struggled to just barely hang in there and "appear" somewhat sane, stable, & near normal. Every single bit of of my strength went into hanging on...& carrying on. I wasn't trying to "hide" how bad I actually was doing, or put on some false pretense to fool people. I was just doing my absolute best to look anything except how bad I felt about myself, and how hopeless I felt about my life.
In response to some of your other experiences & comments, I greatly empathize with the no-win, or "damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't" dilemma. If we are struggling with depression, but (to others) look good...then we really (from their vantage point) couldn't be feeling "that bad." However, if we look a bit unkempt, & our (physical) appearance isn't up to others comfort level (meaning it matches our dark blue mood), then others tend to say we are not even "trying," or working hard enough on our recovery.
If there was one thing I wish others understood about depression, is that it isn't just a "thought disorder." Depression has a mind and body component. It affects my energy level, my appetite, sleep patterns, memory, ability to concentrate, and engage. And, I can only do MY best to keep hanging on, and moving onward.
@caterpillargirl
I detect so much compassion in your beautiful message. Thank you for sharing.
I think you're absolutely right about the double-standard dilemma you described here. While living with this illness (and others) and walking through treatment is already taxing, it tends to be accompanied by an onslaught of opinions along the way. I have received both responses through love and support, and other simple minded individuals who thought I could "pray away the crazy", or simply defamed psychiatry in general due to their own experiences in this sector, or just a lack of capacity/understanding. I generally use what I'll call an opportunity to educate people with as much grace and patience as I can. After all, I can remember a time when I did not have the language to articulate myself or understand my symptoms, as this has only come to me recently. That being said, I also enjoyed reading that you do not fault others for this. I think it is also important to note any generational gaps in our peers that might make this communication EVEN MORE difficult. Times are changing in the face of mental health.
My favorite from you:
"I think others, who do not personally battle the beast of depression, or have periods of deep, debilitating depression, fail to understand, and/or appreciate the tremendous amount of physical, mental, and emotional energy, effort, and exertion it takes a profoundly depressed person to just "put themselves together" enough to bravely face the general public."
@blitheSun94
Thank you, blitheSun, for such a kind and thoughtful response to my post. I feel so misunderstood and alone in my battle with depression, and after reading your reply I felt validated and in the company of someone who understood (first hand) what it is to fight an ugly, outlandish beast who weighs you down, and kicks you until you are face down on the ground.
My heart felt heavy for you when I read about your experience of having someone (or numerous individuals) encourage, or instruct you to "pray your crazies away." I've had the same experience within Christian churches and communities, and it has damaged my relationship with those religious institutions.
Some Christian people refuse to acknowledge depression for what it is: a medical malady. The "church" (pastors & Christians who fill the pews), do not instruct individuals with diabetes to "just have more faith, & throw their insulin away." Nor do they instruct individuals with cataracts or other visual impairments to confess some "hidden" sin so they can then see better."
My faith & relationship with God have both have stood many a tests over time, (most coming from within the church), and thankfully my love for God has not only survived, but somehow gotten stronger...& thrived.
My relationships within the church, unfortunately, were casualties due to the bombardment of cruel, unloving, and insensitive comments and counsel. Many in the church "demonize" depression, and in the process, imply that the person who suffers from depression has somehow (by sinning, or failing to confess their sin), brought on their own sorrows and pain. And, that only adds insult to the injuries already inherent to depression.
I had been told by one pastor that I had two choices: 1. I could trust God, & in faith flush all my medications (anti-depressants included), down the toilet, or 2. choose to instead to put my faith and trust in drugs.
Like yourself, I have tried to educate others about the medical facts and findings as it relates to depression, and other mental-health issues and illnesses, but I have found some (not all) in faith communities/churches refuse to acknowledge depression as anything other than "drifting from God", and sin.
It saddens me that so often we who suffer with depression are condemned so much more so than comforted, and misunderstood more often than offered empathy and understanding.
blitheSun, I pray you are comforted tonight in knowing that somewhere out here...on planet Earth, you have a friend who does understand your battle with "the beast "...and your battle with a world of individuals who deny this beast even exists. Peace2U2night 😇
@braveKitten4951
YES, it is absolutely exhausting. This pertains to the article I shared above on high-functioning bi-polar disorder. It describes that while we can sometimes, somehow, maintain the up-keep of outward health/normalcy, it comes at a great cost in the way of being able to participate in other areas of our life. This sensation can make it so easy to be discouraged. I hope you are surrounded by love and support.
@blitheSun94
That is so very true. We can put on our face, but at what cost? I've gone two weeks without showering because being at work all day and putting on my game face had such high personal costs, energy-wise. To smile, interact, think...all draining what little energy I had....all gone
Being so careful comes with emotional costs too. I do not share that I am bipolar. I've often had to censor myself around co-workers. It's draining, and in some ways, it feels as if I have something to be ashamed of...but I don't. I just understand that society just wants to turn a blind eye
So, where does that leave us?
I am finding that high functioning is making me feel brain tired. I will come home and try to read a book, and it seems like my ability to focus is gone.
@braveKitten4951, I agree - not having concentration whatsoever is something I experience too.
@blitheSun94, it's a great question! I'm on the bipolar spectrum, probably having mixed episodes, but I'm still going through medical diagnosis. My mania wasn't really dangerous for me and the people around me - just pesky.
For me it looks like a hyper-version of myself. I'm transforming from introvert to extravert. I feel stronger and more confident, I think I am hilarious and admired by everyone. I have problems with resting, I want to constantly pace and talk. Silence is an enemy, so I often listen on headphones to loud music. I don't want to sleep, I lay awake in my bed with running thoughts. I also get this feeling of having my brain on fire, but it's hard to explain this properly. Often I get easily irritated and angry with simple things. I'm more sensitive and have no distance between myself and the world.
Awesome topic to share. Though my first attempt was age 14, I survived with no treatment thru a PhD, marriage and divorce, sole custody of 3 kids, and 20 yrs prof work before crashing. No one knew I had severe depression plus manic episodes throughout.
I survived first for my dogs, and then my kids.
Continuous suicidal ideation came in 2003. Finally sought help. Became disabled. Med allergies, hospitals, CBT, DBT, groups, docs who wouldn't believe me cause I "looked well." In 2005 called therapist and said I just wanted to kill myself. She said "No you don't." Rather than argue, I went ahead with the attempt. It is HORRIBLE that mental health profs do not believe their patients!
Got new good doc then. Kids grown and ignore me. Doc retiring so I am looking for a LISTENER who believes what I say and provides guidance.
Thank you all.
Me on the outside when the world criticizes me:
Me on the inside:
Except nobody sees that side of me until I take off my mask at home. My bosses don't know how it takes every ounce of my restraint to not walk out of my job on certain depressing days, when all I want is crawl into a hole or hide under my blankets and not show up to work. It's hard to keep up an image and keep my bipolar a secret at work.
blithesun94, JBlue,Brian737, bravekitten4951,wolfkin, caterpillar girl, celaeno, Stillheretoday,bitswt02 wow you all wrote every feeling, thought action problems I too have had,dealt with, and still have. The only thing is I haven't been able to put it in words,that describe it like all of you did. It actually helped me a lot to see what I am feeling. Thank you all so much for that. Before reading all your posts, it was to me like what's this I am doing,feeling, and why am I like this and where did this come from, people are going to treat me different, and they do, and the people at church, don't understand why it's so hard to function. My Pastor still don't get it. He said "these people are ready to love all over you." My reply was "the last thing I need right now is fake love." And you have no idea how hard it is to function. As you can tell I am not good with words, and you will not meet anyone more honest and blunt, than me. Thank you all so much for the posts, to put into words how dysfunctional bipolar disorder can be. Every time I tried to put it into words it was like, no can't put that it doesn't make sense. And it all became confusing and mumbo jumbo in my mind. I am glad there are people who understand. Thank you all so much for your posts.
@Werp2 I wrote notebooks full of stuff that now sounds like nonsense. Somehow, over a few years, I was able to make better sense of myself. Just through the act of writing, not the words themselves.
If you have difficulty talking or can't find an understanding person, writing may be helpful.
Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing. Hugs for the week.
@stillheretoday. Thank you for your encouragement. I have never liked writing, and maybe that's why, So yes I need to try it. Thank you and you take care as well.
@Werp2 when I couldn't express it I would cut out pictures from magazines, draw sketches, or just write down whatever came to mind. I used to get frustrated and rip up my writings, but then I realized whatever you do, just do it--as long as you can release the bad feelings and feel better after. Then the job is done!
I too have been on the verge of disability. I am glad you found comfort here.
@blitheSun94. Thank you for everything.
@Werp2
You're welcome. The first step to beneficial writing is to shed your inner critic. My favorite form of journalism is free association. You simply write whatever comes to mind as it comes to you. This does not have to be consecutive or even comprehensive. It's sort of a pouring out of the soul. I do this until I reach relief or clarity on what I'm feeling. It can be very healing and revealing. Highly recommended. :)
@blitheSun94 Starting To Write: Free writing, doodles, pictures are all great. Sometimes I would start with a question to myself like "what is bothering me right now?" Sometimes I would have a conversation with myself like "I am stupid." "No, I am not stupid. Why did I say I am stupid?" Maybe this goes on for a while until something pops up to explain my thought of being stupid, such as someone saying something (for real or misunderstood by my brain.) Doesn't solve everything right away but, over time, writing helped my brain think clearer. Hope this helps. Am sure others can supply more writing tips.
Writing, for me, gets things out of my head.
Some additional ideas for result oriented writing exercises.
30 Journaling Prompts for Self-Reflection and Self-Discovery
