Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Confession
Hello, I have agoraphobia due to social anxiety.
I developed this condition from the long commute (4~5 hours two way) I had to endure for years when I used to go to college.
As I live in Japan and my university was in Tokyo, I had to traverse Tokyo every time I had class. Tokyo is an extremely populated area and I am sure it's easy to understand how I developed agoraphobia.
Recently it has been a little better. I haven't healed quite completely yet.
I have managed to finish university (big relief), but I still have issues going outside.
Whenever I have something to do, I stall.
Going to get groceries? Stall for hours sitting in front of the computer because I'm scared.
Going to church? Forget it don't go, God won't send me to hell just because I didn't go to church.
I have a confession to make.
Even though my agoraphobia comes from how much I hate negative interactions I have with people (often people on trains are obnoxious, especially older men who like to go violent on younger girls. I've delt with people pushing me, getting angry at me, and even sexual harassment), lately I realised I am obnoxious as well.
Especially when I see middle aged or older men.
I hate them. I have to admit I hate them like a fat kid hates diets.
I try my best to avoid them like the black plague.
And I am extremely impatient with them.
Do I know that not all men are bad?
Ofcourse! I was raised by my father, who I would never call a bad man.
I have a few decent male friends, they would never be considered bad in my books.
Yet when it comes to strangers I have zero patience.
Honestly I hate all strangers. I want them to fuck off because they seem to be so...absentminded when they walk.
Or some of them are so adamant about not moving out of the way like some 5 year old monkey.
I only meet one or two civilized human beings out of...1 billion.
But lately I realised I am subconciously less generous to men.
Like today, some old man came out of an aisle and turned towards me. He wanted to pass by me and I did not want to move out of the way because this guy didn't look like he wanted to accomodate me. Like he wanted me to move first.
And I silently thought, "Bitch I am holding two big ass bags along with my plastic basket, get the hell outa my way!"
He didn't even flinch or show any movement to show he wanted to let me pass.
If I had seen him try, I would've tried too.
If he would've said excuse me, I definitely would've moved.
So I stood there, pretended to let him pass by moving my arm like...1 cm.
Which is totally not enough for him to go through but whatever I hate this guy.
So then he starts slowly inching along, at which point I start sighing angrily, slowly.
Then as he is about to finish inching, I tut loudly with my tongue and quickly moved towards the aisle he came out of, which was the aisle I needed to get into.
In my head I just thought, "I bet this guy bullies other younger girls too, just cause he thinks they're all weak. He's a piece of garbage. I don't need to be nice to this little shit."
Later on as I finished paying for my stuff, I saw the same old man.
He was with his old wife and young grandson. They looked quite happy.
And I wondered, "Gosh why was I so mean to this man? Maybe he isn't a bully? Maybe I could've let him pass? He doesn't really look like a bully now. He looks like a nice old grandpa."
I do this quite often.
I'm definitely not proud of myself.
Don't lecture me cause I know it's wrong.
If you need to say something to me, I need emotional comfort.
If somebody does have agoraphobia from social anxiety, or they met some rude person, maybe just think about how that person probably has the same issue and hates other people too. And that it's not your fault they treated you like garbage.
On behalf of some of the rude people you've met (not all, cause I'm sure some really are scumbag bullies), I am sorry.
@AntidoteTowardsTheDark I never understand what causes this problem w/people? So you stay in your house basically 24/7? I am deadly afraid of planes/heights, but I know the worst thing that could happen is me having a seizure or falling (I have a minor case of epilepsy), so I deal w/the planes and heights when I have to. Don't you ever want to do things .. have a life .. friends .. go places .. a family? Nobody is going to hurt you. Who hurt you? I am not criticizing you at all. Everyone has an issue to overcome. I am seriously deadly afraid of heights and airplanes, but I have had to deal w/both. I had to go to Mexico in 2015 all the way from the midwest, so I took 7 planes back and forth! Then, in Mexico, the roads are not straight! They have mountains and hills that a regular car cannot drive on, I mean you need traction on those tires and a good suspension! Those hills scared the crap outta me going so high and vertical .. I did have a few blackouts! So .. I understand you, but in a different way. You can overcome these fears though.
@AntidoteTowardsTheDark I think the anger is due to frustration, when you are out you dont want to be there, you want to go quickly and get home and so when things are going slowly, people in your way or the shopping line moving too slowly it can be frustrating and frustration is a very similar emotion to anger, the frustration comes mainly from stress of not being in control. You have to stand there and wait and you relaly dont want to so it is out of your control which is frustrating. Anxiety does cause frstration commonly as anxiety disorders require a lot of control. Fear makes us need to do things our own ways, for example a trip to town may mean that you plan which bus, which time, how many stops to the town, how long the journey should take and if for any reason the bus stops or traffic slows the journey down it can cause anxiety for lack of control, if this makes sense? people cause so much inconvience lol.
@sunshineKitty58
Right.
So let me get this straight, you are saying my behaviour is...normal?
I don't know. I hate rude people and when I see myself turning into one it aggrevates me.
I just remembered...
I was walking in Hong Kong, in this shopping center.
This guy stepped off an escalator and was walking towards me.
I wanted to go to the escalator behind him but he was in my way.
He would keep walking towards me and I looked up
I stared angrily into his eyes and you know what he did?
He smiled.
He kept smiling as he walked towards me.
So I had no choice but to avoid him.
I felt like such a loser.
He just kept smiling.
I keep thinking about experiences like this and it makes me even more bitter about going outside.
It makes me bitter towards complete strangers who I don't even know.
I guess you're right, that when you have anxiety you require a lot of control.
I've started to realise that recently.
But I wish I could be who I was when I was younger, who didn't think too hard.
Who didn't think about every step that I need to take when I go outside.
I write a list when I go to the super market because I get so anxious I can't think or remember what I needed.
I make sure to know where I can be alone and rest whenever I go outside so if my heart starts pounding like crazy, I can pull myself together.
It's insane! This isn't normal.
And then I get upset about being rude.
And I think about how the people who I was rude to probably didn't even give a shit about why I was rude.
And I'm alone.
Like a loser.
You know?
I'm so tired of being me.
@AntidoteTowardsTheDark
I understand, I have a friend with agoraphobia and have a milder social anxiety myself. From the sound of it your commute involving such rude creeps is worse than what I'd ever faced in Canada. In my case depression was for a long while a part of it causing such a low energy level that I feared visiting people because as an introvert that sort of thing drains me faster so I would have been tired and totally useless the following day or so.
I'm wondering if taking self-defence course may make you feel less afraid by being more prepared in case a violent person tries to bully you. The courses can be fun even if you're not exactly comfortable immediately with the group that's there. Some are very short and only take one weekend for a brief but thorough instruction and some of them designed specifically for women or all gender inclusive. Definitely not about man hating or becoming intimidating. There's often an element of self-confidence boost if the course instructor is a good one. The sorter courses sometimes offere sliding scale payment for those on a tight budget too.
@CoinFountain
Thank you for your empathetic and kind response.
You have a friend who has agoraphobia? I finally found another person who has agoraphobia! 
(Which isn't good but...sorry I must admit I felt a slight sense of relief)
Yea I did think about taking some sort of self defense course or martial arts class but I'm scared I'm going to be so confident I start picking fights with everybody that pisses me off. And let's be honest, I'm not going to win everytime I challenge somebody.
Oh well.
Let's hope we all somehow find a way to manage our mental issues.
@AntidoteTowardsTheDark
You're welcome. Yup I know someone who has agorophobia so bad the only time they leave home is for stuff that can't be done at home like seeing a doctor that doesn't make house calls.
Self-defence doesn't encourage picking fights so you don't need to worry about getting encouraged to use violence when it's not absolutely necessary at least. A lot of them teach self-discipline with the longer duration courses.