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Sorry, I know I post too many sad posts on this website. I'm just a generally sad person.
There was a rude bus driver that said mean things to me for no reason, because at the time I was carrying a suit case with some of my luggage (as I was moving from my dorm to my apartment). He would yell, "Hurry the fuck up bitch!"
Now I usually ignore these comments but...lately I've been wanting to be stronger. I felt like....every time I don't fight back I am weak.
Which is weird. I used to think that staying silent and ignoring them was the smart and strong thing to do.
Like, you don't engage a monkey if it's acting like one, because you are a human.
But for some reason I couldn't let it go.
And guess what came out of my mouth.
A silent croak, me struggling to speak up to say "Shut up" but the only thing that came out was "Sh...rk....."
That is THE saddest shit I have ever experienced and I am so ashamed. I want to kill myself.
Like honestly if I were to argue with this guy, why couldn't I speak the fuck up?
And it wasn't like this guy is that much smarter than me, that's why he's middle aged, balding, and still a bus driver, while I've graduated from a prestigious college.
But no, I wasn't confident. It probably didn't help that I wasn't too familiar with the local language where this happened.
Even though I should be, really. Because half of my family is from that country and I can sort of speak their language.
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There was a guy in a shopping mall.
We were both walking but in a way that, if we kept walking we would've bumped into each other.
He was walking from my right, and I wanted to walk straight across.
And he decided to not walk behind me, but instead in front of me.
I felt so disrespected.
Why didn't I say anything?
Why does this even bother me?
Who even gives a shit?
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There was a guy at the pet store.
I was looking around.
I felt like his vibes were kinda weird, but I didn't want to be so "weak" as to not be able to choose where I look at just because some guy has weird vibes.
What I wanted to check out happened to be in the same aisle where he was at.
And guess what happened?
As soon as I stand near the pet collars that I wanted to look at, he starts walking towards me with these....offensive? big, challenging eyes, just staring down at me in a threatning way, as if he wanted a fight.
I was wearing a big leather jacket and had my hair dyed so, since I'm a Japanese living in Japan, from the Japanese perspective I honestly looked somewhat intimidating at the time (even though I'm not, I'm the nicest person on earth, no joke. I'm a little too nice actually and that's one thing I hate about myself). So once I sensed him walking towards me, I turned around and looked at his face (because I didn't want him shoulder checking me or whatever, that would piss me off even more). He flinched when I looked into his face, but he didn't stop walking.
I didn't want no fight so I walked away.
But you know, I honestly felt like a pussy.
I wish I could've just beat him the fuck up.
But I didn't.
(Yet if I knew he had weird vibes, why didn't I just avoid him? Doesn't it say that he's crazy in some way?
I couldn't allow myself to be a pussy.
Why can't I allow myself to be a pussy?
I don't know. I just know that I'd hate it and I'd want to murder myself for being weak)
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Conclusion:
I just really hate my pussy ass self, I'm not kidding.
I loose sleep over this garbage and I can't tell anybody cause nobody empathizes with my feelings.
I'm abnormal. Nobody even wants to comfort me, and it's not even realistic to ask anybody to comfort me.
Why should I even make friends?
Why do I even write here?
Who's going to help me feel better?
Why should I ask for help when others want help too?
Everytime I ask for advice people tell me, "Why don't you say something? Why don't you do something?"
Bitch I tried! Look at what happened in the end!
So are you going to label me as weak now? What are you going to tell me now?
I hate this world that I was born into.
There is no winning.