Okay, One Last Try
Hi all,
I dont really know how these things work because Ive never actually tried asking for help on a forum before. Usually I just lurk and try to find relevant advice, but this is my last shot at figuring something out.
Im 26, nearly 27. I am unemployed. Friendless. Overweight. I suffer from severe anxiety. I have a debilitating skin disease that makes being intimate with women nearly impossible. Even when I do manage it, Im not well-endowed and our culture is pretty messed up about that. I suppose Im pretty good looking and fairly intelligent. When I was in shape and working for Disney I didnt have much trouble dating. But thats not what this is about.
Firstly, Im not suffering from depression, so please dont assume this and write me off. Secondly, I refuse anxiety medication for several reasons, one of which being the inability to pay for it. Thirdly, Ive tried psychotherapy 4 times for extended periods, it is ineffective. Yall are my only hope and I dont even know what I expect.
Heres my problem: anxiety literally keeps me from living my life. I cannot function as a driver in anything but mild traffic. I have cognitive issues with work that makes me seem developmentally disabled despite having an above average IQ (124 tested). I lie awake with death anxiety at night. I cant have romantic relationships because my anxiety makes me think something is wrong and I run people off (even if they see through my medical issues). I cant handle loud noises for extended periods of time. Repetitive noises (like telephones). Or loud people. Im an INFJ/INFP if you put any stock in that, I think its useful for some generalizations. I have zero career ambition, probably due to fear and functional incompetence (not a put down, I mean it. Someone can tell me to press a blue button, my processes will panic and press the green one instead. I have no control over this). I have trouble performing simple tasks like locating physical addresses and properly analyzing road rules.
I live with my parents and they are fully content with me living here forever doing nothing but house chores. They are wealthy enough that I really wouldnt need to worry about much ever in my life, but they raised me to be uncomfortable with charity. So Im suffering in my own luxury. They didnt get where they are in a traditional way, so they have no advice for me. They obviously want me to have a life, but finally understand the scope of my mental illness and that it prevents me from doing so. If I channel rage, I can sometimes force myself through difficult tasks like driving in busy cities and performing high stress job functions, but inevitably they end in true stress migraines (Not headaches. Stress migraines are entirely disabling and in my case require shots to counteract them).
I have a college education (Bachelors in Business Admin so its like I never even went) and no debt. I literally have a dream life for some but I am unable to utilize it. Ive been given the greatest curse of all: mediocrity. Im not intelligent enough to be an industry leader, but Im too intelligent to be anything less. Im too anxiety ridden to perform even the simplest tasks, but have a desire to maximize my potential. True love is my only passion, but I cannot find it because of my medical/genetic issues. I have a college education but cannot apply it. Im debt free but cannot buy anything. My life is a great and terrible cosmic joke. I think I must have had a no good, dirty rotten, pig stealing, great great grandfather or something.
Now, I realize I must sound like a complete dickhead. But honestly Im just frustrated. Im actually a pretty sensitive and empathetic person but I needed to vent. I realize that the obvious answer to my dilemma is acquiring a career that fits my conditions. I.e. little to no contact with others, low stress, autonomous, etc. But the issue is that Im trapped in a small town with no job or education opportunities. Also, I have zero drive to see anything through. Therapists are incapable of helping me because I see through their techniques. Perhaps a psychiatrist or a psychologist with extensive experience could help me in some way, but I cant afford them. Ive tried nearly everything and I just honestly hate it all. I dont see the point in struggling through maybe 72-79 years to just die anyway. Everything is completely and totally meaningless. And I know thats why life has meaning. Its a paradox. I just dont know what to do from here. Cant move. Cant work. Cant file for disability. Cant live off my parents. Cant find love here. Cant do even the SIMPLEST tasks and nobody understands why. Cant...be happy. Ever.
If any of you choose to read this all the way. Thank you so much. I know humans are naturally self-absorbed and will skim it at best. Im sorry for the whining, but people cant understand the significance of my anxiety, or the sheer overwhelming force of it. Im losing the fight against life, mostly because I cant even live it. I apologize for the length. If you have any advice at all on how to find a career that suits me with zero city resources and assuming Ive tried every online resource, please be my guest and talk to me. Thanks again.
TL;DR: Unusually debilitating anxiety. No meds possible. Tried therapy. Charmed life. Unable to live it. Intimacy issues. Medical issues. Not disability eligible. True love goal. Impossible. Small town. No resources. Live with parents. Jobless. 27. Friendless. Overweight. Dateless. Whiny. Moving/driving ability limited. Intelligent barely. Functionally disabled. Please help. Last shot.
Hey, @TheHammaOnU.
I'm glad you got this out of your system. Based on the severe anxiety you experiencing, it must've been harder to do than it might seem. I understand that you live a privileged life by some people's standards but I also understand that you're not in the best place despite it. It doesn't come off as whining. You're just reaching out for help. I'm really sorry that life feels agonizing for you to go through. :(
I'm interested to know more about what you mean when you said life is both meaningless and meaningful, though. I didn't see how you got from that point A to B.
I'm not experienced with the severity of the issues you're dealing with (I'm just another member looking for help with some issues too) and I don't know if I have any good advice for your situation but if I could help, I'd like to.
I wanted to ask if there's anything at all that you enjoy? If there is, perhaps we can work from there? How do you feel about self-love? Also, how does online jobs and courses sound to you? And in terms of clinical help, I was wondering what that looks like ideally to you?
Ah, I'm sorry if I sound like one of your old therapists! /sweats
Life can only be meaningful in the event that there is no meaning. It is a paradox much like movie time travel. For example, I do not believe in any after life or reincarnation beyond the fact that my atoms will rejoin the earth via chemical reactions and become part of something else. In that way, we are all immortal.
Now, because I believe in nothing, life is bleak, finite, and pointless. But, the only time Ill ever spend awake is when Im not sleeping during these (hopefully 72-79 years). Because of this limited resource, any time that I spend unhappy takes away from my lifes meaning. Each hour of breath becomes that much more powerful.
As for enjoying things, sure, I have hobbies and they entertain me, but they do not fulfill my inner need for meaning. As far as online school, thats how I obtained my bachelors. Ive searched through dozens of countless programs only to see that there is nothing I care enough to obtain debt for.
As for an ideal clinical experience, Id like to have someone clearly more intelligent than myself. As psychologists and psychiatrists are Doctors, PHD and MD respectively, that leads me to believe theyd been able to really apply their clinical concepts effectively.
I practice self-love daily. Self-hypnosis, meditation, breathing exercises. I use strengths statements where I simply talk about the thing Im good at with myself.
Im afraid the reality of my circumstance is filled with road blocks. Im faced with one difficult choice. Either I obtain some debt and force myself through a relatively useful trade school, effectively being miserable short term in an effort to obtain insurance and anxiety medication, and long term happiness by finding love as by-product of general success. Or, I continue down the path that Im on in relative comfort and ease, hating myself and wasting the meaning of my life.
You dont sound like my therapists. You reached out to me with nothing but altruistic intention. They just talked for my money. That clearly sets you apart from them among other things. I genuinely appreciate the effort. Ultimately, though, like with everyone else, my happiness is on me and I must make the hard decisions when nobody else can. @thryth
Ah, I see what you mean about meaning in life! Nihilism can be both empowering and debilitating, but I'm glad it makes you want to make the most out of things. It's also great to hear that you're practising healthy mental exercises. I hope they were able to bring you some peace.
I had wondered initially if your hobbies could be something you could profit out of or if online jobs like data entry or courses (at least, the free ones) might not as daunting an option for you. I realise these may not be the kind of thing you're currently looking for, though.
I agree that you hold the greatest power here to bring change to your life, @TheHammaOnU and I really respect you for acknowledging that. I don't think that's an easy thing to digest. I do hope that this community can give you some support to make it easier to go through these tough decisions.
I worry that you might be looking too far into your next steps. We can't predict everything and I wouldn't want you to finally decide on something but then end up feeling defeated again when an unexpected roadblock comes your way. Maybe it suffices to attempt something and see how that changes things for you?
Thanks for trying to help me out. Tonight, I failed pretty hard at something and Im just angry. I decided, after several aptitude and personality tests, to try my hand at learning to code. As I can do that from home. So I signed up for a free online course and applied to a coding Bootcamp. I passed the free online course from the Bootcamp with flying colors and they offered me an interview. All I had to do was pass the schools entrance exam. The exam was based on material from the free course. And I bombed entirely. Apparently, I struggle with applying concepts and knowledge to real world problems. Thereby making all of this introductory coding knowledge in my head absolutely worthless.
Ive hit rock bottom Im afraid. I dont know what that means for me, but Im entirely out of hope and energy. I dont know why Im even typing this. I guess its somehow better than feeling this way alone. I give up. I dont want to, but I simply have no course of action to take anymore. Ive tried everything.
When I was a kid all I wanted was to be Spider-man. He was this normal kid, brilliant, but just average everywhere else. And something amazing happened to him. He was given gifts. But, even though he had them, he was still a regular kid. He wasnt overpowered like Superman or wealthy like Batman. He wasnt a soldier or a God. He was just Peter Parker. I liked that. He almost died time and time again saving people that couldnt care less about him. He just did it because it was right.
That might be weird of me to say, but being older now, realizing Ill never even be anything close to a Spider-man, or even a regular kid, makes me feel incredibly empty. I have no gifts. I have no talents. I have intelligence that I cannot use. Im less than normal. Im a burden on my family.
Thanks again for the the really awesome replies. If more people were like you Id imagine we would need Spider-man at all. @thryth
Hey, @TheHammaOnU. I'm so sorry I couldn't reply sooner to your last post! The whole thing with entrance exam sounds incredibly frustrating! You were so close! You were almost there! I'm so sorry it didn't work out.
In your defense, though, it must have been difficult to figure out how to deal with application problems when you've had minimal exposure to real-world problems to begin with. I'm not a pro programmer myself, but I did learn coding and I can't imagine that jump from exercises to applications to have been anything close to easy. On the other hand, it's really commendable that you were able to pick up coding by yourself, pass the course and even get one foot in for an interview!
It's okay if you're not up for trying again. It's okay if you need to take some time. I can only imagine how infuriating and upsetting it must feel to keep arriving at dead ends. We can just lie here and go through your thoughts together. You are not alone.
It's not at all weird to feel that way about a childhood dream. I think most of us are still holding on to something similar. It may change form as we grow older, but it's essentially the same thing if we look deeper, isn't it? A little love, recognition, acceptance, purpose, and/or self-worth? Isn't that normal?
You don't need to have or be anything more to be here. You are enough. You are worth saving.
We all need a little help. We all need each other to lean onto for support. I'm so glad you're here trying to find help for yourself. Perhaps there's something we haven't tried yet? Maybe we can think of a different plan when you're ready?
How have you been lately? What's passing through your mind right now?
@TheHammaOnU
I've been a professional programmer for a long time, and one thing that I've seen is that the only way to learn to program is to write programs. Everybody learns differently -- some learn best in a classroom, some learn best from reading, and some learn best by reading the user's manual. A few learn from bootcamps, but not all that many. But nobody learns to program without writing programs. Pick a simple problem -- maybe a game, or something that tells you when to feed your cat, or manage a blog, or whatever. Write the program. Every time you get stuck -- which will be every minute or two when you're starting out -- just search for a solution.
It's also possible that you didn't click with the course, or the language. Check out more than one language; the best for learning are Python, Ruby, and Javascript. Java is okay as a second or third language, but it's a terrible place to start. Search for "python tutorial" (or whichever language you want). You'll find more than one.
And have fun.
@TheHammaOnU
You have no idea how much your post touched my heart and resonated with me. And it breaks my heart to read those words that you are losing the fight against your life. I cried! You sound like such an amazing person and you deserve the best that you can give yourself.
I am going to share quickly about myself. I am a 40 y/o woman who never graduated high school, never got my license, I have no friends (but have made at least one friend here), am overweight, have lived with my folks my whole life, and have no real job experience. I have lived my whole life in fear and have nothing to show for it. I was doing work as a proofreader/test-solver for a company that puts out word seeks and other puzzles, but in March I could not handle it anymore. I was miserable. I put myself in a mental hell checking everything over and over, so worried I was going to let a mistake pass. All that mental hell for something that paid practically nothing. I have found online work doing what I guess you would call crowdsourcing, but it doesn't pay anywhere near what I would need to support myself. The only experience with a relationship is an online one. One in which I was never able to talk to the guy face-to-face. He always had an excuse. It has been 3 weeks today since he last texted me and am slowly coming to the conclusion that it may have all been a lie. I felt like being in love with him gave me a purpose, gave me strength and courage, it made me happy, so I understand what you are saying about love. So now I am feeling more alone than ever terrified of what my future holds. Who is going to want someone like me? I am terrified I will be alone!
I admit I am scared to post all this about myself. Being teased as a kid has affected me and has made me scared to put myself out there and to be judged. But after reading your post, I decided to. I only hope that you will see this and know that you HAVE accomplished something. You have touched my heart, and have made me feel less alone in knowing that someone else out there can understand some of what I'm going through. So I really hope you are ok, that you read this, and that you don't give up on yourself, because you deserve better than that.
Hey, @GhostGirl44.
Trust me when I say I didn't want to make you cry! And, while it is awesome to have validation by relating with someone else, I truly wish that you did not have this in common with me. This odd, sort of cursed existence, is not something I would wish on anyone. To rot in the comfort of home. It is especially horrible.
I am so sorry that your life hasn't been all you wanted it to be. I wish there was something I could do to help.
This man you mentioned seems shady for sure, as you already seem to know.
"Who would ever want someone like me?" Broke my heart. I relate. But maybe, it's not too late for either of us. My mom always says that "it's never too late for your happy ever after." I'm not one for fairy tales, but I believe in the human spirit. We could diet. We could work out every daily, baby steps. You could get your GED (you write well and seem articulate!). There are so many options for online work! I believe in you. Even if you don't believe in yourself right now.
I create many of my problems. I make bad choices. I languish in my own misery because climbing out would be so hard. I fear social embarrassment despite knowing that most people around me are not worth caring about. The empaths like us, we suffer from dreaming about an idealistic world that will never exist. So, then it becomes our responsibility to somehow make it as close as possible. I've decided to start working seasonally in remote locations, resorts mostly. In Montana, Alaska, Utah. Entry level retail, cooking, manual labor. Anything. Then when I'm not there I'll live at home. Pitch in.
Maybe the work, my connection with the natural world in remote country, and the lack of people will ease my anxiety and help me get into shape. I wish this for you as well. I want to know that you'll be okay because I need to know that I will be.
I think we have the power to create something different and beautiful. While it is a lie that there's someone out there for everyone. I truly believe there are many potential someones for most people.
Thanks for your kind words. I wish you the best.
@TheHammaOnU
Thank you for your kind words as well. I know you didn't mean to make me cry any more than I meant to break your heart with what I said. Reading your story just touched my heart cause I can relate to certain aspects. And I agree with what you said about love. I know a lot of people say you have to love yourself first, but the thought of having that special someone that gets you like no one else, and is there for you no matter what, someone to give you strength and courage, someone to spend your life with sounds like an amazing thing. I never realized how much I wanted it until I fell in love (or what I thought was love). It felt like it gave me a purpose.
Thank you for having the courage to share your story, and I wish you all the best as well. May you find your happiness and your soulmate. 
