GhostGirl44 Member Profile

...See more I've shared some of my situation with a few listeners and when replying on another thread but wanted to share my story here. I don't know if there is anyone who can relate to my unique situation. I don't want to share all the details here, but will give a general summary. I am a 40 y/o woman who has never dated or socialized with guys, (except for on a site where you play games). I have a lot of insecurities and never wanted to put myself out there. I was teased as a kid about my weight so that probably has something to do with it. I am pretty much a loner, I don't have any friends. But have to say that I am meeting some pretty nice people here. :) Last year I met a guy online on a site called Pogo (its a place where people play different games such as cribbage, dominoes, Scrabble, ect.). He said all the right things and made me feel comfortable. I shared all my insecurities and flaws with him and he didn't seem to mind, he said he liked my honesty and the fact that I didn't hide who I was. I fell for him pretty quickly (2 weeks after meeting him I told him I loved him, with him saying it before me). Now I know anyone reading this will probably see me as incredibly gullible and naive and I would have to agree with you. I never met him. We live on opposite sides of the country. He only shared 1 picture of himself with me, and it was one where he wasn't even looking at the camera (kind of a side view), so I never had the chance to look into his eyes. I was foolish and gave him a lot of trust. Any time that I asked for another pic where I could see his eyes, or to be able to talk to him on camera so I could officially meet him, it was met with different answers. He would say soon, or that he was unable to, that he was shy, and most recently he had said he didn't want to talk on camera because it was like I was trying to force or guilt him into it. That is not something I had wanted to do. I had wanted him to do it because he loves me and HE wanted to, but it never happened. I wanted to believe he loved me. I wanted to believe that there was actually someone out there who could love me for me with all my flaws. In fact, one reason I fell for him is he said I deserved to be loved and to experience love. What I am struggling with right now is I may never know if he really loved me. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since we last communicated, though a few days after we last texted he called my phone but I never got to talk to him (have no idea what that was about). The longest he had gone without contacting me was about a week. He's very busy and I get that, just seems like such a long time. We mainly talked by texting or Facebook messenger, my only ways to contact him. Anytime I called him I would leave a voicemail, he never answered his phone. I just want to add here that I have heard his voice, we had a few conversations through FB messenger where I could hear his voice, and there were times he would leave voice messages on there. There were so many times I had wanted to have conversations with him on the phone, more meaningful ones, and I never got that chance. He has not been on FB. And with that I worry something has happened to him, but then I think maybe that account didn't mean anything to him (fake) and he left it behind so he never has to deal with me again. I just don't know what happened, and am struggling with the fact I may never know. I don't know if he is hurt or worse, I don't know if he is just super busy or is having phone issues (had told me he was before) or if he never had feelings for me at all and decided to move on, if he lied about who he is (Anybody seen the MTV show Catfish?) My emotions have been all over the place and sometimes I just feel numb. What if he did love me and something happened, or I made him so miserable that he did something to himself? What if this was all a lie? I get angry because I trusted him and he knew I was scared of getting hurt, especially having never been in a relationship before and the thought that he knew that and possibly lied to me knowing that I would eventually be hurt when he left makes me so angry. Then those emotions turn to guilt thiking maybe he does/did love me but something happened to him. I just don't know!! And I feel so bad because right now I don't know what I am feeling towards him, I don't know what the right emotions to have are because I don't have a clue what's going on!! I feel a disconnect from him and with that I feel like I am betraying him and hurting him, it's only been 3 weeks. I'm questioning what we really had, if anything. I feel by sharing my fears and thoughts with others its a betrayal to him because maybe it is as simple as he is busy and everything is fine. I just don't know!! And I am having a hard time with the fact that I fell in love, (and now I am even questioning that) something so many people get to experience, and I didn't experince it fully with him. The very basic things that a couple can share: looking into each other's eyes, holding hands, feeling his arms around me, I never got that and it breaks my heart. Even the most basic thing of seeing him and talking to him I never got. Then I think maybe I deserve this broken heart for being so foolish. How do I move on from these feelings, the rollercoaster of emotions in dealing with the fact that I may never know what happened to him?

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