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TheHammaOnU
1,751 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts162 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes27 Current upvotes27 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2020 Member sinceMarch 20, 2019
Recent forum posts
A Time You were Strong/Proudest Moment
Depression Support / by TheHammaOnU
Last post
 October 16th, 2019
...See more If you're up to sharing, tell us about a time you were emotionally sturdy/strong in the face of adversity, even if you no longer feel it... Mine: Once, I was strong. My father was serving in Iraq and I was 15 years old. We lived in Northern New York at the Time (my mother and I). It was the dead of winter and we didn't own a snowblower. I was attending a new school about ten times the size of my previous one and we lived in town, which meant we had an obligation to keep the sidewalks clean. I wasn't doing so great at the new school with friends, in fact, I was often relentlessly tormented. My mom was going through a lot, so I couldn't bring my issues home and each morning, because of that damned lack of snowblower, I was shoveling through feet of lake effect snow. It was before the sun was up, it was before my long day of torment, and it was always alone. Yet, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to shovel that sidewalk clean, deal with those bullies, and make sure my mom did alright. I did it every morning without complaint. I grew muscle. I sharpened my mind in the cold. I regulated my body through exercise, and I listened to my favorite music. Every morning, that sidewalk was clean and I was off to school smiling. It didn't matter if I felt happy or not. I was in control. Why? I had a threat. I had a reason to fight the things lesser than myself for the sake of the things bigger than myself. And it is the proudest I have ever been of who I am. What about you guys? What are some moments of strength you remember? When is the last time you felt strong? Do you now?
Anxiety Regarding Career (or lack thereof)
Anxiety Support / by TheHammaOnU
Last post
 March 7th, 2020
...See more Okay, so I'll just go right at this. I'm 27 and jobless. I live at home. I'm not lazy when I'm working, but I am right now. Here's the general backstory for my career: Worked mostly retail. Received full-ride for Bachelor's degree. I foolishly went into Business Administration and didn't specialize in anything or even give any effort to develop marketable skills. I sort of knew, even back then, that I hated business. However, I let everyone sway me to general business because "you can do so much with a general business degree." Now, as an adult, I realize these are my choices and there's no changing them. I'm grateful for the opportunity afforded me despite the lack of career I have now. So, please understand that I do have perspective and self-awareness regarding this. Moving on, I am pretty intelligent. I know a lot of people say things like this for attention or simply because nobody thinks they're unintelligent. I took a Mensa test and came in at 124. Not hyper-intelligent, but still well above average. As far as IQ really measures cognitive ability anyway. Point is, I have virtually any career open to me on a purely academic basis. Here's my dilemma. I'm surrounded by resources (my parents, my intelligence, no debt, no bills, etc), yet I am petrified by my anxiety. I'm seeing a therapist in order to fight this great barrier to my happiness, but I find that it is ineffective. She believes I may need medication. However, even knowing the benefits, I'm well aware of the negative side effects. My family members have been on anxiety medication and it turned them into couch zombies. All of that aside, I know what I want in a career. I'm motivated by traveling careers with a positive impact on my immediate surroundings (i.e. geologist, traveling NP, cruise ship worker, etc.). I'm a pretty typical INFJ-T as far as any of that MBTI stuff is useful. My major issue is that I'm not sure I can deal with the anxiety of acquiring debt. Right now my whole life is open. It's a blank slate that I'm terrified of painting on. I feel very much like the story of the Fig Tree from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I am watching my limited time on this earth rot away. I worry about my parent's deaths, my own death, the lack of social experience I have (no friends, no SO, not even an acquaintance), the lack of income, the lack of adventure, the lack of contentment, and the wasted opportunity. I've gained so much weight, nearly 80 pounds. I don't know when it happened but that traps me more. Keeps me bound indoors for fear of judgment. I could easily be a medical doctor, or a psychologist, or a geophysicist, or a wildlife biologist working to restore wolf habitats. I have the gifts, the tools, necessary. Can anyone help me deal with this wall of anxiety and indecision and get to some living? I'm motivated by love. I desire to fall in love more than anything. I have no other ambitions. But, I would like very much to have a career I can tolerate and use as a method to meet women. Even in the age of equality, nobody wants a partner they have to support financially. My future SO would obviously like someone who cares enough about their own body to maintain a healthy weight. Anyway, rant over, I'm just super frustrated with myself.
Okay, One Last Try
Anxiety Support / by TheHammaOnU
Last post
 June 18th, 2019
...See more Hi all, I dont really know how these things work because Ive never actually tried asking for help on a forum before. Usually I just lurk and try to find relevant advice, but this is my last shot at figuring something out. Im 26, nearly 27. I am unemployed. Friendless. Overweight. I suffer from severe anxiety. I have a debilitating skin disease that makes being intimate with women nearly impossible. Even when I do manage it, Im not well-endowed and our culture is pretty messed up about that. I suppose Im pretty good looking and fairly intelligent. When I was in shape and working for Disney I didnt have much trouble dating. But thats not what this is about. Firstly, Im not suffering from depression, so please dont assume this and write me off. Secondly, I refuse anxiety medication for several reasons, one of which being the inability to pay for it. Thirdly, Ive tried psychotherapy 4 times for extended periods, it is ineffective. Yall are my only hope and I dont even know what I expect. Heres my problem: anxiety literally keeps me from living my life. I cannot function as a driver in anything but mild traffic. I have cognitive issues with work that makes me seem developmentally disabled despite having an above average IQ (124 tested). I lie awake with death anxiety at night. I cant have romantic relationships because my anxiety makes me think something is wrong and I run people off (even if they see through my medical issues). I cant handle loud noises for extended periods of time. Repetitive noises (like telephones). Or loud people. Im an INFJ/INFP if you put any stock in that, I think its useful for some generalizations. I have zero career ambition, probably due to fear and functional incompetence (not a put down, I mean it. Someone can tell me to press a blue button, my processes will panic and press the green one instead. I have no control over this). I have trouble performing simple tasks like locating physical addresses and properly analyzing road rules. I live with my parents and they are fully content with me living here forever doing nothing but house chores. They are wealthy enough that I really wouldnt need to worry about much ever in my life, but they raised me to be uncomfortable with charity. So Im suffering in my own luxury. They didnt get where they are in a traditional way, so they have no advice for me. They obviously want me to have a life, but finally understand the scope of my mental illness and that it prevents me from doing so. If I channel rage, I can sometimes force myself through difficult tasks like driving in busy cities and performing high stress job functions, but inevitably they end in true stress migraines (Not headaches. Stress migraines are entirely disabling and in my case require shots to counteract them). I have a college education (Bachelors in Business Admin so its like I never even went) and no debt. I literally have a dream life for some but I am unable to utilize it. Ive been given the greatest curse of all: mediocrity. Im not intelligent enough to be an industry leader, but Im too intelligent to be anything less. Im too anxiety ridden to perform even the simplest tasks, but have a desire to maximize my potential. True love is my only passion, but I cannot find it because of my medical/genetic issues. I have a college education but cannot apply it. Im debt free but cannot buy anything. My life is a great and terrible cosmic joke. I think I must have had a no good, dirty rotten, pig stealing, great great grandfather or something. Now, I realize I must sound like a complete dickhead. But honestly Im just frustrated. Im actually a pretty sensitive and empathetic person but I needed to vent. I realize that the obvious answer to my dilemma is acquiring a career that fits my conditions. I.e. little to no contact with others, low stress, autonomous, etc. But the issue is that Im trapped in a small town with no job or education opportunities. Also, I have zero drive to see anything through. Therapists are incapable of helping me because I see through their techniques. Perhaps a psychiatrist or a psychologist with extensive experience could help me in some way, but I cant afford them. Ive tried nearly everything and I just honestly hate it all. I dont see the point in struggling through maybe 72-79 years to just die anyway. Everything is completely and totally meaningless. And I know thats why life has meaning. Its a paradox. I just dont know what to do from here. Cant move. Cant work. Cant file for disability. Cant live off my parents. Cant find love here. Cant do even the SIMPLEST tasks and nobody understands why. Cant...be happy. Ever. If any of you choose to read this all the way. Thank you so much. I know humans are naturally self-absorbed and will skim it at best. Im sorry for the whining, but people cant understand the significance of my anxiety, or the sheer overwhelming force of it. Im losing the fight against life, mostly because I cant even live it. I apologize for the length. If you have any advice at all on how to find a career that suits me with zero city resources and assuming Ive tried every online resource, please be my guest and talk to me. Thanks again. TL;DR: Unusually debilitating anxiety. No meds possible. Tried therapy. Charmed life. Unable to live it. Intimacy issues. Medical issues. Not disability eligible. True love goal. Impossible. Small town. No resources. Live with parents. Jobless. 27. Friendless. Overweight. Dateless. Whiny. Moving/driving ability limited. Intelligent barely. Functionally disabled. Please help. Last shot.
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