New job and terrified
I'm starting a new job in a pizza place today and I'm filled with pure dread and horror. Uniforms, having to change my eating schedule, the paranoia of being scheduled at/past midnight... I'm scared to death of losing the little control over my life that I do have with controlling parents. I know it's getting bad when I start having nightmares and I'm screaming/crying in my dreams because that usually doesn't happen to me.
I'm afraid of losing everything that gives me freedom, the ability to travel and go to events, hang out with friends, express myself, paint my nails ever, wear my own clothes, no days off, being scheduled at midnight when I'm TERRIFIED of being out at night as it is, my IBS reacting to an unfamiliar eating pattern...... I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. Food service, customer service and retail jobs AREN'T FOR ME, but I don't have the connections/buddies/fam/education to get a better job. I only have "some college" as I'm currently trying to get my Associate's in English and I have one more class until I get it. In my experience, working in food service has never provided an appropriate work/personal life balance and people are treated like machines or appliances in constant use instead of human beings with feelings and thoughts and the company owns you more than you own yourself. It's soul crushing. And having money is great and essential, but I'm terrified about the other ways my life is about to change.
@stydia
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
I'm starting a new job in a pizza place today and I'm filled with pure dread and horror. (I could see why you would be filled with dread and horror, its almost like new things tend to give you this kind of feelings because probably you were not supported and encouraged in the past. What you are experiencing must be overwhelming, but its the past experiences thats taking over) Uniforms, having to change my eating schedule, the paranoia of being scheduled at/past midnight... I'm scared to death of losing the little control over my life that I do have with controlling parents. (It's understandable how you feel after what you experienced with your parents growing up. You didn't have much control growing up which can definetly be scary, and now its very tough to let go of that little control you have. It's almost as if this work takes you back to the times you were controlled by your parents) I know it's getting bad when I start having nightmares and I'm screaming/crying in my dreams because that usually doesn't happen to me.(I could see you are in a lot of pain and hurt about this, based on what you shared it makes a lot of sense with what you experienced growing up. It must be tough not being able to turn this off, but I believe this is the way the mind is trying to tell you that this is something it needs to be adressed)
I'm afraid of losing everything that gives me freedom, the ability to travel and go to events, hang out with friends, express myself, paint my nails ever, wear my own clothes, no days off, being scheduled at midnight when I'm TERRIFIED of being out at night as it is, my IBS reacting to an unfamiliar eating pattern...... (Whats IBS? and whats making you feel terrified of being out at night?. I feel its completly normal the way you are feeling, its this fear of losing everything by working at this place, and it becomes even more overwhelming as time passes by. It's tough dealing with the fear of losing things that give you freedom, specially when your parents didn't make you feel free and safe) I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. (I can see you are feeling a lot of fears, specially with certain belief and at the moment it feels like it can be quite overwhelming when thoughts come up of what it could be) Food service, customer service and retail jobs AREN'T FOR ME, (it's normal, they are some jobs that you will feel good and other that you will feel aren't for you) but I don't have the connections/buddies/fam/education to get a better job. I only have "some college" as I'm currently trying to get my Associate's in English and I have one more class until I get it. In my experience, working in food service has never provided an appropriate work/personal life balance and people are treated like machines or appliances in constant use instead of human beings with feelings and thoughts and the company owns you more than you own yourself. (I take it you have work on the food service, and had some bad experiences? If you do then I can see why you feel this kind of job are not thing after what you went through. I would have felt hesitant to try something like this as well) It's soul crushing. And having money is great and essential, but I'm terrified about the other ways my life is about to change. (it's normal how you feel, specially with everything you have seen and experience. I can tell that change and new things can be quite scary and overwhelming, it triggers this intense fear inside that its hard to shut off or turn off, but what if you were to see that change is something that can lead to new things?)
@freshLight64 Thank you for being so kind and compassionate 
Yes, I've mostly worked in food service and sadly the best ones were only seasonal/temporary and I can't come back because they started hiring through an agency now. IBS is short for irritable bowel syndrome, a debilitating digestive disorder that makes me feel so sick that sometimes i can't even leave the house. It's awful. Yesterday was my first day of training and I almost had a panic attack in there, but it wasn't so bad because I learned how to top pizzas and that's the easiest part. I'm still depressed and unhappy knowing I'm pretty much on call. This in't what I want out of life.
@stydia
Yes, I've mostly worked in food service (It makes a lot of sense now why you don't enjoy working on those place) and sadly the best ones were only seasonal/temporary and I can't come back because they started hiring through an agency now.(Thats very unfortunate, specially when those were good jobs. What kind of jobs would you feel comfortable doing?) IBS is short for irritable bowel syndrome, a debilitating digestive disorder that makes me feel so sick that sometimes i can't even leave the house. It's awful. (It definetly is, its like at times it feels like being trapped specially when at times you want to go out and have fun, but then the IBS take over) Yesterday was my first day of training and I almost had a panic attack in there, (Congratulations for your first day of training, what lead to the panic attack?) but it wasn't so bad because I learned how to top pizzas and that's the easiest part. (Thats amazing, you were able to fight your panic attack, and then continued learning how to top pizzas. This is definetly an achivement) I'm still depressed and unhappy knowing I'm pretty much on call. (What you mean by this?) This in't what I want out of life. (What would you like to have in life at this moment?)
@freshLight64 I wish I could work for something quiet where I don't have to deal with a lot of people, like a library or maybe even in a cat sanctuary taking care of cats. Or even writing for a TV series, but that would come after I get my English degree. I really wanted to study film and fashion but my mom wouldn't let me, but I could see myself styling actors. I know what looks good on people and my fashion sense is next level. I feel like I'm always being tethered to home, waiting by the phone for work to call me in next and I don't want to have to do that. I want to travel, meet people, see things and live life instead of doing what everyone tells me.
@stydia
I wish I could work for something quiet where I don't have to deal with a lot of people, (I think that we all have our kind of work that we want and is perfectly normal. I'm sensing you might not trust people or can't handle closeness or possibly fear of getting hurt by them which is why you might prefer some quiet) like a library or maybe even in a cat sanctuary taking care of cats. (Is there close jobs about this? that you could apply now or after the season is over?) Or even writing for a TV series, but that would come after I get my English degree. (This is an amazing goal to have, don't let anyone stir you from a different path because its your life and you are in charge of its direction) I really wanted to study film and fashion but my mom wouldn't let me, (I understand the fear involved, and how tough it can be to go against your parents wishes, but you are an adult and you are allowed to make this choice. If you want to study film and fanshon, then you should because it is your life and not your mom life) but I could see myself styling actors. I know what looks good on people and my fashion sense is next level. (I like the confidence you have about this, you definetly have skills and abilities to work on something related to fashion) I feel like I'm always being tethered to home, waiting by the phone for work to call me in next and I don't want to have to do that. (This sounds like you are not willing to settle for less than you want) I want to travel, meet people, see things and live life instead of doing what everyone tells me. (Its how it should be, your parents will not be able to give you good advice or good support, so its important to live with your truth and purpose. There's a part of you thats deeply tired of doing what everyone tells you, i can see you want to live a life that makes you happy. You are tried to please people, when in reality you should be pleasing yourself when it comes to these decisions)
@freshLight64 Wow, you seem really supportive and it means so much to me. Thanks for listening, hearing and understanding me! This sounds like something I want to put on a resume to make myself seem like an ideal candidate. I started applying at other places that open and close at more appropriate hours because this job doesn't seem like somewhere I'm comfortable working at and it's not like the other pizza places I've worked at before, it's intimidating. I also read on Glassdoor that the company likes to evade the labor laws and forbid everyone their breaks. I can't work with that. I'm hoping that I can get another, safer job fast. You helped me realize a few things about myself that are very true.
@stydia
You are welcome!, I'm glad you are feeling that way.
I started applying at other places that open and close at more appropriate hours because this job doesn't seem like somewhere I'm comfortable working at and it's not like the other pizza places I've worked at before, it's intimidating. (What makes you feel this way?) I also read on Glassdoor that the company likes to evade the labor laws and forbid everyone their breaks. I can't work with that. (If this is something that has happened often and people are reporting then this would be a cause to feel worried, but how they have been treating you as of late?) I'm hoping that I can get another, safer job fast. You helped me realize a few things about myself that are very true. (Awareness is key, its definetly strange how we at times feel or display certain behavior without even know the real reason why, but you definetly will grow a lot from learning whats going on the unconcious)
@freshLight64 There are so many different kinds of pizzas and you have to shape the dough with your hands, I'm terrible with my hands and can't do it right and I'm afraid they're going to get impatient with me. The other pizza places, I was more of a cashier, pizza topper, sauce mixer, dishwasher, phone order taker and there was a man making all the dough for the pizzas, like one person assigned to each station. They were all adamant about taking breaks on time but this place seems to like not letting their employees have any breaks. I go in tonight and I'm terrified, this is taking a toll on not only my anxiety but my depression and I feel like I'm trapped with no escape. Should I talk to my manager about my phobia of late night shifts and ask if I can be scheduled to open instead?
@stydia
There are so many different kinds of pizzas and you have to shape the dough with your hands, I'm terrible with my hands and can't do it right and I'm afraid they're going to get impatient with me. (I understand your fear, it can definetly be challenging at first. You recently started working them, so its okay to make mistakes because thats how you learn things, everything is going to be okay. I do feel this is a trigger, if your parents were impatient with you and didn't promote learning from the mistakes then this trauma will take over on all part of your life, so the past is taking over the present) The other pizza places, I was more of a cashier, pizza topper, sauce mixer, dishwasher, phone order taker and there was a man making all the dough for the pizzas, like one person assigned to each station. (Oh I see, so back then it was a lot different from what you are doing. It's normal that at times you will feel nervous since this is something new for you) They were all adamant about taking breaks on time but this place seems to like not letting their employees have any breaks. I go in tonight and I'm terrified, this is taking a toll on not only my anxiety but my depression and I feel like I'm trapped with no escape. (I could see why it would take a toll on you, specially when a lot of emotions, past trauma and other things take over, but you are doing in great in doing the best you can to fight these obstacles. Does negative thoughts and anxiety tend to take over often?) Should I talk to my manager about my phobia of late night shifts and ask if I can be scheduled to open instead? (If you feel really worried about late night shifts, then its definetly a good idea to see if something can be worked around that.)
@freshLight64 Things took a turn for the worse over the last few days and my boss is downright abusive, crossing lines. She was mocking my hearing impairment, threatening to fire me on my first day learning how to top pizzas and accusing me of doing nothing, getting angry when I was asking questions to make sure I was doing things correctly when it was all new to me and gossiping about me to other employees while I was there, like I wasn't as if I were completely deaf. I told her about my high frequency hearing loss during the INTERVIEW before she hired me and she denied ever having that conversation. I tried to use my own earbuds for the video training and she gave me a hard time over that, claiming the computer wouldn't work with mine and she was going to try and make me use her crusty, earwax caked ones. She barks and snaps at me when I've done nothing wrong and I'm trying my best, giving me death glares and being a bully in front of everyone else. I left the room and I heard her laughing and mocking me in an animated voice, "I don't know how to do it!" which I never said, but apparently being trained is too much to ask. I can't be expected to know where everything is when I've never been in the store before, like I'm psychic. Totally unreasonable.
Yesterday I had an IBS flare up and was miserable, almost lost control of my body at work and I would have if she hadn't sent me home two hours early. This is literally making me sick and not worth it, and my dad knows I can find something better (I'm still looking and applying at places, calling back, etc.) and wants me to quit but my mom refuses to let me.
@stydia
Things took a turn for the worse over the last few days and my boss is downright abusive, crossing lines. She was mocking my hearing impairment, (This is very rude of her, and you definetly didn't deserve to go through this. A hearing impairment doesn't make you less of a person, you are still a person who is enough and worthy) threatening to fire me on my first day learning how to top pizzas and accusing me of doing nothing, (This must be very discouraging to go through, it does sound like she uses threats to make me do what she wants. Her behavior shows she is impulsive, abusive, uses threats to get her way and impatient. It's okay thats taking you some time to get used to learning this, each of us have our process to learn things) getting angry when I was asking questions to make sure I was doing things correctly when it was all new to me (It's definetly nice of you to ask question, to be curious about the job and wanting to learn more (You didn't do anything wrong here), however she seems impatient and irritable which has to do with her own issues) and gossiping about me to other employees while I was there, like I wasn't as if I were completely deaf. I told her about my high frequency hearing loss during the INTERVIEW before she hired me and she denied ever having that conversation. (I can sense you are feeling frustrated about this situation, i would be feeling the same way as well specially if someone would behave like she did.) I tried to use my own earbuds for the video training and she gave me a hard time over that, (I dont understand why she would do this to you, the earbuds definetly helps to absorb the information a lot easier for you.) claiming the computer wouldn't work with mine and she was going to try and make me use her crusty, earwax caked ones. (Hmmm its like she expects people to do things her way or no way. She is coming across as immature, and throw tantrums when people don't do things her way or don't learn quick enough) She barks and snaps at me when I've done nothing wrong and I'm trying my best, (I believe you are giving it your best, I'm proud of you for doing the best you can. She definetly has deep issues regarding with power, control and empathy. You are not doing anything wrong here) giving me death glares and being a bully in front of everyone else. I left the room and I heard her laughing and mocking me in an animated voice, "I don't know how to do it!" (This definetly sounds hurtful to hear, and its just terrible you have to experience this kind of behavior from her. I can tell all of this is part of anger issue she has, and she also needs to put other people down on an effort for her to feel better. I also think she abuses power, specially when she never felt in control of her life) which I never said, but apparently being trained is too much to ask. (You are doing the right thing in asking questions and expecting to be trained since this is something new, however she is behaving inappropiatly by treating you like this) I can't be expected to know where everything is when I've never been in the store before, like I'm psychic. Totally unreasonable. (You are correct, its unreasonable and you are not a mind-reader. I can tell they impose indepedence on her from a young age, also some past trauma, so now she expects other people to be indepdent and expects to know everything in the same way a parent should with their children)
Yesterday I had an IBS flare up and was miserable, almost lost control of my body at work and I would have if she hadn't sent me home two hours early. (Its understandable how you felt, specially when the IBS showed up and how she abused her authority) This is literally making me sick and not worth it, and my dad knows I can find something better (I'm still looking and applying at places, calling back, etc.) and wants me to quit but my mom refuses to let me. (Your dad is right on this one. I feel like you shouldn't be a part on an environment where people are going to make fun of you and be abusive torwards you. This is not a job you should take part in because it will definetly affect every area of your life)
@stydia
About your degree....what are you going to do with an Associate's degree in English? Are you planning to teach? How are you going to use it to make a living?
@goodSpruce3041 That's the thing, I feel so lost. I don't even WANT to major in English. I wanted to study film, fashion, media but my mom wouldn't let me because she doesn't believe in those as careers but I know it's not impossible. English is only a little bubble. I can do journalism or screenwriting, or teach English but I'd still need a Bachelor's in teaching and a year of being a teachers' assistant and my mom seems to laugh at/mock anything I want like nothing pleases her. I don't know what's expected of me when she doesn't seem supportive of anything I suggest, but she made me major in English before I knew what I wanted just because I'm not good at math but she doesn't realize how much it's limited my options.