New job and terrified

@stydia

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I'm starting a new job in a pizza place today and I'm filled with pure dread and horror. (I could see why you would be filled with dread and horror, its almost like new things tend to give you this kind of feelings because probably you were not supported and encouraged in the past. What you are experiencing must be overwhelming, but its the past experiences thats taking over) Uniforms, having to change my eating schedule, the paranoia of being scheduled at/past midnight... I'm scared to death of losing the little control over my life that I do have with controlling parents. (It's understandable how you feel after what you experienced with your parents growing up. You didn't have much control growing up which can definetly be scary, and now its very tough to let go of that little control you have. It's almost as if this work takes you back to the times you were controlled by your parents) I know it's getting bad when I start having nightmares and I'm screaming/crying in my dreams because that usually doesn't happen to me.(I could see you are in a lot of pain and hurt about this, based on what you shared it makes a lot of sense with what you experienced growing up. It must be tough not being able to turn this off, but I believe this is the way the mind is trying to tell you that this is something it needs to be adressed)

I'm afraid of losing everything that gives me freedom, the ability to travel and go to events, hang out with friends, express myself, paint my nails ever, wear my own clothes, no days off, being scheduled at midnight when I'm TERRIFIED of being out at night as it is, my IBS reacting to an unfamiliar eating pattern...... (Whats IBS? and whats making you feel terrified of being out at night?. I feel its completly normal the way you are feeling, its this fear of losing everything by working at this place, and it becomes even more overwhelming as time passes by. It's tough dealing with the fear of losing things that give you freedom, specially when your parents didn't make you feel free and safe) I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. (I can see you are feeling a lot of fears, specially with certain belief and at the moment it feels like it can be quite overwhelming when thoughts come up of what it could be) Food service, customer service and retail jobs AREN'T FOR ME, (it's normal, they are some jobs that you will feel good and other that you will feel aren't for you) but I don't have the connections/buddies/fam/education to get a better job. I only have "some college" as I'm currently trying to get my Associate's in English and I have one more class until I get it. In my experience, working in food service has never provided an appropriate work/personal life balance and people are treated like machines or appliances in constant use instead of human beings with feelings and thoughts and the company owns you more than you own yourself. (I take it you have work on the food service, and had some bad experiences? If you do then I can see why you feel this kind of job are not thing after what you went through. I would have felt hesitant to try something like this as well) It's soul crushing. And having money is great and essential, but I'm terrified about the other ways my life is about to change. (it's normal how you feel, specially with everything you have seen and experience. I can tell that change and new things can be quite scary and overwhelming, it triggers this intense fear inside that its hard to shut off or turn off, but what if you were to see that change is something that can lead to new things?)

@stydia

About your degree....what are you going to do with an Associate's degree in English? Are you planning to teach? How are you going to use it to make a living?