stydia Member Profile

Barely surviving toxic parents

Trauma Support / by stydia

November 16th, 2019

...See more my parents are Actual Narcissists who have made me so cripplingly codependent and ruined my youth by treating me like a child and not letting me live my life, controlling me, belittling/abusing me etc. but I'm stuck living here because no one will hire me and I've been unemployed due to traumatic hearing loss and my mom thinks I'm indebted to her financially, wants me to pay her back for all my phone/car insurance bills instead of taking care of myself+clothes+makeup+hygiene because apparently appearance isn't important when i'm trying to grow up and be my own person and i'll never be able to pay her back when I have to save for tuition so I'm so scared I'll never get away from her or move out 1:46 PM I'm 25 and a virgin, she kept me on a tight leash as a child, adolescent, teenager and young adult and I feel like it stole so much of my life because I missed out on things and now I'm just starting to discover what I should've been doing a long time ago because she didn't let me have a cell phone until college and I'm just learning how to take GOOD selfies and now she AND my aunt are telling me I'm "TOO OLD" TO TAKE PICTURES OF MYSELF WHAT THE FUCK SINCE WHEN DID SELFIES HAVE AN AGE LIMIT 1:47 PM and that makes me so mad and it hurts because i didn't have friends as a teen because i had to stay in the house all the time like a baby in a playpen and i was so sheltered it's like the only way i live is through social media because i never see the light of day and i'm invisible irl just wasting away here not getting any younger and every time i try to express my feelings my mom tells me to shut up be quiet shhhh enough and tries to silence me completely and not hear another word and when i try to speak up for myself, it's always my fault or something I did wrong she makes me feel like i'm crazy or something but i know she's not normal and she still controls what i wear how i dress what i do with my money etc. and now she WANTS my money and she screams at me to get a job every day and it's like why? so i can hand her my paychecks? and i grew up so socially unaware and inept i'm super awkward and i feel like i can't really connect to my peers but all the other adults i've encountered know how my parents treat me is wrong. I've lived my whole life crippled by codependency with Actually Narcissistic parents. My youth has been wasted. I haven't lived a "normal" life, I missed out on normal healthy development and I'm intellectually an "old soul" but socially disadvantaged/inept because of how sheltered and kept on a leash I've been from childhood until now. I'm unemployed due to a traumatic injury and hearing loss from my last job which now limits where I can work and what I can do if I want to preserve the rest of my hearing (no fast food/places with loud blenders), but now every conversation is my mother screaming at me that I need to "GET A JOB!11111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111" and I AM trying. It's hard in a small town where everyone hires their buddies and besties, and I've tried explaining that to her unntil I'm blue in the face and she won't have it. But I can't move out unless I have money, and I'm not getting any younger. I haven't lived. I'm still a virgin, never been on a date, never even had a flirtatious interaction with another man. I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone until I got to junior college, and it was the bare minimum cheap emergencies only crappy kind. I've upgraded a couple of times so I have a semi-decent/functional camera to take selfies, and I'm JUST NOW becoming somewhat photogenic/learning my angles and what kind of makeup looks good on me and my mom is now saying that I'm "too old" for that. But when I was "young" enough, I didn't have access to that world. I feel like I have a lot of lost time to make up for and catch up with and it just breaks my spirit. She's always been irrationally controlling and STILL tells me what I can/can't wear, controls my social media/Instagram/Facebook posts and keep tabs (I'm not sure how she found my IG because I don't put my full name on it), tells me which pictures to "take down" etc. and which status updates to delete, goes through my spiral notebooks in my backpack and fake-innocently denies it when it's lying open faced with private writing on it and I'm never home alone. She controls what I do with my money when I'm working seasonal jobs or scrape up some pocket money via my Redbubble shop (banshee24) or sell my old clothes on Poshmark for a little something to treat myself with. I live with her, I'm indebted to her and she has me so bound by her unspoken/invisible psychological rules and whims that I'll never get ahead. I feel trapped. I have seasonal affective disorder and now that it's getting dark, the house is getting colder because it's in the shade with very few windows and I'm already feeling it. I become erratic with angst when I'm depressed which makes me too negative and toxic to my online friends, aka THE ONLY FRIENDS I HAVE. I've been under an impression for years that I've never been allowed to leave the house, but today my mom dropped the bomb on me that I can do "whatever I want" as long as I check in but she never clearly defined that and had me thinking all this time that I was imprisoned here and needed permission for everything. BUT..... my dad purposely never taught me how to drive on the freeway so I'm only limited to driving to the grocery store, my local junior college and the shopping mall but that's it. He keeps saying driving is dangerous and I BOUGHT my own car in my name but he doesn't trust me driving??? He keeps making excuses to chaffeur me and drive me like I'm incapable of transporting myself and always deflects and changes the subject or suddenly has plans that day if I want to practice freeway driving so I can go more places. So... I'm "allowed" to go places and socialize... but they won't help me with the driving experience or how to memorize the routes to further locations like the hair salon I go to downtown etc. so I don't know how to get there. And suddenly I "don't need permission" as long as I "check in" when they've never said that before and I spent MY WHOLE LIFE BEING TOLD "NO". What's up with that?!? Was that a mega gaslighting move? I've become submissive, meek and I'm realizing that hasn't been working for me and I'm trying to become more assertive and I've been making progress speaking my truth and using my voice, but it took me so long to realize how I've been conditioned and how it's held me back. I dream of having privacy, quiet, my own space where nobody keeps me on a leash or cracks the whip if I step out of line (by their standards) and I'm so afraid that it's already too late for me to start saving up. Because I'm unemployed, I "owe" her for all the phone bills the car insurance bill she helped me with while I was literally unable to support myself or even buy groceries and I also have to save up to pay tuition since I got accepted into my dream university I'm realistically never going to be able to afford, so I'm held immobile by a cosmic catch-22. There is no way to win with a narcissist. I don't feel like a human being, I feel like some alien species without a voice or an identity or like Pinocchio wanting to be a real person without strings attached. I'm desperate, saddened and I feel broken. my mom has zero consideration or respect for my thoughts, feelings, identity or humanity as long as i do what she says, when and how she says it and stay quiet and that's so so unhealthy and wrong. I feel so beaten down and ruined. I want to escape, run away, flee the country just to feel emotionally safe and in control of myself. and I'm afraid I'll never have the means to get there. (these are thoughts copy pasted from other platforms but i had to get it all out in one place).

I've reached that point

Depression Support / by stydia

August 1st, 2019

...See more Hey. Today's my 25th birthday and I wasn't excited for it. It feels like nothing special, like it's not even my birthday at all. My family is ignoring me, I'm confined to a stuffy house where the air is hot and thick, the roads are blocked off for construction so I literally can't leave the house and my mom is being cross with me for no reason. I have no friends to do anything with. My mom had plans to go to a scenic park with me, play scrabble, see some fruit trees and flowers with the new Canon camera my grandpa got me because my coworkers at my last job maliciously got into my purse and stole my Nikon. But it appears she's changed her mind and is now uninterested. I have a beautiful cake and it's the only thing I've looked forward to all day. None of my friends on other social platforms are online/active, my Tumblr feed is a ghost town and I'm just sad. Realizing how I'm feeling or NOT feeling right now makes me sad because I've never felt as empty or dead inside in my life as I do now, and by now I mean this year. I don't laugh, giggle, I rarely smile. I'm like a marble sculpture, or a hollowed-out lookalike of myself. I stopped feeling emotions except for compassion, empathy and sadness. Happiness? No. Error 404: Excitement not found. Joy? What's that? I have nothing to look forward to or even be happy about, and it just feels like I'm waiting for fate or waiting out my life, waiting for the slow approach of the end. Day by day. Time doesn't feel real. I feel like something took away my soul and left me with a handful of vital signs. Brain activity, movement, organ functioning. That's it. I never thought this would happen to me or that I'd be a sad person. But I feel like I've been broken. Nothing is special or wonderful anymore. It's like all the color's bled out of my life. And that hurts. It breaks my heart. I don't know how to feel like a vivacious human being again, but I wish to so badly. I wish I could go back, live my colorful and sweet childhood again, find what went wrong and fix it. Of course, time doesn't work like that. Hold onto every memory and cherish every ounce of goodness in your life. I'm pretty much a feminine shaped void. Muted, soundless. Is this forever? Is this gonna be the rest of my life? Is there a way to come back from this?

Do I mess up on purpose?

Depression Support / by stydia

June 9th, 2019

...See more I know what you're thinking: Why in the world would you do that? Many factors, actually. Here's the thing. I am burned out and beyond sick to death of working in food service and I'm in a state where I value my mental health and sense of safety and control over my life over money. My depression has been at its worst in years and I feel like this is more than I can take. I recently started working as a waitress, food runner and busser in a restaurant and it's brought me nothing but misery. They aren't willing to accommodate my schedule needs, the staff is rude to me and either talks to me like I'm completely stupid or snubs me when I try and join in/initiate friendly conversation, never says hello or goodbye to me even when I do and make it clear that they're all buddy-buddy and I'm not welcome. I feel like a servant, not a server. Which isn't the worst thing in the world as I'm there for my paycheck, but I don't even feel appreciated. I've also realized that this position is not for me. I'm only 91 lbs with no muscle tone (I've been ill over winter/spring and it kept me from working out), I cannot lift both giant trays of food and the setting trays to place it on at once. My boss already mocked me and made me setting the tray at the tables first before coming back with the food seem like a problem and asked, "how are you going to work here if you can't carry the food?", my coworkers conveniently swoop in and steal tips from the tables meant for me while I was working five times harder than them and they were playing the "looking busy and pretending to work" game and I get told to do things I just did. I get falsely accused of standing around by my superiors and it's just too much pressure. Food service isn't my calling, after 7 years of transitioning from restaurant to restaurant and I am so genuinely miserable I'm having to push through my life. I'm missing time with my family, I'm anchored at home and dreading work on my one rare day off and can never leave the city and it affects the quality of my home life. I can never eat real cooked meals because I'm working from afternoon until almost midnight and barely manage to scarf down a prepackaged salad on my 10 minute break. To me, it's not worth it. The other night, I got THROWN UP ON by a customers' 7 year old kid in front of everyone in the restaurant, in the middle of the lobby. I was waiting tables and as they were getting up to leave, the kid randomly projectile vomited all over the floor right behind me and it splattered on my uniform, etc. I had to leave my shift early to get cleaned up, nobody apologized to me and they just stared, it was ultimately sickening and humiliating. I cried so hard on the way home and I was so upset, I reached my lowest point like it was all too heavy on me, hurt too much and I feel trapped in life, like I can't escape. I go back today, and I feel like I can't take any more. What I really want to do is quit, but my mom would never let me (I still live with her because the jobs I've had barely let me pay my phone/car insurance). I would be okay for the rest of this month if I didn't spend any more of my paycheck or found another job, and I've applied to several in retail and as a receptionist. Anyway... I have a good mind to "mess up" and make tons of stupid mistakes on purpose to feign incompetency so they have to "let me go". After all, it's true: I am not cut out for waitressing. It's more than what I can do and it's too taxing on me. I want out, I don't care about the money and I feel like that's the only way I'm going to survive the summer. I know I have seasonal jobs lined up and guaranteed in fall, and I'll be fine if I don't land another job until then even though I am actively pushing and looking to find another. I just need to get out of this ASAP because it's damaging my spirit and it's not even worth it. But really, I can't stay somewhere that makes me feel like this or wish bad things about myself. I'm sick of crying all the time until I can't see anything positive left in my life. I really want to screw up on purpose so they have to fire me and I can be free. WWYD? Thoughts?

Seasonal Affective Disorder and bad job

Depression Support / by stydia

April 8th, 2020

...See more I can't catch a break from depression and the second I think I'm free and things are gonna get better, it gets worse. California hasn't seen a warm day in almost a year now, it's stormy, raining, thundering, hailing and it won't let up. Records say it hasn't been this cold in May since the early 1960s and I'm tired of having to hide under blankets, shivering in sweats and not being able to get warm. I live with controlling parents who don't let me run the heat, so I'm always miserable. The house is in shade so there's no sunlight, scarce windows so it's like living in a cold, damp cave. I recently got a part time job that doesn't comply with the labor laws and employees are refused breaks, they close at 2 a.m. and I can't do that. They've been scheduling me to work later and later, 7 pm and 9:30 pm and the anxiety is paralyzing because I don't like being out late at night (I don't feel safe, my anxiety skyrockets and it's hard for me to sleep later because of panic attacks and insomnia) and I can't work until midnight or 2 a.m., I need my sleep because I get up at 4 a.m. to get ready for college. Getting up in the morning is gloomy and miserable, I dread the day, I have nothing to look forward to and I'm just doing miserable. I want to run from my job screaming and never go back, I applied at several different places because I can do better and I need something with hours more appropriate for my needs and I have a feeling this place is going to take advantage of me and run me into the ground just so they don't have to do the hard stuff. I find myself bullied and abused at every job I'm at if they're not corrupt by forbidding breaks or forcing off-the-clock work and I'm just saddened and feel dead inside. This weather shouldn't be happening to SoCal in the spring, it's unheard of and I want to leave the country just so I'll be warm somewhere (of course I can't, LOL). Things are looking bad, I'm too depressed to clean my room, I'm lonely but at the same time clinging to solitude because it's the only way I feel calm and safe, I feel like I have no control or agency over my life and I don't even mind a few more weeks of unemployment as long as I'm not in a toxic environment that poses a threat to my emotional/mental health. Every day, it's like December/January weather and I feel like my skin's turned to ice, I can't wear my nice clothes, acne's flaring up with stress and lack of sunlight. Last time I was working in an unhealthy place, I lost my period for 5 months due to extreme stress and my IBS was at its worst in my life. I'm getting nightmares, crying and screaming in my dreams and that never happens so I'm just dreading this situation, dragging myself out of bed knowing the rest of my day is going to be hell and the hard part isn't going to start until a long evening. I'm just so sick of everything and there's no escape. I feel trapped.

New job and terrified

Anxiety Support / by stydia

June 10th, 2019

Back to work and terrified

Anxiety Support / by stydia

March 8th, 2020

...See more I've been unemployed for almost a year, I had to quit my last job due to traumatic illness resulting in hearing loss because I was exposed to harmful noise levels and now have high frequency hearing loss + chronic tinnitus and the ENT I saw said if I stayed there I could go deaf. I've been living off my parents with the BARE MINIMUM, went through a 4 inch growth spurt and got curvier and desperately need new clothes, it's been rough but I finally found another job......... and I'm TERRIFIED. Why? It's a pizza place, and food service has become soul-shattering depressing for me. Uniforms? Dress code? Shirt tucked in, hair in a bun and no nail polish? Make me uncomfortable and sad as a fashion lover, like I'm losing my identity (I know, I'm 24 but living with extremely strict/controlling/stifling parents gave me a need for control and self expression)... but that's not the problem. Not eating on a regular schedule (I have IBS and eating at the same times like a routine helps me manage it because that's what my body's used to)? Working until midnight or 2 a.m./overnight shifts? Losing my freedom, the ability to go places, leave town, hang out with friends or pursue hobbies? I feel like I'm kissing my freedom goodbye in every way possible and like I'm signing my life over to this place. I start today, I'm SO, so, so nervous and quite upset about it. I cannot work past 10 pm, I'm a college student and need my sleep, you can bet I have insomnia issues as it is as someone who suffers from anxiety. I don't like being out late at night, I don't feel safe and that's usually when my stomach problems act up anyway. I'm actually quite sad, waking up in the morning knowing I have to push through this is depressing even if I'll be making money, like I'll never get a day to myself anymore. I'm scared. I wish I could get an office or secretary job where I can at least have more control over what I wear so I can be comfortable, but I don't have the friends/connections/education to qualify. The most education I have is "some college" for an Associate's in English I don't have yet but I almost do. I hate this, I'm not happy about it, I'm more terrified about it and how my life is going to change negatively than anything. I'll miss out on time with my family, can't go to events, anchored to this town because of it. Food service jobs are taken so seriously now, like being on call. I don't like this... anyone else know how it feels? [https://66.media.tumblr.com/2fc805e25180309b3bbba4d244b1228e/tumblr_prngq5s05W1tjdbxzo1_1280.png]

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