My story..

finally decided to share this here & get this out of my head... : ]

.. 

So... an year ago, I met an online friend in a group chat.. We were really good friends in the beginning. We talked a lot in group & lil bit in dm too. But slowly, he started ignoring me... & his behavior towards me started to change.. I used to think a lot about what the reason can be. I took his ignorance personally : /

( which i really really regret now)..

I thought .. he's behaving like this because I'm weird or maybe uncool : ( 

... ( thinking this way was my biggest mistake).. 

It used to hurt me a lot seeing him behave so differently with me. He had stopped talking to me like he used to. His behavior was extremely cold. 

So, I asked him if anything was wrong. & then at getting no response from him I stopped texting him for my own mental peace & self respect. But, this thing gave me a little insecurity about the way I communicated. I felt I'm weird because of his sudden changed behavior without any explanation. I thought the flaw was in me. & I felt I was being annoying.. I felt he hated me. 

I started to maintain a distance from him.

I always missed him really bad.. still I did... for myself... 

But, then he, himself texted me after a few months... I thought.. maybe everything's alright now.. But he continued his changed behavior. I tried my best to stay away from him. But he didn't let that happen : (

He texted me once in a while.. but still behaved cold.. idk why..

my insecurity increased here! As I didn't think there could be any other reason behind his changed behavior .. 

I felt everyone hates me ( both my social media friends & people in real life) , I felt I m weird, uncool and different.. i felt I don't " fit in " : (

That insecurity led me to change the way I communicate with him & with others .. to fit in.. to be accepted.. : ( 

[ biggest regret ] 

I started to talk less in the group chat. And behave lil differently.. I stopped saying things I felt.. (so stupid of me to do that)

I judged myself.

This continued for a long time.. almost a year.. 

Also, we had some mutual friends, I felt, he behaved well with them, but not with me. I compared myself from them & observed how they were. : ( ..  

I judged myself.. & changed myself unintentionally. I didn't know & think all this will happen. 

Now, I'm so changed. I'm no longer that talkative person, who loved to talk & chat. Now, I find myself annoying easily. I judge myself. I fear judgement from others. Now, I don't even know how to communicate. I've kind of forgot how I was before, how I talked. If I try to talk/chat (even on cups, social media & in real life too) with people now it feels forceful. Sometimes, I go blank, I don't get what to say. If I try to remember the old me and be like the old me, it feels forceful, it hurts that I'm changed, and I start fearing judgement, this wasn't me. I loved to joke & be myself. I was confident. I never compared myself with anyone. I was a happy person, I never used to worry or think too much. I loved myself. I had some core values, some beliefs, I was myself, but everything's changed now. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to not to change for anyone. 

I keep thinking about this 24/7.. the moment I wake up.. I get this thought that I'm changed.. I am no longer the old me.. & this has become rumination.. i don't feel happy because of this.. i don't enjoy anything.. i miss the old me.. i keep thinking & worrying.. i ain't even able to concentrate on my studies.. this keeps revolving in my head.. and it hurts real bad. Things are so complicated in my head. I keep comparing everything with past & with the old me. I can't explain this feeling : /..  I feel really anxious when I think about all this.. how could I let a person change me, my happiness and everything .. 

Losing yourself/noticing changes in yourself is the worst feeling tbh : / 

I never knew, social media & online people can affect anyone, especially me, this badly. 

I really miss the old me... I wish I could get the exact old me back.. : /

A suggestion for those who have anyone in their life who ignores them = please, maintain a distance from them, don't take it personally. 

I wish I had realized this before & hadn't changed myself.