My story..
finally decided to share this here & get this out of my head... : ]
..
So... an year ago, I met an online friend in a group chat.. We were really good friends in the beginning. We talked a lot in group & lil bit in dm too. But slowly, he started ignoring me... & his behavior towards me started to change.. I used to think a lot about what the reason can be. I took his ignorance personally : /
( which i really really regret now)..
I thought .. he's behaving like this because I'm weird or maybe uncool : (
... ( thinking this way was my biggest mistake)..
It used to hurt me a lot seeing him behave so differently with me. He had stopped talking to me like he used to. His behavior was extremely cold.
So, I asked him if anything was wrong. & then at getting no response from him I stopped texting him for my own mental peace & self respect. But, this thing gave me a little insecurity about the way I communicated. I felt I'm weird because of his sudden changed behavior without any explanation. I thought the flaw was in me. & I felt I was being annoying.. I felt he hated me.
I started to maintain a distance from him.
I always missed him really bad.. still I did... for myself...
But, then he, himself texted me after a few months... I thought.. maybe everything's alright now.. But he continued his changed behavior. I tried my best to stay away from him. But he didn't let that happen : (
He texted me once in a while.. but still behaved cold.. idk why..
my insecurity increased here! As I didn't think there could be any other reason behind his changed behavior ..
I felt everyone hates me ( both my social media friends & people in real life) , I felt I m weird, uncool and different.. i felt I don't " fit in " : (
That insecurity led me to change the way I communicate with him & with others .. to fit in.. to be accepted.. : (
[ biggest regret ]
I started to talk less in the group chat. And behave lil differently.. I stopped saying things I felt.. (so stupid of me to do that)
I judged myself.
This continued for a long time.. almost a year..
Also, we had some mutual friends, I felt, he behaved well with them, but not with me. I compared myself from them & observed how they were. : ( ..
I judged myself.. & changed myself unintentionally. I didn't know & think all this will happen.
Now, I'm so changed. I'm no longer that talkative person, who loved to talk & chat. Now, I find myself annoying easily. I judge myself. I fear judgement from others. Now, I don't even know how to communicate. I've kind of forgot how I was before, how I talked. If I try to talk/chat (even on cups, social media & in real life too) with people now it feels forceful. Sometimes, I go blank, I don't get what to say. If I try to remember the old me and be like the old me, it feels forceful, it hurts that I'm changed, and I start fearing judgement, this wasn't me. I loved to joke & be myself. I was confident. I never compared myself with anyone. I was a happy person, I never used to worry or think too much. I loved myself. I had some core values, some beliefs, I was myself, but everything's changed now. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to not to change for anyone.
I keep thinking about this 24/7.. the moment I wake up.. I get this thought that I'm changed.. I am no longer the old me.. & this has become rumination.. i don't feel happy because of this.. i don't enjoy anything.. i miss the old me.. i keep thinking & worrying.. i ain't even able to concentrate on my studies.. this keeps revolving in my head.. and it hurts real bad. Things are so complicated in my head. I keep comparing everything with past & with the old me. I can't explain this feeling : /.. I feel really anxious when I think about all this.. how could I let a person change me, my happiness and everything ..
Losing yourself/noticing changes in yourself is the worst feeling tbh : /
I never knew, social media & online people can affect anyone, especially me, this badly.
I really miss the old me... I wish I could get the exact old me back.. : /
A suggestion for those who have anyone in their life who ignores them = please, maintain a distance from them, don't take it personally.
I wish I had realized this before & hadn't changed myself.
@reliablebunny23
Hi bunny, I'm so sorry to hear about what's happened to you as a result of this friendship. It sounds like your friend was dragging you down and his negativity is still affecting a lot even after you two stopped talking quite a while ago. I just want you to know that his attitude is his own issue that has nothing to do with you, and you didn't deserve any of this at all. I promise you're not weird and you deserve to be happy like before! There are people who care about you, so please don't let one mean person get in the way of you being your best self. I know it's hard and it's not fair that this happened but we're all here to support you on your journey of healing. Best wishes ❤️
@seaturtle54
Thank you so much. 🫂❤️
@reliablebunny23
🫂🫂
hello...
idk if anyone's going to see this comment or not..
But i was just feeling low, & alone. and wanted to talk about all this to someone or just write it somewhere..
Then I saw & remembered this post..
it has been months since I made this post..
& Things are still the same? A little worse ? Or a little better in a hidden way? I don't really know.
Life is just moving on.
And I everyday get new worries, new thoughts about all this, which are all negative, I keep noticing how much I've changed, there's nothing I can do, I even don't want to do, I just badly wish it was possible to go back in time.
I still miss the friend.. I don't know how to communicate anymore, but I just want to talk to that friend! Idk if I like him or what.
I'm trying ( while writing this I question myself am I even trying, or do I even want to try) to .. idk what I am trying..
I just try to talk with people here. To embrace a new self ? No. But to distract myself, ( Tho I don't get distracted by anything usually, thoughts related to this keep revolving in my head )
I try to help people here, so that they don't go through the pain I'm going through, but even while helping others, I think what would my old self do/say in this situation? might sound weird, but i miss my old self a lot, everything about my old self, smallest of the things, they are a lot and I don't even think that it's possible to write them all here..
I don't want a new self. I want my old self back.
I keep thinking can't god send me back in time or can't anyone invent a time machine? Might sound silly, but yeah.
I can't talk to people irl about this.
And here, talking about this makes me feel bad, so bad.
My heart pains
Life was so good before.
But, Everything just changed.
I wish it hadn't.
I wish I wake up someday and all this was just a dream.
Stupid me, this isn't possible.
It feels like I have ruined my life.
Sometimes, I think this is a minor thing to worry about, and people might think that too after seeing this forum post/ listeners I have told this to..
There are a lot of things that has changed.. I'd never be able to accept it..i just want to go back in time and forget that all this happened... I want to delete this thing from my life..
I am not even able to study, I keep thinking about all this, I don't do that intentionally, but this is rumination, the thoughts related to this are always there. I keep comparing my old life/self to the life/self now.
I have a weird overwhelming feeling 24/7 .. idk what it is, but i think it's cuz of this.. idk if it's true or not
I feel sad the whole day.. i think it's cus of this too , it's true or not idk ..
My life is a mess.
so, I'll just use this place for me to vent, I find it hard to open up to people, both in real life and here on cups too, I sometimes feel that I'm being annoying, or that it's hard to support me, I can't even open up completely to listeners. Idk why. Maybe I fear judgement? Maybe I find it hard to explain? Maybe it's too much to share? Maybe I don't wanna be annoying? Maybe I don't want to bother anyone? Maybe I think they won't understand? Maybe I think they'd leave me in between like everyone does? Or maybe something else and a lot more reasons combined with all this?
It's like I don't know how to tell anyone about my problems but I just want to tell someone, I want to take all these thoughts and feelings out.. I know that I need help, I want to be understood, I want to be supported. I want to be told what's the right thing to do. I want to have someone help me understand what I'm going through. I want someone to support me in my journey. But for that it's important to open up, and I can't do that because of some reasons which I too don't understand.
I struggle with understanding & expressing my feelings. But, I'd try to understand & express them here.
As, I think I'd be more comfortable sharing things here & everything bad happening in my life is probably related to the thing I shared in this post..
These thoughts and feelings are so scary.. that I have changed, and it's making me feel so so bad.. or idk if anything else is also there making me feel this way.. this feeling is overwhelming ..
It's so scary that I can't do anything to escape this feeling... I have to go through it.. what if I ruin my whole life feeling this way??what if I stay sad all my life??
these thoughts scare me so much.. i feel so .. weird.. as if I'm in a small place & I can't come out of it.. others are far away enjoying.. and doing things which I can't now.. like making online friends.. talking to them, having fun, not fearing judgment, i feel like it's a small box of problems, negative thoughts and overwhelming feelings with the changes I'm going through, i hate these changes, i wanna go back in time..
this feeling is weird.. it's an uncomfortable sensation in my chest, a heavy head, likely due to so many constant thoughts, feels like my brain doesn't gets any rest from rumination, & stress, i feel mentally and physically overwhelmed..
Day by day, time is passing, and nothing's getting better
I'm scared to stay like this all my life..
I'm again feeling so bad because.. it was just my " overthinking" that ruined everything. It was "me" who assumed that I'm weird. Even when no one said that to me. Why did I do that. If I hadn't assumed it nothing would have been ruined. My life would have been still the same only if I hadn't assumed it. Only if I hadn't overthinked about it. I wish I could go back in time and just stop myself from assuming that I'm weird or uncool. I wasn't. And even if I was, it didn't matter. But now, everything is ruined cuz of that thought, it was just a thought at that time, and now it has changed everything. Things would have been so simple and not bad if I hadn't did this to myself. It hurts too much. I really wanna go back in time and get back my old self. I wish it was possible.
I feel so alone. Everybody intentionally/unintentionally makes me feel like they don't care about me and I don't matter.
But why? What's wrong with me? Why don't I matter to people? It feels like people don't like me.
And maybe because of this changed me.
I knew how the old me was. I didn't need anyone before. I was fine alone.
I loved myself.
But now it feels like I've lost myself. And I am changed, I don't even have myself with me.
I hate being so alone.
I wouldnt have needed people to be there for me if I atleast had myself with me.
But I don't feel like myself.
I wish I could go back in time and get my old self :/ ( ik i say that everytime, and it isn't possible but i just wish it so badly. )
It hurts :/
This overwhelming feeling is still there, idk why I feel this way, i think, it is 'maybe' because of these changes, that makes me feel bad & makes me feel this way.. :/
