My Diary place
Not sure who will read it or if anyone wants to, so I guess it is for me. I can put things here when I need to and if you are reading this remember it is just the ramblings of me. So I will put things here and it will not get in anyone elses way.
****Tigger warning for sexual abuse things and being sick****
I am unsure whether this relates directly to trauma or not but it relates to me so I guess in a sense I cannot break myself apart. I have told two people about making myself sick when we moved to Canada on 7cups, so this is kind of scary to admit now. Moving here meant that I had to go to another new school and I did not understand people because of their accents. I am getting much better at it but still struggle at times, when sounds can related to different words in other languages it gets confusing. It was more than just a new school, the night before the school day in a new country. The sexual abuse thing happened, I am not sure if it was worse or different but it hurt so so so much and in the morning it still hurt a lot. So I went to school and this was the first time that I did not have an adult to help me with the disability things. It would have helped if I had that person there to be honest just because, ok I am not sure it just would have helped.
I asked to use the bathroom not because I needed it just I really needed to cry because my body was hurting so much and I did not want to do it in front of the class. My class has 11 students in it including me and it is a private school which not many students at all, so it felt like if I just started crying then everyone in the whole school would know me as the person who cried. The teacher asked me if I would like someone to show me where the bathroom was but I said no thank you or something like that. Then got there and started to cry. Then I was sick and it did something weird. It made me feel so much better and it made the pain not feel so much like it was there. It just felt like it gave me a comfort and maybe even control which I could have just to myself.
Then lunch time came and I ate, then I made myself sick again which was really difficult. After a while I did not have to force myself to be sick it just was like I could do it. The thing is after a few weeks I had a best friend who I love and is kind of like a big sister. Which is frustrating again being the little one, still she is actually bigger than me and older than me. I tried to stop myself from then being sick but it gave me too much. It was my secret that was only to do with me and it really made me feel better. I was so careful to make sure no one found out and I mean really careful, I would always have a fragrance oil with me and well I could go on and on but I knew how to hide it. My best friend never knew until I told her. When I told/did not real tell the other secret about the sexual abuse, well when it was known. I told mommy about this was well because I felt so guilty keeping things from her, so really guilty and I did not want that ever again. I feel so guilty that I keep the being sick, the abuse things and the hitting secret.
There was one person who did know, daddy and maybe it is also part of the reason why I told mommy about the being sick. I did most of the making myself sick as school but I was not at school all the time so I did it at home. In this house there are two big rooms which each other their bathrooms and then my room which is smaller which I kind of like and then I use the family bathroom which only I ever use. Still, daddy caught me being sick, the first time I thought I would be in so much trouble but maybe he thought I was just poorly but he caught me a second time and then again. Still, he never said anything. It is just really confusing why he never told me off or told me to stop. I am not going to get to see him for a while but I want to ask him why he let me do it and never told me off.
It is just now I have stopped making myself sick but food is argh, it is so difficult. It is a lot of control and comfort to give up… I guess the reason I wrote this is perhaps to let it go away from me, to not have it so much in my mind. I am not sure if it work other than that at least it serves as a confession of sorts.
Sorry if that went on to long…
Ame
@AmalieAnne - I am grateful you wrote about your experiences with this. I used to make myself sick when I was going through school too, also related to what I went through somehow. I have only told a handful of people about making myself sick. I tried so hard to hide it when it was happening, that when I stopped, I even hid it from myself by forgetting about it for many years. I rarely think about it, I haven't ever really considered why I did it to myself; I ought to think about it some more like you are doing. Thank you. I really hope you find some sort of peace with your unanswered questions, unanswered questions are so burdensome but also so important.
@wontsleepwontwake Sorry if I reminded you if you wanted to forget about doing it. I knew that it was a bad thing to do but it felt… not sure but it was everything came out I mean the feeling scared or something and I ended up crying for a little while. Then it felt like it was all ok and I could go back to class less scared. That was at school though at home it was different somehow. Not sure how to explain it. My psychologists, seeing her later today, she does not tell me things but gives me some ideas and then we work out which one is right. When we talk about why I make myself sick she said it might be a way making the things inside that I could not control like feeling scared so they would be on the outside so I can control them. I am not sure if that is the final one yet though. Can I ask why did you stop? I mean it is a good thing you did but kind of I really want to do it but I do not now. The feeling of wanting to do it is in my head all the time.
@AmalieAnne I'm glad you reminded me. Sometimes it can be scary to think about this stuff, but that's why I think it's brave that we're talking about it. Maybe your therapist is onto something about needing control. Maybe choosing our own discomfort, instead of it being chosen for us, is some kind of control, or maybe our brains use the distraction to hide us from all of the mxied feelings we're having about what's happening. But I agree with you, I think it might be just a clue, a piece of a puzzle.
I think wanting to stop is a great first thing towards stopping. Even just being aware there is maybe a need to stop is a good start, right? It's hard to come to terms with ourselves about what we are doing and why, and what we need instead to help us stop. I hope you find a really healthy way to stop. I think almost anything that doesn't hurt us or someone else, is a healthy distraction technique from unhealthy urges, there aren't really any wrong answers. I have a whole list of healthy distractions that I try to run through if any kind of urge rises up that I don't like. I think the trick is to bide time until the urge passes and then acknowledge why the urge was there in the first place and try to comfort ourselves in a loving way. It is harder than it sounds!
For me, I let it go on too long, my abuse was ongoing and while I was making myself sick, I didn't look for any other way, I didn't talk to anyone about my home life. I was making myself sick very often. Eventually, my home life became so bad, I didn't know if I would survive; in survival mode I realized for certain that making myself sick wasn't going to help me live, and it wasn't changing my situation at all except making it uncomfortable, or worse. It was the fear of my life that made me seriously reassess this and change my wanting to stop into a conscious difficult effort. I knew I needed to start trying anything else. Making myself sick had a very low success rate of improving my life when I assessed it in that fog. Sadly, because I still did not know how to deal with my feelings and situation, I still struggled with other self-harm techniques for a time after that, but hopefully you will learn something new from my answer that I did not learn from someone else when I was a young teenager. <3 Your insights have helped me think about myself too.
Hello Ame,
thanks for sharing that. Its interesting to read. What do you mean by saying "I made me sick"?
@AmalieAnne
I am started taking medicine which is making me really sick, which is weird since medicine is meant to make you feel better. A lot of people on here say what they remember about the bad things that happened, they are unsure if they are real or not. Also people tend to think people will not believe them if they tell. I do not imagine anyone would make such horrible things up in their minds and to be honest to get confused about things that happen to me is just normal. When you are scared your brain is not going doing it work of remembering and I have talked about how what you know of the past changes naturally in any case.
I am reading Hume, well Ayer view of Hume which I think relates to this. He writes the distinctive feature of memory, whether it is served by images or not, is that it exhibits ones belief in something which one has learned; in a sense with which Hume is concerned, that belief is a belief in the occurrence of some past experience… [memory] is neutral to the existence of the states of affairs which it represents. The difference between an imagined memory and a real one in our brains the memory must be anchored to some truth. Hume goes on to say that only difference between an imaginary and the memory of past experience is that a true memory is a truly imaginative reconstruction which you believe to have occurred.
My understanding is that a belief or memory whether it is true or not exists as a belief or memory, so it must then always be dealt with regardless of how true it is. If it causes your distress then it still needs all the attention that is required to make it safe. Hume then goes onto say that we do not have true memories of the past rather ‘imaginative reconstructions which due to the ways our brains work, which I think is quite accurate. There is nothing wrong with our brain doing this because between that experience which formed the first memory and the moment now we recall a memory we all have experienced and changed. So every memory has to fit in with how we have changed. For example, when I was little went somewhere, a basilica just outside the city where I was born and last year I went there again but it had changed. My memory was of it was bigger, grander and more imposing. The church itself had not change but I had, so even though it was still beautiful and impressive, it was different from my memories of it. My memories of the church were not a lie or false it was just I had grown.
I guess the importance of what I am writing here, if anyone actually reads it that is, is that my experience with visiting the church changing from how I remembered it was a good thing. Now being 13 rather than 5 or 6 I could read some of the Latin, I could understand the context of why it is a basilica and appreciate its important from a new perspective. In a true sense in a few years when I go back there another imaginative reconstruction would have taken place. I look forward to that because I can experience a thing of wonder and beauty in a new and different way. Why does this relate to trauma? It does not have beauty or wonder to it but I need it to change and it has started to (although so very slowly). So I hope one day I will not forget the trauma but it will be reconstructed in a way it wont make me cry, give me nightmares and everything else. Still, when I see people write they might get memories of their trauma wrong I honestly hope they do, if it is only to a small degree better than what happened that is a good thing. If is imaginative worsened it just to be dealt with, without so much judgement (yes, I am saying that).
I might have the interpretation of Hume wrong but I think I am almost there.
@AmalieAnne
I agree that it is usually a good idea to give oneself a break and allow things to evolve. So much easier in theory (at least for me).
I've made the common mistake that many adults make and allowed things to become fixed in my mind. Maybe it's time to approach some old thought patterns from a new perspective. There is a saying, "You can't go home again." If I cannot go home again then I suppose I will have to wander - and wonder where it all went wrong.
Perhaps it's better to shake off these things and move on.
Thanks for this post!
@themainjane I think everything is easier in theory apart from learning to ride a bike which I cannot do. I have become stuck as well, recently the OCD thing has been really bad. So for handwashing it has to be 30 times, my hands get really sore and hurt afterwards but I think at least I will not get sick again. I have been trying to stop myself before I reach 30, my therapist told me to try it. But if I put it into my mind that ok 5 time will be ok then it can help me stop. Maybe you could think of some ways you can stop things like that by telling yourself a reason for why it needs to change. You might not believe it but it can help, sometimes I can stop myself washing my hands after 20 times. Maybe that might help you with a new perspective. I really do not like the saying you can't go home again, I guess one thing I have learned is that sometimes you can but it will be different. I am not sure if that is what that saying means. Take care Jane *hugs*
@AmalieAnne
True. You Can go home again but it will be different. But that's okay.
Bless your heart! I hope you make progress on cutting down the number of times you wash your hands. I know you will get there in time. Go at a pace that is comfortable for you because I know you already have the ability to push yourself. Can you use lotion or some emollient to soothe your hands?
You don't ride bicycles? It's okay, not everyone does.
When I was learning to ride for the first time without training wheels I didn't know how to stop and ran into a brick wall. (It didn't hurt). But I did get better at braking in short order. ( -:
Now I wonder if that memory is accurate or just as I render it... (it's accurate if not close to it).
Maybe a better saying about home is: Home is where the heart is.
@themainjane I am sure that going into a wall on your bike did hurt, it kind of sounds painful. Still learning to break fast was a very good idea. Home as always been when you have the weird feeling that you kind of understand what things, I know that is a weird thing to say. At the moment here does not feel like home, it is not bad but it does not have that feeling like I kind of fit if that make sense. I have been using E45 on my hands which helps. I am still trying not to do the OCD things but it is scary to not do them because my brain just keeps thinking bad things will happen. I am still trying though.
@AmalieAnne - Beautiful! Memory and the brain is all very fascinating to me. The adults in some of my childhood memories are towering, even the shorter adults, just because I was so much smaller at the time. I love how you pointed that out. Similarly, if I'm used to traveling somewhere during the day, it's very possible I will get lost there at night because it doesn't match my memory as closely. Memory in regards to witness testimonials is also very interesting, and so is the experience of deja vu (which may be remembering a memory wile you are forming it, bizarre!) I also think you have an incredible outlook on life and change, you are absolutely correct. Think about it, even the universe was made from change and still grows and shifts. You're absolutely right, each changing variable in ourselves or our lives or our memories can be a new opportunity to capture some happiness, a newness to explore and learn about. I love that.
What you've written reminds me of this hypothetical scenario: Would you rather (a) have the most wonderful experience of your life and feel true happiness and satisfaction, but never remember it... or (b) have the memory of the most wonderful experience of your life, but later learn that it never truly happened? I enjoy thinking about things like this.
It also makes me think about perspective, and how our memory can affect how we view ourselves or our lives. I mean, suppose we forget the good things and think almost exclusively of the bad things, then I suppose we might truly begin to believe that our lives haven't had much good in them. Perspective is a massive influence on our wellbeing.
I really look forward to reading more of your insightful thoughts. You are really helping me think as well!
I would like to share some quotes with you about memory and time that I enjoy.
"My friend, a painter, blacks over his lines and pockets his pad: 'We never see a place,' he says, 'Until we leave it behind.' Yes, and by then it has become someplace else." - Nicholas Christopher
"I won't tell the story the way it happened. I'll tell it the way I remember it." - Great Expectations, 1998
"We do not really change over time; we are as flowers unfolding, we merely become more nearly ourselves." - Anne Rice
"'I have done it' says my memory. 'I cannot have done it' says my pride, refusing to budge. In the end - my memory yields." - Friedrich Nietzsche
@wontsleepwontwake
Great Expectations was my favorite Dickens novel. Is this from that?
@themainjane
There either is or is not
a way things are.
The color of the day.
How it felt to be a child.
The feeling of saltwater
on your sunburned legs.
Sometimes the water is yellow.
Sometimes it's red.The color in memory
depends on the day.
I won't tell the story
the way it happened.
I'll tell it the
way I remember it.
@themainjane
never mind. I see it's loosely based if it plays up the sensual side.
@themainjane - Yeah, that is an adapted line from a movie based on the book. I love the book too!
Honesty comes at great risk, it has the power to harm, to hurt or it can bring relief and the start of a new process. A better one, so let me say here I hope it is with honesty I write, the things in my head nothing more or less. Written in confession with the hope that it does not harm or hurt. I keep crying without really knowing why, I know I feel sad but the rush of it is so sudden. If I went through what comes into my mind then I should not be surprised they come back. I guess feeling guilt is part of it, although yes I know I should not feel so. I found a quote saying there is no such thing as a bad emotion only a stuck emotion. Just I am not sure how to get it unstuck unless time is the only answer.
@AmalieAnne
❤️ It's okay to cry. You have a lot of stuff that must swirl around in that head of yours. It would make anyone cry. Yes, I think it will take time. These things must be revisited and worked on but they do not have to dominate so much of you forever. Time and solving a part here and there, absolving yourself of wrongdoing real and imagined, coming to terms, making peace - these are the things that await you, dear. And you will find them.
@themainjane I will reply soon sorry just for now *hugs*
@AmalieAnne
No worries. I'm also sorry to hear that your system didn't react well to the medication. There are many medications that adults can take that the smaller systems in children cannot tolerate. I'm sorry this was the case for you.
Feel better soon and be grumpy if you need to! 🙂
@themainjane That sound like so much work argh
I spent most of the weekend in hospital, I am ok but it means officially I am allowed to be grumpy for the rest of the week. I kind of made that rule up but it is true for reasons. I have therapy this afternoon and I am not sure what to tell her. I was in hospital because the medication to help me stop the OCD and crying made me really poorly. So I do not think I can take that or a different one because I am not an adult or something not sure what that is about. So I guess I am a little sad that the medication is not going to help, not sure if that is silly or not. I still feel kind of poorly but not hospital poorly.
@AmalieAnne
I'm so sorry! I'm glad you're not in the hospital anymore. That must have been a little scary? I'm sorry you still don't feel totally good. Hug!!!!!!! Rest and I hope your counsleor is nice to you!!!!
@KLM3278 I really do not like hospitals they do scare me but mommy stayed with me and my best friend visited so it was ok. I just do not like that thing they put in your arm and the silly dress. *hugs* my therapist is lovely and I fell asleep when I saw her on Monday 
@AmalieAnne
I'm glad you're better! And yeah, I don't like hospitals either!
@AmalieAnne - That is a great personal rule to have! Absolutely, you get to feel however you feel. You get to make up your own rules for your well-being. Lots of social "rules" are made up anyway, we get to choose for ourselves. People will prove if they are worthwhile if they respect and support your rules. I'm sorry about being in hospital, I really hate being in hospital myself. Good luck on your medication search, maybe something will come along yet.
@wontsleepwontwake I like that rule as well I am still only allowed to be so grumpy or I get told off. I do not like lots of social rules, I guess do not kick people is kind of necessary though. There are things which are social unacceptable for someone my age to do but I do them, it kind of gets embarrassing but most people will let me do it. Grandmama wants to stop one thing but it helps so... just do not tell her I guess. I do not think I can take those kinds of medications unless I go into hospital but I do not think I will be trying them. That medication is making me feel sick and I stoppped taking it on Friday. Was kind of hoping that medicine would help but now I cannot take it, kind of frustrated I do not know if it would help.
@MKJart Hello, sorry I replied to you and then I could not find where I replied. My brain is being naughty and now I am not even sure I replied to you, well I did in my head but maybe not in typing. So I posted this on my feed because my brain could not remember you. Just I remembered something and well this is what I put in my feed thing. A clever found out it was so, so thank you for there help. I hope posting this here is ok.
Somewhere on the forum someone mentioned giving up the violin but who now plays the harp. I am really sorry I do not remember who you are and sorry I cannot find the post. Please forgive me fo that. I wanted to share something with you, it kind of religious so I hope you do not mind. Since it comes from the vision of Gabriel although I do not mean it be religious at least I do not think so. Anyhow,
"Then the angel heard and smiled again, and answered the praise with sweet music, which he struck with power from the strings of a mighty harp of gleaming gold, that I now saw he carried in his hand, so that the music rose and fell, filling all the firmament above the Earth with harmony of a wondrous kind. I heard it, and rejoiced with such exceeding gladness, that I seemed as one about to faint with the fulness of joy."
I guess because there was a sadness about you giving up playing the violin. I thought that playing the harp should be seen as being able do something amazing. Even seeing the angel Gabriel and the joy of it could not be surpassed by music. Music fills my soul with joy, with everything, it makes sense because it is wondrous and to me that is the closest I get to touching love, to feeling it. Playing the violin and I assume the harp is very difficult, it might look easy but it is not. Still, it is a gift to be able to play and if you share what you play as one day I hope to, remember it can feed the soul of others. I cannot think of a more heavenly gift.
@AmalieAnne
Thank you Amalie!! <3
I am grumpy, my bestest friend is going on vacation which is ok but it will be her birthday while she is away. The really bad part is in two parts, first I was going to go with her but now I am not allowed to for many reason. Including but not limited to my mommy being a control freak, recent stuff with the hospital and argh poop head. Secondly, she is will be 15 and I am still 13, which is NOT two years older, it is 1 year and four months. So no I am not two years younger than her just 16 months so it is not such a big deal although yes it is. She does treat me like a smaller (NOT little) sister which good because well my smelly big sister she is old, I mean really old like in her 20s old. Growing up I did not really spend a lot of time with her because I needed a lot of attention I guess and she was off doing old people stuff. So I am grumpy, would go talk to J. but I know I will say something bad and then I will just get told off. So I might learn voodoo magic things and do something to her... not to mean of course. OK that sounds really nasty still... stuff... Plus about 40 minutes ago I had a bug in my hair and she said I did not need to scream but what else was I mean to do? So I am grumpy and I was really doing so well with not being grumpy as well. In addition, yes there is more because blah I fell down the stairs yesterday but four or five. then it is my fault because well I did not go down the stairs in the way I was meant to and my hands were silly and did not stop me. Oh I was carrying something as well but that smashed, yes I know but it hurt so I guess I leart my lesson. Next time I will just throw all the pillows down the stairs first and it will not hurt.
Have I covered everything? Let's see not going with my bestest friend, it sucks being 13, my smelly sister, bug and stairs making me fall down them. I think that is everything. Oh yes someone on Saturday called me adorable which I am not and then decided to talk to me in that way you talk to a two year old. I did not kick them even though I wanted tooo.... Then we would have seen who is adorable. Adorable is a puppy! You do not go up to someone you do not know and call them adorable, that is just rude. Then I got a push on my back, the one telling me I have to reply with something because it is rude to just give them a 'I do not like you' look. So I say something and because my parents and my grandparents have/had worked at universities which means they have those stupid oldie parties with the wine and disgusting food I have a few standard replies. So I reply with one and then they say "Oh, your accent is adorable as well", I am not sure what accent I did because I honestly I was not paying attention and after they called me well that word I will telling foot not do move over and over again. I have no idea what my accent is and it is determined to remain that way.
So that is me being grumpy...
@AmalieAnne
Hi Amalie,
Totally OK to feel grumpy!!! I've been there. That talking to you like you're a baby or don't understand can feel so annoying. Sometimes the grumpy stumpies hit me and I even get grumpy with the people closest to me. Sounds disappointing to miss your best friends B-day. Maybe you can do a pre-birthday celebration with her before she leaves?
Be kind to yourself, compassionate to yourself Amalie because we all get grumpy sometimes.
@MKJart I guess it was more I did not know them and they did not even talk to me that is why it made me want to kick them. I am not so grumpy now thankfully although I do like grumpy stumpies it is better than being called grumpy bum. We did have a family meal before my bestest friend went, kind of been adopted in a weird kind of way. Just have to think of something when she comes back. If I am grumpy around her she just sits on my until I stop, it works most of the time for some reason. Please try to be kind and compassionate to you as well *hugs*
I just lot my temper, I did not use bad language or kick, I feel bad now but at least it is out, That fact it was a minor thing well... oh well I will say sorry when I have clamed down a bit
It was about daddy and that made me angry. I wanted to cut her face off or something
