My Diary place

Alone

Marcus Valerius Martialis, a Roman poet wrote, Ampliat aetatis spatium sibi vir bonus; hoc est vivere bis vita posse priore frui. In English, if I am to translate it with any value is, a good man extends his life, to live it twice. Enjoying with satisfaction in retrospect the life as he has lived. I wonder now to the uncertainty that towards my end how much satisfaction I will have of it. Common sense says when we suffer misfortune then our emotions are of sorrow, if we fear a monster real or otherwise, then it is wise to be frightened, there is little about loneliness when we are not alone. Although [William] James thought this assumption wrong, a physical or bodily manifestation does not induce our emotions, we can however have a mental state which is far more rational. He fails to explain loneliness in this context, although for me it follows what James called a destitute of emotional warmth, which in all honesty has always been filled. Has always been filled, but cannot be filled in truth by anything which is physical.

To only appear to contradict myself the physical can offer much in terms of being, to lose the person that helped not only fill, but fuel the second method is akin to the inability to draw breath. There are physical reactions to such inability but if truly experienced would it not be the emotional affects & thoughts which cause more distress, that is if death did not swiftly follow. So to this second method, within the physical realm certainty of impossibility is ultimately inevitable, in the mental realm that impossibility turns to opportunity. James said that the blind may dream of sights, but only under the condition they had previously experienced those sights. It would follow that my mind breaks that logic, that is not to speak of my ability or uniqueness, neither do I consider it so. To talk to Darwin, to argue with James, to be in another place, to be a different version of myself has always been this second method. A method that perhaps appears of too much of loneliness, although that would be a false impression.

Galton concluded in his investigation that those who were younger and more insignificant had greater power in imagination. From Jamess own work a poor visualizer said My ability to form mental images seems, from what I have studied of other peoples, to be defective and somewhat peculiar. May I always be more insignificant, less I be more defective. Recently I find entering my imaginations more difficult and with more darkness than ever before. Although it feels like the imaginations have chosen not to fill my eyes with sights, my ears with sounds, my skin with touch. The poor visualizer is correct; it is to be defective which only leaves me to be lonely. To think of it, without imagination, memory has to serve as a poor replacement for knowing those you love who are not here. Memories are frail but imagination sparks new light throwing away darkness. Perhaps you can see how the two methods are now so closely linked, at least to me.

It would be me who would disagree with a Roman poet and epigrammatist, perhaps with age, I will agree more and find more humour in his writings. For now, all I have is this very moment, all the power I have can only be used in this moment. Even the redefinition and dare I say it the re-imagination of the past can only be done here now. That is not to even speak of the future. To draw breath I would be forced to use imaginations. If I were to break a tradition of myself I would pray to not be defective, then all else would follow. My soul would again lighten by the thing I value the most and it would scare loneliness to where it belongs. Suffice it to say I bloody detest Wednesdays.

This is from London when I went to see Wicked (not in London now, somewhere warmer). The Stage before Wicked started which was amazing (not as good as Phantom of the Opera or Love never dies) but still amazing. It was a little confusing but I think I understood most of it It was really fun though

I was going to read through some other people's diaries and read some comments in the truama bit but I got scared and confused. Sometimes I worry that if I am in the truama bit then people will not say things they really need to say, other times it feels just to scary because they do say those things or if I made a comment then people will get mad at me because well I am a teen. So things are just to scary for me and a lot of things to me feel like so difficult to understand I think I will never understand it. So.... just a thought which has been in my head for a while.

Big achievement for me – I ate an apple by myself

Ok for most people that is not a big achievement and well before I kind of explain why it is. I also went to school this morning (Wednesday) and was good, maybe cried a little. Then had lunch at school but J. was there to kind of help. Mommy does things a lot differently to daddy, she wants me to try before I ask for help doing something. Which is frustrating a little because well… this is the process of me wanting to eat an apple. Warning a whole lot of cuckoo bucket head girl about to come out.

*Starts the Internal self-talk* Ok I kind want to eat an apple but I have to wash my hands first. Oh wait I have to wash the apple as well; I am not sure if apple fell into the apple cart but I am sure people have touched it, so I will have to wash it as well. What is there is a worm in it? The top of the apple looks like a belly button but it looks ok. But at the bottom of the apple looks like well I cannot tell if a worm got in there. I will not even bother looking there I can never tell. So I need a plate, wait the plate has been sitting in the cupboard so I will have to wash that as well. Then I need a knife so I can cut the apple into smaller pieces so I can check each part and make sure it is ok and there is a not a worm in it. Ok so I need to wash my hands, the apple a plate and then a knife. But if I turn the tap on any dirt or germs on my hands will be on the tap from me touching it. So how can I wash my hands and everything else then turn the tap off because if I then touch the tap, it has not been cleaned so my hands will get dirty again. Ok so I can turn the tap on, wash my hands, then wash the apple, the plate and the knife but them on the table and then turn the tap off but then how am I going to wash my hands. The dirt and germs I just put on the tap will then get back on my hands from when I put them there by turning it on. Also do I wash the apple with soap or washing up liquid. It does not say on the washing up liquid bottle the dilution rate but then again I do not want to be diluted, I want to get off. So is it 100ml of water or 5 litres, they do not tell you. Why would they not tell you. I could just use the soap it does not tell you much water you need in order to get rid of the soap but I think that kind of could tell I wash my hands a lot. But then how will I dry the apple, plate and knife. The kitchen towel but I am not sure how much bacteria there is since I do not know when it was washed and how many things it has touched. I could use kitchen roll (the paper/tissue one) but then that is a waste. Also I would need to clean the table, I am not allowed to even touch the bleach but use the anti-bacteria spray to clean the table, then put three pieces of kitchen roll on it. Then as I wash each item I could put them on the table. I still have to work out how to wash my hands. *A few more minutes later* If it did fall into the apple cart why did it fall, maybe someone picked it. Do they still use carts; not sure they do. Ok I could put a chair next to the worktop, turn the tap on wash everything put it on the table, dry it and then I would have a clean apple on a plate and knife. Then I could wash my hands again, then climb onto the chair then onto the worktop, then turn the tap off with my foot. I would have to use my elbows not my hands. Wait I think I would get told off if I did that. I am not sure how to do it…. *tries not to scream* I am going to go find mommy.

This is not verbatim

Me: Mommy I think I wanted to eat an apple but I do not think I can.
Mommy: Did you try?
Me: Yes, I wanted to scream.
Mommy: Ok monkey go sit at the table
*I go sit at the table*
Me: I have not washed my hands recently
Mommy: That is ok, your hands are clean.
*mommy puts the apple on the table with no plate or knife*
Me: Is the apple dirty and need washing?
Mommy: No, it is fine to eat as it is
Me: Does it have a worm in it?
Mommy: Nope, it does not.
Me: Ok thank you
*I can now eat the apple, it is safe*

I have rules about what foods must be eaten at the table, an apple is an eat it at the table food. Do not ask what happens when I finish the apple. But this time I gave myself three minutes to do all the self-talk and then somehow at the end of the three minutes sat at the table and eating an apple. It is a big step for me. I am not saying all the spoons, knives and forks in the cutlery draw do not have to facing the same direction and be the right way up, lets not go that far. But I think today was a big step. At the start of the year I would ask daddy if I could eat an apple and he would say yes, so I would sit at the table. Daddy would cut the apple into pieces and then put it on a plate. Then I would eat each piece which a fork. I sound crazy I know but today I feel like I have really achieved something. At least if you read to this point you do not think I am all that cuckoo bucket head girl. About two years ago someone told me a story of man who lived in New York and he was using the toilet but then a rat climbed up the pipes and bite him on the bottom. Then the man closed the toilet lid but the rat tried to get out. In the end the man had to kill the rat. This story might have been just made up but it was long time after I heard that before I went to the bathroom by myself. Even now it goes through my mind when I sit on the toilet. Still, today I can both sit on the toilet and also eat an apple by myself, plus I went to school this morning. I deserve a candy cane… ok starts internal self-talk… only joking, it is there one but today is proud I ate an apple by myself week.

My sleeping has been rather chaotic at the moment because I have been worrying about a few things. One, a major one, is that I feel stuck in the middle of conflict between telling the truth and hurting mommy. She has been worried recently, she always plays with her necklace when she has worried and I know at work there are a few changes. Still, when I ask her she does not want to tell me and I have not pushed her simply because I feel so disloyal (maybe the wrong word) to her because of the much larger conflict in which I need to defend daddy. Which means that I am trying to not get upset along with controlling eating and all that OCD stuff. I am not doing a good job because I really cannot hide stuff very well. I am not sure how I kept the abuse stuff secret, the number of times I just wanted to tell her while it was happening. If I told her maybe a different outcome would have happened. I said sorry to her a while ago and then started crying, then mommy said I never need to be sorry then she started crying. Now I am starting to cry… so… I tell her every day that I love her. She still looks like my first memory of her like an angel and she is so clever. I want to be like her and I think I want to be a linguistic (daddy) anthropologist (mommy) although I might change my mind. I guess what I am saying is that I do not want to hurt mommy by telling her things.

One of the minor worries is school which I went to yesterday (just about). I really do not know why it is so difficult, it is just I get scared for no reason. It is getting easier though. Yesterday morning, I was kind of scared and lost in my head, so mommy did some witchcraft on me or just clever stuff. I am not sure I remember it all because I was trying to do it. We sat on the floor and then I did a body scan thing which my eyes closed and tried to explain what my body was feeling. Then we did some silly things like massaging our own heads and trying to turn around while sitting. It was kind of weird and difficult to explain. It helped though, when we finish I felt more here. Less away from my body, if that makes any sense. I think mommy was the one to got me to shake myself like when a doggy gets wet and she comes in, that kind of shake. It does help not sure how but it does. So I went to school in the car with my bestest friend and her mommy feeling more able to do it and only a little bit scared. See how clever mommy is. I think school will get easier but my teacher who is lovely and kind wants me to do some sports stuff. I got to work out how to get out of that but for the moment school makes me tired and I fall asleep on the way home after lunch. I really do not like sport things and if I do them then how am I meant to grow taller with the sport things using my growing energy. I will work out a better argument.

Anyhow, that is it!

I have been measured and I HAVE GOT TALLER YAY!!!!!!!!!

All the milkshakes and food has worked. I am now 1.7cms taller, that is 17mm or 0.7 inchs when rounded up and of course that is 18,000,000 Nanometers. I can now go on rides that have a height limit within cheating because I am now just above 140cms. I mean if I want to that is. It is rude to ask me my wieight but my BMI is 16.8 which is in the healthy range.

I have to do 'projects' or well.. it is better if I do them. So I came up with some theoritcal principles of an A.I. that could be developed to minic the human brain and thus when giving the A.I. some damage it helps to test neuroplasticity withing hurting humans and removing some of the problems knowing this in humans. I did not sit at the table so I am hoping it is somewhat readable. I do not know much about the subject either.

Oh my God I just found out what my birthday present is and it is amazing, so so so amazing. On Tuesday granny and granddad are coming here to Canada land for the first time and I miss them so so much I really cannot want. Best birthday present ever and I checked this visit does not replace any Christmas visit. Mommy was not going to tell me unit later but I kind of had the worst possible morning at school yesterday, in the world so kind of needed it. Kind of crying a little. My granny and granddad are going to be here and I get them mostly all to myself. I think they might go see daddy but I did not ask mommy about that. Will ask granddad when he gets here. I get to talk to them on the phone and on the skype thing but it is not the same and I get kind of scared so it is difficult to say the words correctly. But when they are here I can go slower and if I can spell the word I can just sign it. Quite often I do not know how to spell it but still I am better talking when the person real. I only pasted the first exam for British sign language, then failed to second one because I could not spell. Any how, that is not important.

I love everyone in my family even smelly Izzy and my family includes anyone I love so that is a lot of people. I am so glad that granny will be here even though she kind of treats me like a baby some of the time. Still, she can make things safe for me, not sure how to explain it better but when we lived with them. She did the worrying for me without it kind of being a thing we talked about because she knew the things which were worrying me. I could just talk to her as well and sometimes it is nice just to be the baby as well. She is the second best person to give baby cuddles and she will get mad if you try to talk to me or anything. That is a rules of a baby cuddle. Also I know she will look after mommy so I do not have to worry so much, not sure I do a good job of that although I try my best. So granny will be doing those things and oh my god I missed living with them so much. I learnt how to cook cakes because granny, I mean I always burn them when she is not here so it is a thing we have to do together. So I get my granny so that is amazing.

Then also granddad who is just granddad with lots of granddadness. He is the only grown up that will make us both get told off. When we lived with him I would ask him to take me to school because then I did not have to wear those stupid shoes with the colours on the bottom of them. They hurt so I would wear normal shoes that worked or he would carry me then just put the stupid shoes on at school. He is such a silly and when we play games he will let me win or I will let him win depending on who you talk to about it. So one of them is from a BBC radio programme. So I say something like, people should eat their food with a knife and fork. Then he says I could not disagree more… then give silly reasons why we should use our feet or something. He is also really good to talk to because he knows my language which is just mixed up and he never gets mad ever. Not seen him angry once ever! He is amazing at bedtime stories but I have to talk to him about quite a few things. Maybe he will go to school with me on Wednesday, I mean he would get told off in about 2 seconds. I am not sure but I am happy he will be here.

They will come on Tuesday then on Sunday (hopefully late) they are going to another part for a visit of something (not sure what). Really cannot wait.. might make them stay here. Just so happy I get to see them and it is an amazing present, the best

Trigger about bad stuff and me being angry

I just want to hit something, to be angry is easier to work out than whatever I am feeling right now. Do not get confused, I am loved & carded for, to stand in opposition of it is a simple contradiction in viewing my perspective. Tell me of justice, that for at least the last thousand years, our collective stupidity has not resolved criminality, so why do so many believe in such an imbecilic concept. There are two ways, the first is to redefine our society which in the face of truth will not happen without forming corruption of its motive. The second is to allow me the victim to assign blame and punishment which is to assume the Gillick principle stands in my case. So let me redefine justice in the way it should be seen, Justice is freedom from being a victim or perpetrator of crime. It is simple and to the point Moreonium truth, for when a crime is already done, it should be seen as failure of us all. Still, we are stuck in the same imbecilic concept which is useless at providing justice.

For those crimes against me concern only one other person than myself, mommy. It is not for the police, a judge or anyone else to put their standard upon me. They have already failed and now they sit in judgement of daddy. In fact, almost everyone sits in judgement viewing my father as inherently bad when they have FAILED not only today, but every day when belief in the absurd senseless notion of this is how it is done and will always be done, from a place of judgement. Lets hang the witches disregard our own logic. Oh course I am not saying what happened to me was right, it was not and it should have been stopped, but does my own viewpoint provide no reason for further discourse? Does it not help to rebuild rather than destroy? Can we stop killing the witches and start to be more open and honest, let people with sexually inappropriate feelings, admit them and be helped before lives are torn to pieces. NO because the world is full of imbeciles and that stupidity will just carry on.

Now I am angry, which is a little better… If one more person insults my father, I will break their bloody legs. So back off and stop assuming you have the right to judge. You do not and if you do judge as most do, know you do not know my compassion. After all considerations, this punishment is done in my name with failure to understand me.

If I left it like that it would be wrong. That is how I feel but is not targeting any one person, it just speaks of my frustration. To make it right and if there was one day when you see music like I do perhaps would be a good thing to see unfolding around you https://youtu.be/bYE9uDu9aJ8

Been kind of Fairy Crazy at the moment... so..