Ramblings 3

I am sure Ihave said it before and will probably say it again, this d*** fly is telling me I still stinky.

That definitely wasn’t the intention of that opening remark but the fly message bombed me.

I have been through way too many changes the last few years, especially this year. Especially recently. With my anxieties and issues these changes have wreaked havoc on me. It seems that the changes are going to continue.

I have been struggling a bit with the possibility of some kind of home care person, whether it’s only for physical therapy or anything else, I am really uncomfortable with them in my house. I am a very private person plus my social anxiety issues and other things. I’m not too sure about this situation.

I invite them in my home and they can overreact to my depression and anxieties and try to think admitting me to a hospital is the best thing, which it is not.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning sweetie ❤ you need to get one of those electric bats, I have one and you just hold it in the air till the fly comes close and zzzzzapppp! This carehome is like a old mansion, surrounded by the huge garden, so yeah summer brings a good amount of flies😝 you have more showers than anyone else who was in your situation would, I'm very proud of you for that ❤ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami carers and change in your future, I know you've always been afraid of. Let's hope it doesn't come to that yet ❤ and if you need looking after whilst you recover, it's gonna be ok. It's not forever ok ❤ plus there's no point in worrying until it happens ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤ everything is gonna be ok ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I've almost finished my coffee, so I'm gonna be on and off here, trying to do things inbetween talking to you ❤ I found out that the big beautiful moon the other day is called hunters moon 😁 the next one is the harvest moon. I bought joshuas Xmas present, and it looks so much fun, I bought myself one too😁 it's a remote control car ❤ I wish I could buy you a magic wand, that really works, and you can use it for anything and as much as you like ❤

Glancing towards the window and the darkness has settled outside just like it is inside me.

I have been sleeping off and on it seems like for quite awhile. I feel like I haven’t slept at all. The darkest of thoughts still have a strong hold.

@Tinywhisper11

❤️Even though my mind is consumed in the darkest of thoughts . I still hope you are ok. I hope all of our friends and family here are ok. ❤️

❤️Hugging you with the love I have for you emanating from my arms. ❤️I love you ❤️

Sunshine is glaring in my windows. It makes me wonder why I can’t see the beauty in it that All of you see. I can’t ever remember seeing the beauty in life. This wonder that I have is not being stated due to the darkest of thoughts controlling my thoughts. I wonder this when I am not trapped under them.

With this excessive fatigue and the haze or fog that seems to surround everything, I don’t know what the purpose of even getting out of bed is anymore. I know my mind doesn’t register the good things or positive things. Everything has continued to pile on and the only thing that has been my go to thread of thought is in regards to friends and family here. I don’t want to disappoint them by letting the fatigue consume me.

I think the next surgeon appointment is getting close. It would probably be a good idea to look at the calendar and verify. I suppose I will see what happens then and see how much longer before any chance of relief of this latest physical impediment will be.

Living life from one medication dosage to the next, 6 hour bursts.

@Tinywhisper11

❤️I love you ❤️