Ramblings 3

I have just woke up from the second old geezer nap since the last message. When I wake up from these naps, I feel so drained, so out of it. I know for the last couple of years for sure that these short sleep periods are normal. And even when I am really lacking on rest I haven’t felt , like this upon waking up. As far as this last sleep period , I don’t remember dreaming. I don’t think I did anyway because I think I really sweat for some reason when I dream. I never documented it or anything, but I know some of my most recent conglomeration of dreams/nightmares, I woke up remembering nearly every detail. At least for a short while after waking.

I don’t remember beyond a couple years ago. I barely remember much of anything anymore. I have tried really hard to focus enough to grasp onto a thread or two of thoughts, and if I can continue to focus/concentrate, I try to “force” a topic to find. If I am successful in doing that I then put pen to paper so to speak , I try and relax as best as I can and let myself fall back into the fog or haze I am living in. And I let the thoughts flow, well dribble with my slow skills with writing here. I try not to glance back at what I am actually writing other than trying to check spelling and autocorrect mistakes.

After I am finished , I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. I don’t understand why I am exhausted physically, but I am.

Sometimes I go back and read those writings, other times I don’t. So I am not sure how much sense, or what topics or memories I wrote down here. But that isn’t much different than anything else I write here.

My responses to questions, requires a lot of effort to focus. I try very hard to find the answers to any and all questions. Sometimes it seems more difficult to remember something from 10 minutes ago than it is 40 years ago. Not often but periodically.

It seems like the things that I try to keep at the forefront of my thoughts, the things I finally have that I feel are very important to remember, it seems like those things are the most frustrating and aggravating things to not remember.

Actually I believe that all of those things revolve around my friends here. Complete names, all of the things that they have shared with me, including the general areas of the world they are from. The most important is the names and their part of this community that they have created for themselves. I never seem to remember their areas at all. I remember partial names usually but not complete ones. That is frustrating because I don’t get to reach out to them and read some of their writings. I also can’t reach out in my own writings because I don’t remember their name.

I’m drained❤️

The geezer naps , are they a blessing or a curse. Granted, I am stranded in bed and I can’t do a whole lot of anything. But I feel like a remotely controlled robot that Tiny has the on/off switch part of and she rewired it so I randomly doze off for short bursts.

I think I have mentioned here before that I play dvds for background noise. I don’t know why I do it …. I am not a fan of people, and the social anxiety thing as well. But the voices maybe, the voices in the background yet in the same room. Trying to take the edge off being alone maybe. Which could be why I don’t choose the radio. Because the radio is mainly singing or something supposedly called singing or commercials, possibly news which mainly is reminder’s of the worst issues in society.

The talking and various aspects of that thing supposedly relating to life. Maybe that is my effort at pretending I am not as alone as I actually am. I don’t know why it matters enough to write here.

I was laying here just staring at the tv like I do a lot. The flashing lights and the multiple noises attract me to make it seem like I am actually watching and paying attention to what is going on on the screen.

Anyway, there was something happening on screen that actually attracted my focus a little and kind of triggered a possible memory. There was someone sitting at a table with a box containing an unassembled model car in their hands. They were just sitting there staring at it then they started pulling the pieces out of the box and laying them out on the table. I watched that and got this weird feeling and then multiple pictures in my mind of what appeared to be me doing the same thing on many different models. I then saw them all finished and sitting on shelves and other surfaces. None of them seemed to be painted or anything, just fully glued together. Then I got a brief video clip or something of me throwing them all away in a trash bag along with some papers or pictures off the walls.

I’m kind of gathering from that , that I, at some point must have liked putting them together and then something caused me to throw a tantrum and get rid of them all straight into the trash. I am not sure if that is true. But if it is, I would have to lean towards that to have happened in my early years possibly pre-teen or early teen years.

I’m also getting pictures of a long wall with a bunch of pictures of I think about 4 different people, 3 girls and me. I think that there is only one picture of me , yet multiple pictures of the others. All of them appear to be individual pictures, no group or “family” pictures.

Nothing else is coming forth in regards to the picture wall.

I am drained again.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami goodmorning sweetie ❤❤ that's a good memory, you building things ❤ those model car/plane kits look really hard, little you was very clever 🙂 pictures of 3 other girls, sisters maybe? 

weekness in your arms is gonna happen, your practically bed ridden🙁 and the amount of pain your in, it's draining both physically and mentally, it takes a lot out of you. So feeling tired, I think that's normal ❤ I'm sorry there will be noone at the hospital with you😥 with millions of people in this world, I often wonder why we let so many go lonely🙁 it's very sad, and such a horrible thing to feel. 🙁

@Iamwhoiamwhoami todays date 17th October, Thursday😁 maybe Wednesday where you are

I've been awake since 1am and my carer took me outside at 1:30 to see the sky. It didn't look like the middle of night. It was kinda lit up by the full moon😁 and there was layers and layers of pure white clouds, then black behind. It was almost like a animated sky😍 it was so pretty ❤

Then I've been learning how to do origami😁 I made a heart and butterfly

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

I actually think that I slept for about three hours if not a bit more. I woke up and a short while later I fell asleep for a couple hours more. I took all my medications but now I am experiencing extreme pain that I can’t seem to minimize. Actually sick to my stomach again as well. My temperature is normal, yet I’m hot and cold at the same time. My weakness in my arms is still getting worse.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami YYY I know I haven't been around much lately, sorry about that ❤. It takes me twice as long to do things now, and to beat the frustration of being almost completely paralysed, I'm finding little things to do, keep me occupied. How's the weather over with you now?? Anymore snow and hail stones??

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm just drinking my tea, getting ready to relax, can barely keep my eyes open🙂 ❤ I love you the mostest ❤

I’m not sure exactly what all I am feeling, other than the intense pain that won’t let up and the normal darkest of thoughts. This extreme muscle fatigue and the plain mental and physical fatigue I already was experiencing is …. Don’t know, all boiling together inside me, This overwhelmed feeling seems to somehow rapidly increasing? Or something. Not sure of how to describe it.

My physical strength to get out of bed is getting weaker as well. How much longer can I do this. I am not sure but I think the next appointment is in approximately a week? Then however long until surgery.

I’m not sure how to use my muscles in any form of exercise beyond what little I barely am able to with the extreme pain it brings.

The pain is draining me too much.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami your appointment is 7 days away I think. You've held in this far, you can do it ❤ I know the despair grows thicker with each day that passes, with each new health issue that pops up. But your a miracle, and your gonna get back to your normal self real soon ❤ my exercises I do with my carers (it's really physiotherapy) is just gentle stretches and movements of my arms, head and shoulders. It keeps me stronger, and beats the complete paralysis for a little longer🙂 ❤ and believe me, I wouldn't hesitate to take your pain away either ❤❤ I love you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ you can get through this ❤