Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami šš yep same culpritššš little runt ā¤ he's so precious. But I'm gonna have to think of another plan. So that's what I'm gonna go work on after my coffeeš their all out playing at the moment ā¤
how are you doing, this day must just being up so much memories for youš I'm here for you ā¤ any specific feelings??
@Tinywhisper11
I am the same as I always am. No specific feelings at the moment. Kind of been in a blah mood all day. Kind of moving on autopilot lately.ā¤ļøā¤ļø
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugs you tightly ā¤ I know this surgery is taking a long time, a long time for you to be stuck in this situationš but it will be all over with soon. Maybe by new year we will both be healthy again ā¤ā¤ have you ever made (or can remember making) any new years resolutions??
@Tinywhisper11
I doubt that I will be but youā¦. You very are capable of accomplishing that. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
I donāt know if I ever did, but I am pretty sure that I didnāt., that is another holiday? That I donāt really participate in. But thatās just me, I am the grinch when it comes to celebrations.
I suppose grinch might not be the exact term to use but thatās all I can think of. I have no issues with anybody and everybody celebrating whatever they want . I just have no desire to participate.
I have wondered if you and twist and helga and the rest of our friends here were physically able to get together if I would be able to stay and participate. I know that will never happen, but a girl can dream right?
@Tinywhisper11
Like I said, autopilot. I meant to write that I can dream .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yes that would be a dream come true ā¤ and of course you would be part of it ā¤ā¤ that's why you gotta get betterš your in charge of pushing me aroundāæāæ no down hill please
Iām still scared of going through this surgery, much less the possibility of a second surgery. I know that you are all with me . I just canāt get that appointment out of my thoughts.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami would it help to think about all the things that would fall in place and feel right after your surgery goes well?Ā
@BlueDarkAurora
I try to think that , then my wonderful outspoken mind reminds me that more than likely I will undergo another surgery for the right side.And of course then pushes the agenda of all the bad that could happen.
I try to think those types of things, I truly do. I have very few times that I seem to have been able to hit the temporary override so that I have some say in my thoughts.
As much as I have adapted to my scenario over the years, my brain has done the same. Just like two lifelong enemies in the movies, how they adapt to each otherās behaviors over the years, so has my mind and I have done with each other.
@BlueDarkAurora
I wish I could say things in just a few words, maybe it would be easier to understand what I mean.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hmm more words are helpful sometimesĀ
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I believe you ^-^ Also your brain, your thoughts and you are all one. I hope life starts to treat you gently so that you can see that you're the only one in control. It's hard now and ofcourse it feels like the mind works against us, it's understandable that negativity feels familiar when negativity is all that the mind has known for a long time. We all change and I hope you be able to see many more positive changes in your life :) <3
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's a very scary thing to have to go throughš it's normal to be scared, but with the recent surgeon trauma,and your moron'ness it's gonna be extra scary for you š but yes we are all here with you ā¤ this appointment will be different, your gonna get a great doctor, who's very skilled at his/her job. And your gonna be ok ā¤ do you know what scares you the most, or is it just alot of emotions??
@Tinywhisper11 not emotions.. I mean a lot of thoughts*
@Tinywhisper11
I take it youāre referring to the surgery. If so , I think itās the whole thing. The surgery itself scares me , thanks to the ever knowledgeable surgeon that made sure I was aware of every single possible thing that could go wrong.
Iām scared of the rest because Iām going to be there all alone. Yes, you and the others will be there in mind and spirit. But when I open my eyes and look around and I see nobody there, then I close my eyes and try and picture you and the rest of the group, then I open my eyes and nobodyās there again. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hugging you tightly ā¤
This sleep more through the day and not at night is maddening. But it does match the darkness I live in on the inside, to glimpse out the window and only see the dark confuses me at times.
If I see the dark when my eyes are closed and when they are open, does that mean my darkness has expanded its realm? But that canāt be because of Tiny, Twist, Blue, Amiable, Helga, Working and so many others , that have tried to ensure that I am surrounded in the warm light.,
Again, ramblings on autopilot. Not sure what it means but just words that came to mind and I just put down here with minimal thought.
Even my thoughts used to have a kind of schedule. Back when I was still working. I at least had a general idea of what to expect from my mind. Now that I have been off work for almost three months, Iām almost feel like Iām losing what little grip I had on anything at all.
I have no real control over anything in my life. Ok, I have the control to get up and go to the bathroom, to the mailbox, to the kitchen for food, crawl back to bed and all of those involve the control to put myself through agonizing pain to accomplish those tasks.
My future as far as my body and job are concerned is in the hands of a surgeon who I donāt know, who I will meet once then schedule surgery and be forced to ātrustā them to cut me open and work on my spine.
Didnāt we just have a rough discussion about trust?
I am laying here, and I donāt know what day of the week it is and even the month slips my mind a lot lately. The haze of my life . Literally living in a fog or haze.
I donāt understand my muscle weakness. For example, I am using my phone to write this, and yes it takes me a hundred times longer than most people to write what I do, but my arms are struggling to hold my phone up. Yet, I could get up and hobble over to a case of water and lift it up. I would be in agonizing pain but my arms wouldnāt be like this. Granted I wouldnāt be holding that case up for very long. My phone doesnāt weigh hardly anything.
That is happening with the rest of my body as well. My fat body is proof that I am not a bodybuilder, or vegan or cholesterol counter, or whatever. I despise exercise in its actual form. But if I thought I could do something about it without aggravating the pain I probably would do something related to exercise.
Noā¦ I donāt think I would. I am about honesty and I donāt think I would exercise. I have become the epitome of laziness. The weight gain over the time I have been off work, even with the no desire to eat and the times of being nauseous and knots in my stomach, that gain has been massive. The only explanation is between this fog I am constantly in and the brain flickers I must be eating a lot more than I realize.
Focus completely lostā¤ļø
This ocd or whatever it is , definitely sucks. Laying here looking at this semi disorganized mess. Iāve been trying to organize things in storage containers and labeling them. I would like to say that this is all because of my brain flickers. That would be somewhat untrue. I think I have been attempting to accomplish this for a lot of years. Between my work and my depression and other issues, plus I have an underlying phrase that plays in my mind, āwhatās the pointā, I have failed to accomplish that task. I have tried to do a little bit of this but I barely get started and the pain takes over and drags me back to bed.