I’m still stuck No where to go no one to be with
Sorry if too negative. What is the meaning of a life with no one in it? My kids are definitely not interested in chatting with me. One does it out of duty only. She’s introverted and prefers alone time, doing nothing l The other is suicidal herself. Neither of them want to participate in life. My ex husband is no role model and cares only of himself.
There is also a new rift between me and my siblings. My empty life clashes with theirs. Sister cut me out entirely. Brother has no real issues and plugging away into retirement without a care or worry….his wife is non stop planning and spending. It’s hard for me to participate and see them living full lives.
After 10 years divorced and still alone I see that I will not have anyone in my daily life. As an introvert and socially awkward, I rarely go out. I can’t get into my old hobbies like I did. I am realizing I was motivated by doing for others, and now there is no it’s like I have no purpose. I have tried reframing my expectations, to go on in life for myself. It’s not clicking. I don’t do anything. I’m not motivated to do anything. Ive lost spirit after working through life and lost everything I worked for.
I don’t see how it’s possible to start an entire new outlook at this point. So much history affecting me in depressing ways.
I am tired of saying I don’t know what to do to make myself better, or to live alone. What the *** kind of set up am I dealing with that i cannot get out of a rut after a decade?
@SparklySeas49
It happens to more people then we realize ...
I feel moms especially have lived for others did not seek hobbies or Passions for themselves... then when kids get older or our marriage does not last we are alone.... not knowing what to do.. when we get comfortable in our rut... we make do ...we do not climb out instead just make it our home.
how to get out differs but my feeling is it takes a bold action and being a bit selfish and that is OK ...it feel weird for us to do as we have always put others first.
@toughTiger6481 I agree, as women we often take on the care giver role. I actually had hobbies and passions i kept up too, played piano, crocheting, crafts, gardening. After my divorce the kids were teens and not interested in visiting me. My heart broke some. After multiple losses the grief took away joy i think. Dunno why I can’t pick up and carry on.
@SparklySeas49
It sounds like a sad picture of our entire existence:
We start our adult lives with plans and ambitions. Then we think...
That our education and professional career are everything.
That our own business and bank account are everything.
That our first marriage (presumed to be the only one and last forever) is everything.
That being a caring parent is everything.
That being a devoted grandparent is everything (though this option seems to be still less and less likely nowadays).
And then... End of story? Was it all?
I think it is not.
How do you think, what do you need: Meeting some new people, taking on new activities, or just to love someone and feel loved?
I believe life is not only about the targets, but as well about the landscapes, tastes or smells. About the birds chirping in the park. About the morning coffee with some good reading. About watching how the sun rises on an autumn day or being enchanted seeing the sky full of stars for the millionth time...
For me quite an important thing has been coming to a question "who am I?", or actually "who I was?" before all this began: my jobs, my relationships, becoming a parent, being responsible for other persons. What is the place I belong? What are the people there like?
Also, the lonely time has been an opportunity to me to see the movies I heard of for years, but never had a chance to watch, or to read books I had no idea they would ever exist.
I think one of the nicest ideas to meet some people and have a nice activity is volunteering. That does not require either any perfect look or any great income level, giving speeches, being someone important or buying any expensive things to be accepted as "member of the tribe". That's enough to be fairly human...
@jacek73 your bullets on our initial beliefs and goals are quite relevant.
@SparklySeas49
It sounds like you are looking for being someone special to someone special, and that is very much understandable to me.
But can't you be happy with some of your favourite music or eating some cheese cake (or apple pie) when such a person is not (yet) around?
Does it feel like a need of closeness, intimacy and connection you ignored for a long time is now the one returning with a double strength?
My "bullet list" was about how we tend to put all our eggs into a single basket. It was about the right balance. And a healthy relationship, I believe, is an extra value in our lives, but not a magic wand that makes suddenly everything makes sense. Unfortunately, there are many people in relationships who still feel unhappy, not valuable or depressed.
@jacek73 ah the lesson of all eggs in one basket. yeah was told that i did that over 30 years ago. Lol. With friends, and here I am again struggling with the same…relationships. After contemplation can say if I had the capacity to extend myself to maintaining a larger diversity i think I would have. Dunno. I do give myself grace for ending up where my actions squarely put me. I did the best I could. I still am. Yet our best isn’t always enough. We are not guaranteed anything in life, yet certainly have to face our realities whatever may rise. Regardless of our intentions reality can be distasteful.
Do you blame the gambler for risking and losing all their money when it is a known psychological addiction that they would need superhuman powers to beat? My point is, our brains are what they are. It’s not an inherent ability to outwit our fundamental base processing despite knowing the dangers. At least that’s my belief after much contemplation.
My dear, I think this must be very sad. I hope you can find the joy in life. I mean, the fulcrum of life – when was the last time you felt a sense of accomplishment? When was the last time you felt ‘doing this really makes me happy’? I think it's important to find the joy in life, and it's okay to just listen to music and watch TV. After that, you can try to make friends through your hobbies – even if they're just online friends. Try to make your life fulfilling, that's the meaning of your life.@SparklySeas49
@Megalodon123 thanks mega I have been through several health issues over these years, so I wasn’t in any good place to accomplish… in fact it was years of losses. Grief and trauma were the plot. There were certainly small wins…few and far between. And I certainly improved from the lowest points. I try to acknowledge those points, to drill in to my psyche.
@SparklySeas49 It's okay, let's take it step by step. I'm also facing a lot of problems. The problem with young people is that they want to solve a lot of things, but they don't have the ability to change, so they can only take things step by step.
@SparklySeas49 I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I think the holidays also make this feeling even more pronounced. I too am in a similar situation....recovering from brain surgery, divorced (ex hubby is living his best life now and not have to bother with my surgery recover), my son is grown (teen who is hardly seen)...I was in a, 18month long distance relationship with a guy I met online but he broke it off the day after my birthday earlier this month (after forgetting my birthday by the way, he decided he wants someone closer to home). Now I too am wondering, where does one fit in and find this connection that seemingly comes so natural to others. We don't set out to be alone, we give what we think is our best to people...people who then decide that they're happier without us around...and we have done nothing to provoke.
@Caribcallie so true, I have seen the same. And I’m sorry you are having these heart aches. My philosophy has taken a 180 turn. What I thought was the point purpose or goal in early adulthood was not… it was a facade. So now that I know this I m having to regroup and restructure. Not the best time when your body is aging with memory and eye sight losses. LOL. Cripes the technology is thwarting my progress! I think a lot of us find regular hardships. Some are better working in a team. Others are completely independent so they will thrive regardless of who is with them. While we are living alone we learn which we are. Best of luck!
@SparklySeas49 With all do respect. You and I are from different paths and Im sorry if my advice doesnt help but the ony way anyone else can make you happy is if you do it frst. Do/ find what you love: painting, hiking, playing and instrument, wtv. Get in touch with religion/ spirituality. Meditation, and finding your inner peace. Approach all situations positively and try methods to deal with negative thoughts
To challenge with negative thought you must first ask the following:
Is this thought based on fact or feeling/assumption?
What evidence do you have to support this thought?
How is this thought affecting me emotions and behavior?
What are th long-term consequences of holding onto this thought?
How might someone else view this situation?
What would I say to a friend who had these thoughts?
Also practice th R.A.I.N method:
Recognize what is happening: The first step to healing is realizing something is wrong.
Allow experiences to be there, just as is: Nothing heals the past like time.
Investigate with interest and care: Ask "Why do I feel this way?" "I feel ___ but I know I am ___" "What can i do to feel better?"
Nurture with self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and focus on your self healing. Take a break from things that may distract you from getting better.
I hope these are helpful, and if they aren't, I'm so sorry! T^T
@WateriiYogurtt this sounds very clinical. I have gone through the drills of much of those points you make. Im not new to therapy …been around the block and so on. They are still relevant and worthwhile, though I can’t say life changing. Negativity is admittedly a repellant. Im aware of what helps and what hinders. The people i see getting rewarded in life have behaviors that don’t come easily to me. Im not even sure those behaviors are worthy, so much as they are just more acceptable by our current defined society. For the most part, we must depend on ourselves to live as we see which is forthright. One would hope that would bring its rewards, but I can’t say that life works that way. I was the nice one, the flexible one, the intermediary, the empathetic… Ive learned these are not winning in the game of Life. I see the selfish are winning. Just my perspective which may be biased.
Thank you to everyone for sharing their views on this post , which I hold dearly as I can relate too, so it’s nice to know I’m not alone feeling this way. Ss a woman all I’ve ever done or I should say my aim in life was only and always to make my family looked after, my kids, my mum, my husband, in laws and brother even to an extent… then after putting everyone first there’s no energy left to look after myself. And sometimes I’m left feeling what the point in life is. When all you do, often is misunderstood as you keep quiet to keep the peace. Or you’re still criticised when all you have done is look after others. That there’s nothing left for myself… Then again there’s the saying, you keep quiet to keep the leave but start a war inside of you. And that’s so true.
Yet, I. A foresee my future being in a similar story ending. Once the kids have grown up, I’ll get a divorce, and have lost an entire career by being a housewife to support my family and will likely be lost in life. But that’s my choice. I’d rather get a divorce than have to oblige to living the rest of my life when I’m fighting a war inside of me.
@Greentrees2325 bingo. It’s a tough lesson, i think many of us were blindsided by. I too decided to divorce rather than live in emotional abuse, while I worked hard round the clock doing the right things for everyone. The best I can hope is that the kids were done right by me. Then once they are launched, yes it is up to us to go on living as we did before parenting. What was that? Who was that? LOL. If youre an extrovert you will likely find many outlets and places to gain fulfillment. If you are awkward and self conscious you might hole up like me, and have to learn that solitude is really a reprieve from the hurts of society. Even a new partner companion can bring headaches and disagreements. I get to sleep and eat and entertain as i desire. Self care is the principle. I am teaching my young adult children to put their own need before anyone else, including me and their dad and grandparents. I was not taught that and i have suffered from the hard realities…that everyone, including family, will suck the life from you and kick you to the curb.
Thank you for your reply 🙏🏻 ❤️ it means a lot.
Me and you have a lot in common, I feel like we would understand each other if we were to have a nice chat.
You are definitely teaching your kids the right thing 👏 thank you for sharing. I will take that in board and teach my kids the same. I don’t expect anything from them in return, I just want them to be happy, independent adults who can look after themselves and be a good soul.
@Greentrees2325 i agree we can take comfort in sharing similar situation with each other. A direct chat is fine with me! For this holiday do what makes you happy!!
Also, despite my sacrifices, nobody understands, not even my brother or mum… sometimes I feel so lonely in life.
@Greentrees2325 im sorry you’re feeling this way too. I can’t explain why it goes this way, as Ive said the exact same thing about my mom, my brother and even my sister. Theyve no idea what I’ve been through. Empathy is rare. It’s not necessarily their fault.
Find your tribe. We can certainly relate!
I totally understand. It isn’t their fault. We live in a complicated world, where I guess relationships are our lifeline, yet it’s such a complicated labyrinth to navigate. We put everyone’s needs first and it’s no wonder why we are lacking in ourselves, because we haven’t checked in to fill in our own emotional tank. Sometimes it would mean a lot if somebody understood me.
If you want we can find a way to keep in touch x
I wish you all the best xx
Just to add to that, I think it’s hard for some people to understand others sometimes because everyone comes from different walks in life and no can really wear someone else’s shoes…
I hope you find meaning and enjoyment in life ❤️ 🙏🏻
@Greentrees2325 agreed. Our personal experiences shape our consciousness, and it’s an extended act to envision other people’s consciousness. My brother was always the most kindest gentlest person, he became my favorite human being in the world…but when it came to supporting my needs in a completely opposite life experience…man does he suck! And weve said so much to each other. We admit that we don’t understand each other, …and I think isn’t that typical of human nature across the board. But he still tries, i don’t know how or even why. We just hugged again last night.
Was half way into replying your message when I found that I couldn’t write on as it’s getting too emotional for me, sorry. Will reply another time.
Btw, it’s so sweet you and your bro hugged it out. 👍
@Greentrees2325
Was it a sacrifice, or a gift?
I am sorry, but a sacrifice sounds to me like choosing to be a victim, strongly neglecting my needs and boundaries, or putting dollars into some magic box and expecting gold in return.
I am sorry - that is not related to you - but when I see the word "sacrifice" the first image that comes to my mind is my mom. She was never happy with her life, even more when she chose to marry too young someone drinking and abusive. She was constantly nervous, yelling at me and my brother, calling us ugly names, beating us. Also a terrible cook. But on her every birthday she expected from us "the best mom in the world" kind of cult. I would prefer her to be happier than to sacrifice.
A gift is something you can afford, and giving that you expect completely nothing in return. Like we don't expect our children to be grateful to us for the fact they were born. I believe it's more like "you're welcome" than "now you owe me" attitude...
I feel you’re pretty judgemental towards me…yet you really don’t know hardly anything about me, it’s quite a harsh reply you’ve thrown out there… I honestly don’t feel the need or want to answer back.
On the other hand, I am truly sorry for your experience with your childhood and your mother… I can’t relate to that as neither my mother or myself are like that.
@Greentrees2325
I am sorry if I made you feel like that. It was not at all directed at you as judgmental. I just wanted to tell how negatively associated in my social environment, or even triggering, the word "sacrifice" has been. It is good you and your family understand sacrifice in a healthy way 👍
Thanks @jacek73 for your reply. I’m sorry too I misunderstood… I can understand what you mean though.
@Greentrees2325
Also, thank you for pointing out how my message can be seen.
Funny, 'cause it's Christmas Eve morning here, and in my country there is a superstition saying that if you do something on this day, you keep doing that in the entire coming year. So, it looks like the entire 2025 I'll be admitting my shortcomings 😆
Merry Christmas to you and your family! 😊
lol 😂.
Thank you
Wishing you and your family health, happiness and prosperity this Christmas and in the coming year 😊🎄
@jacek73 im teetering how to acknowledge your response. I see how your phrasing could be construed as judgement by greentrees. Maybe how we view and apply the word ‘sacrifice’ is different, and it’s key. Moms do sacrifice…we do it out of love for the children we brought into this world, or chose to adopt and provide. There isn’t an expectation of repaying a debt, but to see that your efforts were seen, acknowledged and commended are very appreciated…and in the absence of fulfillment elsewhere it is not strange to seek or desire comfort from those you gave yourself to.
I’m grateful for your opinions to this thread. Kindness always.
@SparklySeas49
Thank you for letting me know. I was not aware of the fact how much the word "sacrifice" was overused by many people from my background (like "I make a sacrifice, because I don't feel like I deserve to be taken care of, or my feelings to be taken seriously") and that is why it was triggering to me in @Greentrees2325 message.
I have been a parent, too. I remember waking up in the middle of the night when one of my children had a terrible stomach flu. Or "eating cheaper" and not buying myself new things to save more money for my children's needs. Or sleeping on the floor of the children hospital. Or feeling completely exhausted, hungry, cold or overstimulated while my children still needed attractive events and attention. But I don't see it as a "sacrifice". I see it like a natural way of being a parent.
@jacek73 true it should not be a surprise to do those things for the sake of our children. I think a key note is to add that Parenting should be equal. But it is a well known standard that most of that falls on the moms. That is how it became ubiquitous as the sacrifice.
@SparklySeas49
I guess you mean the 1950s standards, where some men expected to be treated like kings, unable to make a cup of tea by themselves? I would be glad if we didn't generalize. I knew some marriages where it was completely the other way round.
There are some things fathers can't do (like feeding babies using their own bodies), and things they could do best (like "infecting" children with curiosity of the world and passions). But I think it is right when, for example, one parent takes children to the park while another cleans the house. As well as I think that is a very good antidote to spend some time with children after a "hard day in the office", while the parent who was "imprisoned" at home deserves some leisure time.
It could work really great if so many people didn't stop to be partners when they start to be parents 😕
@jacek73 I think as a society we’re progressing a bit beyond the status that was in the 50s but my generation not so much. Im not so sure there was ever an equal partnership, before kids. But it is true that shifts do occur after children are brought in, and yeah there needs to be specific warnings and attention to avoid that.
Also, does anyone else feel like life is a test and knows our weak spots and so deliberately thows a curve ball in our direction at that specific situation we would struggle with? … I really sometimes feel that way 😣😣
@Greentrees2325 I don’t know about a test, but yeah we each will falter in our weak areas. If we’re lucky we learn and improve. If we cannot get past it… well, someone else will have to provide the platitude.
@SparklySeas49
Your comment expresses deep feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, and a struggle to find meaning and motivation in life.
@Dreamweaver1966 Thank you for the reassurance. This is why I joined this site… to be uplifted and see i am not alone, at least in spiritual sense. I do volunteer at library and feel ‘normal’ when I’m there. I feel good around the right people. Kind people. I’m having to create a new circle of that safe place, but the new people aren’t as available…so far. It’s a tough road to pave, and a long haul. I know i could do it with a trusted support.
@SparklySeas49 I am agog at the thoughtful responses to my OP. I will take time to respond to each appropriately.