How to Get Your Spouse to Change

@LostTurtle2

Great link thanks for posting !

ABB 💜

Sorry, i didn't know links were not allowed. I guess it makes sense as it could be considered a competition to 7cups.

My greatest regret is lack of communication personally for me at home with hubby. As we age our needs have changed and evolved. I do have lived experience with marriage communication styles.

Change is an interesting concept maybe it isn’t change but rather your needs are different? Like love you have to extend it to receive it much like trust I do agree with that definitely.

i am so sorry you are arguing and it is tough to deal with long term.

Yes I feel I have done it however both of us work at it every single day … and it’s not perfect. It is an ongoing process even after 22 years of marriage.

What does love mean to you?

I personally believe that love is more than just a feeling it is what you do the actions that show you care.

It might not be exactly big moments in romantic movie 🎥 but it would be pouring up coffee in the morning, making the dessert your partner likes, reminder to drive carefully in the snow ❄️ etc and yes it is also the big things too❣️ It is feeling appreciated and cared for and the things you do to show you care that is love.

Ever consider in the communication process? How your communication is received? I mean is .., by what you say, how you say and even non verbal signals??

They all inform the receiver aka your spouse. It is known the message is in receiver how it is interpreted.

Sorry got rambling just some thoughts on love, and communication.

i am glad you are researching resources that is a great & I hope you find some inspiration along the way …

@SunShineAlwaysGrateful

Sunshine, you made great points on communication. Thanks.

As for "What does love mean to you?"

I agree, love is a very ambiguous and misused word in English language. To me, it's caring about the other person, and doing things for the benefit of that person, both big and small things. And without hope to get anything back (If unconditional). In that sense, good friends can love each other.

In my case doing the big things in marriage is no problem. It's the small things that trip me up. But I'm getting better at it.

Wished I had answers on how to change my wife or our marriage. Seems that since we've aged, things just keep getting worse. I question whether she loves me or not anymore. She makes no real effort to make things better. 🤷

@LostTurtle2 You cant change people, and maybe you shouldnt of married someone just to change them.

I think we all know that we can't change other people. We can try to change ourselves, our attitudes, our goals, etc., but we can't make someone else be something they aren't.

I have come to the conclusion that, for myself, I strive to simply understand other people. I want to know where they're coming from, what their thought process is, how they feel about something. I don't want it all sugar-coated, I want to have real conversations, challenging conversations, because that helps me better understand someone else. When I feel I understand them, I can also have a greater appreciation for them, even when (especially when) things are tough/challenging.

So I guess it all boils down to communication. And an acceptance that we are who we are, and they are who they are, and we make decisions every day about how best to interact and to live together.

If anyone is still interested to read the article i linked before the link was removed, just Google for "How to Get Your Spouse to Change."

There are several good articles on that, including the one i linked.

The bottom line is, it's hard to change people, unless they want to change themselves.

Someone above asked why i got married and wanted to change the spouse. In western cultures we marry because of feeling in love and the spouse seems perfect at that time. Only years later we see the annoying quirks that bug us and we want them to change. Then we learn it's not possible by only us wanting. A lot of people choose to divorce then and chase another love high. Some people stay for the sake for the family.

But like some other people said, the key is communication. It's not always easy when both parties are burdened by trauma and emotional difficulties and keep triggering each other.

It's a life long journey for sure. I'm optimistic myself. It's good to have support along the way.

@LostTurtle2

Is that the one at "love at first fight?"

@LostTurtle2

I'm kind of in that spot myself. That's the beginning I was crazy about her and everything but his time went by and to this point after 40 years things have changed a lot.

Her and I both are burdened by anxiety difficulties and even depression and it does keep triggering each other. As I've stated in my threads and posts here at 7 Cups I just can't get her to open up and be proactive in trying to remedy things and make things better. She's doesn't seem to have much initiative at all. It's very discouraging and hard to deal with from day to day.