Afraid all of the time
HI all.
Well, I've had a pretty crappy life. I was sick a lot as a kid, and my dad (a monster) yelled at me because my medicine cost so much. When I reached 13 years of age, he tried to molest me. My mother was cold and in over her head, so she wasn't much help. All of us kids were emotionally abused and neglected. When I was in high school, I had a terrible skin condition that killed any chance of a social life.
In adulthood, I tried hard to make my dreams come true. I got close to some wonderful opportunities, but they slipped through my fingers. I grew despondent and all my life I've never really had a career, just jobs.
A few years ago, my twin brother committed suicide. A few months later, my sister, who was my best friend, died of cancer (we thought she was getting better). A few years after that my division at work was shut down and we all got laid off. I managed to get a new job, then discovered that I had cancer.
The good news is that the surgeon got all the cancer (for now). The bad news is that I had to resign from my job because of the recovery time, plus fear of COVID (could not mingle with people because chemo destroys your immune system). I have been stuck in my apartment for 2 years now. I'm healthy again, for the most part, but I don't think I can go on.
Because here I am at 68, with much of my savings gone and no job. I will never be able to retire. I often think about just ending it all, like my brother did. I'm so sick of being a failure and being afraid all of the time. I fear not being able to find a job, running out of money, being evicted. I chased a dream and now it's over.