Afraid all of the time
HI all.
Well, I've had a pretty crappy life. I was sick a lot as a kid, and my dad (a monster) yelled at me because my medicine cost so much. When I reached 13 years of age, he tried to molest me. My mother was cold and in over her head, so she wasn't much help. All of us kids were emotionally abused and neglected. When I was in high school, I had a terrible skin condition that killed any chance of a social life.
In adulthood, I tried hard to make my dreams come true. I got close to some wonderful opportunities, but they slipped through my fingers. I grew despondent and all my life I've never really had a career, just jobs.
A few years ago, my twin brother committed suicide. A few months later, my sister, who was my best friend, died of cancer (we thought she was getting better). A few years after that my division at work was shut down and we all got laid off. I managed to get a new job, then discovered that I had cancer.
The good news is that the surgeon got all the cancer (for now). The bad news is that I had to resign from my job because of the recovery time, plus fear of COVID (could not mingle with people because chemo destroys your immune system). I have been stuck in my apartment for 2 years now. I'm healthy again, for the most part, but I don't think I can go on.
Because here I am at 68, with much of my savings gone and no job. I will never be able to retire. I often think about just ending it all, like my brother did. I'm so sick of being a failure and being afraid all of the time. I fear not being able to find a job, running out of money, being evicted. I chased a dream and now it's over.
@goodSpruce3041 Don’t give up man. I unfortunately can’t relate but only can give my deepest sympathy. I am so so sorry. It feels like a black hole, a void where nothing good can grow but just know there is life and hope, you are not alone, there are people to help, even if it feels like it’s just people from her. There is hope and there is life. Don’t give up. You are loved. You are important. You matter.
@goodSpruce3041
Hey, there. I'm sorry you went through a lot, but like....could you try and consider adding trigger warnings with topics like this?
@goodSpruce3041
Hi Spruce,
I do so resonate with you for the most part and understand the sorrow, grief and sadness you must have been feeling all this while. You've tried so hard and things just turned out that way.... Despite the bad you experienced, you do see something good in your life. The fact that you're still here, shows your resilience. It also shows that you have overcome each obstacle in your path.
Sometimes, thinking into the future creates the fear that you are experiencing. Perhaps taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time will ease the anxiety that you are feeling ? The only constant in this world is change. Change isn't necessarily a bad thing, though we may perceive it to be most of the time. Being able to see the good in the bad is a challenge because it requires a flexible perspective and I think we aren't wired that way. Perhaps you can sit down and challenge yourself to look for the good in what you think is the bad.
Also, there has been research done that showed the neuroplasticity of the brain ; it is able to rewire itself, especially when we are in meditation. So, we are not actually hardwired at all ! Check out Matthieu Ricard, who participated in a 12-year brain study on meditation and compassion led by a neuroscientist from the University of Wisconsin, Richard Davidson.
I hope that helps. I've been meaning to give meditation a go for a while now....... what's stopping me ? Just the distractions of the world and myself. I sincerely hope and wish that you give it a shot yourself.
Take care, Spruce. My prayers are with you.
https://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ricard_how_to_let_altruism_be_your_guide
here's his ted talk, if you're interested.