Afraid all of the time

@goodSpruce3041. I’m very sorry to hear about the losses of your twin brother and sister. It sounds like you have been through a lot lately (as well as in childhood). The past few years have been difficult with so much isolation due to the pandemic. Having cancer on top of it and having to give up your job must have been very difficult. I’m glad to hear that the surgeon got all of the cancer. I know someone who was fired at 65. It took some time but eventually she found a job. I hope that you will be able to find one too. After reading your post I don’t think that you are a loser at all. I think that it was brave to tell us your story here. I hope that we can help to support you here.

You've been through a lot and I understand your feelings. I got very depressed over the past 2 years, very debilitated by Anxiety__ a lot of health issues etc. Really went through an existential crisis, like wtf -- so few of my dreams came true. Despite my best efforts. But I woukd not end it largely because of my daughter. Who is very very young. I felt very much like a failure and also couldn't believe that after all of the trauma I've been through, all of the therapy and PTSD work that I was house bound, terrified to drive, to cook, to be around anyone, to get Covid... I became agoraphobic, a shadow of my former self. I prayed, did tons of treatments, and nothing worked until, I began to listen to Abraham/Esther Hicks, paid a lot of money for an anxiety mentorship and hired quantum healers. I am so much better. I have no idea how things shifted for me, but they did. I'm still seeking my dreams but mainly doing everything I can not to fall into the cycle of what has gone wrong in my life. I wish you the best and also please know, you are not alone. I wish you all the best

@goodSpruce3041 im sorry u r going through this at this time but at 68 you should be able to get social security and medicare and with having had cancer you shouldve been able to get on disability which would include health insurance medicare and medicaid. that would help moneywise until u can get on your feet. plus theres apartments usually in most states for the disabled to that go off your income for rent. plus theres help with low income for light bills to. i hope things get better for u.

@goodSpruce3041

Hello my friend I am very sorry to hear about the news that you shared today, one day at a time! If you ever need a chat just click my profile!

@goodSpruce3041

@goodSpruce3041

Hello, dear Sprouce.

I am very sorry for the sufferings you have endured, truly. I hear you have dealt with quite a lot of troubles, and losses. Events that have been out of your control, and in different periods of your life. Naturally it puts tremendous strain on a person, to go through such levels of struggling. I do not want to give unsolicided advice, I just want to say, my compassion goes out to you. I very much aknowledge how these circumstances feels draining to you, and that is no fault of yours.

Please feel free to continue sharing (if you feel like it). Or connecting with listeners on this site. We have a lot of love and compassion for you. From one stranger to another, I am sending you my love.

@goodSpruce3041

*Dear, Spruce. I spelled your name wrong.

Thank you for your kind words, everyone. They mean so much to me.

@goodSpruce3041

It’s nice to hear from you ❤️.

@goodSpruce3041

Just wanted to check in on this post, as you are in my thoughts. Still wishing you well.

@goodSpruce3041

Hi Spruce !

I am 69 years old and I survived Covid-19 infections since March 2020 ...

I have isolated myself since March 2020 ...

Spruce : I am inviting to join me in the Sharing Circle chat room ! 😊

@goodspruce3041

I'm so sorry for your situation hun. I had no idea all that was going on. Please do come to the sc and share anytime you need to. We're more than happy to listen and support you. You are a survivor hun. Life's playing a game with you I call pile on. I don't like this game because I never win. 😒 if you are in the US you can go on social security. I'm on it and it really helps. If you have any questions about it I'd be more than happy to answer them for you. Please be kind to yourself and know that your never alone here. Hugest hugs ever. 🤗 ❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤗

Thanks again, everyone. I do visit the Supporting Circle chat sometimes, and it does help.

@goodSpruce3041 Don’t give up man. I unfortunately can’t relate but only can give my deepest sympathy. I am so so sorry. It feels like a black hole, a void where nothing good can grow but just know there is life and hope, you are not alone, there are people to help, even if it feels like it’s just people from her. There is hope and there is life. Don’t give up. You are loved. You are important. You matter.

@goodSpruce3041

Hey, there. I'm sorry you went through a lot, but like....could you try and consider adding trigger warnings with topics like this?

@goodSpruce3041

Hi Spruce,

I do so resonate with you for the most part and understand the sorrow, grief and sadness you must have been feeling all this while. You've tried so hard and things just turned out that way.... Despite the bad you experienced, you do see something good in your life. The fact that you're still here, shows your resilience. It also shows that you have overcome each obstacle in your path.

Sometimes, thinking into the future creates the fear that you are experiencing. Perhaps taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time will ease the anxiety that you are feeling ? The only constant in this world is change. Change isn't necessarily a bad thing, though we may perceive it to be most of the time. Being able to see the good in the bad is a challenge because it requires a flexible perspective and I think we aren't wired that way. Perhaps you can sit down and challenge yourself to look for the good in what you think is the bad.

Also, there has been research done that showed the neuroplasticity of the brain ; it is able to rewire itself, especially when we are in meditation. So, we are not actually hardwired at all ! Check out Matthieu Ricard, who participated in a 12-year brain study on meditation and compassion led by a neuroscientist from the University of Wisconsin, Richard Davidson.

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-be-happier-according-to-matthieu-ricard-the-worlds-happiest-man-2016-1

I hope that helps. I've been meaning to give meditation a go for a while now....... what's stopping me ? Just the distractions of the world and myself. I sincerely hope and wish that you give it a shot yourself.

Take care, Spruce. My prayers are with you.

https://www.ted.com/talks/matthieu_ricard_how_to_let_altruism_be_your_guide

here's his ted talk, if you're interested.

@goodSpruce3041

Roger that Sir.

In the same boat

No cookie for us but, you got a friend

@RudderFelloff

Thanks, Rudder, and everyone else. I appreciate your kindness so much. 😊