Afraid all of the time
HI all.
Well, I've had a pretty crappy life. I was sick a lot as a kid, and my dad (a monster) yelled at me because my medicine cost so much. When I reached 13 years of age, he tried to molest me. My mother was cold and in over her head, so she wasn't much help. All of us kids were emotionally abused and neglected. When I was in high school, I had a terrible skin condition that killed any chance of a social life.
In adulthood, I tried hard to make my dreams come true. I got close to some wonderful opportunities, but they slipped through my fingers. I grew despondent and all my life I've never really had a career, just jobs.
A few years ago, my twin brother committed suicide. A few months later, my sister, who was my best friend, died of cancer (we thought she was getting better). A few years after that my division at work was shut down and we all got laid off. I managed to get a new job, then discovered that I had cancer.
The good news is that the surgeon got all the cancer (for now). The bad news is that I had to resign from my job because of the recovery time, plus fear of COVID (could not mingle with people because chemo destroys your immune system). I have been stuck in my apartment for 2 years now. I'm healthy again, for the most part, but I don't think I can go on.
Because here I am at 68, with much of my savings gone and no job. I will never be able to retire. I often think about just ending it all, like my brother did. I'm so sick of being a failure and being afraid all of the time. I fear not being able to find a job, running out of money, being evicted. I chased a dream and now it's over.
@goodSpruce3041. I’m very sorry to hear about the losses of your twin brother and sister. It sounds like you have been through a lot lately (as well as in childhood). The past few years have been difficult with so much isolation due to the pandemic. Having cancer on top of it and having to give up your job must have been very difficult. I’m glad to hear that the surgeon got all of the cancer. I know someone who was fired at 65. It took some time but eventually she found a job. I hope that you will be able to find one too. After reading your post I don’t think that you are a loser at all. I think that it was brave to tell us your story here. I hope that we can help to support you here.
You've been through a lot and I understand your feelings. I got very depressed over the past 2 years, very debilitated by Anxiety__ a lot of health issues etc. Really went through an existential crisis, like wtf -- so few of my dreams came true. Despite my best efforts. But I woukd not end it largely because of my daughter. Who is very very young. I felt very much like a failure and also couldn't believe that after all of the trauma I've been through, all of the therapy and PTSD work that I was house bound, terrified to drive, to cook, to be around anyone, to get Covid... I became agoraphobic, a shadow of my former self. I prayed, did tons of treatments, and nothing worked until, I began to listen to Abraham/Esther Hicks, paid a lot of money for an anxiety mentorship and hired quantum healers. I am so much better. I have no idea how things shifted for me, but they did. I'm still seeking my dreams but mainly doing everything I can not to fall into the cycle of what has gone wrong in my life. I wish you the best and also please know, you are not alone. I wish you all the best
@goodSpruce3041 im sorry u r going through this at this time but at 68 you should be able to get social security and medicare and with having had cancer you shouldve been able to get on disability which would include health insurance medicare and medicaid. that would help moneywise until u can get on your feet. plus theres apartments usually in most states for the disabled to that go off your income for rent. plus theres help with low income for light bills to. i hope things get better for u.
@goodSpruce3041
Hello my friend I am very sorry to hear about the news that you shared today, one day at a time! If you ever need a chat just click my profile!
@goodSpruce3041
@goodSpruce3041
Hello, dear Sprouce.
I am very sorry for
the sufferings you have endured, truly. I hear you have dealt
with quite a lot of troubles, and losses. Events that have been out of your control, and in different periods of your life. Naturally it puts tremendous strain on a person, to go through such levels of struggling. I do not want to give unsolicided advice, I just want to say, my compassion goes out to you. I very much aknowledge how these circumstances feels draining to you, and that is no fault of yours.
Please feel free to continue sharing (if you feel like it). Or connecting with listeners on this site. We have a lot of love and compassion for you. From one stranger to another, I am sending you my love.
@goodSpruce3041
*Dear, Spruce. I spelled your name wrong.
Thank you for your kind words, everyone. They mean so much to me.
@goodSpruce3041
It’s nice to hear from you ❤️.
@goodSpruce3041
Just wanted to check in on this post, as you are in my thoughts. Still wishing you well.
@goodSpruce3041
Hi Spruce !
I am 69 years old and I survived Covid-19 infections since March 2020 ...
I have isolated myself since March 2020 ...
Spruce : I am inviting to join me in the Sharing Circle chat room ! 😊
@goodspruce3041
I'm so sorry for your situation hun. I had no idea all that was going on. Please do come to the sc and share anytime you need to. We're more than happy to listen and support you. You are a survivor hun. Life's playing a game with you I call pile on. I don't like this game because I never win. 😒 if you are in the US you can go on social security. I'm on it and it really helps. If you have any questions about it I'd be more than happy to answer them for you. Please be kind to yourself and know that your never alone here. Hugest hugs ever. 🤗 ❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤗
