Why do I have to always be the one to breath life into this marriage?
Well, yesterday was one of my toughest days. I felt a lot of
depression and anxiety over my life with her and it was just getting to
me. I couldn't even focus on my hobbies or anything else. I was in an
irritable mood all day. I really wanted to just run away. I'm taking the day off with the house to myself
again today, hoping I can feel better. Right now, I just don't even want to go to work.
By the end of the day yesterday, I just wanted to go out in the middle of a field and scream my head off, or go out in the garage and take a sledge hammer to something. This challenge I'm faced with in my marriage is the kind of stuff that causes affairs. Wives who are so unwilling to take care of their husbands both emotionally and physically, it will cause some to stray and seek out an extramarital affair. Some may disagree with that, but it's true. Right now, I'm dealing with that temptation at times. I don't want to do that. But I'm just frustrated with her and tired of it all. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Someone told me in another thread suggesting that I should stop complaining so much about this. Well... I come here as an outlet to unload my brain on this in hopes that it will make me feel better. And at times it does... to connect with others who sympathizes the dilemma I'm in. So please spare me any criticism in this because that's not what I need right now. If that's all you have to offer, then please just don't contribute to this thread with your comments. No one knows or understands the full scope of what I've been dealing with here in this 40+ year marriage. I just can't believe it's come down to this... a lifeless careless marriage where the wife just won't contribute and help breath life into it.
Anyway... I may regret posting this later, but it is what it is....
I’m really sorry that you are going through this. Maybe you should try and talk maybe it will help both of you.
P.S if you feel like going out and scream it off, you should do it sometimes cuz it my help sometimes
@Spearman60
Hello again,
i totally get it and think you have handled some comments well......
it was infuriating even to me ........when people did not read your post completely and made suggestions/ advice you had already addressed several times.
i throw myself into exercise but i totally scream in my car also sometimes in wide open spaces drive fast to just work it out..... as for smashing things in my area they have places where you go in a room and smash things not sure how expensive they are but sound interesting...
at a point i think partners feel they no longer NEED to try like you will not go ior leave them
@toughTiger6481
That's the thing.... I'm actually an easy person to get along with. And
like most men, who aren't jerks anyway, my needs are simple. As you
already know, since you've been with me on this for a while, I don't
really make life tough for her at all. I've been a good provider over
the years, something her dad even notices and appreciates. I just wished she would realize how well she has it. I never, if ever complain about anything she does. I even asked her, "have I ever complained about your cooking?" She said no. In fact, I'm not a cook myself, but if she comes home tired and worn out from work, and she asks what I want for supper, I tell her not to worry about it. I know she's tired and she needs a break. I just find something on my own.
Gosh, I'm not demanding or rude to her at all really. Yeah, I get frustrated with her and show it, but she takes offense to it like I'm the one with the problem.
I feel like you're one of the few here that get it... and I appreciate that. You understand how frustrating it is to get advice when they haven't a clue the full scope of what I'm dealing with, and what you're dealing with. Of course, coming here, I'm not seeking so much for answers, but just to vent and get it off my chest.
By the way... do be careful driving fast in open places... okay? 😊
I've seen on TV places set up for a person to come and smash things. Maybe I need that. Pent up anger gets to me sometimes. Yesterday was a bad day for me. Today, I'm at home with just me and the dog again just trying to relax. Today is better.
Maybe one of these days, I'm going to really open up and cut in on her and let her have it. Maybe that's what needs to happen. But.... I don't think it's going to solve it all. She'll always be this way. It's her inbred nature. Has been for 40+ years that I've know her.
@Spearman60
I really wish ALL those in similar shoes to ours could have even for one day their spouse / partner wake up..........
it is like being somewhere and everyone else speaks a different language....... I try to learn their language but they never make the effort to learn mine......... i find hard work like yard work gets out my frustration helped son clear bushes etc
@Spearman60.
@Mkozica
After 40+ years of marriage, we've had a lot of discussions about that. It's gets to the point where its been discussed so many times, there is no point in talking about it again. She's not that interested in meeting my needs. Usually, it's more about her. And quite frankly, I've grown tired of trying anymore. She just doesn't see the yellow and red flags anymore... or at least denies within herself that they're there.
@Spearman60
I too think it's ok to go out and scream. I usually tend to cry - but it works somewhat. The gym helps too and I've met some lovely people there. It's good to just chat with others there.
I'm hearing your incredible frustration, I get it.
I think that being with someone for a really long time they just take for granted you will always be there. They just don't even think about you possibly not being available anymore. Relationships take alot of effort and I feel like communication and active listening is vital to success. Problem is you can't force the unwilling.
A side note;
I have a close friend who told her significant other that therapy was necessary or she was packing up and leaving. That was quite a few years ago and they are still together and still going to therapy.
I think this is a great forum for venting! It's safe and often supportive.
It's obvious so many have similar relationship difficulties.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Yes, you're right... you can't force the unwilling, and I'm not one to force people. It's as though she would rather be content with the way things are rather than making them better and what they should be. Who knows... maybe she's reached a point in her life she just doesn't need me that much.
But with her, she's never really been one to be too concerned with others and their needs. Especially in the last decade or two. However, mine hasn't changed. Guess for the rest of my life, it's a life of celibacy for me.
@Spearman60
There's a chance you may find another path to take. Maybe your right she's content with what's currently the situation. I think my spouse is content with the situation- however I am not.
What to do?? I don't know and not getting any younger . Life is just so tricky to navigate. Sometimes I just say "God, I leave this mess in your hands , I know you have a plan ."
I guess I just don't know what else to do.
ABB
I've been married for 12 years my husband and I have a significant age difference he is a lot older than I am. Before I met him I was in a 11-year relationship with my high school sweetheart so I basically been married over 20 years lol. One of the things I have learned is relationships have slumps and you will have that with any partner you're with if you don't do the work on yourself. It's not about your partner per se and I'm not saying that she shouldn't do some work because obviously she needs to do some work on herself and your marriage but anybody that you're with these kind of slumps slow down and physical and emotional connection will happen and you have to be willing to be honest with yourself and your partner about what your needs really are in a way that is fair and truthful.
When I left my high school sweetheart and a month later got into the long-term relationship where I ended up marrying the man that I'm with now I thought that the marriage was going to be totally different from my relationship with my high school sweetheart because of course the man was so much different a lot more romantic and thoughtful and there are some differences we're more physical with each other I still feel really in love with him but I'm not going to sit here and tell you there are times where I feel neglected or I feel like I'm carrying the burden of the work and those are the times I go to him and have an honest discussion with how we have slipped and how we can fix it.
I hope this helps a little bit.
@HeatherTether
Thanks for your post. What discourages me is that she makes little to no effort, even during a long, and I mean, long time of no intimacy and very little meaningful interaction. Then after those times, she may light up on a particular day and start talking with me like nothing is going on. It kinda frustrates me. It's like, "are you going to just ignore the apparent issues we are having here?" It just doesn't make any sense. *SMH*
@Spearman60
Hello, Mr. Spearman!
I am not an expert by any means in marriages and having spouse issues--I'm only fifteen! However, I do understand what it's like to feel like you're the only one doing anything in a relationship. I think the best thing to do is give her space if you haven't already. It sounds like she's been hitting the menopausal stage where temprementality is common. As a girl/upcoming woman, sometimes I forget how much my boyfriend cares about me. Maybe this is the case and she just simply needs to be reminded on why she chose YOU, the lucky fellow to spend the rest of her life with. 40 years is so good! Longer than many, many marriages. I think there's hope, considering all the things you two have conquered together, as a married couple.
I hope this helps/comforts you!!
-Marsie
@Marsieboo
It does some... but I've given her a lot of space and nothing really changes. And as far as who chose who... well, I was the pursuer. She was flattered and easily gave in, but it was mostly me...😊
I know you didn't ask for this advise, but if you don't mind, I would like to share something with you. In your coming years, as you pursue who you will eventually marry, here's some things to keep in mind....
One of the things you need to observe is not just your future fiance, but really get to know his family too. And what I mean is, family traits, mannerisms, feelings, values and attitudes. Observe the way he treats his mother. What is his dad like? What's the general attitude and demeanor of the family including all his siblings. It helps you to know what kind of person he's going to be later in life. It's not an exact science, but it will give you a lot of indicators as to possibly what your marriage may turn out to be. Observe the way his dad treats his mother too.
By my life long experience, I strongly feel these things should be taken into consideration. Your fiance is going to be in his best behavior as he dates you and considers marriage. But if you carefully observe his family as a whole, its a strong indication of the type of person he could become.
Like I said, it's not an exact science... but it will greatly help you in making the right choices. See, a young man grows up in that family environment for 18 years, so much of what he is or may become is a product of his upbringing. My wife's behavior now is the same behavior I see in her parents and siblings. It's something I didn't see or consider when I dated her before marriage. Guess her and I both were at out best behavior... 😊
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you. Hope the best for you in the years to come... 😊
@Spearman60
ted. look at you helping others .... good for you especially the young who think 40 yrs YEAH but when they see it is life life without parole in a prison they may not be that excited
@toughTiger6481
Well, I think about how I wished someone had given me that advice back then. However, sometimes the younger generation doesn't want to hear any. Like my stubborn daughter told me one time, "Dad, I want to go out and make my own mistakes." I look at her right after that and told her, "You know, that's one of the dumbest things you can say to me." Well, over the years, she's proved how dumb that was. Course now, she's doing much better as an adult with her own kids. Again proving that we of the older generation have something to offer to the younger ones... 😊
@toughTiger6481
How you doing? Just checking in with you...😊
@Spearman60
I am struggling through much like you some days better then others..... had a long almost civil discussion where i think with help of another friend is see spouse issues are deep rooted ..... not sure of the label as at our age we did not have things labeled or diagnosed ... most was written off as childhood... a close friend completed a questionnaire for a doctor about their souse i guess they JUST found out spouse had a childhood diagnosis of ADHD but never stuck with any treatments ...
they shared the survey and many many questions applied to my spouse ........ not sure if that is better then what i was thinking ... we suspected for years he had something off but this fits well i suggested he gets treatment but know he ill not had long mostly civil discussion but as he only interanlizes his own stuff he most likely will not remember any progress ... i just feel more trapped as he would not be ab;e to take care of things himself he has no bandwidth for everyday items....
@Spearman60
Hello again! I'm so sorry I haven't replied earlier...high school, right?
Thank you so much for that. It brought lots of comfort to me, knowing more about what he'll be like later on. He and his family have good relationships, he always smiles when he talks about his mother, and he always laughs when he tells stories about him and his brother. Thank you for the pointers....I really appreciate this, so that I have something to look at! Now that I have this to take into consideration, I can also look at my behaviors(considering the not-so-great home/family life I have) so that I can be a better human for him.
In fact, last night, we were talking on the phone for hours, talking about our future. He said to me, "I hope you're the one that I spend the rest of my life with." Considering how past relationships went with me, we both understand how important it is to take things slow so that we don't outgrow the love we have together.
Thank you so much for this not asked for, but very much needed advice. I truly appreciate your compassion to tell me these things!! I really hope that things work out for you guys in the end. I mean, you've been doing something right if it means she's stayed with you for a long time, right?
I think your heart is in the best place for her, and I really hope she comes around. After all, you did help me a lot in my life!
-Marsie
@theHeadspaceSystem
You must have changed your handle/name... did you? 😊
Reading your response, you seem to be a very smart young lady. I greatly admire what you said in your response. Sounds like to me you're going to be a wonderful wife to him if it all works that direction.
Like you already stated, you don't want rush into anything in marriage. Talking things out like you're doing is wonderful. Talk about your future goals, plans and expectations too. You'll still have your challenges, but know how to work through them together. And don't be like my wife, passive aggressive and introverted where you don't open up to deal with the challenges, because it makes life miserable to the other spouse. Relationships don't have to be that hard in my opinion when both people are willing to gently work through anything.
I feel really good to have helped you some. Thanks for telling me. You're obviously a wonderful young lady... don't let life's challenges change that... 😊
@Spearman60- it was so considerate to share wisdom with a younger person. Sooo true - get to know your partner's family. Superficially they may look healthy but pay attention to important factors - such as do they "care" and show emotions towards each other. Wise words to the young.
@Spearman60
that is such sensible, practical advice. And, so true. But yes, it may not always be acceptable to the youngsters it is targeted at. For we all have to make our own mistakes and learn from them.
@Spearman60
Hey spearman I seen your post and just wanted to reach out. I'm in a very similar boat I wish I had the right words for you. Sometimes I feel it's comforting in itself to know that someone understands what I'm feeling. & I understand. Peace, love, and godspeed ✌️
@Mimmybatwings
Thank you very much. Yes, it is comforting to know others understand. As you said, you're in a very similar boat.... I feel for ya! Wished we all had answers.... or at least our spouses would see and listen to the answers... 😊
Mimmy you said it well. I have been reading this post and feel all the same daily struggles. I have also been married 40 plus years. I just don't know what to do or say. It's is just comforting knowing I'm not the only one. Misery loves company.
I wish I had some advice for you, Spearman. I've never been married myself & so don't have much of a base to give advice from. (There was one time in my life when I seriously wanted to tie the knot, settle down & be a good husband, but it didn't work out)
The fact that you've thought about an affair is an indication that the marriage itself is not entirely viable. Obviously, if you have always been the one to make the effort to keep the relationship going & the wife hasn't been, then she just doesn't care enough to do so... While I would never advise you or anyone else to "go steppin' out", I would say that something needs to be done so that she wakes up & sees how her lack of interest & effort is what makes the marriage a dry husk instead of a fulfilling mutual union. What that something should be, I don't know.
If the laws weren't the way they are, I'd say get a divorce. But we all know that in divorce courts the woman is always favored & the man cast as the villain, whether that's the case or not. I presume you do not want to lose half or more of all the property & assets, assuming you two have any.
@slowdecline48
Those are pretty much the reasons, along with moral considerations. There are days when it's not so bad, but she's consistent as far as not contributing to the betterment of our marriage. She seems to be content just coasting along the way we are. I've exhausted all I know to do. You can't change people who don't want to change and aren't conditioned to be open to change. It is what it is until she sees the light and wants to do something about it.
Thanks for your comments... 😊
@Spearman60 I highly commend you your magnificent patience in this marriage , forget all about the critics they'll never understand or know what it means to be loyal and hold it all in so deeply and hurting day in and out. Bent away as your heart desires.
Hang in there, you can do it and i believe it will be rewarded.💐
@Jwanzy2020
Thanks....😊 Yeah, there's been some in a couple other threads I started that tell me "leave her!" or "divorce her!" You know, in this day and age, there is very little commitment to anything. First sign of trouble, people bail out. Sure I've been tempted to, but it's not that easy. I'm hoping for some kind of reward in this some day... just wished it was here now... 😊
@Spearman60
I understand and relate completely to what you're saying. Life is going by and we can't help but question when will it be better if not now? We need to live those moments of our lives to the fullest in the present moment and not living on the hopes of change from the other as it is such a numbing behavior. You can't kill the hope and you can't feed it still ; both are painful to the soul to be honest. So we sadly FREEZE !!!!!
I don't have an answer to your question 😔, as much as I don't have to mine.
So I just say to myself and to you : JUST hang in there, enough of this questioning and LIVE your life for yourself to the fullest or kids if any, ENJOY what life has to offer in its other details however minute they are. Build your castle and take care of it, and if one day she ever wishes to enter it : then she will be the queen!!!
You re still the king either way !!!
@Jwanzy2020
Yeah, I've been hoping for better for many years now. I mean, it's not 100% bad, but it would be nice if the percentage of bad was a lot less than it is.
You know, it's comforting that you mentioned "we need to live those moments of our lives to the fullest in the present moment and not living on the hopes of change from the other." If I understand you correctly, I've been living in a numbing feeling for years. Sometimes I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel the stress of this marital relationship has taken something from me... my personal identity, if that makes sense. I feel I've lost something that makes me who I am.And I will hang in there. I am trying to live my life again with things that I enjoy, such as my hobbies. I live in a 10 year old house I built with my own hands, and I am blessed with plenty of work to keep the bills paid. I do wish our marriage was way more fulfilling than it is, but there's not much I can do about it until she changes. I wait for the day when she's finally open to listen and willing to make changes herself. But I'm not going to hold my breath over it... 😊
@Spearman60
The good thing is that it is not 100% bad. 🙂
BUT yeah, I understand how it's like an ever bleeding wound that won't heal ... it keeps bleeding constantly ... I mean yeah it's not that 100% fatal ... we're surviving but the wound hurts still, and you have to keep mending to it ..apply creams and ointments to numb the pain and stop the slow bleeding. It takes up of our energy and time and yes, you understood me well, in this process we loose some of our identity
That's why it's important to focus on building that castle.🙂
I'm glad you built that house 😊 and trying to live life's pleasures enjoying it's amazing details.
Wishing you happiness in abundance.
I am in a similar scenario. My husband only gives me attention, when he wants intimacy. I need physical touches during day. I'm not asking for much. A hug here, sneak a kiss. A quick groping. Say I love you. Our sex life is great, because I give in. But at the cost of my needs going unmet. I wfh, and he's a retired vet. So it's not like he doesn't have the opportunity. If we do anything I'm the one who has to plan it.
If I bring up how I feel, he gets defensive. But... he is quick to report to me what his needs are.
Today I just didn't care. I'm having the same issue- is this even worth it? If I'm going to feel lonely I might as well be by myself. Right?
Good luck to you 👍