Making friends
At this stage I am trying to make a couple of friends and what a struggle. I come from a really traumatic background and I was full of fear and avoided connecting with people My whole life. My experience with people has been really painful. .
I had a long time job and had a ton of co workers but all that went away when I left.
I recently tried to connect with a former coworker only to discover she's got early onset dementia. 😔
I do have activities and get out every day but I'm paying dearly for my fearful avoidant behavior.
I guess I'm feeling alone lately.
Thx for reading
ABB 💜
Hi ABB,
It's always hard to make friends, especially if one is an introvert, feeling insecure, has past traumas, etc.
I am an introvert homebody, so I'm kind of in the same boat. I am not even sure where I would go to try to make new freinds. Maybe out to a class of some sort (pottery, anyone?) and hope that I connected with someone in the class, hopefully also while doing something I enjoyed.
And yes, trying to reconnect with people from your past can be challenging, or rewarding, depending on the situation. Sorry to hear about your friend.
You're definitely not alone though. Even though it feels lonely. It's good you have some activities to get you out.
@GoingInCircles365
Thank you so much for responding, it helps me so much. In therapy I realize my fearful avoidant attachment style is a big hurdle in the reason I have so much trouble with connecting with others.
I see people at the gym that I talk to there a little bit but not anyone I can hang out with. Sometimes I just don't want to try . I really struggle to trust I've been really burned badly in so many situations. I feel stupid in letting myself be vulnerable to predator type people. My need to connect makes me vulnerable.
Thank you for reading my post and responding.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
Hi ABB,
I hear you about the difference between casual interactions (eg. at the gym) and actual friendships. I have several people that I see regularly, say hi to, maybe send an occasional email to, but I have very few true friendships.
I often wonder WHY?
People are so busy. I am busy. People are emotinoally unavailable. I am emotionally unavailable to most people, I am very guarded, very private, very introvert. For me, it feels like it takes a big effort to stay in touch with my friends, and sometimes it feels like if I don't keep reaching out to connect with them, they don't make the effort to continue connecting wtih me. That can feel really frustrating. So the friendships fade away, or never even have a chance to form.
Forums like this are cool, kind of, but this conversation, for example is public. Everyone can see this conversation. That doesn't feel "safe" to me, even though it's anonymous. But since it's anonymous, we can share some private stuff about our lives, and hopefully not feel like the whole neighborhood knows. It's a weird mix of safety and vulnerability. But of course chatting online isn't nearly the same as having a friend to hang out with.
Haha, I'm living up to my screen name by just going in circles. Basically, I hear you, and I totally agree. It's really hard to make good, solid, REAL, freindships that help a person feel connected in the world.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been burned in other situations. That certainly makes it hard to feel safe reaching out to others and making yourself vulnerable. I hope you are able to find someone locally who has friend potential and that you are able to nurture that in a way that feels good to you.
@GoingInCircles365
Thank you for responding it's nice to be able to bounce my issues here . It does help . I admit I have one friend I see occasionally but she's kind of flighty and unreliable and she still works part time.
I have a serious case of CPTSD and I can't work right now. I'm not a volitile I am more easily overwhelmed. I have a lot of anxiety. I was targeted and harassed at my previous job and I'm damaged from it.
I agree it's difficult to post here publicly even though anonymously.
I do have a couple of great listeners that I enjoy very much chatting with here.
Have you connected with a listener here?
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
Hi ABB,
Yes, I have a listener that I've become "friends" with, and that's pretty cool. Actually, the really neat thing about it is that this person is in a totally different place in life than me, and yet there's still a connection. Like, if I'm looking around locally for a friend, I'm going to focus on people who seem similar to me. I also have a few older female friends, for some reason I have always had older female friends. Anyway, there are certain types of people I "click" with better than others. But the listener doesn't fit into my pre-conceived image and yet it has been a most enjoyable conversation. Very cool.
Sorry to hear that you've had such bad experiences in your personal life and work life. Yes, that would make it very challenging to trust others. And if you have a challenging past (which I think you mentioned previously, either in this thread or in another, i don't remember) that of course shapes the person that you are today. And then throw in a mix of anxiety and high-stress response, and .... welll... that makes life really challenging!
This all brings up a question, is there any way to connect with people here who aren't certified "listeners?" Like if you and I wanted to chat privately, there isn't a way to do that, is there? Unless one of us becomes a listener? I had wondered about that before, but never just put it out there... 😎
And yes, this publicly anonymous thing is pretty weird. I'm normally a super private person and have a completely anonymous web presence (which is virtually non-existent!) So sharing personal challenges in a public forum is ... weird. Have a good weekend!
@GoingInCircles365
I would be happy if you were a listener, If you should decide to do that reach out to me with your handle and we can become friends there also. I feel like 7cups is just my best safest way to have friends. I do spend alot of time here connecting with alot of different people.
Thank you for reaching out to me Its wonderful. I feel like I fit in here . All my life I never felt I fit in.
Best always
ABB💟
@amiableBlackberry92
Hi ABB,
I actually did just set up a listener account for myself, which is cool, because I was thinking about doing that already. But I couldn't seem to do it with this "GoinginCircles365" account, it kept making me set up a separate account, so I finally did. But now I have no idea how you would actually find me - maybe you can search for a specific listener? Anyway, if that's possible, I am "DancingSongbird579" - maybe we can connect there as well.
@GoingInCircles365
Maybe this is easier, I feel incredibly clumsy trying to navigate this system and figure out how everything works. And now I feel like I have multiple personalities - I am both goingincircles and DancingSongbird (although I'd almost always rather be a dancing songbird than going in circles!)
I came to 7 Cups here back in November to have a place to unload my brain and get advice and support. I've gotten that, but the secondary reason I'm here is to make some friends maybe. However, I realized that 7 Cups is somewhat limited in that aspect. I often feel lonely even though I'm married. My wife isn't much for companionship anymore and it makes me feel isolated and lonely here at home. She's just not one to socialize much. I think she was meant to be a loner... weird huh?
I wouldn't mind a friend or two here just to have someone to connect with now and then. Listeners don't seem to connect with you for very long. Maybe this sight isn't really meant for friendships. I even set up a listener account to maybe help others and make some connections... but I hadn't done much with it. Gave advice to one young lady and that's about it.
We all need friendships... 😊
@Spearman60
Initially I came to seven cups in 2020 because I was in a ridiculous amount of trauma. I was in so much pain and I was so alone and I was so desperate to connect with somebody other than my therapist somehow I managed to navigate here. I find this is the only place other than my therapist that I can really unload my brain, because of my fearful avoidant attachment style..
I have so many issues that I'd never realized I had due to my horrendous childhood. I'm aware now that for five decades I suppressed pain I couldn't face, I wasn't strong enough. In the meantime I was faking my way through life I married and had a couple of kids I had a job for many many years but that all fell apart when I was assaulted by someone I trusted. My entire world was flipped upside down and it had nothing to do with covid. So I have been on a journey of self-awareness facing my incredibly deep pain and sadness. I so desperately want to connect I so desperately want a deep close satisfying relationship.
When people meet me they see accomplished , beautiful in great shape ,together , incredibly well-mannered outgoing interesting person. I created this persona at a very young age probably under the age of five. I had to , to survive my childhood. I had to be perfect I had to be a straight A student I had to be an adult at a very young age I had to take care of my younger siblings. I never could ask for help I never reached out for any emotional support because I knew that I would get in trouble and rejected for doing that. I never felt loved. So essentially the real me has been suppressed and is extremely alone.
I felt defective my entire life, like I didn't fit in anywhere no matter how hard I tried ....I have a ridiculous amount of fear of people.( So do my siblings) .. over the years of my life I have been burned by so many people in so many different ways I just can't trust and I'm trying...... I'm trying so hard .....
I appreciate your responding to my post and I understand the challenges you are facing.
Thx
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
When people meet me, they think I'm someone with a solid "have it all together" type person. But deep down inside I really don't. Guess I put on a good act.
I don't know... I don't understand why I feel the way that I do inside. I feel empty and alone. Alone because of my unfulfilling marriage to my wife. Alone because I was raised in a somewhat dysfunctional family. Alone because I'm self employed and work alone most of the time... 😊
But like I said, I came here to 7 Cups to unload my brain too. Well, I've unloaded it and I'm thinking, "now what?" This site is limited as far as making friends and connecting with others. I've made somewhat of a connection with a few, but it doesn't last long.
So how you doing lately? Hope you're doing well...😊@Spearman60
Hi Spearman, good to see you here.
I had that "Alone" feeling my entire life even though I have, kids, family and ppl and coworkers. I discovered in therapy in the last couple years that I am "Fearful Avoidant Attachment style" in relationships. If you google this it explains the 4 styles of attachment. Because of my horrendous childhood abuse I was the reason I wasn't connecting with ppl and I didn't even realize this until recently. I always thought it was everyone else ..... I keep ppl away. Meeting me I have this front that looks so great and outgoing etc. but I don't connect deeply and the funny thing is I desperately want to connect on a deep soul level with someone. This made me extremely vulnerable and I was further abused by some predatory ppl over the course of my life. Which made me more fearful avoidant.
I have to say that therapy ( I recommend it for anyone struggling with anything) has been an education for me on alot of levels. I didn't learn how to interact in close relationships at a young age when you normally learn this. So I am trying to learn now -tricky stuff- .
My therapist suggests getting involved with something that involves a group of other ppl in order to meet ppl, make friends. I think this platform is great especially for me as it feels so safe . Theres alot of things to get involved with outside of your work. I volunteered at a couple of places too. Animal shelters, reitrement communities. The gym( which I go to) is a fun place I see others and chit chat with. I know theres bowling places, hiking groups, church, theres also support groups at hospitals and other places. Taking a class at a local college is another way to meet ppl. I had an aquaintance that was going to a support group and met her second husband there. I do hear about ppl meeting others on other platforms also, . I guess it is the question of what am I looking for ? Friends, lover, sporting activity ppl, ppl with similiar interests, etc. Theres a coffee shop locally around here that I sit in with my laptop and type on. I am usually journaling or something . If you hang our in these places on a regular basis you meet the regulars that frequent the place. I try to put myself in public and practice dealing with ppl -which is outside of my comfort zone. I usually attract others because I look friendly. I guess I am kind and it shows on my face according to my therapist. My sister who is also fearful avoidant is all alone and she met a gentleman who likes to hike like she does and they just hike together and thats it, that is all she can handle. But its good she has at least one person. We as sibs dont live close to eachother and we have difficulty connecting because we trigger eachother because of our shared past. (I have 2 more sibs besides her. )
These are suggestions my therapist has made for me to get out there. LOL. I am trying and I have alot of love to give and want desperately to connect with friends on a regular basis. Most ppl my age already have long time established friendships. That is a normal secure attachment style behavior.LOL.
Im learning ...
Im confident that you can try some of these too. Just start with one thing and try to make one friend. Ask yourself- What do I like to do, what do I want to try that I always wanted to do? I want to take horseback riding lessons lol. I used to ride as a kid and I loved it.....
I'm am usually around here somewhere and always willing to chat ( I'm a talker for sure ) so feel free to reach out to me and we can share lifes interesting events ....LOL.
Best
ABB💟
@amiableBlackberry92. I really like your list of ways to meet people! I’m thinking about trying your some of these. Thanks for listing them here 😊.
@adventurousBranch3786
your welcome! I'm glad these ideas can help someone else too. I actually have a friend date tomorrow in real life ....This is a sweet person I used to work with and we try to connect and do fun things together. I'm excited ....I promised myself only positive chatting and no trauma talk. LOL
wish me luck
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Thanks for the suggestions. Sorry, but I hadn't been on here for a while. For some reason, I decided to take a break from it. Well, I know the reason really... just didn't feel 7 Cups was that helpful I guess and plus I've been really busy with work, taxes and other things.
I long for friendships and connections myself. My marriage isn't that fulfilling in that respect and I'm often discouraged with it. I honestly thought she was finally, I mean finally after all this time (in years) she's coming around. But after a day or so, that hope was lost as she resorted back to her old self. I long for a soul mate type relationship, and I just can't ever seem to get that from her. I don't know why, but it's bothering me a great deal more in recent years than ever in the past. Maybe it's because I'm older and emotional needs have changed.
I just wished I had someone in "real time." Maybe I should try some of the suggestions you made. I thought about volunteering at a homeless shelter or a rescue mission. But anymore, I just don't reach out to others like I used to. Been dealing with too much anxiety and depression for the past few years. I just don't feel motivated in that way anymore.
Thanks for reaching out to me, I appreciate that. I'm glad you are making improvements and doing better with the things you're doing. Pray things keep getting better for you. You seem like a wonderful person. 😊
@Spearman60
Spearman, I get it -the soulmate connection. I too have looked for that. I am at the point where I leave it in Gods hands, send me one if thats what I can handle. Maybe I'm not ready for a soulmate yet I still have alot of trauma to get through. My therapist says a soulmate can be a best friend or a pet or a spouse/significant other....She always tells me to keep an open mind about it. Wish me luck I have real life friend date tomorrow ....
I still think you can do this -no pressure . My thought is Lifes too short to not give it a try.
Im optimistic at the moment. Not giving up on connection.
Best always, ABB
@Spearman60
Spearman, Just thinking about our conversation, is there someone from your past that you might connect with, like an old schoolmate or neighborhood friend. If your on FB you might be able to find them to reconnect. Sometimes I think about ppl I knew 20-30 years ago. I do have a friend who lived next door to me when I was a kid and her and I connect on occasion. She lives a few states away but comes to my area to see her parents. We chat on the phone too. She is lonely too as she has no siblings and only has one child that moved far. She hasn't worked in decades due to a disability so she doesn't have work connections either. There's so many ppl out there in need of a friendship. I haven't researched it but I'm sure there's platforms that are geared towards meeting ppl for friendship purposes.
I did get together with a former co-worker yesterday and we had alot of laughs and we discussed how difficult it is to connect and make friends at this stage. She is divorced and all their friends are now his ...ouch.
She is still working but we made plans to meet more frequently. We have alot in common and are close in age. I'm feeling "ya I can do this" ......
You seem like a really nice person with an accomplished job and dedication to things your committed to . I know you would be a great friend because you understand the importance of being social and connecting ...
Best ,
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Your replies didn't have the "Reply" icon on them for some reason. So I found a way to respond...😊
I've got a lot of history in my life since I'm considered a "senior" now. But looking back, I've had a few friends, but a couple of them have passed. I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable with to confide in. I wished I could find a friend to confide in and even get together with once in a while. I do work a lot and occupy my time with hobbies that help to keep my mind off of our dysfunctional marriage. So I need to take the time to make room for friends... 😊
Thanks for the compliments. You seem like a good person too. I'm not a difficult person to get along with. In this day and age, it seems no one has any time for others. Seems that way in this area of the country I'm in anyway. I live in a very fast growing and booming area. Everyone here is busy and seldom takes time for others.
Seems like you're making good progress with your life situation. I hope the best for you and that you find that special someone out there. Just take your time at it. 😊
@amiableBlackberry92. I wish you a nice time with your friend. You deserve it!
@amiableBlackberry92
Thank you so much for mentioning me in the Peer Appreciation Program! That was very kind of you! Best thing that has happened to me here on 7 Cups! 😊
Good morning ☀️☀️☀️
Nice to see you in the forums! 💕💕
I definitely agree finding friends can be a challenge. It takes extending yourself to be vulnerable and find a friend. Never under estimate the power of a friendship. Friendships take time to cultivate.
So sorry regarding your past co worker with dementia. 🤗
The best places to find friends are the places you frequent in life be that the gym or other activities in life with whom you have things in common.
What kind of friends do you want to keep?
The answer to that question should fall in line with what you value most — the friends with whom you get along best, those you feel close connections to, those who make you feel that you matter, the people who make you feel understood, those who will be there when you need them, and those you can trust with your most intimate secrets.
As I age my circle of friends are smaller however being involved in my community online like 7cups, gaming platforms and local community groups I have expanded my social circle.
Anytime you would like to chat feel free to reach out …
Cheri 💕💕💕
@amiableBlackberry92
I-if y-you w-wanna b-be f-friends i-i c-can t-try t-to b-be y-your f-friend, i-i h-have r-really b-bad s-social a-anxiety
@amiableBlackberry92
Hello:
I’m very much an introvert. In a fit of anger, my last girlfriend said I would end up a recluse. I’ve been alone for years, so it seems she was right.
@amiableBlackberry92
Same!
I think a lot of people struggle with this - me included. It's difficult to make friends at any age but especially so as we get older and move into work!