Longing For Friendship And Intimacy And Dealing With Depression
I hadn't been on here much in the last few weeks, but I just felt the need to come on here and just "unload my brain" with what's troubling me. I've expressed in other threads a while back how my home life is just not very fulfilling and really just lacking companionship and friendship. My wife and I are nothing more than civil roommates anymore, with very little emotional attachment and intimacy. Nothing has happened in the past 2 years. In fact, due to her work schedule and other issues, we sleep in separate bedrooms.
Often times I want to open up and talk about the "elephant in the room" but I just don't think it will accomplish anything. Our personality types seem to make it a challenge to have that conversation and to have the level of intimacy to where we can truly say we are "soul mates."
I suppose that many other couples who reach the age we are (60+) and married for over 40 years, tend to reach this stage in life where marriage is reduced down to civil roommates. It does put me in a state of depression to where I'm not even wanting to leave the house to go to work. I long for friendships and intimacy, but I just can't seem to find a remedy with her. In years past, we have talked about it, but she's just doesn't have the personality type to be intimate and a soul mate to anyone.
Anyway, just wanted to unload this. Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read this... 😊
@Spearman60
So sorry to hear you are struggling with your marriage. You are not alone. I have lived experience with this issue. For me focusing on the positive was far better than saying all the negative. I am a person who is challenged with dealing with negatively...so instead I just added small moments of positivity...something as simple as making a coffee for your partner, or suggesting something you know they would enjoy.
Marriage goes through many challenges and it can take time to figure out what would work to improve things. I personally find that marriage requires work daily, weekly and seasonally.
My hub and I usually go out for dates it may be something as simple a walk or a drive. My favorite are dinner shows but in my area there aren't many.
It could be a shared interest. My hub and myself play supercell mobile war games daily and it is fun to see who is winning....I love it more when I win occasionally. 😂
We also watch tv series we enjoy. We also enjoy going to do errands because we will include a lunch in our day.
Do you have shared interests? It can be tough with different schedules as well.
I do think relationships do move away from that new relationship energy in dating to newlyweds to raising children etc.
I am retired now and so is my husband and about to be empty nesters. Now we need new goals for our marriage....for me personally I love looking after our home for sure but also have some fun.
Think about trying something new and re adjust as necessary.
One thing.....what made you fall in love with your partner?? Might be a nice idea to go down memory lane and look at past photos and remember your journey together.
Thank you for sharing and again start small and build on friendship and intimacy can be so many things...kiss, hold hands, a hug...they say hugs daily is good for the soul.
Hoping you both find your way to communicate and make a plan to feel reconnected. Connection is the thing that is important that shared smile or comment or laughter....that is golden.
@SunShineAlwaysGrateful
Thanks for taking the time to type all that and sharing. I appreciate it. You have a lot of good advice and suggestions. Wished putting some of it to practice would change things, but I'm afraid it isn't going to be that easy. She's just not very open to a lot of things. She's always been an introvert in so many ways. It's been a one sided marriage for so long... with me being the one to breath life into it all the time. But I'm afraid I'm out of breath now. One sided relationships are never very healthy and strong.
@Spearman60
It comes in waves it seems .... As you know we are living similar lives.
i have been down lately due to the same type thing over and over ..... talks that lead no where him saying that is just how he is. I see no improvement ever.... it is lonely and the lack of intimacy is wearing thin.... i hope venting and sharing helps you ... it does me sometimes other times it just makes everything seem bigger too.
@toughTiger6481
You're right about how it "comes in waves." Things seem pretty civil for a while, but then it starts to get to me again. My depression level fluctuates a lot. I can do just fine for a while, but then I hit a low and I get really down. Today, I started out not even wanting to get out of the house and do anything. But as the day went on, I focused on my work and I was better later on.
At the start in coming to 7 Cups, venting did seem to help, but then after letting out all that "steam," it just got to the point where it just wasn't helping. Like you said, it kinda made things seem bigger and just felt like it wasn't making a difference for me. But... here I am venting again.
I don't know if anything will ever improve with her and I or not. We actually went camping, but it was like two friends, and not two married people. I think she wanted to stay another day, but I didn't feel like it so we came back a day early. The whole trip really didn't do much for me. Nothing changed. Maybe that's why I was so depressed this morning.
I think about how you might be doing now and then. Guess nothing has changed for you either. Hey, if you ever need to vent, I'll listen... 😊
@Spearman60
It seems as if the "good" more like civil times are farther apart ..... the disconnect is always front and center........ had many many Talks but all i get is the bobble head effect lots of nods and fake i hear you and no action behind words of change/ compromise or moving forward.......
There are many out there like us but that is not really comforting as i would not wish this on others
What ive noticed is my husband has been doing this "watch what i say.. but ignore what im doing" when ive tried to bring up the "elephant in room" as you say.. theres been the pretending to listen and respond but not do the action " he wants me to think theres no issues so he can do what he wants with limited give to me .... Ill say tho. Some of this non emotional, physical, also not being able trust if this person would make sure you went to hospital if needed.. the act of concern and comfort to pacify.. freaks me out when im suddenly not breathing and he couldn't hand me inhaler just out of my reach but he sure did complain when one time i was surprising him with get well stuff for home and he said i didn't know him because I got wrong flavor drink and icecream... Throwing it across the room. I went on my own business in other room and when he came to me with some reason why it wasn't what he was upset about. I said "you done yet because i won't stay for this.. im needing to treat myself out" ive not spent 40 years you have with your person. But i was with mine 13 years. Started as friends 22 years ago and im 38. No kids yet. This is one my other biggest desires 💖 hope you find peace and friends and the cravings of intimacy
@Impancake
Thanks for your post. My wife and I have had many a discussion on our issues, but I get little to no action with her to make things better. She's very passive aggressive and doesn't have much empathy for others. With the lack of intimacy and passion in our marriage, I'm just surprised she wants to do very little to make it better. It's as though she's content with the way things are, and really not concerned with what it's doing to me. Seems a situation like mine is turned around the other way instead of the common issue where the husband is passive and the wife wanting all the affection. Weird huh?
@Spearman60
I hear you
I understand you
I recognize you
I am here for you.
SunShine hit it on the head. It's our human nature to concentrate more on negatives than positives. Some do it more than others (I'm guilty as charged). The fact that OP didn't divorce the spouse yet suggests to me there is some value left in the relationship. Whether it's safety, companion, financial, convenience, inertia, i dunno, the OP has to make inventory. If it's all bad, he should cut his loses and leave ASAP. If it's a mixture of positive and negative, maybe there is a room to communicate, compromise, or seek outside the box solutions? Believe me, I went through this myself in the last year or so. There was some compromise and lowering expectations involved. Good luck!
@Spearman60
I remember you, sir....responded a few times in the last post & thread about how lifeless your marriage has become.
I can't think of anything else to say at the moment. While I've never been married (& consider that a good decision, after everything I've seen/heard thus far), I do know what depression is like. Also what having no one to talk to is like, though for different reasons. The isolation feels awfully cold after a while...
Honestly I don't know what advice to give you. I would if I had any. Know that you always have an audience here, maybe?...& that the chat rooms are here, too? That's all I got for ya, man. Sorry I don't have more.
@slowdecline48
Hey, it's okay... I come here mostly to vent, but do appreciate those who respond. Depression hits me now and then, and sometimes it's more than I care to deal with.
I come here now and then, but not as often as I did before. I guess in times past, after a while it seemed it wasn't helping me much other than making me think about it too much. I guess I have to keep dealing with this in hopes the light will come on in her head and she realizes the hurt I'm going through.
Thanks again!
@spearman60 I read your initial post and it could have been the script my significant other of 15 years was reading when he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Would I like more romance and physical intimacy? Sure. But there's something to be said for companionship and caring. And I can't imagine trying to start my life over again and alone.
@ConnectionSeeker
At my age, I can't imagine starting over either. I just wished things could change, but it doesn't seem likely short of a miracle anyway. The temptation of having an affair with someone else plagues me now and then. Depression comes along with it at times. I long for intimacy and companionship. But an affair would really complicate things. So I try to bury myself in work and hobbies. 😊
@Spearman60 I can relate to your situation. Our marriage started out good but lately there is no romance or intimacy. My husband lost his ability to have sex and although I am still romantic to him he spends time with his friends and we are living like roommates. To make things worse, I have been a closeted lesbian all my life and recently decided I want to live a gay life. I am trying to find a girlfriend but it is hard when you are married. I still appreciate the companionship and friendship we have, not sure what will happen in my case. I don't want to give up on the marriage but it is definitely not filling my needs.
@Spearman60 I remember when you previously posted about this problem...tbf, I don't see the point in rehashing my replies from that time even if I could remember exactly what I said, which I cannot.
As I've never been married--though I came close once--I can't advise you from experience. The only thing I can think of is "side piece" but that solution does not appeal to everyone...Also, it might be difficult to find a side piece when you're over 60.
Wish I knew what to tell you, man.
