Toxic Family
Just trying to survive the holidays.. When it comes to life-long trauma from toxic family interactions, it’s always difficult to put into words what I’m feeling or going through. I probably need therapy, but I still can’t afford it. I wish cutting ties is simple.
You’re right, it’s very hard putting how you feel into words especially when traumatic experiences are involved. Well done on posting this! It’s not an easy thing to do. I hope you keep reaching out and connect with some of the great listeners here who are patient and will take time going through those difficult feelings alongside you.
@quietnomore
Thank you posting your message. I am actually going thru a similar situation and you really put the words out that I've been searching for. I am a father of two daughters. I've been married for 15years in January 5th. We have our troubled times but I think for most time, I think we are still growing as a family. My Mother in law is not really considered my mother in law if that makes sense. We married from a culture that to show some respect, we don't use "westernize" type references such as "Mother in law". Therefore, I tend you try and respect her as much as possible that my wife understands. The dilemma I have right now and this year feels like it has tipped over the top but previous has felt just as worst.
My wife and her mother have a constant conversation and consistently are on the phone or chatting in person when she visits. And I understand as a husband that I should step aside and let this continue and just try to connect with mom more. Each time she visits, my relationship with my wife and her mom becomes more and more challenging. It has also been coming between my wife and I where I take it on my wife because of times I cannot connect with my "MIL" mother in law. My wife doesn't seem to see this because in our culture, daughter must have the highest respect to moms because of the difficulties mom goes thru. My wife is committed to her relationship and I see this but her mom has taken me to a level that even in the earlier years of our marriage I was taken to a psych hospital because I couldn't speak up. I tried to open this sometimes to my wife but as our culture and respect, I cannot share of think that moms are the problems. I now have two daughters, my wife have always been opened to each other Just before 2019 right before covid, my wife pulled me aside and explain how I have this two sides "Anger issues" and nice caring for our kids. It has been so difficult for me to open this part to her because I am not confident in my self, I find it partly of me due to trying to build something with her mom. I don't know what else to do. I been searching for help to share and open but everytime I play the words or things I want to explain, I get this gut feeling of the outcome.
I also feel like my wife has this un spoken understand that her mom could be the issue but without me saying specifically she cannot help it either. Another troubling part of me is her mom is a planner and they plan things. I don't want my wife to break from me and I am passionately understanding that my kids needs both their parents.
I want to continue and hope someone out there can share some guidance with me. I 've been pulling my hair and losing constant sleep and weight and depression and stress from work. trying to find better financial to continue our family growth. But I just feel like her mom is always crossing MY boundary. She has always seem to try to understand and I know I have my days when she's not around me but I cannot rack up this courage or strength to break it to my wife.
I've been in 7cups to find a others that could help and I've been reaching out to listeners, everyone advises me to express it to my wife. But HOW? The year is coming renew, we are in a new home building, my daughters are growing rapidly everyday. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a non involved parent but It is so hurtful and frustrating and stressful when she is around BUT she is here to help with things which I completely agree she should be. But her negative words to my kids are pushing me over the edge.
I want to stand up to this but I just don't know if I should or if it is best. I can't seek therapy because we have been on financial burden, my wife and her mom are running a lot of logistics for the home. I feel useless everyday because I have 12 hours work day on the weekends from Friday to Sunday which I miss everyone's activity. Which I have ride as well because my wife and I have spoke it's best I work weekends so we have split duties where I can help with the kids and she will be working. Although my wife is killing herself with work and then I can't handle the kids all the time alone. I am still understanding to be a father. My daughters are the best in the world, I am depressed because her mom has rubbed into my wife character. My wife said it herself to me that I have two sides of anger and kind and she cannot stand the uncontrolling outburst and anger. I think its the build up that I when I am trying to build my relationship with her mom. I broke down this year because we moved 3 times, in July I got hit with covid. My wife doesn't allow my daughters to come close to me all year or since covid. Even though at times it wasn't actually like we are outside in large groups. We are always either working or trying to spend time at home. In july, I said it out loud to my wife that I cannot relationship with both my wife and her mom. I am trying to build more with my wife than her mom and it has come to a tipping point. My wife seemed to caught that but pushed it aside like it was because i didn't take medications. The thing is, I been on this medication because I am controlling my anger and they says I have bipolar. I've been getting treatment and taking meds regularly because of my faith for my wife.
I don't know what to do anymore. the relationship with her mom has such a huge impact in all our lives and it will create a depressing environment for my kids.
I have lost myself because of this. And this year, we moved 3 times since January, we lived in our home for 14 years, since my first born. Both my girls grew there and I felt like over night we dropped it and left. BUT when during covid, my wife and I talk with our daughters of what we want to do in our new home. This year has broken me because I feel like I lost my connection with my wife and daughter to no return. I have shut down for the last 4 or 5 months. My wife all year has chat with me once, and if we do get a chance, we likely are going to argue over something. And in Texts, every other words are that I am being anger and rude to her mom.
This is a lot to empty here but I don't know how else to break this. I have been journaling and walking and understand my wife and trying to connect with her mom but sometimes, I can't take or have any control.
HOLY sh it, did I write this much?!
So that is my situation. The year is going to turn, I don't know what to do. I have been trying to grow myself which I appreciate her mom for playing a huge role in that. but there are times when I can't take it anymore. I have no boundary with her and I am becoming less confident everytime she is here too long. It will carry over my mind of how she impacted me this year.
I know my wife and her mom are trying to be close. They are playing these games with me that I might end in the psych hospital again. I tried to get perspective from different people and often they refers me to explain to my wife.
I have shut myself completely this year and everything around me I am certain will change in my life either way because how I have been impacted.
I want to go on. And to be honest, I hope all this makes sense.
Thank you for taking the time.
@fairmindedTortoise4898
Just wanted to add that in 2019 - my wife said she wanted to break (but she used another word). And we began sleeping in separate rooms. This was a growing experience for me. Wife gets sleep and I get sleep. And once her mom returned to her home over seas, I feel my wife and I would begin to reconnect again. But the huge problem is I have been shutting down/non communicating when I go out in public or non social and I am damaged to where my thoughts are not making any sense. MIL still calls and chat with her mom so our communication is not a HUGE difference when mom is away but it does make a difference for me because I feel that we can reconnect again. But I would then go back to my corner and distant myself again.
I am certain there are changes coming. I'm just looking for guidance on this part of my life. Christmas yesterday. I couldn't get any presents like I usually do every year. We are not "Christians", my cousins are which have partly influences in my early adult life, and The biggest love I have for United states is the multicultural aspect. My parents came from a traumatic experiences as well but they made it here to the US because they hope for their kids to build a better future. My parents split up as well when I was younger. But my wife parents have been longer married.
Anyway, this has been on my mind. Thank you again taking the time
@fairmindedTortoise4898 If your parents split up maybe there's a deep thread of mistrust in YOUR marriage, unconscious, bone deep but messing u up. The mother in law thing is so sadly classic, so hurtfully eternal and eternally hurtful...Not pointing any fingers...but maybe your subconscious arranged a marriage with you and her where the monkey-wrench was preselected, so to speak...that being her own mother. I picture the three of you in a room together carefully and caringly hashing all this out. Its a picture in my head for sure...but I use my imagination to imagine good things for others, and I do believe that loving but frank communication can only help. As long as its not rushed or angry or full of venom...u know?
If u really believe all of you really want more love and trust in your family, its time to get down to the truth, and there's a course called "Nonviolent Communication" you can look up online, where we embed loving phrases and ideas when expressing our needs and where we get more clear about the difference between what we NEED and what we LOVE. I believe all will benefit if at least one of you reads up on that stuff ;=) Best work to you all, rooting for your success!
@peacefulStrawberry9685
Thank you for sharing the NVC - course. I would like to learn more of that. I am still not confident how to make and further steps or take some course of action. I am not a violent person to be honest. I hold my anger yes but I typically go into my corner and stay to myself. My brothers and sisters have always been supportive. But I can't explain to them either. I need to build myself as a father figure but things are so challenging. I don't know how to build my communication, strength, mind, person as a whole.
I don't feel in my gut that us 3 sitting together would be a good step because of my relationship with her mom. I thought many times maybe explaining more with my wife.
Would it be a best to wait till mom returns back or while she is here so my wife can see what's happening?
We are all at a turning point. Right now, since I can only hold the one job I feel I am doing best at, I work in a support environment and everyone there is very supportive of each other because we want to get work done. But I have challenges socializing. My manager seems to understand my work character but my home life has been impacting my work also. And now we have a financial burden where I need another job but I can't find it. So my thoughts of my marriage feels more distant.
Do I try to explain to my manager whats been impacting me personally? I just change my role at work to a lead and I have 4 different managers but primarily 3 who hired me. Since I am working a off hours role. So the manager shift is impacting my work life also.
@fairmindedTortoise4898 Nonviolent communication is very powerful for warding off that stuff too!! Also there's an online support group called "Violence Anonymous" with same idea, you are welcome if impacted by any kind of overt, covert, polite, silent or deceptive/baffling violence. People who think they are rescuing those people or rescuing violators... are also very welcome, and of course people struggling with inner violence or outer violence. All free, thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate. ;=)
@peacefulStrawberry9685
I feel like I want to find ways to explain there should be some kind of boundary for mom and that myself and my kids and wife needs boundaries. But the impact towards mom could be critical damage to my marriage.
And not to mention, her speaking to my daughters has impacted my daughters and my relationship with my daughters as well. So it feels like this will continue to impact my life if I let it continue. My wife gets frustrated and says I should go take care of myself and don't directly speak with her mom. But my wife is starting to rub the words into my kids.
Is this a either deal with it or not type life I have taken for myself? if so, what options do I have or can find to cope with this so I can build confidence and move forward
@fairmindedTortoise4898 I cant say what I would do in your place, but it seems something has wound up into a total impasse. Feel so hard. Yu describe it well though
The kids can maybe write their most honest ideas into a "Good 4 All" box when nobody is looking. The question is "What's good for us all" and invite any kind of answer. Also "What's NO GOOD for us all?"
Are they able to do this? Maybe an older kid can come over and do the writing for the kids so its all still a secret.
So u know as well as I... that traditionally, children never ultimately call the shots. But asking them to talk now might take off some pressure around the "grownup" impasse and make it easier for everyone involved to feel more of of a unified comprehensive goal, as well as complete freedom to say what they want. This place can help you all along too ;=)
@peacefulStrawberry9685
I appreciate the factor of my parents split up. I do feel like I understand their situation better now. They were immigrates who came to US, and it became a breaking point for them because of the struggles with the new culture change when I was 5 years old. So I got to stay with my dad until 12 and then I get some guidance from my elders when I move to my mom. I was more distant from my mom even though I was with her. And my dad, he was constantly working as well same as mom. But living with my dad, I was 90 percent around my aunts and uncles and cousins. And step mom. But step mom doesn't say much either. Except there was a time when I made her angry about a favor I did for my aunt. She asked about it and I didn't want to speak about it because I respect my aunt much as a kid.
@peacefulStrawberry9685
Okay...After google- I see what you mean... : |
I will lean more about NVC and see if I can be an example for my kids and build around NVC.
Thank you so much for sharing
@quietnomore @fairmindedTortoise4898
This time of year can be difficult for a lot of people because of all the family issues that can come up. Thanks for sharing the both of you. @fairmindedTortoise4898 - It sounds like you've been holding a lot in and this is normal since it sounds like you are caught in between a difficult situation. Trust yourself and know that you are trying to do what is best for you and your family. Best of luck resolving your family issues.
@Espejo
I'm just up to a point where it has been such a huge impact and I'm trying to find a path where my kids don't go thru the same as myself, lose confidence, and I continue to burden my wife.
Thank you
@fairmindedTortoise4898
You're very selfless to think of your family first since it is impacting you so much. Hopefully using this site and connecting to community members will help. I know it has helped me in dealing with my own issues so I hope you and your family also benefit :)
@quietnomore Thanks for posting this.
I just wanted to point out, that at 7cups, we have Group Support Rooms.
In those rooms, we have members who support other members.
Some members come looking for support.
Here is the link, if you're interested: 7cups.com/connect/groupChatrooms.php
I hope to see you in the rooms from time to time.
I like your nickname. It's good to start speaking up about things that concern you. I've been keeping my own things bottled up a lot. Even if it's for a group of strangers on the Internet - sometimes it does help relieve some tension.
But *** if I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a grown *** woman (24) still getting abused by my mother's unreal expectations, to the point that she just got used to the thought that everything I do is wrong. In a culture (and this economy) where people are often living in a two-three generation big *** houses, even after marriage and having a family of their own - I see very little opportunities for me to escape my situation right now.
And I know that trying to talk to your family is not always a good thing to do, sometimes they do not want to listen and they won't. They won't either feel any guilt or have any sense of doing you wrong, maybe until you actually manage to cut ties. I don't know, haven't got there myself.
But I for sure know that when I do, there won't be any Christmas celebrations together with this family anymore. In a time when everything is supposed to be about joy and peace, you have to find your own and stick to it.