Toxic Family

You’re right, it’s very hard putting how you feel into words especially when traumatic experiences are involved. Well done on posting this! It’s not an easy thing to do. I hope you keep reaching out and connect with some of the great listeners here who are patient and will take time going through those difficult feelings alongside you.

@quietnomore

Thank you posting your message. I am actually going thru a similar situation and you really put the words out that I've been searching for. I am a father of two daughters. I've been married for 15years in January 5th. We have our troubled times but I think for most time, I think we are still growing as a family. My Mother in law is not really considered my mother in law if that makes sense. We married from a culture that to show some respect, we don't use "westernize" type references such as "Mother in law". Therefore, I tend you try and respect her as much as possible that my wife understands. The dilemma I have right now and this year feels like it has tipped over the top but previous has felt just as worst.

My wife and her mother have a constant conversation and consistently are on the phone or chatting in person when she visits. And I understand as a husband that I should step aside and let this continue and just try to connect with mom more. Each time she visits, my relationship with my wife and her mom becomes more and more challenging. It has also been coming between my wife and I where I take it on my wife because of times I cannot connect with my "MIL" mother in law. My wife doesn't seem to see this because in our culture, daughter must have the highest respect to moms because of the difficulties mom goes thru. My wife is committed to her relationship and I see this but her mom has taken me to a level that even in the earlier years of our marriage I was taken to a psych hospital because I couldn't speak up. I tried to open this sometimes to my wife but as our culture and respect, I cannot share of think that moms are the problems. I now have two daughters, my wife have always been opened to each other Just before 2019 right before covid, my wife pulled me aside and explain how I have this two sides "Anger issues" and nice caring for our kids. It has been so difficult for me to open this part to her because I am not confident in my self, I find it partly of me due to trying to build something with her mom. I don't know what else to do. I been searching for help to share and open but everytime I play the words or things I want to explain, I get this gut feeling of the outcome.

I also feel like my wife has this un spoken understand that her mom could be the issue but without me saying specifically she cannot help it either. Another troubling part of me is her mom is a planner and they plan things. I don't want my wife to break from me and I am passionately understanding that my kids needs both their parents.

I want to continue and hope someone out there can share some guidance with me. I 've been pulling my hair and losing constant sleep and weight and depression and stress from work. trying to find better financial to continue our family growth. But I just feel like her mom is always crossing MY boundary. She has always seem to try to understand and I know I have my days when she's not around me but I cannot rack up this courage or strength to break it to my wife.

I've been in 7cups to find a others that could help and I've been reaching out to listeners, everyone advises me to express it to my wife. But HOW? The year is coming renew, we are in a new home building, my daughters are growing rapidly everyday. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a non involved parent but It is so hurtful and frustrating and stressful when she is around BUT she is here to help with things which I completely agree she should be. But her negative words to my kids are pushing me over the edge.

I want to stand up to this but I just don't know if I should or if it is best. I can't seek therapy because we have been on financial burden, my wife and her mom are running a lot of logistics for the home. I feel useless everyday because I have 12 hours work day on the weekends from Friday to Sunday which I miss everyone's activity. Which I have ride as well because my wife and I have spoke it's best I work weekends so we have split duties where I can help with the kids and she will be working. Although my wife is killing herself with work and then I can't handle the kids all the time alone. I am still understanding to be a father. My daughters are the best in the world, I am depressed because her mom has rubbed into my wife character. My wife said it herself to me that I have two sides of anger and kind and she cannot stand the uncontrolling outburst and anger. I think its the build up that I when I am trying to build my relationship with her mom. I broke down this year because we moved 3 times, in July I got hit with covid. My wife doesn't allow my daughters to come close to me all year or since covid. Even though at times it wasn't actually like we are outside in large groups. We are always either working or trying to spend time at home. In july, I said it out loud to my wife that I cannot relationship with both my wife and her mom. I am trying to build more with my wife than her mom and it has come to a tipping point. My wife seemed to caught that but pushed it aside like it was because i didn't take medications. The thing is, I been on this medication because I am controlling my anger and they says I have bipolar. I've been getting treatment and taking meds regularly because of my faith for my wife.

I don't know what to do anymore. the relationship with her mom has such a huge impact in all our lives and it will create a depressing environment for my kids.

I have lost myself because of this. And this year, we moved 3 times since January, we lived in our home for 14 years, since my first born. Both my girls grew there and I felt like over night we dropped it and left. BUT when during covid, my wife and I talk with our daughters of what we want to do in our new home. This year has broken me because I feel like I lost my connection with my wife and daughter to no return. I have shut down for the last 4 or 5 months. My wife all year has chat with me once, and if we do get a chance, we likely are going to argue over something. And in Texts, every other words are that I am being anger and rude to her mom.

This is a lot to empty here but I don't know how else to break this. I have been journaling and walking and understand my wife and trying to connect with her mom but sometimes, I can't take or have any control.

HOLY sh it, did I write this much?!

So that is my situation. The year is going to turn, I don't know what to do. I have been trying to grow myself which I appreciate her mom for playing a huge role in that. but there are times when I can't take it anymore. I have no boundary with her and I am becoming less confident everytime she is here too long. It will carry over my mind of how she impacted me this year.

I know my wife and her mom are trying to be close. They are playing these games with me that I might end in the psych hospital again. I tried to get perspective from different people and often they refers me to explain to my wife.

I have shut myself completely this year and everything around me I am certain will change in my life either way because how I have been impacted.

I want to go on. And to be honest, I hope all this makes sense.

Thank you for taking the time.

@quietnomore @fairmindedTortoise4898

This time of year can be difficult for a lot of people because of all the family issues that can come up. Thanks for sharing the both of you. @fairmindedTortoise4898 - It sounds like you've been holding a lot in and this is normal since it sounds like you are caught in between a difficult situation. Trust yourself and know that you are trying to do what is best for you and your family. Best of luck resolving your family issues.

@quietnomore Thanks for posting this.

I just wanted to point out, that at 7cups, we have Group Support Rooms.

In those rooms, we have members who support other members.

Some members come looking for support.

Here is the link, if you're interested: 7cups.com/connect/groupChatrooms.php

I hope to see you in the rooms from time to time.

I like your nickname. It's good to start speaking up about things that concern you. I've been keeping my own things bottled up a lot. Even if it's for a group of strangers on the Internet - sometimes it does help relieve some tension.

But *** if I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a grown *** woman (24) still getting abused by my mother's unreal expectations, to the point that she just got used to the thought that everything I do is wrong. In a culture (and this economy) where people are often living in a two-three generation big *** houses, even after marriage and having a family of their own - I see very little opportunities for me to escape my situation right now.

And I know that trying to talk to your family is not always a good thing to do, sometimes they do not want to listen and they won't. They won't either feel any guilt or have any sense of doing you wrong, maybe until you actually manage to cut ties. I don't know, haven't got there myself.

But I for sure know that when I do, there won't be any Christmas celebrations together with this family anymore. In a time when everything is supposed to be about joy and peace, you have to find your own and stick to it.